View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Think up some new jokes
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Kilted Ginger
03-10-12, 08:24 PM
For those that have reported daddyjob's "joke" (using the term loosely) whilst you may consider it to be in bad taste, not funny and insensetive it does not imho break the forum rules.
May I suggest if you don't like his "humour" add him to your IGNORE list and you will no longer see any of his posts.
gruntygiggles
03-10-12, 08:44 PM
I didn't report, I just didn't like it. I don't want to add anyone to my ignore list, I can move on from things immediately. I don't however think there is anything wrong in vocalising a general dislike for something.
what a *****
Couldn't agree more. Completely insensitive and absolutely no need for it.
Me too.I thought this place was better than that.
It was a joke from else where. Appreciate it wasn't 'tasteful'.
It is most of the time. I am not normally bothered by jokes like that, but sometimes the line is crossed and I believe it has been here. Her family are going through hell, that is no laughing matter.
Can we please keep this thread as lighthearted as it is intended to be?
Post above ^ It was copied and pasted from else where, i appreciate it wasn't 'tasteful'
There are a number of jokes in here about the unfortunate situations that people have gone through. That joke is not the only one of 'bad taste' i have seen.
gruntygiggles
03-10-12, 09:18 PM
Post above ^ It was copied and pasted from else where, i appreciate it wasn't 'tasteful'
There are a number of jokes in here about the unfortunate situations that people have gone through. That joke is not the only one of 'bad taste' i have seen.
Daddy job, people are just vocalising that they didn't like it that's all. I think it is because this is still a search that is ongoing for a 5 year old girl.
Just because I don't like the joke doesn't mean I don't like the joker and the same goes for most of us :-)
Completely agree with that if it's in a constructive way with a point to it, much like your own post. Others are more of a pointless one line.
I try not to post such jokes.
Captain Nemo
04-10-12, 10:15 AM
Completely agree with that if it's in a constructive way with a point to it, much like your own post. Others are more of a pointless one line.
I try not to post such jokes.
not really a "pointless" one line. i think it put my sentiment accross clearly as i felt that a simple response would more likely be understood by someone who clearly cant recognise when a situation is not worthy of comedy.
please dont think i don't have a sense of humour, i gigged stand up for 3 years and i ve got a nasty inappropriate sense of humour at times, im just careful about using it in sitautions where it may be misconstrued
gruntygiggles
04-10-12, 10:23 AM
Back to the jokes...
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
Apparently, Ford are selling transit vans that are also time travel machines.
Some guy in Wales bought one and ended up back in April...
I think that having a child kidnapped, sexually abused, probably videoed and then probably murdered and posted on the internet for other peoples sexual pleasure is a perfect vehicle for humour, no it really is, you're a **** and can some mod delete my account please, pathethc
My bedroom needed re-papering. I knew the neighbour downstairs had recently re-papered the exact same room in his flat, so I went and asked him how many rolls he had bought. "Seven" he replied. So off I went, got the paper and did my bedroom. I papered everything: inside the cupboards and behind the lightswitches. I had two rolls left over. Went back to see him and told him that I didn't understand how, but that I had two rolls left over. "So have I" he said.
_Stretchie_
05-10-12, 03:48 PM
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison. :smt107
I saw this joke recently and loved it! :smt043
My wife and I are like chalk and cheese.
I'm white and skinny, and she's primarily made up of fat.
My wife is like the sun.
My eyes hurt when i look at her.
Love them all
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants..."
Bluepete
11-10-12, 05:00 PM
Not every flower can say love, but a Rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every 'tard can read, but look at you having a go!
Look at you, smiling at the computer!
Pete ;)
xXBADGERXx
11-10-12, 05:25 PM
iIIuR-HjFho
I was at a job interview the other day and the guy said to me, "I'm going to ask you three questions and I want you to give me three quick fire answers." So he said, "First question, how old are you?", I said "Quick fire."
metalangel
12-10-12, 05:00 PM
Wife: Stan’s got one of those things that stop you backing into other cars when you park at Asda. What do they call them?
Husband: A penis.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
13-10-12, 07:40 PM
Wife: Stan’s got one of those things that stop you backing into other cars when you park at Asda. What do they call them?
Husband: A penis.
Even been proved with science XD
Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'
The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'
That Skyfall looks boring.
There's no Bond girls, and only one stunt, a 10 minute parachute jump.
More scandal at the BBC!!
Its been announced that Morph was a Playdofile...
andrewsmith
15-10-12, 09:00 PM
Stolen!!!
squirrel_hunter
15-10-12, 09:30 PM
Stolen!!!
Just remember...
Plagiarism: Getting in trouble for something you haven't done.
Just remember...
Plagiarism: Getting in trouble for something you haven't done.
Tom Lehrer on the subject in the 50's
http://youtu.be/IL4vWJbwmqM
IL4vWJbwmqM
Jambo
_Stretchie_
17-10-12, 08:50 AM
Simplez
My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love felt tips.
Thunderace
17-10-12, 08:14 PM
My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love felt tips.
Genuine lol!:D
Geodude
18-10-12, 03:15 PM
My girlfriend woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.
