The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

a woman decides to have a revolutionary new form of face lift, call the Screw, fitted to the side of her head. Every time she wants to iron out her wrinkles she turns the screw and it lifts her skin. the results are fantastic and is a success for years.

however after a few years she goes to the doctor

"doc, the screw is excellent. but lately i've had bags appear under my eyes and they wont go"

"madam" the doc replies "they aren't bags, you've turned the screw too many times. They are your breasts!"

"oh dear" she says "no point asking about the goatee then is there....."

Classic Viz Letters

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll
be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the
good work.
Charles Turner


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.

T Potter


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts



Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'
who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds
up.
Christina Martin



Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley



AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just
wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one's ****:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website
www.heathermillsmccartney .com, or perhaps when she sold her life story
to the News of the World in 1993.
Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live
her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging
in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they
are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It
wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in
car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where
credit is due.

T Harpic, London



THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how **** must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray


THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. ********!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.

Martin Mannion



Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill


Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds


My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel


My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham



When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

nice one beenz........

This man goes to the same bar every week and orders 3 pints at the same time and then drinks them. Finally the bartender says, why don't you just order them one at a time so they don't get warm before you drink them? The man replies that he and his 2 buddies have a tradition that when any one of them goes out without the others, that they buy 3 pints as if they were all there. The next week, this man goes back to this bar, but only orders 2 pints and drinks them. The bartender says, Oh, I'm very sorry. Did one of your friends pass away? No replied the man, I just gave up drinking.

Originally Posted by Beenz

This man goes to the same bar every week and orders 3 pints at the same time and then drinks them. Finally the bartender says, why don't you just order them one at a time so they don't get warm before you drink them? The man replies that he and his 2 buddies have a tradition that when any one of them goes out without the others, that they buy 3 pints as if they were all there. The next week, this man goes back to this bar, but only orders 2 pints and drinks them. The bartender says, Oh, I'm very sorry. Did one of your friends pass away? No replied the man, I just gave up drinking.

Zimmer frame please...

sorry it gets worse

....this noble gentleman from the upper class of Britain meeting a cockney from London's Eas End, - in the WWI trenches:

The gentleman: 'I came here to die..'

The cockney: 'Oh, I came here yesterday...!'

*runs*

Originally Posted by Beenz

sorry it gets worse

....this noble gentleman from the upper class of Britain meeting a cockney from London's Eas End, - in the WWI trenches:

The gentleman: 'I came here to die..'

The cockney: 'Oh, I came here yesterday...!'

*runs*

Originally Posted by Beenz

*runs*

faster faster...

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you £50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette £50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again

Made me giggle...

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit
A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.