The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[garynortheast]

Two of the local yoof were recently arrested for sniffing battery acid. They were put in cells overnight and charged in the morning.

[SV650rules]

When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

And remember, be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too

[BanannaMan]

The mother in law will be going to the Halloween party as an evil witch.
No word on what costume she's wearing.

[punyXpress]

To cheer you all up this dismal day :

Airport Full Body Scan Status Report



Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following

Airport Screening Results

2017 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :

Terrorists Discovered: 0

Transvestites: 133

Hernias: 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172

Enlarged Prostates: 8,249

Breast Implants: 59,350

Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

[BanannaMan]

Police came round today and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.


Ha! My dogs don't even ride bikes.

[SV650rules]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by
the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about
possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant .

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.

And in Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone
hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[SV650rules]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?


Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[Bibio]

found the long lost Jack Schitt story in some paperwork i was going through but decided to edit it.

Who is Jack Schitt?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don’t know Jack Schitt" but now you can intellectually handle the situation.

The response:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Alotta Schitt who were cousins. Jacks father Awe Schitt was the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc which was his fathers. Awe Schitt tragically drowned and as such passed on the family business to Jack.

Jack Schitt married a girl called Nae Way to become Nae Schitt. The couple produced six children Hoile Schitt (a girl), Fulla Schitt (a boy), Giva Schitt (a boy), Bull Schitt (a boy) plus the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt (both girls).

After 10 years of marriage Jack and Nae Schitt got divorced due to Needeep N. Schitt Inc going bust. Later Nae Schitt remarried a man called Ted Sherlock but due to the fact that the kids still stayed with their mother Nae kept her surname in addition to her new surname so becoming Nea Schitt-Sherlock.

After Nae remarried, Jack Schitt was found dead in a sex den with a plastic bag over his head. although Jack never lived long most people still remember his name.

As the years went by the kids of Jack and Nae grew up and got married. The first was Deep and Just like her grand parents Deep Schitt married her cousin Dum Schitt who was also a twin and as such Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt the other twin.

Deep and Dum Schitt had a son who they called Hoarse Schitt.

Dip and Loada Schitt had a son which they called Chicken Schitt.

Fulla and Giva were inseparable while growing up and married the Happens twin girls in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local paper read The big Schitt-Happens wedding.

Fulla Schitt had two children which he named Dawg Schitt a boy and a girl named Coo Schitt.

Giva Schitt had one son which he named Needa Schitt.

Bull Schitt left home to tour Europe and when he returned from Europe he had married an Italian girl now called Pisa Schitt. Bull and Pisa had no children.

Hoile Schitt moved to somewhere in Africa and married Willie Lotter but kept her maiden name as well as take her husbands. Willie and Hoile only had one son who they named Walter Lotter-Schitt.

So now you know who the Schitt family is.

[keith_d]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, attach bells to their ankles and wave hankies in the air, before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two white members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away when the opposing team arrives

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (using a tax break from the UK Government).

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will barbecue the french sheep before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following discussions with the RSPCA.

[punyXpress]

found the long lost Jack Schitt story in some paperwork i was going through but decided to edit it.

Who is Jack Schitt?

So now you know who the Schitt family is.

The President of the United States knew:
" So funny to see little Adam Schitt (D-CA) talking about the fact that Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was not approved by the Senate "

Bless him

[SV650rules]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4zPVvmSPfsPMV3TjkHg16sD/50-hilarious-cuttings-from-the-news-quiz?intc_type=promo&intc_location=news&intc_campaign=hilariousnewscuttings&intc_linkname=radio4_rm_mid_c3

[SV650rules]

I saw some second hand playing cards for sale at a Casino, I ordered them but after two weeks they had not been delivered - anyway when I phoned the Casino they said they were still dealing with my order..........

[chris8886]

Groooooan! Lol

[BanannaMan]

i knew it was going to be a bad day.
I rear ended a car this morning...

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[SV650rules]

I was annoyed by my wife continually nagging me to stop impersonating a Flamingo, in the end I had to put my foot down !

I recently saw an article on sheepdogs, I found out that deaf sheepdogs are hard to come by.

[Heorot]

Took me a moment to get that last one.

[garynortheast]

Don't give a sheepdog jelly or it'll end up with the colliewobbles.

[SV650rules]

A guide was advising visitors to Yosemite park about the dangers of grizzly bears. He said the people who go into the woods are normally too quiet and if a bear does not hear you approach and you startle it they can turn nasty, so it is best to let them know you are around. Told the visitors that the best way was to buy some of the ankle bracelets with little bells on from gift shop, and also keep you eyes out for grizzly droppings, a visitor asked how you know they are grizzly droppings, the guide said 'most times they are the ones with little bells in them'.......

