The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[punyXpress]

bubble wrap - that's just plain kinky!

[Dave20046]

Great alternative to PVC...although you can;t sneak up on anyone.

[punyXpress]

With the squeaky noise I make all the time they dont sound any different!

[xXBADGERXx]

With the squeaky noise I make all the time they dont sound any different!

http://www.livestrong.com/article/474842-how-to-strengthen-the-sphincter-muscle/

[punyXpress]

Ah!
The joy of exercising one's lady bits.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A friend of mine in the Parachute Regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.
He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot
while sucking his **** as she opens a bottle of beer with her ****..........


She's a Swiss Army Wife!!

[Dave20046]

A friend of mine in the Parachute Regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.
He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot
while sucking his **** as she opens a bottle of beer with her ****..........


She's a Swiss Army Wife!!

:D

[andrewsmith]

Stolen

[L3nny]

Puny I couln't live without knowing the punch line so I googled the joke and it came up with this. Not sure it was worth the effort :P

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours,
I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket .

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y5MzPQ6rRVQ/TgeY3Kyt0nI/AAAAAAAAAdc/83UBUOc7LkA/s1600/UK%2BBorder.jpg

It also works at all supermarkets. It saves me hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running!

Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff disappeared and I never got my order !!!!!

Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi!!

[daveyrach]

^^^^^ Cant see the pic mate

Kind of ruins the joke lol

Its a UK border agency badge, seen it on an email before.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S2 using Tapatalk 2

[xXBADGERXx]

What's got one head and 13 brains ?


















Peter Sutcliffe's hammer!

[xXBADGERXx]

As I sat naked on the edge of the bed sobbing, my wife consoled me.

"Hey, chin up, I'm sure it happens to lots of guys" she sympathised "Is there anyone we can call?",

"No!" I wailed, "They'll say the usual 'try again later' or 'try something different,' I'm a failure."

"Hey" she whispered, "You never fail me, I love you no matter what. We'll get there in the end."

"Promise?" I sniffed,

"I promise." She smiled and stood up; "Now, come on, forget the Guinness book of Records, let's get those 27 smarties out from under your foreskin."

[punyXpress]

Here it is ... proof that husbands do listen to their wives ...

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

And if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[punyXpress]

Do hope THIS one works:
http://uk.mg40.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f1179468%5fAJtEfbwAAAN 4T%2bQ%2b5wjNngYTLho&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo

[davepreston]

we shall have a new term on the org
when images are not shown just a big red x it shall be known as
A PUNY FAIL

[Bluepete]

BOOBIES!

Proof that men CAN focus on two things at once.

Pete ;)

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Stolen

Yes and it's old, but it still made me laugh

BOOBIES!

Proof that men CAN focus on two things at once.

Pete ;)

Rubbish, they still only focus on one at a time

[andrewsmith]

rubbish, they still only focus on one at a time

the cleavage

[xXBADGERXx]

DavePreston takes his chainsaw back into B&Q and says to the bloke in dungarees "You told me this chainsaw would cut one hundred trees down in a day, well today its only cut fifty." So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes 'brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr', and Dave says "What's that ****in' noise?"

[Bluepete]

I'm left making bad chemistry jokes because All the good ones Argon.

Pete ;)

[xXBADGERXx]

I was Just walking on the pier in Llandudno when I heard shouting.
There was a man and woman arguing. Then the woman slapped the man so he slapped her and she slapped him again.
I was going to get involved but a copper turned up and tried to sort it out. Suddenly the man hit him so the cop hit the man with his truncheon and then the woman hit the cop. Their baby was crying - it was chaos.
Then a crocodile appeared with a string of sausages.

[Dave20046]

heh, I only JUST got that.

[xXBADGERXx]

heh, I only JUST got that.

Bless

[punyXpress]

What time is bedtime in Michael Jacksons house?





When the big hand touches the little hand

[carelesschucca]

hope this isn't a repeat;

The German Chancellor arrives in Poland for the Euro Championships.
Customs officer askes her, "name?"
'Angela Merkel' she replies.
"occupation?" asks customs.
'no, just visiting' she replies


sorry I'll go away now

[xXBADGERXx]

snigger

[keith_d]

"We have examined your CV, and it a mass of lies. Your qualifications are fake, your work history is complete fiction and you have used your friends for references...

... Excellent!! Welcome to Sales!"

[xXBADGERXx]

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whisky he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go screw herself!"

[SoulKiss]

Shopping for Antiques wont make you gay, tho it may make you Buy Curios :)

[L3nny]

Brilliant!!

[BanannaMan]

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whisky he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go screw herself!"







Is there anyone here who doesn't know what bike this biker's riding?
"It's a lifestyle" alright! LOL



My apologies to any Harley owners.
I'm sorry you bought an over priced pos motorcycle.
The chrome is nice though.



