A knack to starting it?

Its a charger/maintainence unit.
It will chechk the state of the battery and tell you if its ok or knackerd.
Also when the bike is not used for weeks it will maintain the battery so it's always tip top.

Needs a power point but you can get extension leads to add on to extend the range from the charger to the bike and comes with permanent on bike weather proof connectors.
There are various makes from about £28 upwards.

http://www.optimate-chargers.co.uk/?...FYIA4wodBhXoHg

above as an example, but I think it's a bit expensive on that site.

So next question, how on earth does one get to / molly coddle the battery?

Just leave the optimate on when not in use for more than two weeks, if it tells you the battery is OS when you fisrt set it up then you need a new battery and go from there.

You're not trying to start it with the lights on are you?

cant turn the lights off on a pointy dude......as already said chances are the batt is either duff or just short on charge due to been sat in a dealers....ride the thing and it should be fine, of course an optimate works wonders too