The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[SoulKiss]

That's the fault, that it's an Iphone.

+1 Brother :)

(Did you all miss me, all it needed was a post about an iProduct to bring be back, its a bit like saying "Beetlehjuice" 3 times :p

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

+1 Brother :)

(Did you all miss me, all it needed was a post about an iProduct to bring be back, its a bit like saying "Beetlehjuice" 3 times :p

And have being the 1000th post

[SoulKiss]

And have being the 1000th post

Acrually the 1001st -

Which is still 5,100 behind my total number of posts :p

[davepreston]

but nowhere near the total amount of tears you shed for every fruit based product sold :)

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Acrually the 1001st -

Which is still 5,100 behind my total number of posts :p

More over the 1000th reply, as the OP doesn't technically count

[Popy Fresco]

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." *wink*

"Yes, I guess I did."

"Who are you?", she asks. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs!"

[punyXpress]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah's Witness ...."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Bu99ered if I know, I've never got this far before !"

[squirrel_hunter]

I'm currently writing a mystery novel...

Or am I?

[DJFridge]

"And so you were, to put it simply, as drunk as a judge at the time," insisted the prosecution lawyer.
"Excuse me," interrupted the judge, "I think you will find that the expression is 'drunk as a lord'."
"I stand corrected, your lordship. "

[punyXpress]

Not funny, really
Spanish Oysters
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Madrid.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Jabba]

Q: Why did the jelly bean go to school?

A: He wanted to be a smartie.

[phi-dan]

Why did the sultana cross the road?

It was his raisin d'etre

[BanannaMan]

Politicians are like guns.
You can't fire the ones that don't work.

[BanannaMan]

What's the difference between America and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

[DarrenSV650S]

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. ‘It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,"’ said Jose, age 6.

[punyXpress]

The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. ‘It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,"’ said Jose, age 6.

Mornin' Herr Schicklgrueber:
Posted by wyrdness 19 June 2010:
" The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6. "

[DarrenSV650S]

4 years ago?? I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday lol

[Bluepete]

4 years ago?? I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday lol

Thing is, he can remember what was posted four years ago, but not what he had for breakfast!

Pete ;)

[punyXpress]

What's breakfast?

[davepreston]

What's breakfast?
a large brandy and a cig of course

[punyXpress]

Who says Yorkshire folk aren't the last romantics?

Yorkshire Love Story
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending
death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both
hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...... Bugger off she said 'they're for the funeral.'

[BanannaMan]

What's the difference between terrorism and democracy?

Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.





The king of Spain has abdicated.

Another Juan bites the dust.

[DJFridge]

The king of Spain has abdicated.

Another Juan bites the dust.

Now THAT'S funny :smt041

[mikerj]

I went to a lingerie shop and decided to splash out on a sexy pair of knickers. Apparently I've now got to pay for them.

[phi-dan]

The inventor of the USB connector died last week. At the funeral it took several attempts to lower the coffin the right way round.

[L3nny]

The inventor of the USB connector died last week. At the funeral it took several attempts to lower the coffin the right way round.

Worst design ever, why not make the top curved a bit!

[DJFridge]

Worst design ever, why not make the top curved a bit!

Like a coffin

[squirrel_hunter]

Who is this Rorschach fellow?

And why does he have so many pictures of my parents arguing?

[ClunkintheUK]

What do you call a spanish fire fighter? Jose

What do you call a second spanish fire fighter? Hose B

[BanannaMan]

FIFA have denied that the world cup is fixed and that Brazil deserved their hard fought semi final victory against Germany next Tuesday.

[DJFridge]

FIFA have denied that the world cup is fixed and that Brazil deserved their hard fought semi final victory against Germany next Tuesday.

But this is true, what's it doing on the Comedy page?

[Biker Biggles]

The showing of the repeat episode of Animal Hospital where Rolf Harris shows us how to handle a beaver has been postponed indefinitely.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

The showing of the repeat episode of Animal Hospital where Rolf Harris shows us how to handle a beaver has been postponed indefinitely.

