View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
gettin2dizzy
13-09-07, 11:44 AM
made me chuckle at work :)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
SoulKiss
13-09-07, 02:57 PM
I'm sorry, but I find Swiss' "joke" highly offensive. I'm a pretty broadminded bloke but that was just bang out of order.
They haven't (AFAIK) been charged with anything and should remain innocent until proven guilty. I can't even begin to imagine how bad it must be to find your child is missing, but to make a "joke" out of someone elses horrifying situation is just wrong.
If there are any decent mods reading this I hope they will delete the aforementioned post.
Sorry for the rant, but "jokes" like this really p*ss me off.
Sorry, but I dont recall you speaking up about the most similar joke to this one.
Remember the one about how Pavarotti's funeral vehicle would be a Nissan Dorma ?
tinpants
13-09-07, 06:29 PM
Probably 'cos I didn't see it??? :rolleyes:
Oh deary deary me. After a good laugh at some of these on the last page I've spent most of my time looking at peoples opposing views on what is sick and what isn't. Tell you what, why don't the posters on here not post things which people might perceive as being sick, un-P.C., sexist, racist, ageist, sizeist, ugliest, fattest, (by the way I'm not ugliest or fattest-you are!) and any other ist there is. it is a bit naughty and you will always get someones goat.
Now my turn.
Did you hear about the fella that had his whole left side cut off? He's alright now.
Man walks into a bar. Ouch.
:smt077
That's not leftism is it?
therealvw
14-09-07, 02:28 AM
Oh deary deary me. After a good laugh at some of these on the last page I've spent most of my time looking at peoples opposing views on what is sick and what isn't. Tell you what, why don't the posters on here not post things which people might perceive as being sick, un-P.C., sexist, racist, ageist, sizeist, ugliest, fattest, (by the way I'm not ugliest or fattest-you are!) and any other ist there is. it is a bit naughty and you will always get someones goat. :smt077
But if we do that nothing much will get posted!
anyway who knows which double act used to say OOH TEN PENCE SHORT
SHORTISM!
Ooh I could croosh a grape!
=;
SoulKiss
14-09-07, 03:02 PM
Sci-Fi Geek Chat-up lines, things you may hear at a Star Trek Convention......
"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
"Nice Asimov."
"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
"I'm the droid you're looking for."
"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me play with myself while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"
Sci-Fi Geek Chat-up lines, things you may hear at a Star Trek Convention......
"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
"Nice Asimov."
"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
"I'm the droid you're looking for."
"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me play with myself while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
skidmarx
15-09-07, 07:09 PM
http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618&phpsessid=30cf846286610800c227e14b8b2fd63a
:smt101
:pale::D
The other day someone said to me "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought "that's a turn-up for the books."
:cool:
http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/read.php?f=2&i=3141618&t=3141618&phpsessid=30cf846286610800c227e14b8b2fd63a
:smt101
:pale::D
Absolute CLASS!!!
I nearly wet myself reading that!!!:D:D:D:D:smt025:mrgreen:
Absolute CLASS!!!
I nearly wet myself reading that!!!:D:D:D:D:smt025:mrgreen:
PMSL!!. Now that is the funniest thing in the quintessential list of jolly funny things. Ever.:cheers:. Beware - you will need dry underwear and a supply of tissues. Great.
Two mates in a pub and one says to the other
"If I sh*g your misses and she gets pregnant, does that make us related?"
His mate says " no but it makes us even".
Tommy was playing in the house with his balloon; throwing it this way and that, punching it up in the air, bouncing it off the walls until the balloon floated into the bathroom and into the toilet bowl.
Tommy looked at this, pulled a face of http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/disgust.gif and left the balloon where it landed.
A little while later his father entered the bathroom and promptly, without looking, sat down, with his magazine to do his "business". On standing he looked with horror at the toilet bowl!!! The excrement had totally covered the balloon and the picture was of an immense and absurd gigantic mountain of ****.
Not wanting to believe what had just happened he quickly phoned his friend who was a doctor.
"Gerald, I had a **** that just filled up the whole toilet. I've never seen so much **** in one sitting. It's almost overflowing. I must have a very serious problem."
"Heck John you are most probably exaggerating!"
"What exaggeration. I am looking at all that **** now.
It's absurd. I must be very ill".
"OK. I'm on my way home but I'll pop in as it's on my way."
The doctor arrived and went directly to the toilet where his friend was standing at the door waiting.
