The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Made me giggle...

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit
A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.

- especially the one about Slinkys!

There were two statues in a park: one of a nude man and one
of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brought the two to life.The angel told them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you are being given life for thirty minutes to do what you wish to do the most'. They each looked at each other, and both smiled. Then they went running behind the shrubbery. The angel waited patiently as the bushes rustled and giggling ensued. After fifteen minutes, the two returned, out of breath and laughing. The angel told them, "You have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"
The male asked the female: "Shall we?"She eagerly replied, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head".

[Stingo]

Shamelessly stolen from an email....


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it develops:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:


----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my cheque book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

P.S I just remembered.

I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[Scoobs]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!

At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged
me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquired his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle
platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

"'And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump
five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my
dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E took out a stick and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp,
I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"





A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

[Skip]

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whoo.ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor
started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was
able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said
the doctor. "I really am I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a
doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again Now what seems to
be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...

>Subject: FW: a whale of a tale
>
>
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>
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>A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
>when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
>same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
>
>
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>He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
>out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
>turn over and sink."
>
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>They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
>
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>Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
>were swimming to the safety of shore.
>
>
>The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away, so told
>the female whale, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they

>reach the shore."
>
>
>At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him.
>
>
>
>"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
>refuse to swallow the seamen.

Tony Blair was visiting a school and was asked by a teacher if he would like to lead the discussion on what constituted a "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the P.M. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the little boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."