Surely he's the kind of guy who wasn't into hair...

[PyroUK]

Police are re opening the investigation in to Rolf Harris after allegations that he also groped Vanessa Felts.

They fear other claims may have been exaggerated as well

[Jabba]

I haven't seen Brazilians this bad since "one-armed Enriqué" took over the local waxing salon.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

I haven't seen Brazilians this bad since "one-armed Enriqué" took over the local waxing salon.

You happen to follow Dai Lama?

[Jabba]

Ydw ;)

[L3nny]

Last night was the most embarrassing semi since I watched broke back mountain

[BanannaMan]

BBC News : "Tour de France champion out after crashing twice" - just proves the point there is no Froome for error .

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/F55C5A07-4DB6-4495-B885-9E6B382BF0DB_zps6lyoayfz.jpg

[DJFridge]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/F55C5A07-4DB6-4495-B885-9E6B382BF0DB_zps6lyoayfz.jpg

Now THAT made me giggle!

[Biker Biggles]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/F55C5A07-4DB6-4495-B885-9E6B382BF0DB_zps6lyoayfz.jpg

And is Murray about to serve a grapefruit?

[punyXpress]

Not funny, BUT . .
All those Nazi War Criminals who absconded to Argentina don't know who to back in World Cup

[DJFridge]

Also not funny, I was watching a 3d printer yesterday in the early stages of producing something and had to resist the temptation to say, in an Australian accent, "Can you tell what it is yet?"

[BanannaMan]

Being an American I decided to learn a foreign language and I've chosen english.
However, it's been two weeks now and so far I'm only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't Y yet.

[punyXpress]

This would be funny if it wasn't so true:

" British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

*"Who did I miss out?"* "

[punyXpress]

Google: " Medieval helpdesk with English subtitles "

[BanannaMan]

I cracked two jokes in the pub last night about Malaysian Airways.
The first got no response and the second crashed & burned.

[CharleyFarley]

.......the barman says 'I'm sorry we dont serve time travellers here'!!!

















A time traveller walks onto a bar, and.......


"Gas it w###a".........

[DarrenSV650S]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=70b_1407413133

[SV_archie99]

Breaking News.................

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's instead,
as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.

[PyroUK]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=70b_1407413133


That guy has far too much time on his hands

[LewSpeight]

Robin Williams found dead at his home...

Police suspect Arsen but I Doubtfire..

[goodgumbo]

Robin Williams found dead at his home...

Police suspect Arsen but I Doubtfire..

Too soon. Too soon. :(

[littleoldman2]

Always thought Cliff was a Shadowy character

[Shawthing]

Patient:"How long have I got, Doctor?".
Doctor:"Ten.".
Patient:"Ten what?".
Doctor:"Nine.".

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/4257CE2C-6154-4889-A193-6BE38124886F_zps3wj8dfmm.jpg

[DarrenSV650S]

R-eGDyaOYpE

[Sebulba]

Wnsdc7cTPuU

[BanannaMan]

The latest polls show 1/2 of England supports Scotland voting yes on the referendum.....
Just so they can say "No, that is not legal tender!" to any visiting Scots.

[DarrenSV650S]

They already say that

[punyXpress]

. . and the same for the mighty $ ? ;)

[BanannaMan]

Nothing mighty about the US dollar anymore.
Unless you are an American that's never left the country and just don't know any better. :rolleyes:

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/youre-next-book_zps5fc1731c.jpg

[allantheboss]

Women are like steaks. They always look nice but if they're not done right, you'll suffer in the morning.

[SoulKiss]

iPhone6

http://www.chaoscrypt.com/pics/iPhone6.jpg
:)

[SoulKiss]

No posts in over a week, did I kill the thread?

Or does it make me the winner, whats my prize?

[keith_d]

Ok, time to lower the tone for those you old enough to remember Gompie...

"...Alice. Alice? Where the f**k is Alice?"

