The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[tinpants]

Originally Posted by Jdubya

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

I haven't laughed so much in ages.

Class. Utter class.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the m an turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."

Originally Posted by hovi5

For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!

Originally Posted by wyrdness

Excellent funny and original.

Originally Posted by Stu

Not if you'd already read it on LB

Originally Posted by Viper

LB ???????????

Originally Posted by hovi5

LB ???????????

I'm guessing it means London Bikers forum

Here is my stolen joke:

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider.He takes it out
for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing
an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"The young man replies, "A 2001
Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on
earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes
by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old
man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun
a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear
end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,
"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"The old man looks up and replies,
"OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"




There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you gotit.Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Still laughing at the last one, brilliant!

WordPerfect... how old is that!

Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"




AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

What's pink & fluffy?

Pink fluff

What's blue & fluffy?

Cold pink fluff

Do I win the prize for worst joke?