A response from London

Attention "El Boccadillo"

It has come to my notice that you seem to be behind an uprising of those in the North. While our recent partnership in organising a get together in the summer (that week you have with only 5 days of rain) I do feel that you are taking advantage of the situation.

Given that “SELKent� actually stands for “South East London & Kent� I would have thought that you would have least contacted the Soho Massive and asked them if they had similar intentions.

I’m not to sure how you would support a “South Eastern Branch� from Op Norf anyway, as you would have to come in via either Middlesex (The Middlesex Massive is a sub unit of the Soho Massive, which includes myself among others) or via the QE2 Bridge, which is operated by the Essex group, and they would certainly impose some sort of tax on you (Essex boys, rob their mothers they would).

Seeing that you have made an initial offer (which for an area that includes the original “Chav� town of Chatham) I think is far too excessive I am willing to let this action continue, and grant you safe passage through the M25 as long as the Soho Massive are entitled to a 33% share of any profits made, should you decide to sell on.

I’m sure that you would see this request as reasonable, given the proximity of SELKent to Soho, and the fact that some of the members often frequent both meets, any effect you may have could well “rub off� on them, and have a detrimental effect to true London folk. We do not want warm dark beer, flat caps, sheep or ferrets in Central London.

I await your response:

.

Nice one Steve! Mind you any price seems high for that "Bermuda Triangle" otherwise known as Selkent!

Without Prejudice

Dear Mr Jelster,

I am responding to your post of the 6th inst, on behalf of the Pennine Massive Consortium (Strategic Acquisitions Group).

We had carefully considered the position of the Soho Massive vis-a-vis SELKENT, and believe that any proposed acquisition by that party would contravene EC Competition Law (misuse of a dominant trading position) and would be unlikely to be sanctioned by the Monopolies and Mergers Commission (cases ASDA and Safeway, Morrison's and Safeway refer).

Notwithstanding the overwhelming and anti-competitive preponderance of Southerners in quasi-legal Moderator posts, our offer for SELKENT was made in good faith and in due recognition of certain territorial rights and hegemonies, not least that Soho is more or less in Essex, its inhabitants talk Essex, and was probably colonised by Essex persons in the late 17th century. It cannot be said that it has any sustainable rights over Middlesex who are a different breed altogether (and relatively civilised).

However, given the sensitive nature of access, we are prepared to consider that a joint not-for-profit company controlling Middlesex may be appropriate, to be called So-Pennine-Ho Thruway (East Bucks). This will allow freer transit of your members to South Wales (though why anyone should want to go there is beyond me).

We advise you that we have considered annexing MIGTS as a deserted property, all activity having ceased on 24 December. We presume that you have similarly considered Guildford Massive (sic) - our understanding of this area is that it is popluated solely by horses, golf buggies and 4X4s. As these rationalisations take effect, we would consider offers for Catford, Lewisham, Bromley and Dulwich, none of which places are core to us....or perhaps anyone, frankly.

Perhaps a Summit meeting is called for and I will suggest a suitable location. Please note that we Northerners often settle disputes of this nature with a free-style b0ll0ck-kicking contest, and you should come prepared for this with a nominated champion. For your information, ours will be Ming the Merciless who, despite having a substantial target area, is not a man to be taken lightly, as his recent skirmishes over a bike called Katey will demonstrate.

Sincerely yours etc etc

Oi ! I asked you to stop


your not doing my health any good (note go see doctor about the severe pain in the ribcage)

Well tickle my t+ts till xmas! Boc you are surpassing even your own previous Tolstoyesque brilliance here!

I can see that this may end up being a long drawn out affair. I think that if you investigate further, the MMC do not have the final say, it's the Office of Fair Trading, who I have already consukted. Their reaction was one of utter disbelief. Comments such as "The stupin Norther monkies want what?" and "Who want's Dartford, Bexleyheath and Gravesend anyway ?".

So the OFT have informed me that you will have to make a "substantial case" before any deal could be considered, and there is also the subject of the TFLT or "Transport for London Tax", which decrees that anybody who is not resident in London or an ajoining shire will be subject to a tax, equivelent to that of the Congestion Charge x 4 (£32.00) for every time your vehicle is actually caught on CCTV in the area.

You will also have to consider the MTVPCF tax (Metropolitan & Thames Valley Police Christmas Fund). Again, this is chargeable to anyone (unless you know the handshake) whenever either of the 2 constabularies feel the need to add funds for the Christmas party. Generally this charged at £60 per time, and known as a "fixed penalty". There have been occasions when people with very broad Northern accents have actually been charged with multiple "fixed penalties", not because they did anything wrong, but the coppers from Slough couldn't understand what what was being said.

So, if you were to reconsider our offer, I would then invite both Chief Constables and Mr Livingstone to the manor for dinner one evening, provide them with suitable entertainment, which would probably result in both these taxes being waived.

On the otherhand, I could always tell them when to expect you

It's good to hear from you old boy,

.

Oh mate!! You win on this!

It's so d@mn good to return to a good sharp sense of humour - there's not quiiiiite so much on a certain other site!!!

Welcome home everyone

how boc hasnt ended upin politics is beyond me

he's taliking utter sh*te just like politicians except its entertaining sh*te.

looking at him youd never figure he was so sharp witted............

Steve I can see no reason why anyone would object to donating to the policeman's ball fund. After all I think we have all met a Policeman in our time that needed his b*lls supportiing!