The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Stephen Hawking went out on a date last week I hear. She stormed off after 15 minutes. She didnt like his tone.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The Monks reply, "We can' t tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:

By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......










But, I can't tell you, because you're not a monk

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Stingo]

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside .......... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two ar$eh0les'.

christ stingo! that was an elaborate set up!!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Stingo]

Originally Posted by Jdubya

very funny joke...

I'm in tears - help!!!:s mt043

The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry. Just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!”