The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[ClunkintheUK]

Like it LOM. Do you work in manufacturing by any chance.

[BanannaMan]

What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.








A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "**** me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un ****ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"In-****ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"

[Jabba]

Are David Cameron, Ed Miliband and other politicians visiting flooded towns and villages in the Thames Valley because they think they might be able to influence some floating voters?







Too soon..........? ;)

[carelesschucca]

More like too true.

[Richie]

http://forums.sv650.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=13608&stc=1&d=1392574101

[keith_d]

Friedrich Nietzsche demonstrated that he didn't understand Darwin's theory of natural selection when he wrote, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

[BanannaMan]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

[chris8886]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"



LOL! I love you banannaMan, the way you're able to take the pi55 out of yourself and fellow americans! :p

[christian1000]

A pair of engineers jokes


A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

---
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[BanannaMan]

LOL! I love you banannaMan, the way you're able to take the pi55 out of yourself and fellow americans! :p


Who's takin the ****?
I gave em' 15 points!



Hey, we can't help it if we're the richest, most powerful nation in the world with the healtiest, most attractive, friendliest, smartest and most intelligent people.
And we know everyone wants to be just like us and move to America and ride Harley Davidson's and drive 4X4 pickups and watch world champion NFL Football and live the American Deam!!!
Yee hah!!!






To pretend to not know, is the same as not knowing, no?

[BanannaMan]

Some people say to get the most out of life you should live every day as if it's your last.
I've tried it a time or two but lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on and tube shoved up your ar5e isn't all that great IMHO.




I was shocked to find out how many men my new girlfriend had slept with.
Sixty one apparently.
She's always saying I'm her sixty second lover.

[keith_d]

Hey, we can't help it if we're the richest, most powerful nation in the world with the healtiest, most attractive, friendliest, smartest and most intelligent people.


Hmm....

Richest - only until China decides to sell dollars
Most powerful - but still can't beat a ragtag bunch of Afgan towelheads

Healthiest - only if you can afford the health insurance
Most attractive - clearly you haven't seen the Swedish women

Friendliest - who started two wars in the last 20 years?
Smartest - who elected George W Bush?
Most intelligent - see above

[keith_d]

Oops, I forgot the obligatory joke.

An American General and an British General are visiting Camp Bastion and by chance end up meeting in the lavatories. The British general finishes his business, gives it a shake, zips up his fly and heads for the door.

Seeing this the American general speaks, "In the American army we wash our hands after going to the bathroom"

The British General replies, "Well in the British army we've learned not to p**s on our own hands".

[BanannaMan]

Hmm....

Richest - only until China decides to sell dollars
Most powerful - but still can't beat a ragtag bunch of Afgan towelheads

Healthiest - only if you can afford the health insurance
Most attractive - clearly you haven't seen the Swedish women

Friendliest - who started two wars in the last 20 years?
Smartest - who elected George W Bush?
Most intelligent - see above






Erm..You do realize that whole bit was a joke, right?

[BanannaMan]

How does a young pikey girl know if her dad's gay?

She's still a virgin when she turns 11.





A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".







What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my **** smell like **** doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

[andrewsmith]

The Geordie Thermometer

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it’s worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over……….Sunderland qualify for Europe.

[BanannaMan]

A rocket launches from Houston to Mars with two monkeys and an American on board.

Houston radios the first monkey and says, "Adjust oxygen 20%, stop radar and phase to warp factor 3."
Monkey 1 replies, "Okay, roger that."

Houston then radios the second monkey: "Switch off engine 3, start radiation shield and adjust anti-gravitational throttle.
Monkey 2 replies "Roger that."

Houston calls American: "Feed the monkeys, and don't ****ing touch a thing!"

[BanannaMan]

64% of U.S. students can't find Ukraine on a map.

Doesn't matter, really. Soon, nobody will.





I don't know why people in the US are so afraid of World War III.

Even if Russia declared war tomorrow, we are still at least three years away from the States joining the war.





Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for Russian aggression in Ukraine.

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now.

[BanannaMan]

Feel bad for the Crimeans today.

Let's all sing their national song, "Crimea River"







I used a public toilet today and there was a sign on the top of the hand dryer.

It read "Press button for a short speech from David Cameron"

[BanannaMan]

Shooting at Arabs and Muslims is no drama,
Especially if your name is Barack Obama,
Killing the farmers who grow for Zimbabwe,
It's second nature to Mr Mugabe,
Steal all the land, we are doing it daily
It's all part and parcel of being Israeli,
But taking a country without even shootin'?
There can only be one Vladimir Putin.

[BanannaMan]

To offset any possible lost Gas revenues and to boost the economy, the Ukraine has anounced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists.

