Runway Humour

While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at The US Air crew, screaming "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

************************************************** ***


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.

************************************************** ***


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm rather bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was rather bored, not rather stupid!"

************************************************** ***


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

************************************************** ***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 - but I didn't land."

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** ***

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a plummy English accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

************************************************** ***

A BA short haul Fokker at Manchester is waiting for taxi clearance. ATC has been trying to get a trans-atlantic Virgin 747 airbourne for some time now, and they're about to miss their departure slot. Giving advance warning to the BA crew that they're next in the queue, the tower, with whom the BA crew have been bantering for some time, transmit the following:

ATC: "BA2649. Prepare for taxi instructions. You'll be south on Bravo 3, but we're giving priority to the delayed Virgin heavy."

BA2649: Very long silence, followed by this from the captain, who is laughing so hard he can barely speak, but is required to read back all instructions: "BA2649. Prepare taxi south on Bravo 3. Give way to the Virgin with the tight slot."

Followed by the sound of the flight deck erupting with laughter....


************************************************** ***

And a few from the Quantas Ground crew logs:

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
>
>
> Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots
> and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
>
> By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
>
> (P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and
> S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
> S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on backorder.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for!
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.

[jambo]

Brilliant

Haha! that was bloody well funny!

Brilliant

My god, it's a good job everyone in here has gone to lunch, I'm choking with laughter!
Excellent!

best one:

Suspected broken window.
Suspect your right.


ha, ha, ha.

[anna]

Brilliant, crying with laughter into the keyboard.

chris

Classic. I am sure this one is not true... but here goes anyway:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

These are just superb!! I'd never heard the ones on the first post before!!