The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Richie]

Horrific Ghost in Grave yard caught on Camera =0/

[punyXpress]

How it all began

Old Testament computing....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.

[punyXpress]

Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

I was working out last night when I discovered a hole in my trainer, big enough to get 2 fingers in







She's now made an official complaint and I'm banned for life

[Shawthing]

A bloke walks into a pet shop and asks if he can buy a canary. The proprietor replies “ I’m sorry, we’ve sold out. You wont find a canary in town. I do have a parakeet, though.” The Bloke insists he wants a canary, so the shop owner tells him that a parakeet can be made to sound just like a canary if you file the beak down. “But you have to be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water .” The bloke recons that this is complete bull, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary, but again he has no luck. “But” says the girl behind the counter, “I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak down carefully it can be made to sound just like a canary.” She, too, then goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardise the bird’s life, due to the potential of drowning. The Bloke decides that there might be something to it, and buys the parakeet. “Besides” he tells himself, “parakeets are much cheaper.” His next stop is a DIY shop, where he wanders into the tools section, holding his recently-purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks if he needs some help. The bloke sheepishly explains how he intends to make the bird sing like a canary. The store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. “Here, this is what you want - a 200mm half round file. But be carefull not to file too much off, or the poor thing will drown.” The bloke thanks the DIY store owner , pays and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bloke wanders into the DIY store again. The owner, recognising him, asks how it went with the parakeet. The bloke looks down and sadly reports, “Actually, the bird’s dead.” The store owner looks sympathetic and asks, “Did you file too much off the beak?” The bloke shakes his head and says, “Nope. He was dead when I took him out of the vice.”

[keith_d]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about and didn't want to anyway.

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to "put your tuppence in"...but it's only a “penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
• Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
• Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from??
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
• Do you ever wonder why we post rubbish like this?

Originally Posted by keith_d

• Why do you have to "put your tuppence in"...but it's only a “penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Taxes

[Richie]

catchy Tune... Must be Welsh lol

[Geodude]

Ha ha Richie, how do you find this stuff.. erm then again maybe best kept to yourself

[squirrel_hunter]

Somebody has stolen my copy of Microsoft Office right off of my computer.

If the thief is reading this:

I will hunt you down and bring you to justice. You have my Word.