[Seeker]

Take one letter from an album title and you get...

https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2018/08/24/these-15-albums-one-letter-removed-are-absolutely-ingenious/

[DarrenSV650S]

S65jqrHQi_c

[SV650rules]

Two prawns living in Caribbean were having a chat, one was called Christian and one Peter, Peter said ‘I am fed up with hiding all the time to keep away from predators, I wish I was a Shark, and then nothing would bother me’ – a large Cod who was basking nearby said ‘ I have the power to grant your wish, and Peter turned into a great white shark and happily swam off’.
Well because he was a strange shark in the area non of the other sharks wanted anything to do with him, and tried to chase him off – all the other creatures were afraid of him because he was now a predator and Peter found life very lonely, he longed for his old life with his mate Christian. He had to find that Cod again so he searched far and wide and one day spotted it, he told the Cod his story and begged to return to his old life… Well the Cod understood and granted his wish, he found his old stamping ground and tracked down his old pall Christian, who was very suspicious, so Peter had to reassure him.



He said ‘don’t be afraid, it’s only me, I’m your old mate Peter – I found Cod again and now I am a prawn again Christian’…

[Teejayexc]

<groans>

[SV650rules]

The building of a European Union language!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi
bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Grant66]

The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.

So how did you type "changes" later on?

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

[SV650rules]

“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”

“One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.”

“Hopefully, I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.”

“My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we’ve started to call her ‘I can’t believe she’s not better’.”

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.”

“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”

“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”

“Some people say that firefighters deserve more money, but apparently a poll was taken and they all fell through a hole in the floor.”

“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.”

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.”

“About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”

[Adam Ef]

^ Is that Milton Jones?

[SV650rules]

^ Is that Milton Jones?

Well spotted, seen him live a couple of times.. his sense of humour creases me - it is distinctive.

Got some more for later.

[Adam Ef]

He is great. He's done a few good shows for radio too.


Definitely influenced by Steven Wright I think.

[Heorot]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A47 just outside Norwich early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[SV650rules]

One of our local farmers had a problem years ago during a hard winter, he went down to the fields one morning and all his cows were standing in the field not moving, he went over and checked one and found it was very cold, in fact it was frozen. He checked the rest and they were all the same - he was just about to phone the vet when a couple of old ladies with rucksacks came into the field and asked what the problem was. The farmer explained that all his cows were frozen, one of the women went to the nearest cow and touched it, the frost melted off its back and it shook itself and ate some grass, she went round all the cows in turn and the same thing happened. The farmer was astonished and said to the woman, ' I don't know how to thank you, but I have to say your face seems very familiar !' The woman said 'you may have seen me on TV - I'm Thora Hird'.

[Biker Biggles]

Showing your age with that one

[Seeker]

Public Service Announcement by George Clooney on behalf of UDUMASS.

The main PSA starts at 54 secs and is potentially NSFW because of beeped out swearing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ab4BRAQElw&feature=youtu.be

[keith_d]

Came across this on t'interweb..

Unfortunately, my worst fears have been realised.

After four weeks waiting we have got the tests back, and my wife is severely allergic to our new puppy.

I don't agree with re-homing once they have settled in a place, but I feel I have to make an exception for the sake of domestic harmony. If anyone could help find a home for her it would be really awesome.

Her name is Vicky, and she is 37 years old.

[DarrenSV650S]

Must have been a website from the 90s was it?

[garynortheast]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

[SV650rules]

Never pick a pillow fight with death unless you are ready to face the reaper-cushions.....

[SV650rules]

"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"

"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" -

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" -

"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" -

"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" –

"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" -

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging -

"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" -

"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" -

[Seeker]

Did you know that God is on twitter? Neither did I, but he does some great trolling:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/08/22/simply-37-times-god-won-twitter/

[Dave20046]

That raised much mirth

[Seeker]

As someone who spent a significant amount of time trying to catch horses that didn't want to be ridden, I found this video hilarious:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dC3Z8pf5U&feature=player_embedded

[punyXpress]

No joke really !
" Subject: Philosophy


The Great Lao- Zhu said



"It is only when you see a
mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to
realise that there can be value in solving
problems without using
violence.”

[garynortheast]

No joke really !
" Subject: Philosophy


The Great Lao- Zhu said



"It is only when you see a
mosquito landing on your
testicles that you come to
realise that there can be value in solving
problems without using
violence.”

Absolutely! Point well made with humour.

[punyXpress]

No ff'in Comedy in this one !

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.



The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.

It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

After Governmentium is past it’s uselessness it transforms into geriatrium and moves to Another Place where it becomes somnolentium until it can no longer change and thankfully ceases to exist.

nb: this whole shebang is going critical a week tomorrow !