I do like Harley riders.
They really are nice people.
They just all dress like 1960's California heroin dealers.




How is a Harley like a porcupine?
They both have priks on the back that might stab you if you're anywhere nearby.

[punyXpress]

Not thinking of emigrating over here are we, Bm ? ;)

[DJFridge]

Church ladies with out of control typewriters...


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with out of control typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: ' Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus .'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare 's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[metalangel]

This 50 Shades Of Grey book apparently isn't that interesting. Most women just flicked through it.

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head and says "Yeah, my wife!"

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Question: Where can you obtain virgin wool?
Answer: Really ugly sheep.

Question: Why did Jack take a prune out for the evening?
Answer: He couldn’t get a date.

My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs.

[xXBADGERXx]

My mate was waxing lyrical about Dynamo the magician earlier.

"He's good, but my mate can make anything disappear in an instant" I said.

"Is he a magician aswell?" he asked.

"No" I replied, "He's a scouser."

[The Idle Biker]

http://i1217.photobucket.com/albums/dd400/IdleBiker/Public/sauron.jpg

[keith_d]

I'm not saying our weather is crap. But my mate at London zoo is getting nuisance calls from some bloke called Noah who wants to know if they've got any dodos.

[Sudoxe]

Craig David has been appointed to help out the GB Olympic Archery Team. He has been given the role of Bow Selector.

[Tigerrrr.......]

Craig David? I don't get that.

[daveyrach]

Craig David? I don't get that.

Charactor fro bo selecta from the Telly

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S2 using Tapatalk 2

[Tigerrrr.......]

Ah, I see.

Now, if you'd said Avid Merrion (Leigh Francis) then I would've got it.

[L3nny]

Clearly you aren't up to speed with the 1999 UK garage scene

[Tigerrrr.......]

I wouldn't even attempt to answer that, whatever "that" is.....

[DJFridge]

I'm writing this from the hospital. The doctors say I'm going to fine but I feel I should warn you all - the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name

[DJFridge]

The instructions on my insect killer say "Do Not Spray Near Eyes" which seems a bit specific - I tend to just spray the whole wasp

[DJ123]

Tomorrow sees the release of the audiobook of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.

Read by Joe Pasquale.

[xXBADGERXx]

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah," says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.
"Wow, that's pretty cool," says Eric. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Damn, where did she get all that from?" asks Eric.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

[metalangel]

Thanks to 50 Shades of Grey, my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.

[Dave20046]

Haaaa!

[Dicky Ticker]

Latest drug craze in Yorkshire------
Apparently the are dissolving ecstasy tablets in water and using dental syringes to inject it in their mouths
Known locally as " E by -gum"

[xXBADGERXx]

Andy Murray will be just fine. The British love people who cry after losing something.

Just look at Gazza, Stuart Pearce, and the McCanns!

[punyXpress]

D.T:
That's been going on for years!
Signed: ' One who gnaws '

[Owenski]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zLBpelaUvg&feature=fvwrel

Skip to 50seconds+

hhahaahahhaahahahh hahahahahahahaha ahahahahahhahahhahaa

[_Stretchie_]

Ha haaa, I was wondering what I was missing and then it made sense....


YOU BETCHA

[daveyrach]

Ha haaa, I was wondering what I was missing and then it made sense....


YOU BETCHA

What am I missing?

[Dave20046]

What am I missing?

I think it's andrewsmith off the forum....

[punyXpress]

COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[DJ123]

What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night?

The water level in the bath

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.”
The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.”
Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated.”
The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.”
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit’s are so big she could only fasten eight!

[Mrs DJ Fridge]

Same teacher as above asks class to come up with a sentence using "contagious"
Sally:- I was at granny's and I started laughing, she said my laugh was contagious
Teacher:- well done
Billy:- last year I had the mumps, and the doctor said it was contagious
Teacher:- exellent
Paddy (Irish accent):- I was standing with my dad outside our house, and the neighbour came out with a paint pot and a little paintbrush and started painting his porch. My dad said it would take the contagious

[davepreston]

love that last 1

[keith_d]

Same teacher as above asks class to come up with a sentence using "contagious"
Sally:- I was at granny's and I started laughing, she said my laugh was contagious
Teacher:- well done
Billy:- last year I had the mumps, and the doctor said it was contagious
Teacher:- exellent
Paddy (Irish accent):- I was standing with my dad outside our house, and the neighbour came out with a paint pot and a little paintbrush and started painting his porch. My dad said it would take the contagious


Our Teacer was getting a little dispirited by now, but she decided to give Paddy one last chance.

Sally:- Thank you Patrick. Could you also give the class an example using the word torture.

