The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

it might be, two Marias you see

[yorkie_chris]

Originally Posted by missyorkie_chris

it might be, two Marias you see

Two of you, you say?

Originally Posted by yorkie_chris

Two of you, you say?

No hun, you wouldn't want two of me I think one is bad enough

An England rugby training session was stopped earlier today after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the training field.

Head coach Brian Ashton immediately suspended practice and called in the police to investigate.

Forensic experts determined the white trail unknown to the players was indeed the try line.

In the Inverness job centre a man see's a vacancy for a gynaecologists assistant, he asks for the details and is thrilled to learn that his duties are to prepare the ladies as follows.
1) Remove patients underwear.
2) Wash and shave the ladies nether regions if required.
3) Massage oil onto shaved area.
Salary £55k per annum. Company car, 25 days holiday a year.

He applies and the clerk in the job centre told him to go to Plymouth.

"Is this where the vacancy is based?" asks the bloke.

No came the reply, "thats where the f*****g queue ends"

David Blaine was gutted yesterday on hearing his record for doing sod all in a box for 44 days was smashed by Newcastles Michael Owen.

[_Stretchie_]

Ahhh, the Cuffy ones are the best ones..

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.


Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.


'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.


The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'


'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'


So the driver went off to the nearby farm.


A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.


'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.


'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'


'Just what the hell did you say to them?'


'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking
around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It
had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner
replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.' The tourist gave
the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of
blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing
and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the Bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah,
you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a poof, a Chelsea supporter and anything French!'

due to their poor perfomance in this yrs 6 nations the english team have to find a new sponser

unfortunatley their favorite choice had to pull out

the company chair sir Rchard Branson said :-

" you can't have VIRGIN across your shirt when you go out and get ****ed every weekend"