The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

Heard about the two homosexual ghosts? They kept putting the willys up each other.


*sorry*

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking .....and then I saw her face.

[BanannaMan]

I took my mother-in-law, my wife and my daughter Christmas shopping.
We passed by a Santa in a shoppe he saw us, waved and exclaimed Ho Ho Ho!
I thought wow, even the department store Santas have access to the naughty and nice list!

[punyXpress]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English , nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.

[Paul the 6th]

A good few years ago, my dad refused to lend me some money to build a mini playground in my garden.

Fortunately, the tight bastad died last month, so I had one built with my inheritance.

Swings and roundabouts...

Brilliant.

[Paul the 6th]

Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is a spastic.

Every time you sharpen it, it changes to "Cool to Do Drugs", then "Do Drugs" and eventually "Drugs".

Depends which way you write it on there.

My pencil says "Too cool"

[Paul the 6th]

Great story.

I lie too, it actually says HB