The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

There are two really great lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are; and,

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!

[Dave20046]

What's the difference between red and green?

**** all apparently if you're a cyclist.

[squirrel_hunter]

Shortly after uttering the words "Hold my beer and watch this", there stood before me a tall, ghostly, mysterious figure wearing a black cloak and carrying a scythe.

"Are you Death?", I ask.

"No", came the reply "I can hear you perfectly well".

[DarrenSV650S]

[BanannaMan]

How do you ruin a pikey wedding?
Flush the punch bowl.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well... it was the first thing I grabbed out of my shopping bag to lob back at the little pikey barstewards throwing rocks at me



What's the difference between a chicken and a roadkill squirrel?
Nothing if you're a pikey and it's your turn to cook.



I've just played the Pikey version of Monopoly...
There's a tarmac strip all the way around the board. You don't pay any tax and you never go to jail. You can stop anywhere and pay no rent...
There's no rules included in the box...so you just do what the hell you want.

[BanannaMan]

Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in America.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident,
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat and he became President of the United States!”



I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.





Three men were standing on a magic carpet.
One was English, one was French, and the third was American.
This magic carpet made anyone who was standing on it disappear if they told a lie.
The Englisman said, " I think I'm the most handsome man in the world!" and he vanished.
The Frenchman said, " I think I am the strongest man in the world!" and he vanished too.
Then the American said, " I think.." and he vanished as well.



Understanding Chinese English:

1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni
5) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat
6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King
9) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in America.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident,
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat and he became President of the United States!”

This one is a bit out of date now Bush isn't there anymore

Originally Posted by BanannaMan

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I've actually seen this written on forums by Americans complaining about people calling them dumb

[BanannaMan]

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.


BBC News: Tube crash in London city centre kills over 120 people.
1 British man died in the accident.



I'm trying to give up making jokes about minorities.
So no need to worry any of you white British people.



I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.
That's how much I hate the ****ing French.

[BanannaMan]

What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."



I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.



I ususally cry when having sex. Mace just does that to me.

[BanannaMan]

Did you hear about the cop who nicked his own toddler for refusing to take a nap?
Seems he was resisting a rest.