The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[TSM]

Welcome the Comedy Club, the only place of SV650.org to post your own, your very own comedy stylings.

Usual rules apply. Keep it clean and play nice and enjoy the fun.

Please post your jokes and amusing videos here. Jokes posted anywhere else will be removed.

The thread will be purged regularly in a similar way to the mega thread.

Thanks Mods and Admins.

*Please note we are unable to provide any guarantee that posted material in this thread, will actually be funny

[andrewsmith]

okay who's going to get a warning???

[DJFridge]

What does Jeremy Clarkson call 100 Unison officials at the bottom of the sea?

A good start

[andrewsmith]

Haha

Who's fastest person in Reverse?
Jeremy Clarkson

[Stingo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWatq8DEDqw



This is very naughty and I do not condone this kind of behaviour.[-X

[keith_d]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWatq8DEDqw



This is very naughty and I do not condone this kind of behaviour.[-X

Yeah, it's completely wrong. An SA80 sounds nothing like that.

[Paul the 6th]

What do you call a bear with no parents?

Rupert the *******.

[The Idle Biker]

Please nobody tell me this is a fake, Farmers eh one too many ciders and a side bet later.

EBWfBqRDbrM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EBWfBqRDbrM

[Paul the 6th]

what the f?

[andrewsmith]

Stupid f***ing ****

[Paul the 6th]

what do chinese builders and south african farmers have in common.

Blicks.

N.B. this is simply international word play and not intended as a racist joke in any way..

[Mr Speirs]

What do women and dog poo have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

[punyXpress]

Not sure if this should be in Comedy or the Sinking of the Euro thread:

A small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Italy. The mayor of the Italian town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Italian town. He was simply amazed at the Italian mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Italian mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied: "No."

[punyXpress]

At last!
A wind turbine producing some heat:

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/57214000/jpg/_57214157_wind_turbine_billy_muir.jpg
http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/57212000/jpg/_57212369_fireturbine304.jpg

[Bluefish]

Not sure if this should be in Comedy or the Sinking of the Euro thread:

A small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Italy. The mayor of the Italian town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Italian town. He was simply amazed at the Italian mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors; it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Italian mayor said: "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied: "No."
Lol nice one Puny

[Paul the 6th]

Went on a date with a blind girl last night. It was brilliant, she paid for everything, including my trip to the states.

She'll be livid when she finds out.

[Paul the 6th]

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

[Dave20046]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YKZxBDO5VR4

[andrewsmith]

:lol:

Good one Dave

http://youtu.be/IfeyUGZt8nk

[Bluepete]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YKZxBDO5VR4

Just brilliant!

Pete ;)

[Bluefish]

Just brilliant!

Pete ;)
sure is, wonder what you were looking for when you found that dave eh? ;)

[Dave20046]

Gordon ramsay's butt crack , duh!

[punyXpress]

Guido The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed, this time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again in a loud voice, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

[Geese]

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on Curry powder?


He was in a Korma for two weeks!

[Paul the 6th]

What about the guy who overdosed on chilli powder..

Frostbite.

[punyXpress]

The true meaning of Christmas:
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick stood up and said: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office.We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing:
“What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.
Then we all go to the Bahamas.

[The Idle Biker]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YKZxBDO5VR4

Ow crap, that is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. I was getting fed up at the start but it just got better and better. Great work that man!

[Paul the 6th]

No one does movies like Sky Movies.

Apart from The Pirate Bay.

[wyrdness]

I'm so sick of Christians appropriating pagan festivals and deities. Just found out Cliff Richard was originally the pagan god of war.

[Viney]

Posted on behalf of Quedos (Shes been blocked at work)


David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night, he found one such lady in a pub. He said "I'm Prime Minister of Great Britain how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" Her reply? "well prime minister if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my thong as low as my wages. your **** as hard as the times I'm living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me tha way you have screwed the pensioners then it won't cost u a fricking penny."

:o

[Reeder]

Why would a prostitute pay tax?

[Biker Biggles]

Why would a prostitute pay tax?

Would it be to pay for a General Erection?;)

[_Stretchie_]

Badoom tish

; )

[Dave20046]

Why would a prostitute pay tax?

Vat?
Possibly council tax

[Paul the 6th]

Where do evil shapes go? Prism

[keith_d]

I'm hoping Bob doesn't have a small moustache and megalomania...

http://vimeo.com/25845008

Be sure to watch the the credits.