"Hello John, where's this business that you .......GOOD HEAVENS ....!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is this????? For heavens sake what have you eaten?"
"Didn't I tell you? Now you believe me hey?"
"This is un-f******g-be-lie-va-ble!!!!"
"So you think I have a serious problem?"
"Well to start with I am going to take a sample"
Gerald, the doctor proceeded to take a small sterilized bottle out of his medical bag and when he *****ed the "cake" to take his specimen ...................
POW!!!!!!!!! The balloon popped and **** went flying to every crevice within the four walls of the bathroom!!!!!!!
Absolute silence follows the eruption. Both men encased in **** look at each other and the doctor shouts......
"Son of a bitch! I thought I had seen it all in this life, but a fart with a shell..... never! ! ! !
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Ferrari convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Ferrari, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are
you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,just
waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... boobies out to here,
Dave.
Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have A
ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and
I said 'It's either screw or swim! ' She couldn't swim, Dave. She
couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of
the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, What are you
happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobies out to
here, Dave.
Boobies out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told
her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave.
Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said,
'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't
swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there
cryin'
over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...boobies
WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. I had more wood than my
boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY
out...much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked
at her boobies and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a willy, Dave! She had this
great BIG willy!........ and I can't swim Dave! I can't f**king swim
man!!!!!!" http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/wink.gif
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/shock.gif
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Busy day Jdubya ?:)
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"what's the good news.......??
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again.....!"
How To Advance In The Workplace (http://utterlyboring.com/archives/2007/09/16/how_to_advance.php)
This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this:
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. [%]
Then :
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
and,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, but it's always the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Pedro68
19-09-07, 09:13 AM
Absolute CLASS!!!
I nearly wet myself reading that!!!:D:D:D:D:smt025:mrgreen:
+1 :smt046:notworthy:
Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games,
other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed
to the following pre-match displays:
1) The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about
how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.
2) The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.
3) The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4) Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”.
5) Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and have to be
forcibly removed by the match stewards.
6) Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between
the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.
7) The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact
the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster fi lm called ‘Saving Flanker Ryan’.
8.) Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9) The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female offi cials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog
to the crowd for a fortune.
10) The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientifi c research buy harpooning an opposition prop.
11) The French won’t have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.
12) The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the fi eld and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol
will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some
streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody
good night.
13) The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break.
Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World
Cup due to lack of players.
14) Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite
the opposition over by saying, “We’d like to have you for dinner”. It’s only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize
there is no meat and that they are the dinner!
Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.
Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games,
other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed
to the following pre-match displays:
1) The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about
how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.
2) The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.
3) The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4) Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”.
5) Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and have to be
forcibly removed by the match stewards.
6) Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between
the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.
7) The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact
the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster fi lm called ‘Saving Flanker Ryan’.
8) Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
9) The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female offi cials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog
to the crowd for a fortune.
10) The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientifi c research buy harpooning an opposition prop.
11) The French won’t have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.
12) The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the fi eld and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol
will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some
streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody
good night.
13) The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break.
Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World
Cup due to lack of players.
14) Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite
the opposition over by saying, “We’d like to have you for dinner”. It’s only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize
there is no meat and that they are the dinner!
Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.
Filipe M.
19-09-07, 12:37 PM
Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games,
other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed
to the following pre-match displays:
(...)
Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.
I'm glad they left Portugal out of it! :lol:
Bluewolf
19-09-07, 01:27 PM
The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.
Ah come on now, it needs to be a Buckfast bottle at least...;)
Ah come on now, it needs to be a Buckfast bottle at least...;)
lol yeh and rip a bit of the label off with every swigg
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/8997613d4f
http://slimbenny.ytmnd.com/
:p
Pedrosa
20-09-07, 01:30 PM
Police warning for all men.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go; home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" or bike forums on the internet.
Sorry if posted before...it made I larf it did.
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very, very closely...............................
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
wyrdness
20-09-07, 03:25 PM
Since it seems to be Ye Olde Anciente Jokke day here in the Comedy Club, I thought that I'd post this:
Q. Where does the Queen keep her chickens??????
A. In the Royal Enfield. *BOOM*BOOM*
One fo rthe Chelsea fans
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GcHNwI-O1qU
Ok! I'll probably feel the wrath of the org for this one but i'll risk it. It's Slightly bad taste, mods if you wanna delete it then feel free.
Jose Mourhino has said he wants to head back to Portugal and never be seen in England again.
