The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[WayneL]

A woman in the street see a man go up to a dog, lift up it's tail and kiss it on the backside.

Woman "Oh my God, why did you do that?"
Man "It's for my chapped lips."
Woman "Well how does that cure them?"
Man "It stops me from licking them."

[WayneL]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are sitting on the top of a building during their lunch break. They each open their packed lunches.

Englishman "Oh my God, ham sandwhiches again. Everyday she makes me
the same ones. I work hard on this building site, and for what?
Well I have had enough. If I get Ham tomorrow then I'm
jumping off this building"
Scotsman "Oh ffs, tuna again! I'm sick of it too. I tell you what, if she
makes me tuna tomorrow, I'll jump off with you."
Irishman "Would you believe it, cheese sandwhiches again. Well I'm sick
of it too. If I get cheese again tomorrow then I'll jump off
aswell."

Then next day the guys open their lunchboxes to find they all have the same old sandwhiches, and as promised, all three jump to their deaths.

All three men have a joint funeral in honour of their time together. The wives all hug with tears in their eyes.

English wife "He never said anything. Why didn't he tell me? I could have
made other ones"
Scot wife "Tell me about it, I thought he loved tuna. Why didn't he
complain to me?"
Irish wife "I'm really confused. He made his own sandwhiches."

[Bluepete]

Q; On a scale of 1 to 100, how immature are you?

A; 69!

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Q; On a scale of 1 to 100, how immature are you?

A; 69!

I was going to put 'I like that' then I thought it might have sounded wrong, so I will just say I think this is funny.

[punyXpress]

Tickles yer fancy?

[WayneL]

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you said, "Woman, leave me alone, I'm married!"

[Jayneflakes]

‎"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison. :smt107



I saw this joke recently and loved it! :smt043

[DJ123]

My wife and I are like chalk and cheese.

I'm white and skinny, and she's primarily made up of fat.


My wife is like the sun.


My eyes hurt when i look at her.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Angela Merkel was going through passport control in Greece

Immigration officer asks "Nationality?"

She replies "German"

"Occupation?" He asks

"No, just visiting for a few days"

[metalangel]

My missus' sister just knocked me out.

What kind of sick woman sprays chloroform on her used knickers?

[metalangel]

Jordan has assured the UK government that Abu Qattada will get the treatment he deserves. If he buys her a kebab, she'll give him a BJ.

[ixlr8]

Hah, that made me smirk despite my best efforts.

[DJFridge]

A new game show has just gone into production. Fern Britton abducts old, annoying game show hosts and hides them in a secret location until viewers can guess where they are. "Britton's Got Tarrant" starts soon on ITV3

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Copied from another site, but I had to, it really made me laugh, I had tears of laughter running down my face trying to read it to DJ

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[Viney]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are sitting on the top of a building during their lunch break. They each open their packed lunches.

Englishman "Oh my God, ham sandwhiches again. Everyday she makes me
the same ones. I work hard on this building site, and for what?
Well I have had enough. If I get Ham tomorrow then I'm
jumping off this building"
Scotsman "Oh ffs, tuna again! I'm sick of it too. I tell you what, if she
makes me tuna tomorrow, I'll jump off with you."
Irishman "Would you believe it, cheese sandwhiches again. Well I'm sick
of it too. If I get cheese again tomorrow then I'll jump off
aswell."

Then next day the guys open their lunchboxes to find they all have the same old sandwhiches, and as promised, all three jump to their deaths.

All three men have a joint funeral in honour of their time together. The wives all hug with tears in their eyes.

English wife "He never said anything. Why didn't he tell me? I could have
made other ones"
Scot wife "Tell me about it, I thought he loved tuna. Why didn't he
complain to me?"
Irish wife "I'm really confused. He made his own sandwhiches."OMG, how much dust was on top of that one. I havent heard that in about 20 years!! :lol:

[Paul the 6th]

Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.

Police say there may be a pattern developing.

[Paul the 6th]

I got caught secretly filming at the back of the cinema during a romantic film.

