The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[Paul the 6th]

**** stretchie that's awesome :D

[Paul the 6th]

SK YOU ARSSSE!!!! lol

[_Stretchie_]

Best RR EVER!!!

I wonder if we could re-edit a certain Tazer related classic on here to do the same...


I thought so to as I realised what it was, are you allowed to edit a classic?


Oh and I have improved the image you get when clicking on the above link.

You're a dude

[AndyBrad]

I canna read it on my phone as ita blurred. What am I doing wrong?

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

[LewSpeight]

I canna read it on my phone as ita blurred. What am I doing wrong?

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

Same thing happening with me. Even tried it on the lappy and still got a blurred image


Sent from that magical device in my pocket.

[squirrel_hunter]

It's "Jamaican Hairstyle Day" at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it...

[fenjer]

Tried to get to Wimbledon the other day, it was a very difficult journey, over ground, underground...

When we got there we saw them training the umpires of the future. They start them at a very early age, sit them in high chairs and listen to them shouting "juice juice".

[Richie]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[andrewsmith]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/580240_598512306859615_904262605_n.jpg

[punyXpress]

Strewth Andy - you've put on weight! ;)

[Geodude]

Looks slimmer to me puny ;)

[punyXpress]

Was only trying to be nice about it

[Geodude]

:)

[Owenski]

Normally I'd see that and say "Kudos, you've got balls pal"... only its clear for all to see in this case he doesnt, which begs the question where the feck is his junk?

[DJ123]

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please."

[DarrenSV650S]

Are the barman said "quid?"

[Shawthing]

Roman Numerals: What are they good IV?

[DarrenSV650S]

mn3OmO10NDs

[Jabba]

Q: What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

A: Marscapone

[ClunkintheUK]

If we're doing cheese jokes.
Q: What cheese do you use to get a grizzly out the woods?

A: Camembert (Come-on-bear).


Q: What cheese is made backwards?

A: Edam.


Q: What cheese always looks at itself in the mirror?

A: Haloumi (Hello-me)

[squirrel_hunter]

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

[punyXpress]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Athens '

[punyXpress]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/upEBdKFGlPg

[punyXpress]

Not new ones, But . .
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT AND
WORTH £400,000 PER WEEK?

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7.
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'llwin
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester .
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed
on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered
he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years,
even though I live in Middlesbrough ."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country".
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[punyXpress]

Boy on holiday in Magaluf texts his mate, "Weather here like your mum, 36 & hot"

His mate replies "Weather here just like your sister, 18 & wet"

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Just been diagnosed with colour blindness. Well, that came out of the purple

[Bluepete]

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

[punyXpress]

One for LPH: ;)
Federal Court Ruling on 7-Y-O Boy....

CANBERRA - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody
of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian
Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.

[nikon70]

What's invisible and smells like worms?

...

Pigeon fart :)

[PyroUK]

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/08/27/agemy8ev.jpg

[Bluepete]

I pity the courtroom artist at Rolf Harris' trial. Talk about pressure!

Pete ;)

[DJ123]

Was my French teacher into golden showers?

Oui

[punyXpress]

THE CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the
Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid
their garments.

He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[kaivalagi]

This one just got emailed to me:

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated
some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and
I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is
because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers
about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[DarrenSV650S]

JhuccK8eCfo

[punyXpress]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back .................................................. ...............................
.................................................. .................... Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[LewSpeight]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today." he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

[BanannaMan]

When I was a teen safe sex meant locking the car doors.

[BanannaMan]

My wife:


My wife came home all flustered and told me she didn't know if she was coming or going, I told her she was probably going, as when she was coming she looked like a Downes syndrome girl trying to whistle!


My wife is a sex object, everytime I ask for sex she objects!


My wife goes to her doctor and asks "What's the easiest way to lose weight?"
He replies, "Try shaking your head side to side!"
My wife asks, "How often should I do this?"
The doctor replies, "Every time you're offered food you fat ****!"


I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to find!"



A mate told me his wife was an angel. I told him "you're lucky, mine's still living.




I'm really starting to develop an attachment for my wife.
It fit's over the mouth.



My wife's such a hag, when she answers the door on Halloween kids give her candy.

[punyXpress]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM WEST TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER ATE OATMEAL SALTED WITH GUN POWDER RELIGIlOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED, SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 34 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE...

[Richie]

Horrific Ghost in Grave yard caught on Camera =0/

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/aeNDjoj_460sa.gif

[punyXpress]

How it all began

Old Testament computing....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.

