The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[littleoldman2]

And another one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ4a2BzXjC0&list=PLKG4DWePNkJd13ymS4j5fhUPUDGGcaeWX

[punyXpress]

I hope we don’t have a repeat of last year’s Christmas party.
They played The Twist, so I twisted.
They played Jump, so I jumped.
Then they played Come on Eileen. I was asked to leave shortly after that.

[Sebulba]

Three stages of your sex life:

Tri weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

[BanannaMan]

While there is little doubt Shakespeare thought of Richard III as a barsteward apparently now there's DNA proof.

[punyXpress]

: Exotic holiday
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well when the train we were travelling on broke down a few miles north of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all
other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey!

[punyXpress]

Makes sense to me !
*Psychiatrist vs. Bartender*
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
*“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”;*
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to
me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”;*
“How much do you charge?”;*
“Eighty dollars per visit,”;* replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,”;* I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. *“Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?”;* He asked.
“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”;
“Is that so?”;* With a bit of an attitude he said, *“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”;*
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”;*
*FORGET THE SHRINKS..*
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!*
*IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION.*

[punyXpress]

I found myself in a pub in Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman..

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[Richie]

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.
I fear the Wurst

[Trev B]

A certain Beatle got his ex wife a wooden leg for Christmas,it's not her main present,just a stocking filler!!!

[punyXpress]

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull****."

[BanannaMan]

Best Christmas commercial this year:

b9TTz3R5SmI&feature=player_detailpage

[punyXpress]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Matt-EUC]

What's black and white and red all over??






Penguin eating a jam sandwich.







What's black and white and read all over?









A newspaper.










What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?















Penguin rolling down a hill.










What do you call a woman who throws all her unpaid bills into a fire?







Bernadette.

[KingDerelict]

What’s black & white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.

An embarrassed penguin.

A panda covered in ketchup.

A skunk with nappy rash.

A culled badger.

A magpie in your bicycle spokes.

A nun swimming in a vat of tomatoes.

A chessboard full of raspberries.

A piano player with a nose bleed.

Newcastle United players after a game at Sunderland.

[andrewsmith]

:winner:

[BanannaMan]

Shopping in Lidl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKsGKERivTQ&feature=player_detailpage

[Jabba]

After confirming that he will be leaving Liverpool at the end of the season, Steven Gerrard has also confirmed that he's written his memoirs.

Unfortunately, the book can't be published as it has no title...........

[L3nny]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.


When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[punyXpress]

Nowt funny about this one:


Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON for Christmas.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network.
This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

[BanannaMan]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him very frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him....(are you ready?).... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[BanannaMan]

Who says Americans don't understand irony???

It's like the opposite of wrinkly, right?

[Bluepete]

Who says Americans don't understand irony???

It's like the opposite of wrinkly, right?

No, it's like goldy, but it rusts.

Pete ;)

[punyXpress]

This wont last long:

What's he like?

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heart-warming story
My small grandson got lost in Sainsburys, he approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Gordon's Gin and women with big tits."

[Trev B]

Vegetarian .....red Indian for lousy hunter!!!

[BanannaMan]

I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem.
I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish mas******ing I sing the American national anthem”.
The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of w****rs sing that”.

[TicklinJock]

I like it - A star spangled joke :-)

[BanannaMan]

As of 31 Jan. 2015, the word gullible has been removed from all dictionaries, both on-line and in print.

[chris8886]

As of 31 Jan. 2015, the word gullible has been removed from all dictionaries, both on-line and in print.



really? are you sure?! ;) :p

[punyXpress]

. . . from April 1st over here.

[BanannaMan]

I had a chance to go to the Queen's Golden Jubilee last year but I didn't waste the time.
If I wanted to see an 88 year old woman sitting around for hours to be seen I would have gone to the nearest NHS hospital.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco, Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said "I am a Magician and Juggler, I am on my way to Austin, Texas, to do a show for the Shine Circus. I don't want to be late"

The trooper told the driver "I'm fascinated by juggling and if you will do a little juggling I'll let you off the speeding ticket."

To which the driver replied "I have sent my equipment ahead and don't have anything to juggle."

"I got some safety flares in the boot, can you juggle those?" The trooper asked. The driver said he could.

The trooper got five flares from the boot, lit them and handed them to the driver.

While the man was juggling a car pulled up behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken driver got out and watched the performance, then went to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him and went to the car, opened the door and asked the drunk driver what he thought he was doing.

