The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips ?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said,
'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.
Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player. That's terrific !' said the
hot shot. Got any more tips for me ?'

Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster
where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the younger man.
You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

Wow !' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.
Got any more tips ?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there ? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared
some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

Will that make me a better gunfighter ?' asked the young man.

No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[punyXpress]

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

[punyXpress]

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity any more.

O have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go to, and try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another, I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

[Trev B]

I like that,nice one!!!

[KingDerelict]

Having lived in the little village of Abject Poverty for some time, since moving from Chaos, I haven't done a lot of travelling. In my younger days I always dreamed that by now I would be living in Opulence, but there doesn't seem much hope now.

I've considered moving - I toyed with the idea of living in Hiding, but there were too many strange people there.

A friend of mine told me he had enjoyed living in Sin, but it's getting a bit outdated now.

Another friend moved to Squalor, but didn't enjoy it much.

Another old friend moved to Obscurity, but I haven't seen him since.

I'm sure a work colleague has a house in Denial - although he swears he hasn't.

Still, I'm planning to retire to the place that my friends tell me I belong - not sure where it is but I'm told it's called something like Clowedcookooland...

[littleoldman2]

Oh good a new neighbour:D

[punyXpress]

This time with a picture:

[BanannaMan]

Michael McIntyre on American English.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wSw3IWRJa0

[punyXpress]

New Country Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and
see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once
did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the
church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

[BanannaMan]

He'd get my vote.



http://i1055.photobucket.com/albums/s507/thebanannaman/JC_zps209rr4ne.jpg

[punyXpress]

He'll need a much bigger ceeegar than that ! ;)

[andrewsmith]

Better choice than Trump.

Most Google'd thing on Super Tuesday: how to move to Canada

Sent from my E2303 using Tapatalk

[punyXpress]

Not funny really, but . .

NHS / Medicare


A 79 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes…… I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks
tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much.'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

' No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f....all in here.’

[DarrenSV650S]

Hf-cHNC6hRU

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/gNP3zYR_zpsjviyl5nn.jpg


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http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/TBwoSQz_zps5qjhefnk.jpg

[lilacampos428]

some really good banter going on here.. here (http://www.caclubindia.com/forum/keep-smiling-jokes-for-refreshing--146398.asp) you go

[punyXpress]

One for Bill:

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places get filled up.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,

Alice

[BanannaMan]

One for Bill:

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Your loving daughter,
Alice







I used to date a girl name Alice.
And she lived on a farm. (really)
I always wondered what became of her.


I'm just trying to figure out how you know...

[punyXpress]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[punyXpress]

Bad Day:

Bad day

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just got out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot.
He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall.
On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out on there and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.
"I don't know about that" replies the man. "But picture this, I'm stark naked, hiding in this antique cedar chest.......

[KingDerelict]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

to watch Wales play in the quarter-finals.


(alternatively, given the week's other big story...)


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Englishman didn't like it and wanted to leave, so the others had to leave with him.

[KingDerelict]

In order to bring some sense back to the Brexit debate, I thought I’d take a look at what the UK was like in 1972, the last year that the UK was outside the European Union (or EEC as it was then), and compare it with the UK in 2016, (before the Brexit vote), to see what 42 years in the EU had done for us.

1972: Spurs beat Wolves to win the UEFA Cup.
2016: Liverpool lose the final of the Europa League to Sevilla.

1972: Rangers win the UEFA Cup Winner’s Cup.
2016: Rangers lose the Scottish FA Cup to Hibs, whilst recovering from bankruptcy.

1972: British miners go on strike.
2016: British miners are almost extinct.

1972: The pound is allowed to float and is worth USD2.65.
2016: Before the Brexit vote, the pound was worth USD 1.48.

1972: UK unemployment hits 1 million for the first time.
2016: UK unemployment hits a ten-year low of 1.67 million.

1972: British car production peaks at 1.9 million vehicles.
2016: British car production is limited to a man called Brian in his shed.

1972: Deep Purple release “Machine Head”, the Rolling Stones release “Exile on Main Street”, David Bowie releases “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars”.
2016: Coldplay release “A Head Full of Dreams” (no, me neither).