[punyXpress]

Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Teejayexc]

I was working out last night when I discovered a hole in my trainer, big enough to get 2 fingers in :o







She's now made an official complaint and I'm banned for life

[Shawthing]

A bloke walks into a pet shop and asks if he can buy a canary. The proprietor replies “ I’m sorry, we’ve sold out. You wont find a canary in town. I do have a parakeet, though.” The Bloke insists he wants a canary, so the shop owner tells him that a parakeet can be made to sound just like a canary if you file the beak down. “But you have to be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water .” The bloke recons that this is complete bull, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary, but again he has no luck. “But” says the girl behind the counter, “I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak down carefully it can be made to sound just like a canary.” She, too, then goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardise the bird’s life, due to the potential of drowning. The Bloke decides that there might be something to it, and buys the parakeet. “Besides” he tells himself, “parakeets are much cheaper.” His next stop is a DIY shop, where he wanders into the tools section, holding his recently-purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks if he needs some help. The bloke sheepishly explains how he intends to make the bird sing like a canary. The store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. “Here, this is what you want - a 200mm half round file. But be carefull not to file too much off, or the poor thing will drown.” The bloke thanks the DIY store owner , pays and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bloke wanders into the DIY store again. The owner, recognising him, asks how it went with the parakeet. The bloke looks down and sadly reports, “Actually, the bird’s dead.” The store owner looks sympathetic and asks, “Did you file too much off the beak?” The bloke shakes his head and says, “Nope. He was dead when I took him out of the vice.”

[keith_d]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about and didn't want to anyway.




How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your tuppence in"...but it's only a “penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from??
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why we post rubbish like this?

[ClunkintheUK]

Why do you have to "put your tuppence in"...but it's only a “penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Taxes

[Richie]

catchy Tune... Must be Welsh :) lol

?v=HNMq8XS4LhE#t=147

[Geodude]

Ha ha Richie, how do you find this stuff.. erm then again maybe best kept to yourself ;)

[squirrel_hunter]

Somebody has stolen my copy of Microsoft Office right off of my computer.

If the thief is reading this:

I will hunt you down and bring you to justice. You have my Word.

[ClunkintheUK]

Bear and a rabbit were taking a cr@p in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with cr@p sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit.

[Shawthing]

Bear and a rabbit were taking a cr@p in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with cr@p sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit.

I'm reminded of this joke eachtime i see the latest John Lewis Advert
http://images.dailyexpress.co.uk/img/dynamic/1/590x/bear.gif-442085.jpg

[punyXpress]

Sunday Mornings

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[ClunkintheUK]

The caterers at this years Beer and Winemakers convention were useless. They couldn't organise a pea soup in a brewery.

[punyXpress]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate," I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."
"It was my first day with the hook."

[Dicky Ticker]

Hundreds of dyslexic Sth Africans have been laying flowers outside Nissan Main Dealers.

[punyXpress]

No Joke really!

Got kicked in the balls today. I was in the lift with a lady who had the most fantastic tits and I just couldn't stop checking them out.
She said "Would you please press One?" so I did.
Don't remember much after that..... :twisted:

[Falconbobb]

Too funny

[wyrdness]

I was milking a cow the other day. Watched a fly go in one of the cows ears. Next minute I looked down and the fly was in the pail of milk. It seemed to go in one ear and out the udder.

[squirrel_hunter]

I used to DJ the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge.

But I no longer move in those circles.

[Dave20046]

No Joke really!

Got kicked in the balls today. I was in the lift with a lady who had the most fantastic tits and I just couldn't stop checking them out.
She said "Would you please press One?" so I did.
Don't remember much after that..... :twisted:

Like the time I woke up in a hospital bed and the nurse said "You may not feel anything from the waist down", so I grabbed a handful of her boobs

[punyXpress]

No laughing matter, this one!

The Squeezer


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.


Many people had tried .... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.


One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[Shawthing]

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas?



Twerky.

[Viney]

Bear and a rabbit were taking a cr@p in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with cr@p sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit. Eddie Murphy - Delirious DVD 1983

[Viney]

Somebody has stolen my copy of Microsoft Office right off of my computer.

If the thief is reading this:

I will hunt you down and bring you to justice. You have my Word.Sadly, you have no Power, Point this at the thief and his Outlook won't change and he will Excel at Accessing your system ;)

[svrich]

My children wanted to put a snowman in the nativity set this year. We told them they couldn't - it wasn't inn keeping.

[punyXpress]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and
orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look
up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to
see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around
here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the
hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi,
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys.
He's one of us."

[punyXpress]

I went up to the checkout at M&S and placed down four bottles of wine and six packets of pork scratchings.

The Muslim guy at the checkout said, "I'd prefer not to put these through for you, sir."

"Oh," I replied. "Is that because you won't serve me on religious grounds?"

"It's not that," he responded. "You can get those for five quid cheaper at my dad's shop on the corner."

[keith_d]

Drinking and Driving

With the Christmas season just over, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, just before Christmas I was out for an evening in a newly refurbished pub. I had several pints and a few G&Ts (it being Christmas after all!). Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I could be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before... I took a black cab home!

Sure enough on the way home the police were pulling motorists over, but since I was in a cab they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!!!

[allantheboss]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

[Bluepete]

I've been trying to come up with a Miley Cyrus joke, but it's just not twerking!

Pete ;)

[punyXpress]

SPAGHETTI


For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage. He said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti!

Two with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/null_zps14c4b458.jpg

[BanannaMan]

I finally found the perfect girl
I couldn't ask for more
She's deaf and dumb and oversexed
and owns the liquor store!

:smt060



What do pikeys and wheat have in common?
They are both in bread.