They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

[BanannaMan]

So Crimea has devised an independence referendum, voted, counted the votes and ratified the results ... all within 48 hours.

Makes the Scots' performance look pretty ****-poor.

[BanannaMan]

You know you're booked on Malaysian Airlines when.....

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight the crew rolls dice to see who will be captain.
The stewardess asks you to fasten your velcro.
The plane has both a bathroom and a chapel.

[BanannaMan]

What's the quickest way to feed a large number of sharks?

Malaysian Airlines.

[BanannaMan]

Well done to Ireland for winning The Six Nations.
Even more well done to the French for actually fighting until the end.






All this time and money spent looking for that Malaysian Plane,
They could've just bought a new one.





This missing plane full of Chinese. Just a thought but has anyone checked Morecambe Bay yet?



Has anyone checked with Katie Price's gynaecologist to see if he's seen that missing plane?



The family of the PC World employee who was on Malaysian flight 370 are pleased that their son couldn't be to blame for the crash after an expert said it would take someone with technical expertise with computers to disable the onboard systems.

[CharleyFarley]

I'm getting worried about flying......first the Malaysian Plane Crash...........then A Chopper goes missing in Middlesborough.


"Gas it w###a".........

[BanannaMan]

Well, it's that day again when the Irish miss work and spend all day drinking.

Monday







What do a pint of Guinness and the mother-in-law's birthday have in common?

For one day a year, you have to pretend that you actually like them.

[BanannaMan]

Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.





Obama has warned Russia there will be "consequences" for their actions in Crimea.
Namely:
1. Russia will get a little bigger.
2. America will look a bit daft.

[punyXpress]

3. We're in for a long cold winter when Putin turns off the gas. :(

[Shawthing]

What do you call the period of time between eating a piece of chicken and realising you don't like Peri Peri sauce?




A Nando second.

[BanannaMan]

Putin announces 97% of voters in Crimea voted to rejoin Russia.

The other 3% were in the Hospital with recent injuries and unavailable for comment.

[BanannaMan]

Two old gits sitting in the park for too long, one says,
"I've got to get up, me bums fallen asleep.
The other replies,
"Thought so, I heard it snoring a few minutes ago."

[BanannaMan]

When I first went to L.A. I thought the streets were paved with gold.
Turns out it was just sunlight reflecting off the pools of pi55.




I'm not saying my wife's ugly, but people with cancer have started taking selfies to support her.



All of these no make up selfies have certainly raised awareness, especially with 50% of the population.
Blokes everywhere now understand why it takes all these mingers so long to get ready for a night out.

[Stingo]

How about renaming this thread 'Bananaman's thread of not very funny jokes'?

[BanannaMan]

http://cenvachristiansportbike.homestead.com/709511-humorsetup_1_.gif

[Bluepete]

http://cenvachristiansportbike.homestead.com/709511-humorsetup_1_.gif


Excellent!

Keep it up Bill!

Pete ;)

[DJFridge]

I was going to suggest "the Why is Banaman the only one posting? Surely somebody else must know some more jokes. Somebody? thread" as a rename. Anyway Mr Banana, they may not all be funny but dang there's a whole lot of them. The only jokes that seem to pop into my mind at the moment are either sexist, racist, disablist or some hideous combination of all three ](*,)

http://cenvachristiansportbike.homestead.com/709511-humorsetup_1_.gif

:salut:

[andrewsmith]

Last night I tried to do a **** in a Sock selfie, police were not best pleased with the riot van

[chris8886]

How about renaming this thread 'Bananaman's thread of not very funny jokes'?



there's the odd one that's not great, but most of them are really good! keep going please bill you always bring a smile to my face with these!


so wind it in stingo! ;):p

Excellent!

Keep it up Bill!

Pete ;)

quite.

[KeithCRM]

How about renaming this thread 'Bananaman's thread of not very funny jokes'?

+1. Sorry but it's true!

[BanannaMan]

I don't care if they like my jokes, I still have a great butt.
Every time I finish talking to someone and start to walk away, I can hear them whispering 'what an a55'.


A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were stranded on a desert island.
They find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The Frenchman wishes he was off the island and somewhere in beautiful Paris.
The Englishman says "I can top that, I wish I were living the life of luxury in the finest castle in England".
The American says "I’m kinda lonely. I wish my friends were back here."




A British soldier is walking around in Iraq. He stumbles on a Genie's lamp, rubs it a genie comes out and says : "you have one wish, what would that be?"
The soldier thinks a little and says " I wish for the war in Iraq to end".
The Genie says, em I" don't think even I can do something about that. Do you have any other wish?"
The soldier then says "I want England to win the World Cup"
The Genie looks at the soldier and says "What was that wish about Iraq again?"

