View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
You just ruined the joke for me because I read your reply first. I'm so disappointed :(
awww, poor baby!:rolleyes:
why did the mexican through his wife off the cliff?
.
.
Tequila
why did the mexican through his wife off the cliff?
Through what?
....
Dave20046
01-02-09, 06:03 PM
two johnny's walking down the street (both condoms) when they walk past a gay bar - one says to the other 'fancy going in there and getting shítfaced?'
sv-robo
01-02-09, 06:52 PM
two johnny's walking down the street (both condoms) when they walk past a gay bar - one says to the other 'fancy going in there and getting shítfaced?'
pmsl
missyburd
02-02-09, 12:22 PM
What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
What do you call a chav in a locked box? Safe.
What do you call a chav a filing cabinet? Sorted.
What do you call a chav in the shower? Rinsed.
Why is it a shame when 2 chavs in a saxo drive over a cliff?
A saxo has 5 seats.
sv-robo
02-02-09, 04:48 PM
Man says to wife"i fancy kinky sex,how about i c*m in your ear?"
Wife says"no i might go deaf"
He says"i've been c*min in your mouth for the last 20yrs & your still f***in talking!!
sv-robo
02-02-09, 04:51 PM
I was out enjoying an indian meal the other night,when the waiter came up to me and said "curryokay"
I said"go on then,just one song then f*** off!"
Dave20046
02-02-09, 07:02 PM
Man says to wife"i fancy kinky sex,how about i c*m in your ear?"
Wife says"no i might go deaf"
He says"i've been c*min in your mouth for the last 20yrs & your still f***in talking!!
There's a joke in its self
Mr Speirs
04-02-09, 12:31 PM
According to sources Jeremy Beadles **** is tiny....but on the other hand its massive.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Jam in
How do Bob Marley's friends like their donuts?
Hope they like jam in too
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best
feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."
One winter morning at breakfast a couple were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." then silence. The power supply had crashed! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
Kate Moss
11-02-09, 11:08 AM
> A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is
> it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
>
> The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
> number?'
>
> The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.
>
> The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse
> '
>
> After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I
> have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her
> blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her
> physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
>
> The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
> bless you for the good news.'
>
> The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
>
> The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!
Well! Australia said they wanted the Ashes....they certainly got the fukkas now!
Australian mega star Rolf Harris was asked to leave the scene of the Australian bush fires today as he was upsetting the mourners.
He was reported to be pulling the remains from the ashes and asking on lookers.................................
"Can you guess who it is yet?"
As a mark of respect, Australia has stopped brewing Fosters lager.......Well you wouldn't want a warm beer would you?
xXBADGERXx
14-02-09, 08:09 PM
That`s terrible <------ Said whilst trying to suppress a snigger
There's something wrong with my Jade Goody calender, it only goes up to March.
Too soon? :twisted:
Q. What's the collective noun for Bankers?
A. A Wunch
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks
again!'
Too soon? :twisted:
Harsh mate, harsh. As much as I agree with Clarkson's decription of her, I wouldn't wish what she's going through on anyone :smt051
Alfie Patten, the 13 year old has joined "Fathers for justice"
In a recent interview he said,
"It made perfect sense to join the group as i already have a Batman outfit"
Alfie Patten, the 13 year old has joined "Fathers for justice"
In a recent interview he said,
"It made perfect sense to join the group as i already have a Batman outfit"
:rolleyes: yup sure missed these bad jokes ;)
:rolleyes: yup sure missed these bad jokes ;)
not to disappoint you...
Where do pirates get their shopping?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargos!
Kate Moss
17-02-09, 04:07 PM
He Said, I Said
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fa rt!
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.
He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
one armed waiters eh? they can take it but they can't dish it out
Kate Moss
18-02-09, 03:15 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe, France, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. Eventually the American decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.
He arrived at Llanelli in Carmarthenshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'.
Stephen Hawking went out on a date last week I hear. She stormed off after 15 minutes. She didnt like his tone.
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can' t tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, I can't tell you, because you're not a monk :-)
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Little Something or other, and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside .......... Oh and remember not to mention the Hunting with Dogs Act.'
'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up.'
Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure. To the bewilderment of Brown and Darling people of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.
'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?
'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a labrador in this bar with two ar$eh0les'.
christ stingo! that was an elaborate set up!!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
very funny joke...
I'm in tears - help!!!:smt100:D:D:D:smt044:smt044:smt044:smt043:s mt043:smt043
_drummer_
25-02-09, 12:30 AM
The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
_drummer_
25-02-09, 12:31 AM
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out
_drummer_
25-02-09, 12:38 AM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry. Just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!”
xXBADGERXx
25-02-09, 12:40 AM
<------------ Has just laughed his head right off
_drummer_
25-02-09, 12:47 AM
The top 10 unintentionally worst company URL
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name
selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do
this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies
who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give
their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com (http://www.whorepresents.com/)
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com (http://www.expertsexchange.com/)
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net (http://www.penisland.net/)
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com (http://www.therapistfinder.com/)
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com/)
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com/)
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com/)
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com (http://www.cummingfirst.com/)
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com (http://www.speedofart.com/)
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com (http://www.gotahoe.com/)
missyburd
25-02-09, 12:54 AM
LOL, ace jokes drummer!
