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19-11-08, 02:26 PM | #1611 |
Noisy Git
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
F##k off, no truth in that, they don't even know me. Leave me alone.
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19-11-08, 02:35 PM | #1612 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
WOW, it's just SOOOOO true
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19-11-08, 02:42 PM | #1613 |
DaffyGingerBint
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
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19-11-08, 04:17 PM | #1614 |
Trinity
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
I've never had any time for astrology
Until now! That's stunningly perceptive Don't forget people, my birthday's coming up soon |
19-11-08, 10:28 PM | #1615 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
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20-11-08, 08:25 AM | #1616 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
A wealthy but rapidly aging lady had tried every kind of plastic surgery technique to remain as young looking as possible but latelty things weren't having the disired effect any more.
She went to see a specialist in London who advised her that standard procedures would have little effect due to her already extensive surgery but there was one 'new' procedure she hadn't yet tried. "The Screw" was a crued but effective way of maintaining that "youthfull look", a small knob (that's not the joke) was to be fixed to the top of her head hidden under a hair-piece. Once a month, or whenever she felt the need to "tighten up" she was to give the knob a quarter turn and the skin would be stretched slightly. The lady had the "Screw" fitted right away and left the specialist with a skip and a smile.. "Don't overdo it" the specialist warned. It was only 3 months later that the lady returned to the specialist with some problems... "I did what you said, I gave the screw a turn every time I felt a little loose, it's just that recently things haven't been going so well and I just can't get rid of these bags under my eyes!!" The specialist took a quick glance and said "They're not bags, they're your tits!!!" "I'll not bother asking about the goatee then!!!" replied the woman. |
20-11-08, 01:02 PM | #1617 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?" "No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
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20-11-08, 02:41 PM | #1618 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
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21-11-08, 04:24 PM | #1619 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint. . . when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude..... How much water did you drink?!! |
25-11-08, 12:26 PM | #1620 |
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Re: The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Cheltenham races….
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their w***ies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15; but please carry on' |
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