1972: Daytime TV is still subjected to restrictions.
2016: Daytime TV should be subject to restrictions.

1972: Iceland defeats the UK in the Cod War by cutting nets.
2016: Iceland defeats England by hitting nets.

[carelesschucca]

It's the EU referendum aftermath explained?

So, let me get this straight… the leader of the opposition campaigned to stay but secretly wanted to leave, so his party held a non-binding vote to shame him into resigning so someone else could lead the campaign to ignore the result of the non-binding referendum which many people now think was just angry people trying to shame politicians into seeing they’d all done nothing to help them.

Meanwhile, the man who campaigned to leave because he hoped losing would help him win the leadership of his party, accidentally won and ruined any chance of leading because the man who thought he couldn’t lose, did – but resigned before actually doing the thing the vote had been about. The man who’d always thought he’d lead next, campaigned so badly that everyone thought he was lying when he said the economy would crash – and he was, but it did, but he’s not resigned, but, like the man who lost and the man who won, also now can’t become leader. Which means the woman who quietly campaigned to stay but always said she wanted to leave is likely to become leader instead.

Which means she holds the same view as the leader of the opposition but for opposite reasons, but her party’s view of this view is the opposite of the opposition’s. And the opposition aren’t yet opposing anything because the leader isn’t listening to his party, who aren’t listening to the country, who aren’t listening to experts or possibly paying that much attention at all. However, none of their opponents actually want to be the one to do the thing that the vote was about, so there’s not yet anything actually on the table to oppose anyway. And if no one ever does do the thing that most people asked them to do, it will be undemocratic and if any one ever does do it, it will be awful.

Clear?

[Swin]

It's the EU referendum aftermath explained?

So, let me get this straight… the leader of the opposition campaigned to stay but secretly wanted to leave, so his party held a non-binding vote to shame him into resigning so someone else could lead the campaign to ignore the result of the non-binding referendum which many people now think was just angry people trying to shame politicians into seeing they’d all done nothing to help them.

Meanwhile, the man who campaigned to leave because he hoped losing would help him win the leadership of his party, accidentally won and ruined any chance of leading because the man who thought he couldn’t lose, did – but resigned before actually doing the thing the vote had been about. The man who’d always thought he’d lead next, campaigned so badly that everyone thought he was lying when he said the economy would crash – and he was, but it did, but he’s not resigned, but, like the man who lost and the man who won, also now can’t become leader. Which means the woman who quietly campaigned to stay but always said she wanted to leave is likely to become leader instead.

Which means she holds the same view as the leader of the opposition but for opposite reasons, but her party’s view of this view is the opposite of the opposition’s. And the opposition aren’t yet opposing anything because the leader isn’t listening to his party, who aren’t listening to the country, who aren’t listening to experts or possibly paying that much attention at all. However, none of their opponents actually want to be the one to do the thing that the vote was about, so there’s not yet anything actually on the table to oppose anyway. And if no one ever does do the thing that most people asked them to do, it will be undemocratic and if any one ever does do it, it will be awful.

Clear?

My brane just melted... :)

[PyroUK]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union despite our departure rather than switching to German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[punyXpress]

So we can all ditch our spell checkers ( except the Americans )

[punyXpress]

Subject: FW: Pepsi's new product announcement....

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff
drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[punyXpress]

Two Crocodiles

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Adelaide River.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the car park in Darwin.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an ******** with a briefcase.

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/DF2CCB87-69AD-40CE-BA44-EAC67737ADFA_zpsy37tygqq.jpg



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http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/C0E347E2-8265-41DB-A3F9-CDA029A0A5FA_zpsplporbv5.jpg

[punyXpress]

Just found out that I passed my employer's drugs test.

My dealer now has some explaining to do.

[Benjins]

I used to travel a lot and had a favourite rucksack that I'd take everywhere with me. Weird thing was, wherever I went, a plague would break out shortly after.

Turned out it was a carrier bag.

[punyXpress]

Were you playing Scrabble?

I just ate all the letters from my scrabble set.

I fear my next bowel movement may spell disaster.

[punyXpress]

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promise!

[punyXpress]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[DJFridge]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

That's your best for a while, properly made me & Mrs giggle!

[BanannaMan]

Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.