The drunk driver replied "you might as well take me to jail, 'cause there is no way I can pass that test."

[punyXpress]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and
gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really messed up now.”

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and
gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really messed up now.”

Love thar, how to make DJ really laugh

[Jabba]

American TV companies did a survey in the Middle East. They discovered the people in Iran and Iraq don't like The Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[punyXpress]

What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condtiion imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the speaker declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the little things that are important to each other ....” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?” I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered, “Self-raising, isn’t it?” And thus began my life of celibacy...

[DarrenSV650S]

PgOU1A-GIjs

[PyroUK]

Lmao!!!!!!

[L3nny]

She literally tore her hair out!

[punyXpress]

Subject: 5 Nights

A Geordie guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Geordie barmaid. As she takes his order of a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and, although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders 'Broon' and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders 'Broon' but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Newcastle. ‘Byker’ he tells her ‘So am I, whereabouts?’ she enquires. ‘The Wall’ he replies.

‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what part?’ ‘Tyne View' he replies.

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’ ‘Number 20’ he replies.

She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’.

‘I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’.

HE WHO DRINKS NEWCASTLE, THINKS NEWCASTLE!!!!!

[keith_d]

Scientists have known for some time that plants feel stress. In fact they produce a wide range of chemicals in response to damage (http://jxb.oxfordjournals.org/content/52/354/1.full), and while it is more difficult to measure in plants than animals it is becoming clear that plants feel pain too.

Some of my vegetarian friends explained that one of the reasons they went veggie was the unneccessary suffering involved in meat production. Clearly they didn't realise that plants also experience pain.

So next time you meet a vegetarian tell them...

"Vegetarians, if you have any shred of humanity left, stop using the slow cooker!!"

[BanannaMan]

Scientists have known for some time that plants feel stress. In fact they produce a wide range of chemicals in response to damage (http://jxb.oxfordjournals.org/content/52/354/1.full (http://jxb.oxfordjournals.org/content/52/354/1.full)), and while it is more difficult to measure in plants than animals it is becoming clear that plants feel pain too.

Some of my vegetarian friends explained that one of the reasons they went veggie was the unneccessary suffering involved in meat production. Clearly they didn't realise that plants also experience pain.

So next time you meet a vegetarian tell them...

"Vegetarians, if you have any shred of humanity left, stop using the slow cooker!!"










Sounds like a good reason to give up mowing in the summer.

[Essex of Essex]

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."

[BanannaMan]

http://i1055.photobucket.com/albums/s507/thebanannaman/android_zpsxfqgy4iy.jpg

[BanannaMan]

If prisoners took pictures of themselves
Would they be called cellphies ???

[Trev B]

The sales man said to me,as one door closes,another one opens,but apart from that it's a nice little runner and cheap to insure,.....boom boom!,,

[DarrenSV650S]

If prisoners took pictures of themselves
Would they be called cellphies ???

No. They would be considered users/subjects of cellfies. "Cellphies" is a made-up word...

[DarrenSV650S]

The sales man said to me,as one door closes,another one opens,but apart from that it's a nice little runner and cheap to insure,.....boom boom!,,

...to which you replied "What were those explosion sounds?!"...

He went on to explain about how the doors hitting their frame would produce the "boom" noises, but it was nothing to worry about.

[BanannaMan]

No. They would be considered users/subjects of cellfies. "Cellphies" is a made-up word...

...to which you replied "What were those explosion sounds?!"...

He went on to explain about how the doors hitting their frame would produce the "boom" noises, but it was nothing to worry about.













:rolleyes:
Would you care for some cheese to go with that whine?


Did you know women like a man with a good sense of humor?
Oh wait, you're single aren't you?

[DarrenSV650S]

:rolleyes:
Would you care for some cheese to go with that whine?


Did you know women like a man with a good sense of humor?
Oh wait, you're single aren't you?

No I used the cellfies gag and all the girls knickers just fell off :smt044


btw it was rhum not whine

[BanannaMan]

No I used the cellfies gag and all the girls knickers just fell off :smt044






Yes,that happens to me all the time.
Feel free to use any of my jokes whenever you need to.







:---)

[BanannaMan]

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

[TimTucker]

I heard this joke the other week on Radcliffe & Maconie's BBC 6Music show and it rather amused me.

This week, I decided to try to teach my dog to play the trumpet while travelling on the London Underground.

It went surprisingly well and we managed to get from Barking to Tooting in little over an hour.

[KingDerelict]

I got chatting to this attractive French girl the other day.