I love felt tips.
Superb :D
I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse," he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that."
So i was walking down the street earlier and this chav threw some cheese at me!
I was like, that's mature.
The police knock at a house, and a 10 year old boy answers with a fag in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other.
The police officer asks, "Are your parents home?"
The boy replies "What does it f**king look like?"
Thunderace
19-10-12, 10:09 PM
There was a young gent from Tadley,
Who desired a new bike quite badly,
So with cash on his hip,
and being quite thick,
he got a new Gixxer that's shabby!
andrewsmith
19-10-12, 10:10 PM
bwahahahhaha
Whats bust?
Thunderace
19-10-12, 10:12 PM
Nowt major it just burns more oil than petrol, I can't really take the **** the Ace is just as bad.
andrewsmith
19-10-12, 10:20 PM
Well the last FZR750 I followed fogged its way along a road
I said to my wife, "I was just disgusted when I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "All of you blokes are the same, it's just natural."
"I don't know what's so ****ing natural about it?" I replied, "She was feeding him Quavers."
punyXpress
22-10-12, 02:04 PM
Not Comedy, really, BUT:
http://www.morningwood4u.com/images/decals/DualAirbagsWarn.jpg
The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.
They say they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.
I've finally found something my girlfriend's bum doesn't look big in.
The distance.
When my mate told me he`d mixed Onions with Nitrous Oxide, I didn`t know whether I should laugh or cry..
Thunderace
29-10-12, 08:35 PM
Feck me Job! They're getting worse!:smt019
BigBaddad
30-10-12, 11:32 AM
Four words you never want to hear right after losing your virginity
"How's about that then"
BigBaddad
30-10-12, 11:35 AM
Breaking News - Football
Howard Webb is to lose his place in the Man Utd squad to Mark Clattenburg.
xXBADGERXx
31-10-12, 12:11 PM
Got my Hallowe`en Fancy dress ready for tonight , it`s a shellsuit , a blonde wig and a cigar .......... that should keep the kids away from the door
Cymraeg_Atodeg
31-10-12, 12:22 PM
Got my Hallowe`en Fancy dress ready for tonight , it`s a shellsuit , a blonde wig and a cigar .......... that should keep the kids away from the door
That and some silver spray painted boots with "Gary Glitter" written on the outside
BigBaddad
31-10-12, 06:00 PM
Got my Hallowe`en Fancy dress ready for tonight , it`s a shellsuit , a blonde wig and a cigar .......... that should keep the kids away from the door
That'll put the Willie's up 'em.
andrewsmith
31-10-12, 07:49 PM
That'll put the Willie's up 'em.
so would a Bishops hat in the window
The Dentist...
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and thenwashes his
hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing yourhands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:..
"Didn't feel a thing."
Thunderace
03-11-12, 01:16 AM
If we made soldiers' body armour out of copies of the Qu'ran, the Taliban would be ****ed.
__________________
"Babe, is it in yet?"
"Sort of"
"Hang on, I'll push a bit harder. Is it in now?"
"Nearly."
"Does it hurt?"
"Yeah, it hurts a fair bit."
"Okay then, it's probably best that you try a bigger shoe."
Apparently, today is "National Text Your Ex Day"
I doubt you can even get reception at the bottom of a lake.
Police : Where do you live?
Me: With my girlfriend.
Police: Where does your girlfriend live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbours' house.
Police: Where is your neighbours' house?
Me: If I tell you you won't believe me!
Police: Tell us!
Me: Next to my house
Owenski
07-11-12, 10:06 AM
... you're nicked smart ****
BigBaddad
09-11-12, 02:54 PM
Now then, now then, now then, in at 11, it's me.
BigBaddad
09-11-12, 02:59 PM
A bar in New York is serving a new cocktail called The Sandy. It's just a watered down Manhattan.
BigBaddad
09-11-12, 03:00 PM
In a bad year for celebrities Jimmy Carr comes across as being a bit of a saint. He was only caught tax fiddling
BigBaddad
09-11-12, 03:01 PM
Belmarsh prison has just opened a new wing to house high profile sex offenders. They've named it Savile Row.
My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.
"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.
Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.
"What the ****?!" she snarled.
"Remember this feeling," I said. "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to hold you."
My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
BigBaddad
16-11-12, 07:38 PM
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said " get that f*****g trolley over here, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2
Newtons third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
keith_d
18-11-12, 08:01 AM
I've just heard that before his death Jimmy Saville was working with Nik Kershaw on a single. It was going to be called "I Won't Let Your Son Go Down On Me"
I was walking down the beach today when I spotted a blonde sun bathing topless.
When she looked up at me I said, "Haven't you got gorgeous eyes."
"Thanks," she smiled. "Most men normally only look at my tits."
"Its probably your own fault to be honest," I replied. "You've had them closed for the past half an hour."
squirrel_hunter
21-11-12, 11:18 PM
Just been watching some of that womens golf.
Their driving was awful, but boy could they use an iron.
I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "hi sexy, what can I do for you?"