Please just tell me this part is true!

[punyXpress]

I think there's a strong hint it's YOU, Bill.
Now go & kick ass ! :D

[punyXpress]

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...'

[Heorot]

Joke corrected:

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, 'I want to be the next elected US President, and I am the smartest candidate in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest candidate took my schoolbag...'

[DarrenSV650S]

BTA4Nj5iJnA

[punyXpress]

Time for an Eye Test ?

[DarrenSV650S]

U9t-slLl30E

[punyXpress]

Since it's nearly Christmas:

Golden Syrup....... Brilliant !!!!

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Christmas fancy dress party..
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:




Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:




Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ****
and go as a toffee apple.

[SV650rules]

What will Christmas dinner be like after we leave EU

no Brussels

No Turkey either

AH well. I like Chicken more than Turkey anyway

[SV650rules]

At last I have found out what PPI is

It's a medical condition you get if you don't wear your goggles in the local swimming pool.

[Blapper]

Cracking!

[punyXpress]

Not remotely funny, but it's the way the world works:

SO I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.".......HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.".......HE SAID, "OK"

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,"..... BILL GATES SAID, "NO WAY"

I TOLD BILL, "MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF WORLD BANK."......BILL GATES SAID, "OK"

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O.......HE SAID, "LIKE HELL I WILL"

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW".......HE SAID, "IN THAT CASE, OK"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS......IS EXACTLY HOW OUR POLITICAL SYSTEMS WORKS!

(All the rest is just smoke & mirrors)

[punyXpress]

Easter's Coming!

My best friend's parents couldn't afford chocolate Easter eggs when we were kids, so they used to hide bits of ham instead.

I remember the pork hunts very fondly

[Trev B]

Not mine but a good one.....guy walking down the high street sees a youngish guy sat in a doorway with a dog,and as he approached him the guy with the dog says "any change",no says the guy,I've still got the BMW and the apartment in Spain,guy with dog says " you don't know what it's like to be poor ",oh I do says the other guy," that's why I got up off my backside and got a job" !!!

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/ec2467ee3ad34841a8d033ba0d18035b_zps5mdxnqc4.jpg

[L3nny]

Saw on Phrasebook

http://i.imgur.com/s2m43Ki.jpg

[Sebulba]

http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv

If the image does not appear, go here: http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv

[ophic]

http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv

If the image does not appear, go here: http://i.imgur.com/IBpK0rq.gifv
Had to click the link. But that made my day :D:smt046:smt043

[andrewsmith]

That's made my day

Sent from my MotoG3 using Tapatalk

[punyXpress]

Sunset of the Empire

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve
the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this
office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined
the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind
all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell
him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."

[punyXpress]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her **** to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an **** inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

[SV650rules]

Priceless, bit of a backfire incident

[SV650rules]

My mate was following a Holland & Barrett van on his motorbike the other day when the back door lock failed and boxes of Vitamins and food supplements fell out, a large carton of Omega 3 capsules came his way and caused him to fall off his bike, he is OK though, was taken to hospital but was released a couple of hours later when his super-fish-oil injuries had been cleaned and dressed (with Tartare sauce and Lemon LOL).

[Blapper]

:smt038

[punyXpress]

Other Nationalities are available:
Married to an Aussie girl


Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days,
but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[BanannaMan]

Enjoying music is like eating candy.
The first you need to do is throw away the rapper.

[BanannaMan]

Before the US Presidential Election last November I fully expected the next 'Leader of the Free World' to be a woman...
And I was right!!!!


http://canadafreepress.com/images/uploads/wolfe011917l.jpg

[SV650rules]