Kate and Gerry McCann have offered there services :rolleyes:
One for the office lot to try ;)
ONE-POINT DARES: (1)
· Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
· When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
· Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
· Don't use any punctuation.
· Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES: (3)
· Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers while making a clicking sound with
your tongue that resembles the sound of a revolver.
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
· Every time you get an email, shout ''e-mail''.
· Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone is over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
· Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
· Call I.T. help desk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web-sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES : (5)
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10times.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
·During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
· As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
· Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
· Hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll call you tonight".
grh1904
22-09-07, 11:55 AM
The government have decided to bring in English language tests for all new imigrants into the U.K.
At one recent trial of this new test, one gentleman was asked to provide a sentence with the words, green, pink and yellow in it.
After thinking about it for few seconds he replied: -
De telfone eet go GREEN GREEN, GREEN GREEN,
so I PINK eet up,
an go "YELLOW"
Bluewolf
25-09-07, 10:35 AM
Whilst tidying up her son's bedroom, a mother finds a seriously explicit S&M magazine under the bed.
Horrified she shows it to her husband and asks what they should do...
"Well I don't think you should spank him..." came the reply.
Fizzy Fish
25-09-07, 11:11 AM
The old ones are the best...
Five best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk:
5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
1. "Raise your head slowly and say "...in Jesus' name. Amen."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jDCxtC-yPw&mode=related&search=
tinpants
25-09-07, 06:52 PM
I had this emailed to me this afty...
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond?? Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... Built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't ********** very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a ******.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we Broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
thebluelion
26-09-07, 04:20 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jDCxtC-yPw&mode=related&search=
what you do hovis its says its removed naughty boy
what you do hovis its says its removed naughty boy
i guess you will never know;)
I watched it and I laughed my little socks off!
:)
fizzwheel
27-09-07, 12:39 PM
Moved to joke thread.
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff....
Badoom Boom Tshhhhhhh
therealvw
28-09-07, 01:54 AM
Young lad was about to play Show me yours and I'll show you mine with his little female neighbour. His mum caught him and told him off, saying that he shouldn't do that sort of thing. Asking why?, his mother replied, becuase down there on a girl, there isn't a little willy, there is a beast with ferocious teeth that will bite your hand off.
This affected the lad for years.
So much so that when he was 14 he was heavy petting with a girl. The girl decided she wanted things to progress a little further.
She asked him to put his hands down her pants.
The boy reeled back and a look of shock etched itself on his face. Seeing the effect her request broght on the lad she asked what it could be that had offended him.
He replied. I Won't put my hand down your pants as I might loose my hand to the monster down there. She looked upset and asked for him to explain.
So , he tod her that his mother told him about the monster with ferocious teeth living down there.
The girl was slightly relieved as she though she was the cause of his revulsion. She said to the boy, sorry but your mother is wrong, I can show you if you want.? The boy back ed up a little and said, NO, my mother is always right she would never tell me any lies.
The girl then decided, to show the boy, and said, Look stand over there and I'll pull my pants and knickers down and show you.
The boy backed up against the wall, slightly trembling that he will come face to face, so to speak , with this monster with ferocious teeth.
The girl undid her jeans, slid then down, and then slid her knickers down. She sat back and opened her legs!
See, she said, no monster with ferocious teeth!
The boy replied, No wonder it hasn't any teeth look at the state of those gums!!
Essex of Essex
28-09-07, 05:23 PM
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank!
he found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses "What next?"
When he returns, she beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start
to form in his eyes, and says,
"You mean... I can check my e-mails from here?"
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed….."YES, YES, I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub; living room; floor; No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?!" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
Answers from British Quiz Programmes:
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .. Mexico?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbour?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULTMelanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
Pedrosa
01-10-07, 11:29 AM
A Welsh bloke walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Look at the pig I have to sleep with when your not up for it." he anounces. "Idiot that's a sheep not a pig." His wife repliess scornfully.
" I was talking to the sheep." The man says triumphantly.:D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new video message has just been released by the Taliban to prove that Osama Bin Laden is still alive. In it he states that the Welsh rugby team are f*k*n ****e. British intelligence have dismissed it, saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last four years.
fizzwheel
04-10-07, 01:52 PM
Moved to joke thread
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver
when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last
shop
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she
dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked
about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and
shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I
hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in
the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you
ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock
care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What did you buy?"