[DarrenSV650S]

Sorry bananaman but they are pish. Actually worse than the Daily Star jokes

[Biker Biggles]

As the sticky says threads here are like books in a library.If you dont like them,dont read them.

Personally Id rather see a bad joke than no joke,but Im easily pleased.

[chris8886]

As the sticky says threads here are like books in a library.If you dont like them,dont read them.

Personally Id rather see a bad joke than no joke,but Im easily pleased.



HERE HERE, well said that man! there are people about that I don't wish to read comments from, I therefore choose not to read them and there are people who's names I see have come up in a thread and I then read said thread just for that reason (that they posted). we all do something like this I suspect, (whether that be subconsciously or deliberately), I'm sure there are people that wish to avoid anything written by myself, which is their choice and I'd likely agree with them in any case, lol.


*sorry for the non sensical drivel, but I am a bit on the tired side and struggling to think right now, but I think I have got my point across :rolleyes:

[ophic]

How do you know if you like something until you've read it?

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk

[chris8886]

I quite agree with you, however there are one or two, that I just know that I really have no wish to read what they will have written, so I CHOOSE not to read it.

[DJFridge]

Well I always look forward to seeing the latest slice of Banana based humour

[Matt-EUC]

Well I always look forward to seeing the latest slice of Banana based humour

Badum Tish...

[DJFridge]

Remember to give to Sport Relief. As little as five pounds a month can help a disabled athlete to learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend

[DJFridge]

What's the first rule of Thesaurus Club?

You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, debate, converse or chat about Thesaurus Club

[DJFridge]

Roses are red,
Violers are glorious.
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorious

[DJFridge]

China has jumped on the junk food bandwagon

They've started selling quarter pandas

[DJFridge]

Someone clobbered me with a power tool the other day. I was just standing there, minding my own business, and Bosch!

[Matt-EUC]

A true and accurate LOL

[BanannaMan]

Well, I knew if I kept it up long enough someone else would eventually start posting here. ;)
I just didn't know there would be all that whining first. :rolleyes:








How is it the government knows exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but hasn't got a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located?
Maybe they should try putting the DVLA in charge of immigration.

[BanannaMan]

What do women and KFC have in common?
After you're done with the legs, breasts and thighs, you have a greasy box to put your bone in.



How is porn like KFC Chicken?
It feels great when you're doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty.
And your hands are all sticky.

[L3nny]

How is porn like KFC Chicken?
It feels great when you're doing it, but afterwards, you feel really dirty.
And your hands are all sticky.

At least KFC give you a baby wipe

[andrewsmith]

What's the difference between an Essex bird and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't spit its load out after its finished

written with a biro

[Bluepete]

How do you know an Essex girl has had an orgasm?

She spills her chips...

[DarrenSV650S]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/dar-dar-141.jpg

[DJFridge]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/dar-dar-141.jpg

That has to win the prize for geekiest joke of the week!

[BanannaMan]

America's worst air disaster ever occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
American search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.







I was reading about this bloke who got fined a £1000 by the TV licensing inspector for not having a TV license.
Then I heard of another guy who got out on bail for £500 after being arrested for murder.
So . .Why worry about getting a TV license. If an inspector comes round..KILL him!You could save yourself FIVE HUNDRED quid!

[punyXpress]

. . or should this be Fact of the Day?

BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS REPORTS


The excerpts below are genuine extracts taken from (British Military) Officers Annual Confidential Reports across the decades. Unlike today of course, when a bad report, a scathing report or a politically incorrect report is not allowed!! Today everybody is brilliant. At least when these gems hit the page nobody was ever in any doubt about what was meant or how bad the individual was!!!


1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet..

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

[punyXpress]

What do you find in the toilet on the Starship Enterprise?
The Captains Log.

[DJFridge]

Thanks for the military ones, I'm still wiping tears. I particularly liked the If he was any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

[davepreston]

his men would like him to lead from the front, especially through a mine field

[punyXpress]

He'd be daft enough to do it!

[carelesschucca]

Used to check all the CR's for REME. Best comment I remember was Craftsman X appears to have his brains in his balls, unfortunately he comes in after each and every weekend heavily concussed.

[punyXpress]

Don't mess with OAPs:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

[SV_archie99]

Just back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to s******g a lady boy !!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!.......
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed into the garage first time I thought to myself "hang on a f*****g minute.............

[BanannaMan]

David Cameron has announced plans to put a cap on the number of European immigrants entering the UK.

Good idea. At least then they won't get the sun in their eyes whilst picking strawberries.

[BanannaMan]

My daughter asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I told her it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not. :p

[punyXpress]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband,
"I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker."
He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I must
admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."
She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

[BanannaMan]

Oscar Pistorius says if he beats the rap he'll emigrate to America and marry Amanda Knox.
He says he'll do all the cooking and look after the knives while she keeps the key to the gun cabinet in her purse.



