The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes

[DJ123]

It's been two days since Curiosity landed on Mars.

Cats of the world have rejoiced and can sleep with both eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that the notorious serial killer can't touch them for a while.

[DJ123]

Nothing beats a girl with really nice long hair.
Except Chris Brown.

[DJ123]

What is the opposite of Imagination?

I have no idea.

[DJ123]

I approached a sales assistant today.

"Hi, sorry. Do you mind if I ask a really silly question?"

"Not at all" she smiled.

"What is Michael Jackson times six?"

[andrewsmith]

I approached a sales assistant today.

"Hi, sorry. Do you mind if I ask a really silly question?"

"Not at all" she smiled.

"What is Michael Jackson times six?"

A Thriller!

[wyrdness]

"Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so f***ing wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

I'd packed my stuff and I was leaving, as I stepped through the front door the wife shouted "I want you to suffer a slow and painful death!"

"Oh, so you want me to stay now!" I replied

[davepreston]

at a irish wedding the dj asked the married men to stand beside the person that made there life worth living


the barman was nearly crushed to death

[Thunderace]

My wife said to me today "I want bigger boobs it only costs £3000".

I replied "just rub some toilet paper round your nipples".

"What" she said, "rubbing toilet paper round my nipples, how does that make my boobs bigger?".

I replied " I don't know but it's done wonders for your ass!".

[DJ123]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[DJ123]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Thunderace]

A man comes home from work early to find his , wife naked in bed and a pair of legs dangling from the balcony of the flat above, so he runs to the balcony grabs the legs and pulls and pulls until the guy lets go. He falls 3 storeys but is still moving, so the man rushes into the kitchen , picks up the refrigerator and hurls it over the balcony, crushing the guy on the floor, he then promptly dies of a heart attack due to the strain.

A moment later 3 men appear at the pearly gates...

St Peter says "if you can tell me how you died I'll let you into Heaven".

1st Man says " I came home from work early to find my wife naked in bed and a pair of legs dangling from the balcony above, so I pulled the f**ker off, he fell 3 storeys but was still moving, so I grabbed the fridge out of the kitchen, threw it over the balcony but then I had a heart attack and died".

"You may enter" Says St Peter.

2nd Man says " I was lifting weights on my balcony, lost my balance and went straight over the railings but I managed to grab on, then some nutter pulled my legs 'til I fell off, then the lunatic threw a fridge at me which crushed me to death"!

"You may enter" Says St Peter.

3rd Man says " Well I was shagging that first guys wife, when he came home early I hid in the fridge"!

[Shawthing]

Just a quick reminder.... Those of you who stole electric goods in last year's rioting, Your 1 year warranty runs out soon!

[mikerj]

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl, tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[BigBaddad]

I was watching the mens 100m final the other day when my son came up to me and asked, "Dad, what's the shortest race in the Olympics?"

"the Chinese", I replied.

[squirrel_hunter]

Good news!

The Olympic Legacy has already started to kick in.

I caught the first 5 minutes of The Jeremy Kyle Show this morning, and literally everybody on there were wearing tracksuits.

[AndyBrad]

I've just joined that tesco dating service



I've got a bag for life....

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2

[_Stretchie_]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then she would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling.

My co-worker (who is naturally blonde by the way) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told her I was a light bulb. She said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!!"
(You're gonna love this....)
<
<
<
<
<
<

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

[Thunderace]

It's amazing what you can get away with if you look like Sylvester Stallones mum...........

[Bluepete]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443


Pete ;)

[_Stretchie_]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443


Pete ;)


Ha haaaa, loving George Ryegold's in that link

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Watched Tim Vine on Dave the other day, very Tommy Cooper-esqe, but, after a while it is almost punishment as the puns get so bad

[Thunderace]

What's the difference between the Paralympics and the Special Olympics?

At the Paralympics everyone is a genuine athlete.

At the Special Olympics everyone is a winner!

[davepreston]

At the Special Olympics everyone is a winner!
:winner:


;)

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

What's the difference between the Paralympics and the Special Olympics?

At the Paralympics everyone is a genuine athlete.

At the Special Olympics everyone is a winner!
:winner:


;)


Does that make Thunderace Special?

[davepreston]

and for that comment your shiney gold chocolate medal is in the post :)

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

and for that comment your shiney gold chocolate medal is in the post :)

Woot! :cheers:

[mister c]

Older Women -- I'll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place.

We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

[_Stretchie_]

What's the difference between the Paralympics and the Special Olympics?