[Amplimator]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
... The guy is amused and decides to humour her
a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"
and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad
Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[Paul the 6th]

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said "You don't take our relationship seriously, it's over".

"Can you finish your sentence, over" I replied into my cup and string.

[punyXpress]

The Harley Mechanic & the Heart Surgeon:
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?’ The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?’
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic… ‘Try doing it with the engine running’.

[Mikey10]

^ weirdly true

[hindle8907]

Life is like a penis, simple, soft, straight, and relaxed.
Then women make it hard

[The Idle Biker]

I remember my most peaceful Christmas, the year my Mum mistakingly covered the Christmas cake in Temazepam

[metalangel]

Topical!

Subtitle (Dutch) is "You're a shame to your mother and the country."

lztsyktTJlo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lztsyktTJlo

[HoL]

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'


'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f...ing blanket.'


The End

[metalangel]

LOL!

I prefer the more realistic version where the woman is cold.

[Bluepete]

Kim Jong Il is dead.

That's the end of his Korea...

[Bluepete]

Just home from the world blindfold masturbation championships.

No idea where I came.

[Paul the 6th]

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.

I can't do them, but my headphones sure ****ing can.

[kellyjo]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum, but made me smile...

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those censored ladies.
They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of censored.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg
nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanatorium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,
Law Offices

[kellyjo]

And another...

FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th DECEMBER
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris , Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th December
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £5 is too much money and Management believe £5 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patricia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Patricia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Patricia Harris, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***** G Employees
DATE: 8 December
RE: The F******G Holiday Party.

Vegetarian p***ks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday - drink, drive, and die!

The censored from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 12th December
RE: Patricia Harris and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patricia a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[Bri w]

Last night on the way home from the pub I was stopped by the Police.

Policeman: "Excuse me sir but you were doing 90mph."
Says I, "That's impossible, I've only been in the car 10 mins."
Policeman, "can I have your name."
Says I, "so what do I use if you've got it?"
Policeman, "where were you between 5 and 11?"
Says I, "junior school."

Texted from the holding cells at Middlesbrough Police Station...

[punyXpress]

puny's confused:
But no more than usual!
Dementia - short and sweet...


http://uk.f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f891423%5fAA%2bwktkAAKQvTvOsLw7tkH s0UwY&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Happy Christmas oneand all :smt111

[Specialone]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife aged 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

[metalangel]

Phoned the Lib Dem press office asking to buy a copy of their pre-election manifesto.

"Sorry, we've sold out."
"Yes I know that, but have you got any copies left?"

[Bluefish]

Adele song parody, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLYFhrl27hU

[The Idle Biker]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"













The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[wyrdness]

The new movie 'Iron Lady', about the life of Mrs Thatcher, has been classified PG. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.

[Paul the 6th]

If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got?

No chance of stopping an upper cut.

[Dave20046]

if you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand ....what have you got?






...
.
Kermit the frog's full attention

[andrewsmith]

if you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand ....what have you got?






...
.
Kermit the frog's full attention

and Miss Piggy trying to attack you!!!

[metalangel]

The three wise men arrive at the stable. As they go in, the tallest one bangs his head on the beams.

"Jesus Christ!," he yells.

"Quick, write that down Mary," shouts Joseph, "it's a lot better than 'Kevin'".

[Jayneflakes]

The new movie 'Iron Lady', about the life of Mrs Thatcher, has been classified PG. Apparently it's unsuitable for miners.

I am stealing that one! :smt077

[The Idle Biker]

Talking of the Iron Lady, when she pops her clogs, do you think the proposed State Funeral should be privatised?

[DJFridge]

Talking of the Iron Lady, when she pops her clogs, do you think the proposed State Funeral should be privatised?

Quick, tell Sid!

[The Idle Biker]

Quick, tell Sid!

ssshhh no way, I can see a 2,000 word essay on the evils of anything slightly left of Ronald Regan coming our way.:smt091

[grh1904]

Let's Play BLOCKBUSTERS...................................













What "D" is Bob Holness????

[Dave20046]

decomposing?

[wyrdness]

Bob Holness bumps into Amy Winehouse in the afterlife, and the first thing she says to him is "Can I have an E please Bob?"