This cracked me up -

Originally written by John Cleese

Europe reaction to latest terror threats

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to
"A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "P!ssed Off" to "Let's Get the
B4stards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll
be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far,
no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

https://da.virginmedia.com/virginmedia/vmmsu/s?name=vm.account.email.home.page&vm_vs_pl=we&vm_vs_sn=vm&vm_vs_ct=ge&vm_vs_sc=email&ns__t=1496916803874&ns_c=UTF-8&ns_ti=&ns_jspageurl=https%3A%2F%2Fmail2.virginmedia.com%2 Fappsuite%2F%23%21&ns_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fidentity.virginmedia.com %2Fvm_sso%2Fidp%2FrequestAssertion.action%3FSAMLRe quest%3DfZJRT9swFIXf%252BRWW35M4WQmd1QR1Qwgkyqo28M DLdLFNMYrt4utEwK%252Bfk6wb06Q%252BWbbPuT73fl6cv5mW 9MqjdraiecooUVY4qe2uonfNZTKn5%252FXJAsG0e77swrPdqN dOYSBLROVDtH13Fjuj%252FFb5Xgt1t7mp6HMIe%252BRZZkC3 Rdprv9PWKKkhFc5k8AJv2VAyA4GUXMRy2kIYIxycWiobdHj%25 2Fz9ybn4gu3u8zP0X5kyQFMSyUXDov1Ji2ok%252FQoqLk%252 BqKikrEzWc4fS8bKmZA5zKQAJr%252BU%252BelXdVrkUYVrQN S9%252ButD7NS1xQA2VLRg%252BVnCyoTNm5xxVvDZPI3VHihZ execcO03bafhdd5yB6iRWzAKeRB8u1zd8CJl%252FHESIb9qmn Wy%252FrFtxgJ9bNrfRnVFH%252FRu58j9iqziBCm5PxAqBkKR mUU%252BMjn%252Bzv53KFqPBPnYjB%252FGYyActw4nWiZPo5 RPLD6%252FfNwNByS0%252Fhg6Gcgtsk8Z6mn375%252BqfwE% 253D%26RelayState%3D4168f152c4c34eb496d29744ff3291 a8

[punyXpress]

POLICE WORK CAN BE ENTERTAINING AS WELL AS DANGEROUS.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... Well, there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ....

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?

"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then.....

He looked me straight in the eye and said: 'A pumpkin? **** - is it Midnight already'?"

THE COURT (AND THE MAGISTRATE) COULD NOT CONTAIN THEIR MIRTH.
THE GEELONG POST WROTE AN ARTICLE DESCRIBING THIS AS 'THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER.'

[BanannaMan]

If Johnny Cash had been born in Britain....
(Or 'the Who' had been born in Arkansas)




https://youtu.be/6bfPwtUTP4k

[SV650rules]

I bought my mate an Elephant for his room

He said "thanks"

I said "don't mention it"

.................................................. ...

Man walks into a butchers shop,

the butcher says "bet you 20 quid you can't get the meat down from the top shelf"

Man says "Nah, the steaks are too high"

.................................................. ..................

Was cooking an Hawaiian Pizza last night and I burnt it, my mate said I should have used aloha setting.

[punyXpress]

A Harley Enthusiast (Biker) is strolling through the Taronga Park Zoo, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the Lions' cage.

Suddenly, a Lion pounces at the fence and grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming
parents.

The biker runs to the cage and hits the Lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the Lion jumps back, letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

A BBC TV team by chance recorded the entire event. The reporter has also watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the biker says, 'Mate, that was the most gallant
and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies It was nothing, really. The Lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist and tonight's 7 O'clock News and 7.30 Report will run this story at the top of the program. So, what do you do for a living and what
political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a
Liberal party supporter.'

The BBC journalist makes a few notes and leaves.

That evening the biker sits down to watch the news report of his actions,
and sees first thing on the news:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Pretty much sums up the BBC's media's approach these days!

[SV650rules]

Murphys other laws.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone in a big German car would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[punyXpress]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...I was shocked.
------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.

[punyXpress]

Subject: TEACHING MATHS.


1. Teaching Maths In 1950...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
£____


2. Teaching Maths In 1970...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?
£___


3. Teaching Maths In 1990...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?
__Yes or __No


4. Teaching Maths In 2000...

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2015...

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.


6. Teaching Maths In 2025...

مسجل تبيع شاحنة محملة بالأخشاب مقابل 100 دولار.
أن تكلفة الإنتاج هو 4/5 السعر.
ما هو الربح له؟

[Trev B]

Spot on mate !!!

[SV650rules]

Spot on mate !!!

That last point on the maths joke is truer than I like to think about just now

[punyXpress]

Subject: Trump's Parrot


During a lull over a recent dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat
with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought
Donald a parrot for his birthday in June. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize
that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what
they mean.”