My local council has introduced clear bin bags.
They say it's so the Pikeys can go window shopping.


The EU has decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey.
You must now use the phrase: Caravan Utilising Nomatic Travellers or ****'s for short.


I once got into an argument with a Pikey, and I was bricking it after he threatened to get his dad, his brother, and his uncle to all find me and beat me up.
Imagine my relief when they all turned out to be one person.


What do you call a Pikey selling watches?
A time traveller.

[Dave20046]

nananananananananananananananananana Dazzla!

[punyXpress]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Dave20046]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8ac_1386933994

Yawkshire commentary

(not safe for work, totally legitimate and aired but there may be the odd yorkshire-ism)

[Dave20046]

Is the definition of a onesie ...

... a selfie taken by a member of the Royal Family?

[punyXpress]

Corny I know, but:

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said: -

'Burrr .......gurr .......king'

[Specialone]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[punyXpress]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

There are two really great lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are; and,

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!

[Dave20046]

What's the difference between red and green?

**** all apparently if you're a cyclist.

[squirrel_hunter]

Shortly after uttering the words "Hold my beer and watch this", there stood before me a tall, ghostly, mysterious figure wearing a black cloak and carrying a scythe.

"Are you Death?", I ask.

"No", came the reply "I can hear you perfectly well".

[DarrenSV650S]

http://i1281.photobucket.com/albums/a519/PistachioNut99/39FCC0BE-7A2F-49E5-8D57-84670140267D_zpsss602z8g.jpg

[BanannaMan]

How do you ruin a pikey wedding?
Flush the punch bowl.


Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well... it was the first thing I grabbed out of my shopping bag to lob back at the little pikey barstewards throwing rocks at me



What's the difference between a chicken and a roadkill squirrel?
Nothing if you're a pikey and it's your turn to cook.



I've just played the Pikey version of Monopoly...
There's a tarmac strip all the way around the board. You don't pay any tax and you never go to jail. You can stop anywhere and pay no rent...
There's no rules included in the box...so you just do what the hell you want.

[BanannaMan]

Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in America.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident,
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat and he became President of the United States!”



I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.





Three men were standing on a magic carpet.
One was English, one was French, and the third was American.
This magic carpet made anyone who was standing on it disappear if they told a lie.
The Englisman said, " I think I'm the most handsome man in the world!" and he vanished.
The Frenchman said, " I think I am the strongest man in the world!" and he vanished too.
Then the American said, " I think.." and he vanished as well.



Understanding Chinese English:

1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni
5) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat
6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King
9) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching
10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in America.
A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident,
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat and he became President of the United States!”



This one is a bit out of date now Bush isn't there anymore


I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


I've actually seen this written on forums by Americans complaining about people calling them dumb

[BanannaMan]

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.


BBC News: Tube crash in London city centre kills over 120 people.
1 British man died in the accident.



I'm trying to give up making jokes about minorities.
So no need to worry any of you white British people.



I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.
That's how much I hate the ****ing French.

[BanannaMan]

What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."



I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.



I ususally cry when having sex. Mace just does that to me.

[BanannaMan]

Did you hear about the cop who nicked his own toddler for refusing to take a nap?
Seems he was resisting a rest.

[BanannaMan]

Facebook.
Letting you know what someone you never spoke to at school is having for dinner since February 2004.



"Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth — $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook."





A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Geodude]

Eggscellent Bill haha. lol :)

[DarrenSV650S]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

lol it's the exact opposite when I'm in the car with my parents. My dad just about has a nervous breakdown when he is a passenger in my mums car. SLOW DOWN!! while she is going 45 in a 60 :p

[BanannaMan]

My girlfriend is a porn star.
She is going to be sooo ****ed off when she finds out.



I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
But she did.

[BanannaMan]

It doesn't matter if the Olympics are now being held in Russia, there will still be hundreds of blacks running about London, trying to take either gold, silver or bronze.



Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.
They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they talked ****e, gained weight and couldn't drive.






Have you heard about the new app exclusively for iPhone's ?
Public Telephone Box Locator

[ClunkintheUK]

That last one made me properly laugh out loud. Its so true as well. My iPhone is carp for making calls.

[BanannaMan]

Did you hear about the Olympic official who shot someone with a starting gun?
He's been charged with race crimes.



I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm f***ing not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f***ing drunk."



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[BanannaMan]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this F***ing sweater!"






I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you ****ing idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said. "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[BanannaMan]

I had to change a lightbulb yesterday.
A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a bar.
No wonder my life is a joke.






My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.'
All because I'm a 54 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal!



The 'War Against Terrorism.'
Finally a way of teaching geography to Americans!



.

[littleoldman2]

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This was caused by the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get angry and buy another product instead.
>
> Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem since their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
>
> The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP and third-parties selected. Six months (and £millions) later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop and someone would have to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to restart the line.
>
> A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project and sees amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. There were very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!,” he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
>
> It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was zero after three weeks of production use. It should have been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
>
> Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales are installed.
>
> A few feet before the scale was an inexpensive desk fan blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.
>
> “Oh, that,” says one of the workers, “one of the guys put it there ‘cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.”