Dealing with death and funerals

A story of contrasts.

My father died in 1987. We weren't close and whilst I was upset at the time it didn't last long. I went back to work after a few days, the family was furious but I felt it was hypocritical to grieve someone I didn't love. The scars were simply too deep. It hits me every now and then but it's bitterness about the lost opportunities, a wasted life - not sadness that he is dead.

FIL died in 2001. Now he and I were very close, he was a lovely bloke. He died from complications of stomach cancer, and we watched him grow weaker and weaker until we watched him die in Treliske Hospital, Truro. I vividly remember the call to get to the hospital as quickly as possible, not easy as it's a 6 hour drive. But I am so thankful that we got there in time. I was very very upset because I loved him so much, probably because I hadn't loved my own dad. I think of him nearly every day, and we visit his grave often. I wish he was still here, a man of such love and wisdom, I miss him greatly.

But I have such happy memories that I can remember him with great fondness, and I think of the lovely times we used to walk along the seafront at Falmouth where he lived and just enjoy each other's company, or when we'd look in a toolshop together, or go and watch the cricket. I sometimes ask out loud, 'John, what would you do?' and I think of how he would always stay calm and never lose his temper - unlike me.

Maria, I'm so sorry that you have to endure all this pain. But the pain will fade and you will remember with happiness. Don't try to bottle it all up, you must let it out. Don't be embarrassed to cry, it's a perfectly natural and cathartic human reaction. Even in public. And talk about how you feel, don't hide it.

I've been through the same thing twice this year, one my grandad died and second my best friend since birth was killed in a car accident. But stangley enough I reacted differently each time.
For my grandad, I didn't cry or break down in anyway for about a week, I just got on with my day and did my thing, but I did feel a bit off-it and run down. My only breakdown came at the funeral, when just after the service, I went and sat in the car and just cried and cried, and sweared and cursed, and hated the fact I hadn't seen him much in the past year. Yet after that I was fine, felt better, and was generally happy again, I do still get sad when I sit and think deeply, but it's more a missing him kinda sad than "grieving". I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt. And for me at the time it worked.
But when my best friend died, I was a wreck for a week or so, I couldn't even leave my room. I got worse by the day, until a friend, dragged me up, gave me a very hard slap, and told me to talk, it was hard at first, but gradually came, after an hour or so, I was just pouring it out.

Hmm, so yeah, for me talking helped massively in one instance, but not in the other. So...after a rather long post, I don't acctually have any advice, all I can say is do what makes you feel better, there's nothing wrong with anything you feel, if you feel better then that's all that counts.

OK I'll stop boring you now. HTH and I hope you soon feel better, sorry to hear of your loss

[BoltonSte]

Oh FFS!

I'd just spent ages typing a very poingent (however the hell you spell that word) reply with a smattering of humour and it's gone tits up.

Anyway maria, the Gist:

I was the same with my Grandad (but I'm a bit emotionally retarded or maladjusted) I haven't really grieved in the last 2 years...

There was a load of detail then and a bit of sobbing...

Through the reply I figured that in my case it's because I still talk about him in the present or near present therefore it's a case of the proverbial he's not really gone so in that case it's logical that I don't grieve...

There was then some more emotional bllx and me apologising for turning the post onto me a bit, how it's helped and now appreciating why folk post personal stuff on the web when I thought they were freaks beforehand...

Then me saying that it'll probably creep up on you when you least expect it, when you're tired or emotional and not to over analyse...

I think I finished with deciding I'd wussed myself up enough I should go get a Baileys or even a Babysham. I think it' Dave and the Woo Woo's that have damaged me (I've now discovered we have a reflex in town)

Ste

Wow this is really helping, more than I thought it would. I'm really touched you guys are taking the time to post these words, thankyou so much.

I forgot to mention we lost Billy the labrador in August too, first experience of a close pet dying, I probably took that worse than the lot. Gah, don't think it ever gets easier...

Sorrry nothing to add, but don't worry about it, it happens to us all in the end, if they passed befor there time be glad for the good times, and think fondly of them, best wishes to you and your's, andy.

[anna]

Having lost so many family members and close friends over the years I can honestly say the best piece of advise that anyone has ever given me is this :

There is no wrong way to feel in grief.

You feel what you feel and it is neither right nor wrong.

I hope that in time you find peace and come to remember only the good times with all those that have passed on.

There is no script and each funeral and reaction is different. I had one period where quite a few in laws died in a short period. It did seem at the time I was always in the crem.

My nan died a couple of months ago. 94 so not a bad innings. she was in hospital for a few months before after a stroke but I didn't get to see her. She was very confused but I don't regret not seeing her there. I have so many memories and these are more important to me. My nan had lived in the same house for over 40 years and my mum lives there too (it is a very big house on 5 floors). I am popping down to London to see my mum on 19th for Christmas and it will be the first time that my nan will not be there. I am guessing that her self contained part of the house is now empty. Not looking forward to it.

Just grieve in your own way and don't feel guilty if your grief is different to others, none is wrong.

[Bri w]

Maria, I can't better what Anna as posted but would add live how those who have gone would want you to live, i.e. be the you that they knew and loved.

Maria,All I can add is that as you get older and realise that you yourself are working your way up the ladder it does not become any easier.Please don't dwell on it,yes the departed would probably like you to think of them once in a while,but they would probably much rather you led a rich and full life, so live for the moment and just occassionally have a quiet thought to yourself.
I am one of the elder members on here and I wouldn't like to think that my going made anybody unhappy[Some may even cheer] but you start dying from the minute you are born and it is what you do with the time in between that matters so live life like there may be no tomorrow.I console myself with the thought that my dad is still here[84],his dad was 97 and my aunt 104 so I hope I still have a few decades left to tick a couple of the "To do's" of my list.
Life is for living,not grieving, no matter how old or young you are.

First of all *hugs*

2009 was the hardest year I've had in a long time. My grandad passed away quite suddenly on the 3rd of January. What made it harder was I'd been told he was in hospital, and asked if I was going to see him, I wanted to go and see him, but my partner at the time wanted to go and buy a new bike jacket and we went to do that instead. I never saw my grandad before he passed away. I remember waking up in the morning to a phone call saying he'd gone, and I just crumbled into a heap. My partner at the time didnt like big shows of emotion, so I had to "suck it up" and hold it together. I remember a week later arguing with him because he wouldnt get ready to go to the funeral on time, we left our house 25miles away at the time we were supposed to be arriving at my grandads house to get into the funeral car. I was raging with him. I took a great deal of comfort in the fact that my grandads funeral was so well attended, it was standing room only. Due to my partner at the time I did a lot of grieving in private when he was out. I'd look at old pictures of me and my grandad, and I'd sit and sob, but also I'd think of the happy times and remember him with a smile. There are songs I can play to remind me of him. As others have said there's no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone is different. Sometimes feeling like you aren't really grieving is your way of doing it.

In June 2009 my partner left me - and in a strange way I grieved for the relationship too. I cried, and got angry and then got productive, as if moving on and "doing stuff" was the only way to "get over it".

In September 2009 my black lab had to be put to sleep and that was horrific and heartbreaking. I still cry for her.

Perhaps I'm an overly emotional person - i'll cry at anything from coronation street to disney films to injustice in the world. I do think crying sometimes helps. Even if you need to get drunk to do it, or angry, or just sit quietly on your own and remember.

Nothing is wrong when it comes to grief, sadness and loss.