It was just as they started kissing, when the girl whispered to her boyfriend, "That creepy man over there is filming us."

[littleoldman2]

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely **** all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.

[Dabber]

If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that, during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a stair lift.

[SoulKiss]

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely **** all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


Makes you proud to be British.

Had he dug down another 50ft he would have found the copper wire.

Thing is, it wouldn't be from a high-tech network.

It would have been from where two Yorkshiremen had been fighting over a copper coin, proving that Yorkshire tightness can be traced WAAAAAAY back :p

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Just found the wife's g-spot. Who'd have thought her sister had it all this time?

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[Dabber]

People always look at me with shock and horror when I say that all Gay people should be hung.

All I want are larger c#cks in my mouth!

[metalangel]

Tetley's say the secret to making a great cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So I slap the missus on the backside and say: "milk and two sugars, fatso!"

[gruntygiggles]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . . Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
(Love this kid too)
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid !!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[DJFridge]

My friend has tried to improve the aerodynamics of his racing snail. He removed the shell but I'm not sure it's worked - the poor thing seems very sluggish

[rowdy]

A lonely hearts ad:

Man seeks a tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
shia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Please only read lines 1, 3 and 5
if still interested phone. . .

[rowdy]

Went for a check up for testicular cancer last week.

A little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure"

I said "I haven't got an erection"

She said "no, but I have"

__________________________________________________ ___________

The missus asked me why I always start to sing when the end of my penis entered her during sex.

I said "cos I feel like a pop star love"

"oh really" she said, "which one"

"Just in beaver"

[punyXpress]

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was nomusic, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off and wait for a camel !!"

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing,"
he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his
rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren
blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch, and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Paul the 6th]

I tried to get into BDSM but i cant be bothered, I suppose i need a kick up the ****.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

[littleoldman2]

Brill thanks

[xXBADGERXx]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"
A passenger in economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shat myself.

[metalangel]

I came into the kitchen today and saw the missus at the stove cooking breakfast in her slippers.

I really need to buy her a new frying pan.

[xXBADGERXx]

aCCCHH MINGING

[wyrdness]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

[DJFridge]

Took a girl home after clubbing the other night. After a few more drinks we went upstairs and started taking clothes off. Suddenly there's a voice from the bed, "I hope it's not that fat one from last week."
"What the hell was that?" asked the girl.
"Sorry, it's the mattress. It's memory foam."

[Specialone]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.

'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[wyrdness]

First Donna Summer, then Robin Gibb. Disco is having a hard time Stayin' Alive.

[Sebulba]

A man goes to the psychologist.
The psychologists asks: "Why are you here?"
"Well, I work in a canning plant and a few weeks ago I got a sudden urge to put my penis in the cucumber slicer. I fought it for the first few days, but finally I couldn't help myself and I did it".
The psychologist asks, alarmed: "And what happened?!?!"
"Both of us got fired"

[Shawthing]

First Donna Summer, then Robin Gibb. Disco is having a hard time Stayin' Alive.

Walked past the fridge earlier and heard a voice saying 'Robin Gibb is dead'.....
It was chives talking.

[Stingo]

If Robin Gibb and Donna Summer were to have a joint cremation....would it be known as a Disco Inferno?

[metalangel]

Out in a club the other night and there was a guy on the dancefloor dancing up a storm. Disco, jumpstyle, breakdancing, the works.

The wife nudged me and said, "Twenty years ago that man proposed to me, and I turned him down."
I nudged her back and said, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[xXBADGERXx]

Didn`t help myself in Court yesterday , I was arrested for Child Porn charges and the Judge said "How does 5 to 6 years sound ?"






Apparently "Sexy" is not the right answer

[xXBADGERXx]

They say that small calibre pistols are no good in a Bear attack , I beg to differ . I was out in the hills with the girlfriend and a large female Brown Bear came crashing out of the undergrowth at us , we must have been near one of the cubs . I quickly drew out my .22 pistol and took aim . The shot went right into the Girlfriend`s kneecap and she went down . I was easily able to walk away at a brisk pace and make my escape .

