The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

Originally Posted by punyXpress

. . . but BEWARE!
If it's from dp it'll be laxative chocolate.

I'll test it on the misses first

[punyXpress]

Ever the gent.

Originally Posted by punyXpress

Ever the gent.

Ala Mr. Preston

[DJ123]

• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances

[punyXpress]

11. Adolf Schicklgrueber. All the above per post 520 courtesy Bluepete

Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.

[andrewsmith]

Originally Posted by Dabber

Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.

Narrows it down to about a million

Why don`t Catholics wear Condoms ?









Because you can`t get little Boys pregnant

[squirrel_hunter]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

Half of Essex.

[punyXpress]

A day in the life of a BMW* driver:


Stolen from another forum. Did make me chuckle.

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!"

* other vankmobils are available, mainly Audi & Mercedes Benz