The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Paul the 6th]

My girlfriend is 7 and windows was my idea...

I was at a party when a blind drunk munter rubbed herself up against me, looked me deep in the eyes and said, "You're gorgeous and guess what? I really wanna be well and truely f****d later."

So I nicked her car.

[punyXpress]

Originally Posted by squirrel_hunter

And on that theme...

Or, as Errol Flynn so delicately put it:
"Errol Flynn wrote about ducks on a string? It has to do with tying a piece of fat onto a string, then feeding it to a duck. And after passing the next duck would eat the piece which was tied to the same string. And so on..."
The World's first living necklace!
Didn't know it worked with pumpkins though.

Human centipede

[punyXpress]

. . . as long as you're behind me in the chain.

[gruntygiggles]

Originally Posted by Reeder

Human centipede

The second one is out as well soon isn't it? Wonder if it will be as tame as the first or if they will really show the nasty stuff this time.

TBH, I built the first one up as being so bad in my head...watching it was nowhere near as bad as I expected, but I have heard the same can't be said for the sequel.

[Jayneflakes]

Originally Posted by gruntygiggles

The second one is out as well soon isn't it? Wonder if it will be as tame as the first or if they will really show the nasty stuff this time.

TBH, I built the first one up as being so bad in my head...watching it was nowhere near as bad as I expected, but I have heard the same can't be said for the sequel.

I have heard that the censor has pretty much butchered the second one for this country, I am sorry to say.

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by Jayneflakes

I have heard that the censor has pretty much butchered the second one for this country, I am sorry to say.

Banned Jayne

BBFC wouldn't rate it
The first one made my toes curl in a teaser.

Yes I hate horrors and couldn't be paid to watch one

Ridiculous. Surely 18 should mean anything goes? Afterall it's someone's CHOICE to watch it.

[L3nny]

The uncut film was refused a certificate from the BBFC so they trimmed a couple of minutes and the 18 certificate was given.

I think the BBFC realised all they would be doing is encouraging piracy.

[Essex of Essex]

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest; of snakebite without trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping, and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about.

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

But you're probably still wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!