It`s now my favourite pistol .

[Bluepete]

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her Tourette's.

Turns out she doesn't have it.

I AM a ******* and she does want me to feck off!

Pete ;)

[xXBADGERXx]

A very strict farming father is hearing suitors to see which one he will let take his Three daughters on a date.
One boy arrives at the house and says "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer approves of the boy, and lets his daughter leave.
A second boy arrives and says "Hello, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready"
Again, the farmer approves, and lets his daughter leave.
A third boy arrives, and says, "Hi, my names Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him .

[Geodude]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

[xXBADGERXx]

What`s the best thing about Twenty Eight year olds ?








There`s Twenty of them

[littleoldman2]

Ya must mean there's ONLY Twenty of them.

[Dave20046]

What`s the best thing about Twenty Eight year olds ?








There`s Twenty of them

AND



What's the difference between twenty children's corpses and a ferrari?



I don't have a ferrari in my garage...

[Bri w]

Got threw out of B&Q today. I was in the garden section when a spotty sales assistant came over and asked me if I wanted decking........... I got the first punch in.

[punyXpress]

Respect! ;)

[Swer]

999 call:

call center: hi whats your emergency?

Man : quick there are 2 girls fighting over me

call center: whats the problem then ?

Man: The fat 1 is winning!

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop

'I'm fecking me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed-


'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Every time I see my mate in town with his wife they are always holding hands.

I asked him why this was and he said, "If I let go, she shops".

[punyXpress]

Ya must mean there's ONLY Twenty of them.

Do you know xXBADGERXx ?
He means AT LEAST 20

[Bluepete]

I ashamed to admit my Uncle used to ejaculate on me.

Phew!

Glad I got that off my chest.

Pete ;)

[xXBADGERXx]

I ashamed to admit my Uncle used to ejaculate on me.

Phew!

Glad I got that off my chest.

Pete ;)

Guffaw

[andrewsmith]

I ashamed to admit my Uncle used to ejaculate on me.

Phew!

Glad I got that off my chest.

Pete ;)

I don't know weather to cringe or ring a priest

[DJFridge]

I don't know weather to cringe or ring a priest

A catholic priest is more likely to understand:smt059

[punyXpress]

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked....
"Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did two little boys"?

"No" he replied, "That was Gary Glitter".

[Shawthing]

Murphy asked Paddy 'What ringtone have you got?'.
Paddy answers 'I've never realy looked, but probably light brown !'.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week.
The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

[xXBADGERXx]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

[Specialone]

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



Alcohol is a perfect solvent: (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


It dissolves marriages, families and careers. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



A fine is a tax for doing wrong. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


A tax is a fine for doing well. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have:

(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


They say that alcohol kills slowly.
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



So what? Who's in a hurry ? (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



Never drink and derive (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


One nice thing about egotists:
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



They don't talk about other people. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)


There was a man who said,
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



"I never knew what happiness was until I got married... (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)

and then it was too late (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)



Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)

After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. (http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)

[punyXpress]

(http://www.facebook.com/s.p.bentley)
(http://www.facebook.com/n/?NoHopeForTheHumanRace&mid=63bd70cG5f8f3207G23b6a5bG79&bcode=kh2dQKJc_1.1339152862.AaTO1-PFi1rsYnxI&n_m=david_j_bentley%40yahoo.co.uk)http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/197712_376648315734580_1567402503_n.jpg

[xXBADGERXx]

I am gonna open my Time Capsule tomorrow











Can`t wait to see how big my Puppy has got

[xXBADGERXx]

I hate my father. He abandoned us just over ten years ago without so much as a phone call or a letter since.

The selfish ******* was probably too caught up in his new job at the World Trade Center

[DJ123]

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk.

Up

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
POODLE: I'll get to it when I've finished my hair and my nails are dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said: - I forgot my teeth.