_drummer_
25-02-09, 12:56 AM
:takeabow: :mrgreen:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
Dave20046
25-02-09, 10:07 AM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
love it :)
kurtis.randle
25-02-09, 01:13 PM
hi how do you post your own posts please x
hi how do you post your own posts please x
Ask that kurtis.randle bloke, he just did :)
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husbands."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
have sex with him."
Women eh!
I came home from the pub the other night and my missus confronted me about having an affair with Rula Lenska, all because i had a red hair on my jacket.
Next night she accused me of having an affair with Posh Spice, all because of a brown hair on my jacket.
Then came the obligatory blonde hair on my jacket and accused of wrong doing again.
The following night i made sure there was naff all on my jacket.
She's only gone n accused me of $hagging Jade Goody.
Bluepete
26-02-09, 05:01 PM
:pukel:
:D
_drummer_
27-02-09, 12:29 AM
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his
desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very
jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without
pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the
king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story: Pay your bills!
_drummer_
27-02-09, 12:32 AM
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f***ing red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
stroppygob
27-02-09, 09:34 AM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe, France, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. Eventually the American decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.
He arrived at Llanelli in Carmarthenshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'.
No one who has been to Llanelli will find that amusing! Biggest hole on the planet Llanelli is. I should know...
Jade Goody has sealed yet another exclusive television deal,
She announced today that she'll be appearing in "Most Haunted" sometime in early April.
my girlfriend has fell out with me,
'cos i told 'er,
i want to kick her puppy.
still can not grasp,
predictive text!
Mr Speirs
03-03-09, 10:13 AM
I went to a Muslim Birthday Party the other day. Musical Chairs was boring but f**k me Pass the Parcel was quick.
Dave20046
03-03-09, 10:16 AM
I went to a Muslim Birthday Party the other day. Musical Chairs was boring but f**k me Pass the Parcel was quick.
lol that's an old'n...still good though :mrgreen:
Bluepete
03-03-09, 03:19 PM
http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk24/conker51/LiveLeak-dot-com-aac7ec422f6c-image.jpg
It has been announced today that as her last wish, Jade Goody would like to be cremated and her ashes be placed in little velvet purses.
Then everyone who attends the funeral can go home with there own Goody bag.
A disappointing day for Sri Lankan Cricket.
5 down before lunch and they're looking for a new coach.
dizzyblonde
03-03-09, 09:26 PM
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brainyourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eyecontact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
maths question.
what is 69+69
candle lit dinner for four!
what is 69+69
In a similar vein:
What is a 6.9?
If you want the answer then PM me - bit too coarse to post on here :rolleyes:
yorkie_chris
04-03-09, 05:13 PM
Is it hell... speak :-P
Is it hell... speak :-P
PM on its way...... ;)
Dave20046
04-03-09, 09:37 PM
http://www.tiscali.co.uk/media/images/galleries/music/worstxmassongs/originals/MrBlobby.jpg
:-dd
Isn’t it ironic that Jade Goody looks like an egg and will be in a box by Easter!!!
missyburd
05-03-09, 09:37 AM
lmho
is that short for "laugh my hat off" ? :-P
Dave20046
05-03-09, 09:52 AM
is that short for "laugh my hat off" ? :-P
No it's 'harse' he's posh :mrgreen:
ha ha
spiffing chaps
he he
Essex of Essex
05-03-09, 03:52 PM
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence lawyer during a trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
Dave20046
05-03-09, 06:25 PM
good'n would hope it's real
davepreston
05-03-09, 07:51 PM
have you hear the irish chatup line
your mum and dad must be retards
cos your special
Jade Goody, Patrick Swayze and Wendy Richards are to appear in panto at Xmas time....
"Oh No they're not"
Five secrets for a perfect relationship:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and whom would never lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It's absolutely fookin vital that these four bitches don't know each other.
missyburd
08-03-09, 11:02 AM
Five secrets for a perfect relationship:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and whom would never lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It's absolutely fookin vital that these four bitches don't know each other.
I put pretty much the same thing up for men a while back, got it on a magnet :-)
sorry MYC! ive looked at maybe 100pages randomly, didnt see anything similar, its a belter though eh!
missyburd
08-03-09, 12:09 PM
sorry MYC! ive looked at maybe 100pages randomly, didnt see anything similar, its a belter though eh!