“What do you do for a living?” I asked.

She replied, “I am, how you say, a specialist in etiquette.”

Turned out she was a travel agent.

[KingDerelict]

A mate of mine is a landscape gardener and he's having a terrible time lately.

Last month, he had an accident with a chainsaw and chopped off the ends of both his feet.

Then last week, his wife decided she had to leave him.

Turned out she was lactose-intolerant.

[BanannaMan]

Was sitting in the shade on a hot day, sipping a cool drink while watching my girlfriend mow the lawn
when the lady next door peered over the fence and yelled "You ought to be hung!"
So I yelled back, "I am, that's why she does the mowing!"

[punyXpress]

It will be the 'fight of the century' is how the Mayweather Vs Pacquiao bout has been described.

Not quite true. The wife's just found out I'm spending a lot of time with her sister. [-o<

[punyXpress]

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch:

Wonga have announced annual losses of £37 million for 2014. Apparently they accidentally borrowed a tenner from themselves in January and forgot to pay it back.

[keith_d]

Labour - No Balls!!

Shadow chancellor loses seat in election.

[Trev B]

How would you like your hat Mr Ashdown..Fried or boiled!!!!

[BanannaMan]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CEZlMbwW8AEgOc9.jpg:large

[Bluepete]

Egyptologists have discovered a mummy that was covered in nuts and chocolate.



They believe it may be Pharaoh Roché

[Bluepete]

Don't make fun of fat people.

They have enough on their plates.

[Bluepete]

What stands in a field and goes ooooo?


A cow with no lips

[Bluepete]

What's the difference between pink and purple?

How hard you grip it!

[Bluepete]

What is Braille for "do not touch?"

[atassiedevil]

What goes Mark Mark?
A dog with a hare lip.

[Richie]

What is Braille for "do not touch?"



http://forums.sv650.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=15133&stc=1&d=1432017818

[punyXpress]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

Two versions, Old & New...

OLD Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has stored no food nor built a shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself.


Now for the MODERN Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving… The BBC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Britain is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on News Night with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'
“Occupy the Anthill” stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film a group from the Labour Party singing, "We shall overcome."
The Archbishop of Cantaloup has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper while he condemns the ant's insensitivity.
Ed Milliband (Very Old Labour) jumps on the photo opportunity and also condemns the ant, but blames David Cameron, George Osborne and Margaret Thatcher for the grasshopper's plight.

Nichola Sturgeon (Seriously Nasty Party and leader of the Scottish Assembly) says this could never happen in Scotland, and it won't happen again in England if Ed will let her make the rules... even though she's inelligible to sit in Parliament!

Nigel Farage (United Kingdom Insect Party) says this is the type of opportunity that opportunist migrant bugs will seize upon and that we should really be spraying the Channel Tunnel with bug spray.

Polly Toynbee and Vanessa Redgrave exclaim in an interview on BBC News that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant-hill mansion to make him pay his fair share.

Finally the EU intervenes and drafts the Economic Equity For Grasshopper's Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs while constructing his ant-hill and, having nothing left to pay fines and taxes, his home is confiscated and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading buddies holding a party and finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which as you recall just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the lack of maintenance.

The ant disappears into the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead from obesity and his new found chum, Kermit the Frog, can’t even be bothered to attend the funeral. The Ant-hill, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of eastern European spiders who terrorize the once prosperous neighbourhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing down the rest of the free world with it because Grasshoppers and Spiders are not entrepreneurs… they are just opportunists.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be very careful how you vote (and you can never trust a singing frog).

[Bibio]

serves the Ant right for not having an Army :rolleyes:

[DarrenSV650S]

aUMp2bFZObU

[Richie]

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? "
Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn” Miss.
"No Paddy ," says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion ".
Young Paddy replies "But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,"
Wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.

[ophic]

Isn't the next line "with his band of men?"

She was a bit morally ambiguous, that Trudy.

[DarrenSV650S]

yfUflij74P4

[Richie]

I went round my mates farm the other day, and I found Dave in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What the **** are you doing?" .
Dave stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor."

[BanannaMan]

http://i1055.photobucket.com/albums/s507/thebanannaman/howIlook_zpswx825myb.jpg

[punyXpress]

You and me both, Bill, except my 'ring of fire' isn't the front wheel & brake after the first 400 miles! :(
Hope you're still making progress.