At least we now know why Oscar Pistorius didn't take up wheelchair basketball.
He starts crying everytime he enters the court.




How many Paralympians does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'm not sure, but I know one who'll take a shot at it.

[Jabba]

Peaches Geldof's body has been released to her family so a funeral can be arranged.

They're deciding whether to have her buried, cremated or tinned.





Too soon? :rolleyes:

[Bluepete]

Peaches Geldof's body has been released to her family so a funeral can be arranged.

They're deciding whether to have her buried, cremated or tinned.





Too soon? :rolleyes:


Nope!

Proper funny.

Pete ;(

[BanannaMan]

A little something for everyone today,



It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.


The midget fortune teller who kills his clients and flees is a small medium at large.


A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.


What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.


Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.


Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.


Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!


What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.


My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.


What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.


What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.


Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.


I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.


PMS should just be called ovary-acting.


I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.


You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.


What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.


Dry erase boards are remarkable.


Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.


How important is capitalization??? It's the difference between , 'I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse' and 'I helped my uncle jack off his horse'.

[PyroUK]

If travelling to South Africa, please use only approved toilets:
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/04/11/ne8yduzu.jpg

[punyXpress]

If you think life is bad.....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all....
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

[Viney]

Bananananananaman and the rest of you orrible lot

Just a word about your jokes. Remember the U rating dear boy. Some of yours would be questionable. Not saying they aint funny just not really for all audiences.

Other than that, keep em up.

Thank you

[Jabba]

BOther than that, keep em up.

<sniggers>

;)

Sorry.

[Thunderace]

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

[BanannaMan]

In the news: Mysterious Single Black Circle Sighted in the Sky Over Leamington Spa.

It was actually a sign, telling how many goals England will score at this years World Cup in Brazil.









I was impressed by the minute's silence in Liverpool earlier for the Hillsborough victims.

I was certain they couldn't go that long without mentioning it.

[PyroUK]

Jesus died to give us 2 bank holidays.

Jesus, God’s only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather’s beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: “The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who’s got a bit of decorating to do.

“And He said unto them, Fear not ye for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy the pub?”

“How can the atheists scoff when only eight days of leave need be booked to give sixteen days off? Marvel at the ways of the Lord.”

[BanannaMan]

The lawyers at Cardiff contacted the FA to tell them they will be sending a letter of complaint over the 'leaked team' allegations.

The FA told them not to bother sending the letter, they've already seen it.

[BanannaMan]

I know it's normal for towns to name places to reflect their heritage, but I think it's a bit much for Manchester to have Bury, Rusholme and Hyde.





David Moyes has been offered another job already! The Great Britain Tobogganing Team have said they have been looking for years for someone who can push a team downhill at that sort of speed.






David Moyes receiving 4 million for being a complete failure?
I'd be willing to do the same next season for under a million quid.

[Bluepete]

Condoms aren't completely safe.

My mate was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

Pete ;)

[BanannaMan]

I think the world community needs to do more to make sure all those abducted Nigerian girls can be returned home where they can be sold into prostitution and slavery by their own family, not some bloody terrorist.

[_Stretchie_]

I know it's normal for towns to name places to reflect their heritage, but I think it's a bit much for Manchester to have Bury, Rusholme and Hyde.


Oi Bill, you leave Rusholme alone.... The best kebabs in the world live there

[BanannaMan]

A team of British experts has flown to Nigeria, to help find the 276 abducted schoolgirls.

Their first job will be to tell the American team where Nigeria is.





It's only since the US army moved into Nigeria, that I realised 'schoolgirls' is an anagram of 'oilwells'





Americans enter Nigeria to help find the kidnapped girls.

Progress so far.
Three Black Hawks down - no survivors.
27 Nigerian soldiers caught in crossfire
Chinese embassy bombed
87 casualties
Two girls rescued who were not yet lost along with a dog named Buck.



.

[Matt-EUC]

Yeah! 'MERICA!!! Hoorah!

[Biker Biggles]

And the British upset the Nigerians by wishing Jonathon good luck.
And the Central African Republic again scores zero in Pointless.

[rapidgaz]

For the engineers amongst you.

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."



Have engineering friends? Share this with them by clicking below!


Sent down the wires from home

[ophic]

Have engineering friends? Share this with them by clicking below!
Paste fail? :p

[rapidgaz]

Lol

[Fruity-ya-ya]

Made me lol too!

[rapidgaz]

IPhone fault lol

[daveyrach]

IPhone fault lol

That's the fault, that it's an Iphone.

[rapidgaz]

That's the fault, that it's an Iphone.

Lol.

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/DD7D9762-361F-4711-B3A3-DD58CF4275D5_zps0a3cb652.jpg