[squirrel_hunter]

In light of recent events I'll recycle an old favourite:

What's the difference between an onion and a set of bagpipes?

No one cry's when you cut up the bagpipes.

[goodgumbo]

Why do woman love jesus? Because he is hung like this (arms spread wide)

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/37728AEE-64F6-4483-BE28-BB7D79C8081B_zpsgafyfatg.jpg

[phi-dan]

I thought that if i took the shell off a snail it would make it go faster. It didn't work, it just made it more sluggish

[daveyrach]

14392

[daveyrach]

Careful putting your MacBook in your pocket....
14393

[BanannaMan]

I failed my history test today.
Apparently, "three centuries of inbreeding" is not the correct answer to "how did the American people evolve?"



I can honestly say I've shagged tonnes of women.
Of course they were both Americans.





Three Americans walk into a bar...

Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.

[Matt-EUC]

Three Americans walk into a bar...

Okay, scratch that. Two Americans walk into a bar. The third is too obese to even get through the doorway. He successfully sues the architect and the bartender for 20 million dollars for hurt feelings, then spends his winnings in McDonald's. He later sues McDonald's for selling an obese man cheeseburgers.


Didn't this actually happen?? I seem to remember reading about it.

[BanannaMan]

Wikipedia's first option under languages is 'Simple English'.
Why don't they just say American?

[littleoldman2]

Think I'll have ebola soup

[Matt-EUC]

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/ba_dum_tss_pirates_band_of_misfits.gif

[punyXpress]

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as
the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a
Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its
jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped
out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist
from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the
man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now -

'English ******* Strangles Family Pet'..

[BanannaMan]

ROFL :smt005
Well done Puny!
That's the best one I've heard in a while.

[Heorot]

The sad thing is, it's not a joke. If, as an Englishman, you have lived and worked in Scotland, as I have, you would know that there's more than a little truth in that last bit.

[squirrel_hunter]

I bought my Girlfriend a fridge for her birthday.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it...

[BanannaMan]

I started a support group for ebola patients but it was short lived.

[DarrenSV650S]

I started a support group for ebola patients but it was short lived.

I'm not surprised considering only 2 people have contracted it

[BanannaMan]

I'm not surprised considering only 2 people have contracted it





Wow, you should watch the world news more.

See, we're not the only one's who think the US is the only country in the world. :p ;)

[DarrenSV650S]

Wow, you should watch the world news more.

See, we're not the only one's who think the US is the only country in the world. :p ;)

wait what?? I was only talking about the US. What else were you considering when I said that 2 people have contracted ebola? Venus ... ? Neptune ... ?

I don't understand

[Matt-EUC]

Africa maybe? Spain?

[BanannaMan]

I'm working on a ebola video for youtube now.
It's almost certain to go viral.

[DarrenSV650S]

Matt... please...

[punyXpress]

The Organist

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said
...
Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[Heorot]

How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

[BanannaMan]

I'm proud to say I managed to achieve straight As at school.
Problem was the Bs were crooked and the Cs were illegible

[carelesschucca]

Not really a joke but the whole of the work has just received this email and being an office in Glasgow its caused a little amusement;

subject: Missing Beer Goggles from the Health Fair Day

Unfortunately we are missing an expensive pair of beer goggles and I wondered if someone could have found them at a stall or have any ideas where they could be? They are required Urgently by the Healthy Working Lives Team.

Many thanks

Question is what are the Healthy Working Lives Team planning for the weekend.

[punyXpress]

Tell us on Monday, Dean? ;)

[Matt-EUC]

Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool?
shiiiiit n***a I got all the flyest muhf*ckin wool, whatchu want?

[Matt-EUC]

Oscar Pistorius woke up this morning and found that there really was a burglar using his toilet.

[Matt-EUC]

http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/14/11/18/2b31cf1a22500fe871cbb71e9b109bf4.jpg

[BanannaMan]

Americans are like last years Christmas lights.
Half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

[punyXpress]

Not a joke, really, but here goes:


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger,
though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.........

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!