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Blonde Goes In To A Garage To Have A Dent Repaired. The Garage Owner Sees An Opertunity For A Bit Of A Giggle. "thats Easy To Fix Love" He Says "go Home Undo The Petrol Cap And Blow Into It As Hard As You Can And It Will Pop Out"
She Thinks This Is Brilliant And Rushes Home To Try It Out.
A While Later Her Blonde Friend Is Walking By And Sees Her Friend Huffing And Puffing Into Her Petrol Tank.
"what You Doing?" She Asks
The First Blonde Explains What The Garage Owner Had Said And She Was Trying To Pop Out The Dent.
The Second Blonde Looks In Disbelief! "you Trying To Give Us Blondes A Bad Name? That Will Never Work! Your Wasting Your Time!"
The First Blonde Looks Up Sheepishly "why?" She Asks
"because You Forgot To Wind The Windows Up"!!!!
I've just got a new game for my playstation but it keeps crashing.
Bloody Colin McCrae Helicopter Simulator http://www.wvam.org.uk/forums/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
_drummer_
06-10-07, 04:26 PM
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
stevebetts
07-10-07, 07:50 PM
what is a curry fanatics favourite ring tone..................................RED!:smt037
(think about it)
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Before I let you into Heaven please tell me, have you ever done
anything of particular merit in your life?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Brecon Beacons in South Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling, "Now back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "That is so brave, when did you do this?"
"Just a couple minutes ago".
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Filipe M.
11-10-07, 02:15 PM
Clicky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go).
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
“What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
“Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
“What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
“Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
“I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’”
“As far as I’m concerned”
the drunk replied,
“any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!” :D
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Both Paddy and Murphy are sitting down discussing the terrible things that both their dairy farms have been through recently,
Paddy says "1st was the mad cow disease, then foot n mouth and now this bloody bluetongue, where will it ever end?"
"Bluetongue" replies Murphy "Bajayzus, i didn't realise cows could use mobile phones"
:smt045 i spank you :smt045
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen,this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
On the way to the station this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bugger,
He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said,
'I am not happy.'
So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
That's how the fight started...:D
My family are dwarves!!! Why is he poor cos he's a dwarf?
:smt097:smt097:smt097:smt097
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip
and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
YoungMan
16-10-07, 04:26 PM
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over any time I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says,
"Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
Jackhammer
16-10-07, 08:22 PM
BREAKING NEWS
============
Condom sales in France are at a record low; they have figured out that you only need one Johnny to #@$% 15 Frenchmen
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, ****ing stop it then!"
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "But everyone has some faults."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could beat the pros at golf.. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do
everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his bloody widow."
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked.
She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late and was on the
bus, when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
She loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do! How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock......................"
Works even better if you include the start of the joke ;)
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his work's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the bedside cabinet. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he sees a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Darling, breakfast is keeping warm in the oven, I left early to go to the supermarket to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Susan"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast in the oven, freshly ground coffee and the morning newspaper, his son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you were sick in the hallway, and then you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
# Broken Coffee Table £139.99
# Hot Breakfast £5.50
# Two Aspirins 59p
# Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS
Works even better if you include the start of the joke ;)
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub
your nipples
and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked.
She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late and was on the
bus, when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
She loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do! How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock..."
How do you get the cork back in the champagne bottle?
Ask an England supporter.
*ducks and runs for cover*
Wasn't funny but I read it in the newspaper today.
wyrdness
21-10-07, 10:17 AM
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil
That reminds me of my maths teacher who told the class a terrible joke involving a constipated mathematician and logs
Essex of Essex
26-10-07, 01:19 AM
Walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma.
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, “Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Jester666
26-10-07, 03:06 PM
PSML :smt046
AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! LOL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
MODS: If it's too close to the knuckle then delete this, but it does make amusing reading :smt023
Subject: Entries in Queen Mum's and Diana books of condolence
"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. Finally, we can look the people of New York in the face".
L.Ward, Mansfield.
--------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life. I will probably break that one too".
A.Christie, Hendon.
--------------------------------------------------
"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".
C.McKee, Bath.
--------------------------------------------------
"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are sh*t"
J.Clement. Grantham.
--------------------------------------------------
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
D.Holmes, Somerset.
--------------------------------------------------
"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She p*ssed herself later though, it was sickening".
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
--------------------------------------------------
"She was a marvellous woman, and an absolutely wonderful lover".
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
--------------------------------------------------
"I am absolutely devastated, we could at least have got the day off".
S.Wilson, Bristol.
--------------------------------------------------
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".
Major J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
--------------------------------------------------
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs".
