The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[Viney]

What do you get if you cross a Fridge and a Stereo?



Cool Music



Care of the Acme Craker co!

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.


Same source as Vineys joke.

[Stingo]

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people
at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still
want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

* I call English my Mother tongue, my Father rarely got the chance to use it.

* An English cat called One-Two-Three and a French Cat called Un-deux-trois, decide to have a swimming race across a lake. Which cat won? the English Cat, Un-deux-trois catre cinq.

* A man is about to be put into the electric chair and the prison chaplin asks him if there's anything he can do fo him in his dying moments. 'Yes' says the man. 'Will you hold my hand?'

* Why in American movies can detectives only solve cases once they've been suspended from duty?

* two fat blokes are in a pub. One says to the other 'Your round'. The other replies, 'So are you, you fat b*st*rd!'

* What goes 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 4, ...? Bo Derek getting older

* What's the difference between Justin Timberlake and a Shopping trolley? The trolley has a mind of its own.

* Did you hear about the Blonde who thought that Doris Day was a national holiday?

Blonde goes into a shop and spots a thermos flask.She asks what it does and the assistant says"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Brilliant idea"she says and buys it.Next day she takes it to work to show it off.Her boss asks her what she's got in it.She replies "coffee and some ice cream".

why dont they have potatos in wiltshire?????





















cos they dont have DE-VIZES-ES for CHIPPING-EM

[squirrel_hunter]

Bikers Stu, Mal, and 'arry were waiting for entrance into Heaven.
St. Peter walked up to Stu and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Stu thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green girls bike, Honda Hornet over there."

St. Peter approached Mal and asked the same question. Mal answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the blue Triumph T595 if you can start it..

St. Peter stepped up to 'arry and repeated the question. Without pause, 'arry answered, "Never!"
St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that beautiful blue Kawasaki ZX12R."

Grinning from ear to ear, 'arry approaches the bike, but when he reaches the beautiful Kawasaki, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding a choice Kawasaki for the rest of eternity." 'arry replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa?
That's my wife!"

Originally Posted by hovi5

why dont they have potatos in wiltshire?????




cos they dont have DE-VIZES-ES for CHIPPING-EM

Do(ug)h very good Hovi5!

Originally Posted by squirrel_hunter

*snip!*

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding a choice Kawasaki for the rest of eternity." 'arry replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa?
That's my wife!"

.................................................. ..............................?


....OH! I get it!

TRAIN JOURNEYS
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you *******s, who
want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop!

And all of you *******s, who are getting on, get your ass in the train,
because we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your bedroom and stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added:

"For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the
kitchen."