I said "Hide, my wife's coming downstairs and I've lost the remote"
Howdo all.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital
...one's in a korma
...the other's got a dodgy tikka!
metalangel
22-11-12, 03:22 PM
My sex life is out the window.
Luckily I only live on the first floor so she climbed out the window before the missus got up the stairs.
I've just bought my wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present. Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her.
gruntygiggles
23-11-12, 11:42 PM
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering the time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off!
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied, "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
BigBaddad
28-11-12, 10:45 AM
My wife wants a new pair of gloves for Christmas. I've got her a pair of Marigolds. (True story)
Paul the 6th
28-11-12, 11:32 AM
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital
...one's in a korma
...the other's got a dodgy tikka!
And all this after a few weeks worrying whether their grandmother was going to survive pneumonia... thankfully their na'an is now fine.
Spiderman
28-11-12, 07:11 PM
If we made soldiers' body armour out of copies of the Qu'ran, the Taliban would be ****ed.
Not only is this mildly racially/religiously wrong but its not even funny. All those soldiers would simply get shot in the head.
FAIL> must try harder.
I thought it was hilarious! Best joke I've heard this year! ;-)
Bluepete
18-12-12, 07:38 AM
Why did God invent Policemen?
So that Firemen could have heros too!
Pete ;)
punyXpress
19-12-12, 11:46 AM
Biker snowman, stopped by the speed Gestapo, faces the ultimate sanction . .
http://uk.f1726.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f1521586%5fAJMl5C4AAGU VUNGk5gvUJClLvkA&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
Essex of Essex
19-12-12, 06:44 PM
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............they are called managers.
Bluepete
21-12-12, 06:39 AM
I found some salad cream that had a use by date of 21/12/12.
Turned out it wasn't salad cream, it was mayanaise!
Pete ;)
Specialone
21-12-12, 06:45 AM
I found some salad cream that had a use by date of 21/12/12.
Turned out it wasn't salad cream, it was mayanaise!
Pete ;)
Huge groan :rolleyes:
punyXpress
22-12-12, 02:54 PM
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
LewSpeight
22-12-12, 03:32 PM
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you havin a go! This is a sentimental time of the year.Please send an encouraging message to ****ed up friends, just as I've done. I dont care if you lick windows, or occassionally **** yourself. You hang in there cupcake, you're ****in special, you're my friend! Look at you smiling at your phone! You ********. Happy xmas
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
i have just heard that tomorrow gonna be the hottest day of the year
keith_d
01-01-13, 09:03 AM
Hillary Clinton has recently been found to have a clot behind her right ear.
His name is Bill.
I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the bloke. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the
curves have warning signs that say "20 MPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the bloke up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. three corners later, I was on his Mudguard. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the valley, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the valley and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Britiron.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycle, as well. They really make a great bicycle
LewSpeight
05-01-13, 02:37 PM
Bump. C'mon guys!
Doinitmyway
09-01-13, 11:11 AM
The man who had the first hand transplant in England is devastated, as his knob has rejected it!
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"
I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
The wife and I were overjoyed when our new baby arrived. I walked proudly into the registry office:
"We'd like to call her Charlotte."
"Sorry," said the clerk. "Charlotte has already been assigned. You can have Charlotte3549 or Charlotte_23."
Paul the 6th
10-01-13, 01:58 AM
The man who had the first hand transplant in England is devastated, as his knob has rejected it!
Yeah I heard about this, his hand transplant has taken a turn for the worse after ************ too much?
What a tossor.
Doinitmyway
12-01-13, 09:43 PM
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident'.
The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!"
After a few minutes the blonde, still sobbing, says "How many is a Brazilian?"
punyXpress
14-01-13, 05:02 PM
To commemorate the release 0f the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector’s Edition of two small jugs.
punyXpress
14-01-13, 05:07 PM
A Mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche
punyXpress
14-01-13, 05:11 PM
“IT’S a Boy” I shouted, “A Boy, I DON’T BELIVE IT, IT’S A BOY” and with the tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai brothel! :confused:
Specialone
15-01-13, 11:45 PM
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collectors' Edition of two small jugs.
-----------------------
Seven wheelchair athletes were been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
---------------------
A reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots:
your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
-------------------
"ITS A BOY!" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY!" And, with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
-------------------------
----------------------
The 100 metres final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in London: a gunshot followed by eight black geezers legging it.
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics, the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead, and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.
-------------------------------
The Sailing results are in: GB took gold, USA took silver, and Somalia took a middle-aged couple from Weymouth.
dizzyblonde
16-01-13, 12:50 PM
In light of recent findings of horse meat, in Tesco beef burgers.....
Tesco veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.
Dicky Ticker
16-01-13, 12:55 PM
I bought the Mrs a pair of Union Flag knickers
I call them her Belfast knickers.
Every time I take them down there is a protest.
Doinitmyway
16-01-13, 01:17 PM
I dont know why everyones worried about the Tesco horse burgers.
My mate told me to check out the meatballs - they are the dogs b*ll*cks....
I just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer....... and they're off!
Doinitmyway
16-01-13, 01:45 PM
Horses in Burgers at Tescos?!!?!!?
What next?
My Lidl pony?!!?!!?
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