[SV650rules]

@punyXpress that is excellent, but too near the truth :(

[SV650rules]

My new years resolutions this year include helping the planet by trying to stop using spray on underarm deodorant so it's 'Roll on 2020' -----

[SV650rules]

Had to laugh at somebodies reply to the question ....



Q.... 'I have an old tin of golden syrup how can you tell if it has gone off ?'


A.... 'If it's past its best it'll smell like mole asses'

[punyXpress]

Yet another 'not funny' one:


I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual which, according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive British culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Now a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorables.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!



As if all this crap wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!

* HELP * !

[SV650rules]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[keith_d]

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[punyXpress]

Subject: The Meaning of Aplomb!


His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your ***** still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT is aplomb.

[keith_d]

After three months of tedious lockdown, if you were given the choice of a luxury weekend away with your wife, or a barbeque with your mates, would you choose:

a) Burgers
b) Chicken
c) Sausages

[punyXpress]

Cheap ( & dirty ) weekend with next door's au pair ?
No food required.

[Seeker]

... and won't be able to unsee:

https://twitter.com/joeheenan/status/1291473617071611906

[punyXpress]

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;


They just make the most of everything they have.....




They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY


IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive-through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing'.

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford .

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more'.

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.

[chris8886]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two...'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford .



You don't live in Moor Park do you?! I know the area extremely well!

[punyXpress]

No - don't have an up & over door either !

[Biker Biggles]

Well I live quite near Potters Bar and I think they should make that "Deer Crossing" cheaper.

[Adam Ef]

We had a random customer call up and ask...


"how far are you away from me?"

[Dave20046]

We had a random customer call up and ask...


"how far are you away from me?"

Does she think you're google?


I had someone ask me how I make their background image on Zoom centred....she sent a screenshot, it was centred she just needed to shift her **** over to be centred with the camera.

I also once had someone ask me how I stop the light switches interfering with their recording equipment (cameras), walked in to inspect , she turned off the lights...and obviously the camera preview went black. That's how light works dear.

[punyXpress]

Beware - there's more

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked:

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded: 'That's why we ask'.

Happened at Luton Airport

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded: 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

[punyXpress]

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey', I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.



STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

[punyXpress]

Let this be a warning - not much comedy!

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding
officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve
the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this
office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was
surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless,
scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly
unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined
the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three
expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the
history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind
all that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell
him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."

[SV650rules]

English woman and husband visiting Wales for first time noticed most people speaking Welsh - they stopped for lunch in a nice town and woman asked a man on next table 'do you speak English - can you tell me where we are, and please speak slowly because Welsh place names look strange to me' The man leaned closer and said 'B -- U -- R -- G. -- E. -- R. -- K. -- I. -- N. -- G. '....

[punyXpress]

Who's into building specials ?

https://youtu.be/6KBSCNeMUrk

[garynortheast]

Why isn’t Trump allowed in the White House?

Because it’s forBiden.......

[chris8886]

Groooooooan!

[Dave20046]

Groooooooan!

Bye den!

[Biker Biggles]

Bye Don I think!

[Seeker]

A Lasting Impression:
https://twitter.com/ThePoke/status/1325124203859726336


bonus, there's this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th5uVIhQ8VY&feature=emb_logo

(start it at time 4:14)

[Richie]

Dad Jokes...
these are really bad...




How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? From the bark.

How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.


ok :nomore:

[garynortheast]

Blimey! Richie, welcome back! Where have you been hiding?

And ...er...yes they are. :smt046

[redtrummy]

The farmer thought his cockerel was getting too old to perform his duties properly in the henhouse, so he bought a young, healthy cockerel and put him out in the yard. The old cockerel says:
"So, you think you are going to take away my job? First you have got to beat me in a running race and since I am so much older than you, give me a head start."
The young cockerel gives him a 5 second lead and starts running, expecting to pass the old cockerel quickly. To his surprise, the old one is pretty fast, but he is gaining on him. Then the farmer comes out the back door with a shotgun and blows the young cockerel away, muttering to himself:
"That's the third cockerel I have bought this week that prefers cockerels to hens!"

[littleoldman2]

James Bond walks into a bar
He looks around, and takes a seat next to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "Been given this state-of-the-art watch. I'm testing it."

The intrigued women says "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

Bloke explains "It uses brain waves to talk to me telepathically".

The lady says "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you are not wearing any panties."

The women laughs and replies, "Well , it must be broken because I am wearing panties"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bloody thing's an hour fast"

[Craig380]

Why don't A Flock Of Seagulls ever tour the Middle East? Because Iran's so far away.

[garynortheast]

Tequila on a bicycle. (https://youtu.be/2UFQRG9OxTs?si=F38TyltxnOSrHnj7)