"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........."neither does the parrot."

[BanannaMan]

Not a joke but a definitely a good laugh.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/41201494/people-like-ryon-are-going-to-shoot-at-hurricane-irma


And now you know how Trump got elected.

[punyXpress]

Sign of the times?

“Hello there - is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”

“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”

“Oh! Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.*

“Right! That's just what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

“What? I detest vegetables!”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!”

“I understand, sir. But do you know that you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”

[BanannaMan]

Rumor has it, the real reason Trump hates Mexicans is because he never received any credit for helping write the lyrics to this Cheech Martin song.

(lyrics on screen)

cQq1G6Jnr2c

[punyXpress]

Riskay or what!

A Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowls," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the club for his bowls match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there."

The girl asked " Well do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bowls team hadn't!"

[DarrenSV650S]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

[Heorot]

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't ****ing do him any good.

[BanannaMan]

I lost my watch at a Christmas party.
About an hour later I saw some guy standing on it while he was sexually harassing a woman.
So I went over and punched him in the face breaking his nose.
No one does that to a woman on my watch!

[punyXpress]

Ireland Declares War On France.

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Macron!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' M replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Macron paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Macron asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Macron sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Macron , the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Macron ! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says macron. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bloody' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[SV650rules]

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.*

*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.*

*A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.*

*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.*

*The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.*

*The batteries were given out free of charge.*

*A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.*

*A will is a dead giveaway.*

*If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.*

*With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.*

*Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.*

*You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.*

*Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.*

*A boiled egg is hard to beat.*

*When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.*

*Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.*

*Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.*

*If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.*

*A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.*

*In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.*

*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds*

*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.*

*He had a photographic memory which was never developed.*

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.*

*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.*

*Acupuncture: a jab well done.*

[punyXpress]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[punyXpress]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?”

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[Heorot]

Senior Trying To Reset A Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER : 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50ferkingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FERKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50FerkingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPeedOff50FerkingBoiled CabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDonotGiveMeAccessNow



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[DarrenSV650S]

BvjterYmC98

[BanannaMan]

Question:
What is Rockin' like a G6?

Answer:
Canada, this weekend!

[punyXpress]

Residents near the bus and coach workshop in Berlin were kept awake into the early hours last night because of loud hammering and banging coming from the workshop. One resident went to the workshop to find the workers welding the roof back onto the national football teams open top victory bus.

[punyXpress]

Hardly Comedy, but . .

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily.”

[Bibio]

that made me giggle :-)

[SV650rules]

Snippets from personnel files


Since my last report this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig


His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity


I would not allow this employee to breed.


This associate is not so much of a has been as a definitely never will be.


When she opens her mouth it is only to change the foot already in there.


He would be out of his depth in a carpark puddle.


This person has delusions of adequacy.


He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.


Got into the gene pool when lifeguard was not looking.


This man should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.


Room temperature IQ.


As bright as Alaska in December.


If brains were taxed he would get a rebate.


If she was any dumber she would need watering twice a week.


Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.


Takes her an hour and a half to skive for 60 minutes.


Could be dyslexic, confused between confidence and competence, also ambition and ability.

[punyXpress]

Passwords

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,

‘What’s the wifi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Fosters and VB on tap'

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'

[punyXpress]

The Logical Scientist


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't ********** very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ******

[punyXpress]

Don't try this on your SV !

I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Johnny Walker and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Johnny Walker before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

[SV650rules]

I had to close down my poultry dating agency, I tried every way I knew, but simply could not make hens meet..

[garynortheast]

I bought a muzzle for my duck the other day. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it fits the bill.

[andrewsmith]

A duck walks into a bar.

Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no and if you ask again I'll nail your break to the bar.
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?

Sent from my PRA-LX1 using Tapatalk

[chris8886]

A duck walks into a bar.

Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no and if you ask again I'll nail your break to the bar.
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?

Sent from my PRA-LX1 using Tapatalk

:smt044:winner:

[SV650rules]

Two toddlers from our local playgroup who refused to lie down for their afternoon nap have been charged with resisting a rest.

[BanannaMan]

I named my two dogs Timex and Rolex.
Now they are watch dogs.