[PyroUK]

you and me both, bill, except my 'ring of fire' isn't the front wheel & brake after the first 400 miles! :(



flol

[Grant66]

I farted in front of my Jewish boss today. She didn't look impressed.

Since when has a little gas killed anyone.

[DarrenSV650S]

AAAAA CHHHOOOOO!!!

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/CFbf-GgUEAAKO5-_zpssg71ivav.jpg
http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/agvzGj6_700b_zpsxn4s2r27.jpg

[L3nny]

http://www.gbfans.com/images/fans/art/13033_1178015637.jpg

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/EB9DEB0E-D058-41BF-82E8-2E05D650454B_zpsskf4emvr.jpg

[L3nny]

The wife asked me if I am ever going to stop singing Wonderwall
I said Maybe.............

The wife said she'd leave me if I don't stop singing Monkees songs, I thought she was winding me up at first. And then I saw her face...........

I went to the doctor about not being able to stop singing Tom Jones songs. I asked him if it was a common ailment.
He said, It's not unusual.....................

[punyXpress]

Trying to identify a moth, I see a certain progression here:

‪mother of the bride dresses‬
‪motherhood maternity‬
‪mother goose club‬

. . one wonders what next?

[BanannaMan]

Energizer Bunny Arrested:
Charged With Battery


No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery


Whoever invented 'knock-knock' jokes
should get a no-bell prize.


The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice jester.

[Trev B]

Wife said she would like to go to the Jeremy Kyle show for her birthday in December,so I sh#€€ed her sister last night and we're on next Tuesday,which is nice!!!

[DarrenSV650S]

XgtopghkBZc

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/tumblr_nv6spcJI7S1qep5zro1_500_zps1l8x6fza.jpg

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/5a9f71b122612907801489a7070b2627_zpsj3savdos.jpg

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/00087e55c101c81a5a34f5cac9ee12b9_zps0acked8j.jpg

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/image_zpsbausbcmj.jpg

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/sSoeYkX_zpsahmdyfjk.jpg

[Trev B]

Had a call the other day from the Emissions department and asked if I'd been miss sold TDI!!!

[punyXpress]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland ... I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command..'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Hollande sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[Specialone]

I was in a hotel in Syria yesterday, sitting by an open window, when this bug flew in and flew right by my ear then exploded, i said to my mate, "wtf was that?", he said, "Its one of those jihadi long legs!".


I'll get my coat...

Posted on the other thread too.

[Matt-EUC]

Posted on the other thread too.


http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/22/36f0917cd7bc8dc4487e931b84416f12.jpg


Sent via the medium of interpretative dance.

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/WD40_zpsb0syhzcq.jpg

[DarrenSV650S]

A black woman called Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

[DarrenSV650S]

inspirational poster: “it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside…”
me: whew!!! good

inspirational poster: “…it’s who you are on the inside!”
me: ah f**k

[punyXpress]

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said,
‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it..’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead donkey’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia.

[Trev B]

I like that one,lateral thinking!!!

[SIII]

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!':smt082:smt082:smt082

[Richie]

Year 11 biology teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to tell my parents, who will complain to the principal, and then you'll be sacked!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

[keith_d]

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the risks of using of open sleighs. The assessment must consider whether an open sleigh is an appropriate and safe means of transport, and whether a single horse will provide sufficient redundancy. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before any fields may be entered. To avoid offending other faiths not participating in Christmas, we must ensure that laughter is moderate and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Shepherds planning to watch their flocks by night must ensure that appropriate high visibility clothing is worn and avoid the risk of hypothermia. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds who will need them. Please be aware of the EU Working Time Regulations and ensure that any night time watching does not exceed the permitted working hours.

Those shepherds working near the the Angel of the Lord are reminded that they must wear eye protection to BS EN166, and suitable clothing avoid potential UVA and UVB exposure to the skin.

The Angel of the Lord must also ensure that proper screens meeting BS EN1598 are in place before shining his Glory all around. Any further failure to do so will result in disciplinary proceedings.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Employee R. Further to this, exclusion of Employee R. from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

The Three Kings who are reminded that their driving hours must comply with EC Directive 3820/85 and appropriate breaks must be taken. Records must also be kept of driving hours and break times to comply with regulations. They are reminded take care when entering the Bethlehem area to avoid creating undue disturbance during the hours of darkness.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and may be taxable. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of Child J. found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed. Social Services have been engaged and will be arriving shortly to take Child J. into care for the Christmas period.


Merry Christmas Everyone

[punyXpress]

History Lesson:


PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES.THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.