Dealing with death and funerals

Originally Posted by Milky Bar Kid

There's no right way or wrong way to react to it

+1

Grief can take many forms, sadness, loneliness, questioning, anger, devastation, and any mix of the above ten minutes apart.

You are surrounded by generations of people, and your grandparents and great aunts and uncles are the same age, your parents, aunts, uncles and parents friends are all the same age, then there's your generation where you your brothers, sisters, and friends are a similar age. This means you will go though a few periods in your life where you seem to lose lots of people at the same time. Throw in a few people going before their time into the mix and you are where you are now. I went through a period where I had a regular nightmare where somebody had a pencil portrait of my family and a rubber, and they were going through it rubbing people out one at a time.

When you are young and experiencing the first few deaths of people close to you it hits you very hard, as you get through the third or fourth death you become more accustomed to it, (death is the only inevitability in life) and you learn how to cope with it a bit better. That may be why you feel you are not as upset as you should be about your Grandad.

Old people can also be easier to deal with than somebody who went before their time. My Grandmother died last year, and we were very close, but she was in a lot of pain, a had gone into a geriatric ward and told she was never going home. She died in her chair two days later, she had decided it was time to die. I knew that and know that she is no longer suffering. That makes it easier to celebrate her life and less difficult to grieve her death. Older people you have prepared yourself that it is going to happen before too long.

Originally Posted by G

For me recently I have had the canny ability to completely remove myself from emotion. Not necessarily in a good way though, as it can come across as being cold, but it's my way of dealing with things

But beware G this can come back and hit you like a train.

I didn't deal with my father's death properly, and I had watched him die in intensive care, sudden and rather dramatic (lots of blood, lots of tubes, lots of machines, lots of computer screens, etc). I slept on a chair besides his bed for three days and was there when he died.

He was 52 and went from no apparent health issue to dead in the space of two weeks, as the result of misdiagnosis then a resulting operation which he didn't actually need, going wrong.

I kept myself busy and stayed with my best friend or my sister most of the time, I only spent a few nights a week in my own flat and did a lot of miles as I was living in Stevenage, my friend in Hemel Hempstead and my Sister in Uxbridge. I was doing surprisingly OK.

One night in my flat I was lying in bed watching the film Backdraft on TV. At the end of the film somebody dies in the back of an ambulance while hooked up to a heart rate monitor. When I heard that beep I was instantly transported back into the intensive care unit standing next to my fathers bed and watching his heart rate monitor flat-line. I knew I was in my room, I could feel the bed and pillows around me and I found the remote control and pressed buttons to try and stop the beep, but I was completely blind to the room around me, all I could see was the intensive care unit. I shouted for help to my flat-mate and he came through switched off the TV and shook me back to reality. He realised what had happened 'cos he was a war veteran and the same kind of episode had happened to him and some of his friends, so I slept that night on his bedroom floor. My world fell apart and I couldn't function, couldn't get dressed, couldn't go to work. Within a week or so I was sat in front of a shrink hearing "post traumatic stress disorder".

That was six months after his death. Whatever you do with grief, DON'T run away from it, you have to face what has happened.

For those that think they can block out the emotion of grief this is not a good thing and you will NEVER be able to do it forever. It will catch up with you at some point and it may not be in the way you think it will be.

You need to grieve for that loss and the 5 stages I mentioned are a really important factor in that grief. Those stages of grieving apply to any loss... whether it be a death, loss of a limb or the ending of a relationship with sombody who meant a lot to you. Whilst I say there`s no right or wrong way to grieve the grieving does have to be done and if not it can cause problems later on in life and could manifest in many ways ie. an inability to commit to a long term relationship.

Acceptance of the loss has to be reached before we can go on to lead a healthy and emotionally balanced life.

Particularly true with young men BTW. You may want to keep your head high, your teeth gritted and your eye's dry during the public event that is the funeral, but just because you manage it on the worst day, you shouldn't then decide that you are strong enough to manage it every day.

[gruntygiggles]

Ah Maria, you poor thing. Some people on here know my family history and while I see no need to go into it here, it does mean that there are a few things that I would like to pass on.

Firstly, listen to what Anna and Speedy Claire have said. Firstly, we all have to find our own way through grief and what is right for one may not be right for another, so don't allow anyone to question or judge the way you are coping...so long as you are indeed coping and not just brushing under the carpet.

Secondly, as Claire has said, you have to go through the 5 stages of grief. You don't have to do it now, you don't have to do it in any kind of order necessarily, but you do need to go through it.

Now onto the point in your OP about the way you have felt about your grandfather passing. I hope that you do ok at the funeral today and have plenty of support there, but don't be surprised or feel bad about yourself if you're feeling you're not as upset as you'd expect to be or think you should be.
You've had to take on a number of losses in a very short space of time and when you're in a situation like that, as I and my family have been numerous times...you are not afforded the time to process one loss before you are being asked to process another. Make that into four losses in as many months and one of two things will happen. You'll either break down, unable to cope or you'll go into autodrive and it's like something happens in your mind that works like a valve...only allowing you to feel a certain amount of emotion at any one time in order to allow you to carry on your daily life. It's this coping mechanism that allows people to carry on in times of great tragedy and it is massively helpful, but it is VERY important that you remember that this is just a temporary coping mechanism. At a time that is right for you, you need to still go through those 5 stages of grief for each person. For one it may be a very quick process. For another, it may take much more time. It's almost 14 years since my uncle killed himself and it took me and the rest of the family years to accept that. Then, when his daughter died five years ago aged 16, it not only hit us with losing another such young little girl in the family, but also, it brought us all right back to square 1 dealing with Martyns death again, because all we could do was feel anger and direct blame at him for damaging that family unit and setting into motion a chain of events which lead to Ellen dying. It's been five years and I don't think any of us have come out the other side of it all again yet.

