The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by cuffy

These were actually sold in the shops before someone noticed the label and recalled the products

called back because they've spelt his name wrong right?

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the
> > Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is the glorious winner:
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
> > victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber
> > James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
> > the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
> >
> >
> >
> > And now, the honourable mentions:
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
> > meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a
> > claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent
> > out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and
> > he also lost a finger.
> > The chef's claim was approved.
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
> > car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> > woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
> > driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
> > transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
> > his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
> > everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
> > the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
> > excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
> > The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
> > serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
> > received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
> > see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
> > counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
> > the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
> > the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
> > fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
> > got from the drawer . . .
> > $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
> > crime committed?)
> >
> >
> >
> > 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
> > decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
> > window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
> > heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and
> > hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor
> > store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
> > videotape.
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
> > man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
> > woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
> > Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
> > car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
> > and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
> > officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
> >
> >
> >
> > 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
> > into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun,
> > and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
> > open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
> > rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
> > frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
> >
> >
> >
> > 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
> > parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
> > Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
> > motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
> > admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
> > the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
> > declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
> > had.

Feeling Old???????

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t he old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Subject: UK v USA v OZ Police

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?



Answer:

Pose the following question:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?'



UK Police Officer's Answer:

1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

2) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

3)Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

4)Could we run away?

5)Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

6)What does the law say about this situation?

7)Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

9)Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

12) Should I call 9-9-9?

13) Why is this street so deserted?

14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?

15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Australian Officer's Answer:





1)BANG!





----------------------------------------------------------------------



American Officer's Answer:



1)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!



Click....(sounds of reloading)



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!



Click.



Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

[yorkie_chris]

Originally Posted by cuffy

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

Lmao!

[Stingo]

Christmas cake recipe.

Ingredients: 1 cup water; 1 tsp baking soda; 1 cup sugar; 1 tsp salt; 1 cup brown sugar; lemon juice; 4 large eggs; nuts; 1 bottle vodka; 2 cups of dried fruit.

1. Sample vodka to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl.
3. Check the vodka again to be sure it’s the highest quality; pour 1 level cup and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat it again. At this point it’s besht to make sure the vodka is shtill ok.
7. Try another cup just in case.
8. Turn off the mixerer.
9. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
10. Pick fruit off the floor.
11. Mix on the turner.
12. If the fried druit get stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
13. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
14. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who givshz a sh*t anyway?
15. Check the vodka.
16. Now shift the luicey jemon and strain your nuts.
17. Add one table.
18. Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find.
19. Greash the oven and pi$$ in the fridge.
20. Turn the cake tin 360° and try not to fall over.
21. Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer.
22. Finally, throw the bool throught the wondow.
23. Finish the vodka and kick the cat.
24. Fall into bed, if you get that far!

The 2007 Darwin Awards (the real ones, not the fake ones posted yesterday)

Announcing the new, the beloved, the 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS!

" Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution,
the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool
by accidentally removing themselves from it. "

This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE
independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports
from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof.
In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named
supports. Duh! This year brought us 16 jaw-droppping nominees,
not counting new nominees for previous years and Near Misses
(AKA Honorable Mentions) which I will cover in the next ish.

Enjoy the stories of the winners... and be glad you're not one!

~ Wendy

THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS WERE SELECTED FROM 17 NOMINEES:
========================================
What Goes Up Must Come Down (8976 votes) 80%
The Enema Within (4252 votes) 80%
Support Group (3728 votes) 78%
Weight Lift (2191 votes) 78%
Stop. Look. Listen. (1763 votes) 77%
Beer for Bears (2225 votes) 76%
Mole Hunt (5366 votes) 75%
A Prop-er Job (4431 votes) 74%
Oil Tank Trampoline (5737 votes) 74%
Cow-ard (38 votes) 72%
Barn Demolition (3336 votes) 71%
Superior Momentum (2112 votes) 71%
Elephants Press Back (1249 votes) 71%
Electronic Fireworks (3620 votes) 70%
Fatal a-Traction (52 votes) 68%
The Laptop Still Works! (1172 votes) 57%
Fatal Foaming Action (1443 votes) 49%
========================================
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2007.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,"
remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old
computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California
while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and
was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer
still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-12.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by
playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail
the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of
midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named
Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on,
as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # THREE:

BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle
a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of
bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped
through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full
barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between
the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun
and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull
of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a
consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at
demolishing the barn.

(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have
come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html

Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from
beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases,
the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to
eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the
mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to
a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man
stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the
Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before
venturing onto the property.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old
deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise.
Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of
clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators
eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building:
two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new
meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped
metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the
roof," Sgt. McCants said.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...

THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often
used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces,
right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed
out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be
absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove
himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication
of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be
described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said
they were surprised to learn of the incident.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html

Originally Posted by wyrdness

A very unusual way to crash a bike:
http://www.break.com/index/driver-lo...n-highway.html

If I'm not mistaken, it was the driver of the car that was shooting that video. There did not seem to be anyone else in the car. WFT was HE doing

[tigersaw]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property , and you are not coming
over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said,

'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. we settle
small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first,

I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old
fart. now it's my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the
duck.'

[yorkie_chris]

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of
Afghans,Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans,
Albanians,Bosnians,Turks and Scousers were asked if they thought Britain
should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.