At the Paralympics everyone is a genuine athlete.

At the Special Olympics everyone is a winner!

NEED sound

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IFUNIa2NU8


You're welcome :smt040

[punyXpress]

Woot! :cheers:
. . . but BEWARE!
If it's from dp it'll be laxative chocolate. ;)

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

. . . but BEWARE!
If it's from dp it'll be laxative chocolate. ;)

I'll test it on the misses first

[punyXpress]

Ever the gent.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Ever the gent.

Ala Mr. Preston :smt040

[DJ123]

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."


2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "


3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."


4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."


5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."


6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."


7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."


8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"


9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."


10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances

[punyXpress]

11. Adolf Schicklgrueber. All the above per post 520 courtesy Bluepete ;)

[Dabber]

Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.

[andrewsmith]

Massive pussy, orange colour with long nails out and about in Essex

Yeah, good luck trying to find that one.

Narrows it down to about a million

[xXBADGERXx]

Why don`t Catholics wear Condoms ?









Because you can`t get little Boys pregnant

[squirrel_hunter]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

Half of Essex.

[punyXpress]

A day in the life of a BMW* driver:


Stolen from another forum. Did make me chuckle.

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!"

* other vankmobils are available, mainly Audi & Mercedes Benz

[Owenski]

Rofl, good post

[squirrel_hunter]

Archaeologists excavating a Pyramid in Egypt have found a Mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts believe it to be the earliest example of a Pharaoh Roche.

[squirrel_hunter]

Like it or not, thats how Facebook works.

[xXBADGERXx]

My Ten-year-old son caught me jerkin off this morning.
He said, "What are you doing dad?"
"It's called w******g," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, dad?" he asked.

"Because my arm is f******g killing me!"

[Mr Speirs]

hahah hilarious

[andrewsmith]

Badg you bad bad bad man :lol:

[Viney]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in
one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign
read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause
if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland
and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs
of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.

------------------------------

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to
buy a tie? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your big brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[The Idle Biker]

What's the difference between Chris Moyles and a Didlo?

A Dildo is only an artificial representation of a c0ck.;)

[Sebulba]

Two fish in a tank.

"So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[svrich]

Two cows in a field.
One Says 'moo',
The other says 'I was going to say that!'

[squirrel_hunter]

Two parrots on a perch.

One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?".

[svrich]

Two cows are standing in a field. First cow says to the other,

'So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?'

Second cow says,

'Why should I be? I'm a squirrel.'"

[The Idle Biker]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/541094_513860148628178_1513955366_n.jpg

[svrich]

Two slugs turned a corner and came up behind two snails. They groaned loudly Oh no! Caravans!

[gruntygiggles]

Don't make fun of a big man with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it!

[ClunkintheUK]

Don't marry a dyslexic dwarf. Its not big and its not clever.

[svrich]

When I was a school the 'weird kid' was found pleasuring himself with some savoury biscuits. Everyone knew he was f**king crackers.

[Thunderace]

Why men should be aloud to sleep around and women shouldn't..............

If you have a key that fits every lock, it's a master key.

If you have a lock that can be opened by any key, it's a crap lock!

[DJ123]

I ****ed this girl last night, and I must have been brilliant because she was telling everyone about it.

Her friends, her parents, the police...

[DJ123]

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

[DJ123]

"There's a spider in the bedroom," screamed my wife, "Get it out Dave! Please get it out!"

"I don't know why they turn you on so much," I said, unzipping my jeans.

[_Stretchie_]

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

"Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

And that was all the invitation I needed...

:smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt041 :smt041

[DJ123]

As my s***k dribbled down my girlfriend's chin, I looked her in the eyes and said, "Do you like that?"

"No," she replied, "What the **** is in this sandwich?"

[DJ123]

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.

[svrich]

A recent study found that Paralympic running is the least environmentally friendy sport.
It's got the largest carbon footprint of all the events.

[DJ123]

Listen to something someone tells you. Now twist it into every horrible way possible. Congratulations!

Now you're a woman.

[Thunderace]

I won tickets to the paralympics, 100m hurdles, gosh they must have sore foreheads by the finish.

[DJ123]

I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come.

[DJ123]

Apple have just launched a new car. It comes with all the latest gadgets, fully integrated with the iphone 5 and with wireless area network. It's called the i-WAN car.

[Fruity-ya-ya]

I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come.

This is my new favorite joke. Almost did a wee.

