The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[squirrel_hunter]

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

[punyXpress]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '

[punyXpress]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/upEBdKFGlPg

[punyXpress]

Not new ones, But . .
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT AND
WORTH £400,000 PER WEEK?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'llwin
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed
on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered
he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years,
even though I live in Middlesbrough ."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country".
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[punyXpress]

Boy on holiday in Magaluf texts his mate, "Weather here like your mum, 36 & hot"

His mate replies "Weather here just like your sister, 18 & wet"

Just been diagnosed with colour blindness. Well, that came out of the purple

[Bluepete]

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

[punyXpress]

One for LPH:
Federal Court Ruling on 7-Y-O Boy....

CANBERRA - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody
of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian
Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.

What's invisible and smells like worms?

...

Pigeon fart

[PyroUK]