[BanannaMan]

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[tinpants]

A Royal Engineer moved to London after his discharge and went to Harrod's looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home before I joined the Corps.'

The manager liked the Sapper so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,

'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Sapper said, 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one?

Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day

'How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p..'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!

What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook

and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at

the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the

boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

"Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing".

[Jabba]

Saw a packet of Anthony Worral Thompson branded sausages in a shop. The packaging said "Pr1ck with a fork". Harsh, but fair...

[mister c]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was tucked under Anthony Worral Thompson's jacket

[Paul the 6th]

Thought I saw a loaf of bread with anthony warral thompson's name on it yesterday in tesco..

Then I realised it actually said 'Thick Cut'.

[mister c]

Stolen off Facebook.

"Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?"

'Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over'

[Reeder]

Stolen off Facebook.

"Welcome to Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. So Anthony, you had £5 to spend...what's in your bag?"

'Organic chicken, langoustines, rice, stock, wine, scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goats-cheese and 3 bottles of Cava and a bottle of Blue Nun and I have £2.74 left over'

Like.

[The Idle Biker]

All- this is so good.

Anthony Worral Thompson - The Lambshank Redemption :lol::lol::lol::lol:

G2e0f351FAAAAAAAAaAA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSJXTe0dl3Y&feature=g-all-u&context=G2e0f351FAAAAAAAAaAA

[wyrdness]

All- this is so good.

Anthony Worral Thompson - The Lambshank Redemption :lol::lol::lol::lol:

G2e0f351FAAAAAAAAaAA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSJXTe0dl3Y&feature=g-all-u&context=G2e0f351FAAAAAAAAaAA

You just beat me to that one.

[andrewsmith]

hahahaha

breathe

Haahhahahahaha

[DarrenSV650S]

mmmmmmm nigella

[DJ123]

mmmmmmm nigella
:p

[SoulKiss]

mmmmmmm nigella

Wonder if she's as big a tart as her dad was.

He managed to F**K the whole country back in the 80's with the Poll Tax...

[punyXpress]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you??

[Icanopit]

10 years ago Bob Hope died
5 years ago Johnny Cash died
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It
Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!
Happy New Year !!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bluepete]

A girl asked her Mum why she was called Rose. Mum said because a rose fell on you when you were born.

The second daughter asked why she was called Daisy. Mum said because a daisy fell on you when you were born.

The third daughter asked Dhdyvtendisneytegebssbbbbllll.

Mum said "shut up refrigerator"

Pete ;)

[The Idle Biker]

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !

[andrewsmith]

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off !

:smt043:smt043

[Reeder]

Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

[aaron020873]

A man phones an airfix model shop and asks "do you have a model of an italian cruise liner " the shop owner replies " yes we have just one left" the man says "can you put it on one side for me "

[punyXpress]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage..'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?

I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said

'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..


Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'


You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)................


The little girl said,

'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[-Ralph-]

Two Glaswegians have been found clinging to tables just above the water line in the bar of the Costa Concordia.

They told rescuers to feck off and find somebody else, because they were on an all inclusive package.

[punyXpress]

The Meaning of Life:

One day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

[tactcom7]

Got an email from the gf last night, 'myspacebarhasstoppedworkingcanyoucomehomeandgivem eanalternative?'

'sure', I replied. So i was driving home when I couldn't help wondering 'What the hell is a ternative??'

[punyXpress]

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." She was right; our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building.
We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right.

We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts, wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house, not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of London. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza parlour.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person. Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off!

[punyXpress]

The Wine Taster
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular wine taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Naval Aviator, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old Salt tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That's correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”
“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”
He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Aviator tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

[Specialone]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"









About 90 students raise their hands.








"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"








About 40 students raise their hands.








"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"








About 15 students raise their hand.








"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"








Three students raise their hands.








"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"








Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.








The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."








The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"








Hamad replied, "Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[The Idle Biker]

:p:p:p:p ^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah

[Bluefish]

:p:p:p:p ^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah
+1 proper made me laugh that one

[andrewsmith]

:p:p:p:p ^^^^^^ a hahh ahahahha ahahhahahah

+2

Must have Welsh and Scottish relatives

[punyXpress]

Nah - that's the Vehicle Mechanics lecture on JEEPS! ;)

[wyrdness]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed a store of his blood type in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and wads of US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"