The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[DJ123]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A man comes home from work early to find his , wife naked in bed and a pair of legs dangling from the balcony of the flat above, so he runs to the balcony grabs the legs and pulls and pulls until the guy lets go. He falls 3 storeys but is still moving, so the man rushes into the kitchen , picks up the refrigerator and hurls it over the balcony, crushing the guy on the floor, he then promptly dies of a heart attack due to the strain.

A moment later 3 men appear at the pearly gates...

St Peter says "if you can tell me how you died I'll let you into Heaven".

1st Man says " I came home from work early to find my wife naked in bed and a pair of legs dangling from the balcony above, so I pulled the f**ker off, he fell 3 storeys but was still moving, so I grabbed the fridge out of the kitchen, threw it over the balcony but then I had a heart attack and died".

"You may enter" Says St Peter.

2nd Man says " I was lifting weights on my balcony, lost my balance and went straight over the railings but I managed to grab on, then some nutter pulled my legs 'til I fell off, then the lunatic threw a fridge at me which crushed me to death"!

"You may enter" Says St Peter.

3rd Man says " Well I was shagging that first guys wife, when he came home early I hid in the fridge"!

[Shawthing]

Just a quick reminder.... Those of you who stole electric goods in last year's rioting, Your 1 year warranty runs out soon!

[mikerj]

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl, tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

I was watching the mens 100m final the other day when my son came up to me and asked, "Dad, what's the shortest race in the Olympics?"

"the Chinese", I replied.

[squirrel_hunter]

Good news!

The Olympic Legacy has already started to kick in.

I caught the first 5 minutes of The Jeremy Kyle Show this morning, and literally everybody on there were wearing tracksuits.

I've just joined that tesco dating service



I've got a bag for life....

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

[_Stretchie_]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then she would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling.

My co-worker (who is naturally blonde by the way) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told her I was a light bulb. She said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!!"
(You're gonna love this....)
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

It's amazing what you can get away with if you look like Sylvester Stallones mum...........

[Bluepete]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443


Pete