Oh no I wasn't saying you shouldn't have put it up, just that it's far more applicable to men :mrgreen:
yorkie_chris
08-03-09, 07:50 PM
Gordon Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work.
he leadeth me beside still factories.
he restoreth my faith in the conservative party.
he guideth me to the path of unemployment.
yea, though I wait for my dole,
I own the bank that refuses me.
Brown has anointed my income with taxes,
my expenses runneth over my income,
surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
from hence forth we will live all the days
of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.
I am glad I am british,
I am glad that I am free.
but I wish I was a dog
and Brown was a tree.
.
Nicky S
09-03-09, 12:27 AM
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
_drummer_
09-03-09, 03:37 PM
Some old ones.......................................
There's this drunk bloke looking for a hooker he can get a feck off of.
He's in luck as he comes across a lady of the night who offers him a bit
of business. "How much is it?"
"Well if you want a rough shag its 30 quid, if you want a smooth one,
its 50"
the bloke looks in his wallet and goes "go on I ain't exactly flush
tonite, I'll have a rough one" so he pays up they do the business he
shoots his loads and starts getting ready to leave
"Out of interest luv" the bloke says "If I'd wanted a smooth one, what
would the difference have been?"
"Well... If you wanted a smooth one, I would have picked the scabs off
first!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and said, "Who
the f*ck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
As Ryanair flight RA327 approached Dublin number 1 runway,the tower
heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!
PILOT -Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat!!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too!!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I
can.
So as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus puts the engines in
reverse,puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to
pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screech, the
tyres squeal, and there's smoke everywhere, but to the relief of all
the passengers, and,not least of all Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft
came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway. As Paddy and
Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of
the window and said to Shamus: "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin
runway in deworld!" Shamus replied: "Yes, but da ya see how fookin
wide it is?"
Just had an arguement with the manager of blockbusters, i tried hiring "Slumdog millionaire"
But to my dismay it was a dvd of Jade Goody, when i complained he said i thought you wanted a dvd of "some dog with no hair"
Nicky S
09-03-09, 11:59 PM
Just had an arguement with the manager of blockbusters, i tried hiring "Slumdog millionaire"
But to my dismay it was a dvd of Jade Goody, when i complained he said i thought you wanted a dvd of "some dog with no hair"
thats good but so harsh
SoulKiss
10-03-09, 09:16 AM
2009 Women Drivers Awards
#10
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image001.jpg
#9
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image002.jpg
#8
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image003.jpg
#7
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image004.jpg
#6
http://http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image005.jpghttp://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image005.jpg
#5
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image006.jpg
#4
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image007.jpg
#3
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image008.jpg
#2
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image009.jpg
#1
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image011.jpg
http://78.86.112.120/com/chaoscrypt/pics/2009%20Women%20Drivers/image0011.jpg
Dave20046
10-03-09, 09:17 AM
awesome
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
Bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
Had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
Paying.) She finds the s3x is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room
By the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The clim@x is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is
Several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....
Scroll down.......................................
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Four-sprung Duck technique:D
yorkie_chris
10-03-09, 12:42 PM
](*,)
Lol!
A husband is at home watching a
football match when his wife interrupts,
'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.'
he looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? Does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'
'fine!'
then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right'
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have 'fridgidaire'
written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'
'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door? They are about to break'
'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead?
I don't think so! I've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'
so he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours.................
He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home
as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working
as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.
Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'
he said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'
she replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? I don't think so!'
missyburd
11-03-09, 09:36 AM
Haha good one Lily :-D
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids?
How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was, don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."
xXBADGERXx
11-03-09, 05:26 PM
Groan
Dave20046
11-03-09, 05:29 PM
seconded lol
Bluepete
11-03-09, 05:53 PM
Were they Fresians?
missyburd
11-03-09, 06:17 PM
Were they Fresians?
Dunno but could have done with being Jerseys, better insulated they are :D
_drummer_
11-03-09, 06:21 PM
3 girls are running from the cops across a field. There's a brunette, blonde and a red-head. They come to a barn and decide to hide in there to elude the police. When they get into the barn they notice three sacks and decide each one will hide in a sack. In the event that the cops do come in, they would just make some barn noise. So, all three are waiting and the police go into the barn and check it out. One officer sees the sacks and goes over to check it out. He goes to the one with the brunette in it and gives it a little kick. "Meow", says the brunette. "Aw it's just a cat." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the red-head in it and gives it a kick. "Woof", she says. "Aw, it's just a dog." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the blonde in it and gives it a kick. And the blonde says "Potatoes."
how do you give a dog a bone?
tickle its balls!
missyburd
11-03-09, 08:10 PM
This is a really geeky joke my mate told me this morning, that he made up, so apologise if you don't get the punchline...
[jamaican accent]
Back in the Ice Age, when times were a little chilly, two woolly mammoths were sat on a rock in Jamaica.
One says to the other, ""'Ere man, did it snow last night?"
Other one answers, "Yeah, Mastodon!"
[/jamaican accent]
(waits for "don't geddit" replies...)
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