The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Originally Posted by gettin2dizzy

They're spicy buggers. I'd go as far to call them flaming wings!

That's because they've been laden with chilli

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing cold, could you nip up the stairs and get me
slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs, where Paddy's two stunning
19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off yer a liar!'.
'I'll prove it, so I will' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

Breaking news
After years of investigation on the cause of 911 its been found that it wasnt the muslims it was the irish !!.

Apparently Paddy and Mick were fitting doors on the 44th floor, and Paddy said to Mick that the doors were too big,

so Mick told him to go and get a plane and take the top off !

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk of the car if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with a drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk lid, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.” The man replies, “And I'll bet that lying Son of a Bitch told you I was speeding, too!”

^ Oldie but a goodie.

Fiver to the first person to try this and film it.

[Bluepete]

Two snowmen in a field, one said to the other

"Can you smell carrotts?"

http://www.jibjab.com/view/51755

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying

'Hello.'

I politely said,

'This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

'Get the right f***ing number!'

and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,

I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

'You're an *******!'

and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,

and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,

when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,

'You're an *******!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my theraputic '*******'

calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,

'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?'

He yelled

'NO!'

and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,

'That's because you're an *******!'

and hung up.

One day I was at the store,

getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW

cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,

but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,

so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,

right after calling the first *******

(I had his number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said,

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,

'Yes, it is.'

I ! asked,

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,

'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.

It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,

'What's your name?'

He said,

'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,

'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,

'Yes?'

I said,

'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up,

and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,

I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ******* #1.

He said,

'Hello.'

I said,

'You're an *******!'

(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,

'Are you still there?'

I said,

'Yeah!'

He screamed,

'Stop calling me,'

I said,

'Make me,'

He asked,

'Who are you?'

I said,

'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,

'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,

a yellow ranch,

I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,

'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'

and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,

'Hello?'

I said,

'Hello, *******,'

He yelled,

'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,

'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,

'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,

'Well, *******, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News

about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two *******s

beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter

and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.!

[Viney]

Originally Posted by BluePete

Two snowmen in a field, one said to the other

"Can you smell carrotts?"

2 Cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny?"

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you
what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so
at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you
have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management."