Paddy:- Sure I can. Last Friday your man Mick was upstairs with me Ma playing trampolines when my Da's van came up the way. As he ran out the back he said, "I torture said your husband was away the whole day"

[Messie]

[-(

[_Stretchie_]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zLBpelaUvg&feature=fvwrel

Skip to 50seconds+

hhahaahahhaahahahh hahahahahahahaha ahahahahahhahahhahaa

Ha haaa, I was wondering what I was missing and then it made sense....


YOU BETCHA

What am I missing?

Watch from 50 seconds and at 55 second think

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j11/Stretchie_/Stuff%20for%20posting%20KEEPERS/swedishchef.jpg











P.S. Is it me or does that chicken have a look of shock on it's face?

[LankyIanB]

Why? That was Dutch.... chef is Swedish

[L3nny]

http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/201783-1/High-five-motorcycle-trolls-cop.gif?

[xXBADGERXx]

http://forgifs.com/gallery/d/201783-1/High-five-motorcycle-trolls-cop.gif?

I watched this 3 times thinking "blimey , how many repeats are they doing of this ? It`s funny but so many .... oh wait , it`s a GIF" :drunken:

[DJFridge]

As London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. Car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... Mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating.

ps. Tickets are still available from most street corners in East London from the usual suspects!

[xXBADGERXx]

The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at the Jubilee in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leans towards Mr Cameron and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Cameron arrogantly replies, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"

So the Queen, with one swift wave, smacked him in the mouth!!!!

[metalangel]

The missus came into the room.

"Here I am, back from the beauty salon!"

"Awww," I replied, "were they closed?"

[Viney]

DJF - Thats not as funny as the Comedy Stylings of the G4S boss

[punyXpress]

Shamelessly stolen from Street Triple lot:

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.

Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69

[metalangel]

My spastic brother won the dance competition in the pub last night.

He'd only gone up to get a packet of crisps.

[mister c]

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.

[DJ123]

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

[metalangel]

Richard and Patrick were coming out of a pub in Wales one evening when Richard spotted a sheep with its head stuck in the railings.
"Look at that Paddy, we cant miss a chance like that!" says Richard.

So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does the business.

Richard then says "Okay Paddy, it's your turn next!"

So Paddy drops his trousers and sticks his head in the railings......

[metalangel]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?







None.

[metalangel]

Paddy goes to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has epilepsy"

The vet looks and says, "it seems fine to me, sir."

"Hang on," says Paddy, "I haven't taken it out of the tank yet!"

[Owenski]

Taken from a mates facebook:

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/545769_199801226808196_1674023965_n.jpg

[punyXpress]

Sniffer:

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over it.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[keith_d]

You may have thought that our Olympic committee were having a bit of a joke when they played the South Korean national anthem for a winning North Korean. But they've got nothing on this:


"The medal ceremony at a Kuwaiti shooting event provoked bemusement and red faces when the wrong anthem was played to Kazakh gold medallist Maria Dmitrienko.

Following a mix up with an internet download, the winner had to listen to a spoof anthem written for the film Borat."


(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-17494812)

[metalangel]

Victoria Beckham has used David's involvement with the torch to get a role in the Olympics too.

She's going to be a javelin.

[metalangel]

I sat in the park having a J. Arthur Rank over the page 3 girl.

An old woman came over and angrily asked, "Can you cut that out?"

"P*** off, buy your own paper!" I replied.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

I've been on a medical trial for pills to help with erectile dysfunction

It had its ups and downs

[gruntygiggles]

I cannot convey Quite how disappointed I am the Congo were not in single file during the ceremony!!!

[BanannaMan]

All that fuss about Olympic security and the terrorists has a cunning plan after all.
Just let the opening ceremony bore everyone to death.

[Bri w]

What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?

Money.

[Thunderace]

How many G4S staff does it take to change a light bulb?

6 Soldiers and a Policeman!

[BanannaMan]

What's 6 inches long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?

Money.





That is not a joke. Should be in interesting fact of the day.

[andrewsmith]

That is not a joke. Should be in interesting fact of the day.

:winner:

At least it wasnt; whats 12" long... ;)

[DJ123]

I was telling my mate how my sex life is like a 100 metre final.

"Over in less than ten seconds?" he laughed.

"No," I replied. "I do it with seven big black men."

[squirrel_hunter]

I was down Weymouth yesterday to watch some of that Olympic sailing. Was quite good.

I saw the Brits take Gold.

The Dutch take Silver.

And the Somalis take a middle aged couple from Surrey.

[metalangel]

As a proctologist, I rectify every problem.

[jamesymurray]

Why couldn't the drummer get through the door?

Because he had a hi-hat

[Stingo]

Why couldn't the drummer get through the door?

Because he had a hi-hat


Boom Boom

Boom tish

Ba da bing..

[Specialone]

On January9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois (http://www.ci.pekin.il.us/) bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[andrewsmith]

stolen!