[DJ123]

Jeremy Forrest is using this time to teach Megan how 30 doesn't fit into 15 no matter how hard you try.

[DJ123]

My wife asked for anal last night.

I said "Stop leaving your knickers lying around, the house is unclean, there floor needs hovering, the kids are a mess"

[widepants]

After watching the Paralympics it got me thinking; If they can run faster than I can, swim better than I can, lift heavier weights than I can, then why the **** do they need to park closer to Asda than me

[DJ123]

"Gerry, what was Madeleine's maths teacher called again?"

[DJ123]

What's the difference between Stevie Wonder and Jeremy Forrest?..

Jeremy Forrest only has one ****ed pupil.

[DJ123]

There was a young teacher from Eastbourne
Who fancied a girl in the fifth form
He took her to France
Where he took off her pants
But made her keep on her school uniform

[SoulKiss]

Jeremy Forrest is a rubbish maths teacher.

Everyone knows that 30 into 15 shouldn't go.

[Lozzo]

Jeremy Forrest is a rubbish maths teacher.

Everyone knows that 30 into 15 shouldn't go.

But he has proven that 15+30=69

[Viney]

Gentlemen

Can we please keep an eye on the U rating of this area. A few of the jokes are a little near and a few over the mark. Im not one to delete stuff but i will if it keeps on.

Many thanks for watching

Viney :)

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Gentlemen

Can we please keep an eye on the U rating of this area. A few of the jokes are a little near and a few over the mark. Im not one to delete stuff but i will if it keeps on.

Many thanks for watching

Viney :)

Isn't most of it down to interpretation?

It is like the Simpsons, some of the jokes go way over kids heads because they don't know, but, the adults know.

[Viney]

Isn't most of it down to interpretation?

It is like the Simpsons, some of the jokes go way over kids heads because they don't know, but, the adults know.
Either way, keep it clean please that is all.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

Either way, keep it clean please that is all.

Yes boss :smt040

[punyXpress]

English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish
blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

[svrich]

I totally admire my postman, he's always pushing the envelope in everything he does.

[DJ123]

"I can't wait 2 C U tonight. XXX"

"Me neither. The Pacifier."

"The Pacifier? WTF?"

"Sorry, I thought we were ending our texts with Vin Diesel movies."

[DJ123]

Girl: What do you do for a living?
Me: I hunt and kill aliens
Girl: WHAT? Aliens aren't real!
Me: Have you ever seen one?
Girl: No
Me: Your Welcome

[DJ123]

Megan Stammer has said in a statement: "I'm so sorry for running of with my maths teacher. I knew I should of gone for the Geography teacher. France is a **** hole"

[Thunderace]

I had a dream last night that my Dad was gonna die........

My Mum rang today and said the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep!

[squirrel_hunter]

Teachers eh?

One day you're taking the register, next day you're on one...

[DJ123]

Say: Eye
Spell: MAP
Say: Ness

[wyrdness]

Say "I wish for happiness" in a French accent.

[metalangel]

Say "I am tired" in French.

[Fruity-ya-ya]

Say "I am tired" in French.

Je suis fatigué.

I don't get it ;)

[DJ123]

Once there was a man who walked into a bar and starting talking to the owner of the bar.
He said, "I bet you 300 dollors I can pee into that cup and not a drop out of the cup."
The bar tender laughed and said, "Ok, sure. 300 dollars." So the man said, "Ok one second," and walked away.
When the man came back he said, "Give me a small cup." And the owner gave him one.
The man started peeing all over the owners bar and the owner starting laughing.
The owner said, "You didn't get a drop in, so you owe me 300 dollars"
And the man said, "Well I just bet that guy over there 500 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would laugh about it."

[DJ123]

so my new Japanese girlfriend is rumored to be one of the wettest girls in her country, mum and dad.. id like you to meet sue nami.

[DJ123]

Pay at Pump petrol stations really confuse me.

"Minimum delivery 2 litres"
"Maximum spend £100"

Well which is it?

[Captain Nemo]

Apparently, Ford are selling transit vans that are also time travel machines.

Some guy in Wales bought one and ended up back in April...


what a *****

[Jabba]

what a *****

Couldn't agree more. Completely insensitive and absolutely no need for it.

[svrich]

Me too.I thought this place was better than that.

[gruntygiggles]

It is most of the time. I am not normally bothered by jokes like that, but sometimes the line is crossed and I believe it has been here. Her family are going through hell, that is no laughing matter.

Can we please keep this thread as lighthearted as it is intended to be?