The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Stingo]

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"


"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top 'O the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the
war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness,
and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners..."

[mattSV]

RC car delivers justice

This made me chuckle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smJl5qwaso

Dunno why this was banned.

Originally Posted by Razor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smJl5qwaso

Dunno why this was banned.

cos its crap?

[Stu]

Yes it would be crap if you didn't get it

[fizzwheel]

Originally Posted by jim@55

The SAS, The Paras and The Police


The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the [wee]!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f#ckin' rabbit!"

[SoulKiss]

Originally Posted by Stingo

pass me another ribcage - this one's split!!

Shouldn't there be an "Elf" and a "Sergent" in there Stingy ???

Originally Posted by keithd

Don't mess with Putin

was kinda hoping that may have been a kick start to a thread about the recent "poisoning double agent" shinanegans.....

but i bow to your modding

http://jimbuie.blogs.com/journal/fil...ingMachine.mp3