There are no rules, there are no time scales or limits and there should be no expectations put on you by yourself or anyone else.

Keep talking to people you feel comfortable talking to. Follow the links Claire has shared and take the support that you're being given. Remember the good times, remember the bad times, remember to keep those people alive in your heart by still talking about them and laughing about them and above all...remember to look after yourself and grieve in your own way.

I still have not visited the grave of my cousin and best friend that died hen we were 14 and her loss has been and still is the most difficult to accept, I've not had the chance as we've had such a succession of deaths in the family all these years since, but I know I have to deal with it one day and I will. But I will do it when I am ready.

Do it Maria, but do it your way.

Many hugs and when you get down here, my shoulder and ears can be all yours...or we can just watch birds, walk dogs and forget everything else...whatever you want! xxx

[Bibio]

a good cry + time and knowing that it comes to us all at some point.

Originally Posted by gruntygiggles

Stuff

Good post GG. I couldn't have explained that.

Originally Posted by gruntygiggles

There are no rules, there are no time scales or limits and there should be no expectations put on you by yourself or anyone else.

The best piece of advice I have seen written about the subject, bar none.

My mom died 6 years ago, after me and my step dad gave CPR for 1/2 hour til ambulance arrived, then watched them for another 40 minutes before it was obvious that it was the end. I still can't remember my mom without thinking of that night, and there is so much I want to remember but I get stuck on that horrible unexpected evening. Aside from all you guys just now, I have never spoken about the actual night, it is just an awful thing that me and my step dad went through.

Until I get over that night, I won't deal with the rest properly, and I know that. But I also know that at some point I will talk about it properly, and start to sort things out in my head. The pain of someone's death does not get easier, just slightly duller. Maybe posting this will start me to be able to talk about what happened, so perhaps something good will come from this rather morbid thread.

Anyway, it is hard, and emotions can catch you unawares and at unexpected times. Talk if it helps, spend time alone if that helps, but it's your grief and you will deal with it in your way. Take care.

[gruntygiggles]

Originally Posted by sloppy joe

The best piece of advice I have seen written about the subject, bar none.

My mom died 6 years ago, after me and my step dad gave CPR for 1/2 hour til ambulance arrived, then watched them for another 40 minutes before it was obvious that it was the end. I still can't remember my mom without thinking of that night, and there is so much I want to remember but I get stuck on that horrible unexpected evening. Aside from all you guys just now, I have never spoken about the actual night, it is just an awful thing that me and my step dad went through.

Until I get over that night, I won't deal with the rest properly, and I know that. But I also know that at some point I will talk about it properly, and start to sort things out in my head. The pain of someone's death does not get easier, just slightly duller. Maybe posting this will start me to be able to talk about what happened, so perhaps something good will come from this rather morbid thread.

Anyway, it is hard, and emotions can catch you unawares and at unexpected times. Talk if it helps, spend time alone if that helps, but it's your grief and you will deal with it in your way. Take care.

I think you need to seperate what happened that awful night from the grief and remembering your mum. Going through something like that is traumatic at least and you have to deal with that trauma on its own. I think it opens a whole other set of feelings that need to be worked through. I'm sure if Speedy Claire reads through this, she'll be better help to you in this regard than me.

Some of the best friends Dan and I have had their then 5 week old baby boy arrest 6 minutes after getting to the BRI two years ago. He was seen by triage, his heart rate was 306 and as the nurse went to get his temperature, he arrested. He arrested for a total of 2 hours, sometimes being brought back, only to arrest again. The consultant actually started calling time of death, but Becci fell to her knees, grabbed at the consultant and pretty much screamed at her not to give up. 25 minutes of manual compressions later, he returned to a more normal rythm. He was a long time in PICU, but has come through it all, despite needing daily meds possibly for life, but it left Becci and her mum, who witnessed it in a terrible state, long after it happened. In the end, they were both sent for counselling to deal with the trauma of the event, despite the happy ending.

Joe, I cannot imagine how awful it must be for you to remember that. I have a few memories of some of my loved ones passing, some peaceful, some horrific, but I think you're absolutely right to deal with it in your own way at your own pace. You can bet your dad will be struggling too, so maybe if you feel ready one day, ask him if he wants to talk about it and it may help you both, but again, if it won't, don't.

Maria, I really hope you're ok after the funeral today. xxx

Hi everyone, thanks for the posts. Some really tearjerker stories you're all hiding, this is not a thread to be read by the light hearted...

Funeral today was my first experience of a cremation. Didn't like it. Think you either agree with them or not but I personally would rather witness a body being burnt on a pyre than waiting to be incinerated. Probably insensitive, I don't mean to be, just it didn't feel right. To me. Anyway. Been for a late night walk to clear my head. Glad this day is over. x