The man said: - No problem.
With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. - Try these - he said.
The speaker tried them. - Too loose - he said.
The man then said: - I have another pair...try these.
The speaker tried them and responded: - Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all. He then said: - I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.
The speaker said: - They fit perfectly.
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
- I can't thank you enough, is your practice local? - I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man whispered back: - I'm not a dentist, I'm an undertaker.

[grh1904]

Watch this all the way through, sooo funny I nearly wet myself.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=791Dr-VH-Zw&feature=related

[xXBADGERXx]

Watch this all the way through, sooo funny I nearly wet myself.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=791Dr-VH-Zw&feature=related


Aaaah nothing warms the cockles of the heart than watching Foreigners/Stupid People/Children getting hurt . I particularly laughed very loudly at the "Manhole Cover" ..... the Kitten took off and hasn`t come back since

[orose]

Aaaah nothing warms the cockles of the heart than watching Foreigners/Stupid People/Children getting hurt . I particularly laughed very loudly at the "Manhole Cover" ..... the Kitten took off and hasn`t come back since

Should have cling-filmed the catflap...

[andrewsmith]

Should have cling-filmed the catflap...

:winner:

[DJFridge]

That was excellent. I don't know which was funniest - the golf buggy going over or the woman folding herself in half in the gym

[metalangel]

Line-up for the women's 100m: Wouldn't, wouldn't, would, maybe, up the wrong'un only, definitely wouldn't.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[RACEFIT_GLADDY]

My girlfriend dumped me outside a petrol station last week, now every time i drive past i want to fill up.

[xXBADGERXx]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[pinpoint_uk]

"Give it to me" she screamed, "I'm so wet, give it to me now".
"Sod off!", I said, "This is my umbrella".






I am 9 inches long. I do all the work and make you very happy! You use me every day what am I?


You pervert..... I am a tv remote!

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

[pinpoint_uk]

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!. So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable sod, I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there's always a string attached!

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

[punyXpress]

Someone on here said I'd go blind.
Here's proof I already have!
http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/548783_251959111563452_1531916313_n.jpg

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Me and the wife's usual sexual position is called the "England football team."

Neither of us know what we`re doing or why we`re there, there`s no passion, no commitment, no communication and we never make it past the first stages.
There`s horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It`s over far too quickly and when it does end I know it`ll be at least four years before it all happens again.

[svrich]

I was shocked to hear my dad had been sacked from his job as a lolly-pop man. Thay said he'd been stealing from work. I should have known something wasn't right, the signs were all there.

[punyXpress]

My Badge

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting
To sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic
ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up
And left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the badge.
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency
service.



























































































































































http://uk.f287.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f1065050%5fAKJEfbwAATy 8T%2bA4KAZptgs%2f3zE&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL


It also works at all supermarkets. Saves me hours.

At the laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
Machine, most still running!

Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my order!

Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi!!

[L3nny]

^^^^^ Cant see the pic mate

Kind of ruins the joke lol

[xXBADGERXx]

Hey .............. old dude , sort it out :P

[Stingo]

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_AwiOnPBPqg




This won't be here long...Not actually a joke really...

[Bluepete]

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_AwiOnPBPqg




This won't be here long...Not actually a joke really...


Tehehehe!

(Giggles like a ten year old)

Pete ;)

[HoL]

That ended too quick, what's the price of c0ck in Korea?

[punyXpress]

http://uk.f287.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f1065050%5fAKJEfbwAATy 8T%2bA4KAZptgs%2f3zE&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL

Try again?

[Bluepete]

Nope.

[punyXpress]

Well, I can see it & I'm ffin blind!
Not sure what I've done wrong. :o

[Dave20046]

http://uk.f287.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f1065050%5fAKJEfbwAATy 8T%2bA4KAZptgs%2f3zE&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL

Try again?


It's trying to point us at your yahoo inbox unfortunately puny!




p.s - when that man in nigeria gives you all that money I want halfsies

[punyXpress]

Do you want a few of his 'sisters' as well?

[Dave20046]

Yes please, tell him to pop them in a box and don't skimp on the bubble wrap!
Now to get to a western union 8)


...presumably so-called because they unite dodgy Nigerian's with Westerner's cash.