E. Franks, Cheshire.
--------------------------------------------------
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
--------------------------------------------------
"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?"
W.Waugh, Richmond.
--------------------------------------------------
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads".
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
--------------------------------------------------
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".
N. Wallace, Swansea.
--------------------------------------------------
"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
--------------------------------------------------
"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
P.McGregor, Southampton.
--------------------------------------------------
"This is an emergency. We must do all we can. Send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything, now. Show them we care. Help those brave souls queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
--------------------------------------------------
"I have been unable to ********** for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried"
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
--------------------------------------------------
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell? I hope so".
R. Combes, Romford.
--------------------------------------------------
"I feel very sorry for Prince Charles inheriting the Queen Mum's dogs. He already has Camilla".
N. Venables, Dorchester
--------------------------------------------------
"No matter how she felt, no matter what the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard"
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
--------------------------------------------------
"I remember how she visited us in the East End. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'you know its not true, you people don't smell of sh*t really'. She was wondrous and always had a way with words".
E.Collier, London.
--------------------------------------------------
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".
G.Williams, West Midlands.
--------------------------------------------------
"She was one of us. By that, I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud, lied about expense claims or shagged around when she went away. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
--------------------------------------------------
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless *******!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
--------------------------------------------------
I'll never forget how she led the nation and London by example in the war. OK, so she had as much food, fresh too, and drink as she wanted, people to cook and serve it, no power cuts, constant hot water, was able to go away a couple of times, keep her kids with her and she had huge bunkers for safety and protection but that's a petty way to look at it.
H. Forse, Putney
--------------------------------------------------
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"
T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.
--------------------------------------------------
How right Gabrielle is when she sings, 'Dreams can come true'. I dreamt The Queen Mum died only a fortnight ago".
S. Robinson, West Bromwich
--------------------------------------------------
"I pray for her soul on the great journey to heaven. I also pray Dodi and Diana aren't driving around while she embarks on it".
B. Wilson, Bridgend
--------------------------------------------------
"Best wishes to the Queen Mum's servants and housekeepers for their futures Redundancy is always a bad thing but at least they won't have their boss around smugly saying how sorry they are like mine did to me".
J. Christer, Middlesborough
--------------------------------------------------
"No sex for more than 50 years? What a tragic waste of a life.
T. Knave, Halstead
--------------------------------------------------
"I offer my condolences to all of The Royal Family for this awful bereavement. But, even at such a sorrowful time, they are an example to us all. Be grateful for making pictures, interviews and the funeral available to the public rather than sign an exclusive deal with Hello or OK or pay-per-veiw tv. Those greedy b*stards have had it their own way for too long, it's about time someone fought back for the ordinary people".
F. Harewood, Cardiff
--------------------------------------------------
They say one man's loss is always another's gain so while I offer my heartfelt sympathies to The Queen for double loss, congratulations to Prince Phillip for no longer having a mother-in-law.
D. Wiltshire, Bournemouth
--------------------------------------------------
"I've lost my job, home, car, wife and best friend in the last 12 months. This terrible tragedy puts it all into perspective."
T. Dolman, Edgware
--------------------------------------------------
"Margaret and Elizabeth both gone in no time at all. Must save us a fortune Do I get a tax rebate?
H. Matthews, Colwyn Bay
DanDare
29-10-07, 01:44 PM
"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".
C.McKee, Bath.
That's gotta be the funniest thing I heard in ages!
Essex of Essex
30-10-07, 07:56 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
"When Diana died I shaved my balls... I'm not sure why".
C.McKee, Bath.
That's gotta be the funniest thing I heard in ages!:confused:
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new," answered the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady," he replied, "I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here."
Posted by Hovis where he knew better than to post it.... :p
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the European
Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as
'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year
when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi
bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali
kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey
vunted in ze forst plas.
Posted by Hovis where he knew better than to post it.... :pi was thinking of posting it in here.......... but i thought it more of a statement than a joke;)
i was thinking of posting it in here.......... but i thought it more of a statement than a joke;)
*snootles* :smt031
I agree with Hovis. That was quite a socio political philosophical concept definitely worthy of a much wider audience and contemplative and considered debate.
Nise to se the Nazi Mods stomping al over the proletariat ;)
:confused:Anorak fact: four americans have legally changed their name to Santa Claus...
tinpants
31-10-07, 06:41 PM
Apologies if this has been posted before but I had it sent to me on Facebook and I very nearly p*ssed myself laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
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