View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones in a cemetry...
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy asks "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London".
:thumbsup:
dhustonedave
07-10-09, 01:10 PM
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones in a cemetry...
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy asks "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London".
:thumbsup:
i dont think thats true , well its not documented in the guinnes book of records so it could be made up.
sorry mate!
i dont think thats true , well its not documented in the guinnes book of records so it could be made up.
sorry mate!
:confused:
He lives miles away from London...
:confused:
He lives miles away from London...
#-o If you're going to explain it, at least get it right. ;)
It was a milestone, not a head stone at all so there was no "he".
#-o If you're going to explain it, at least get it right. ;)
It was a milestone, not a head stone at all so there was no "he".
My bad. O:) Sorry Stu
Ooh...blimey...I've started something now.:smt062 :D
how do bees get to school?...........
znq looɥɔs ǝɥʇ ɥɔʇɐɔ ʎǝɥʇ
xXBADGERXx
07-10-09, 05:12 PM
Stingo .......... Great Joke
Binky ................... DOH!!!!!!
Stingo .......... Great Joke
Binky ................... DOH!!!!!!
Pah. Screw the lot of you. :smt092 I NEARLY got the joke.
To make up, here's a ginger kid on a bicycle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEPyqxhBR1g
:smt028
sv-robo
07-10-09, 05:41 PM
Ouch!!,pmsl!!......red hair,red face to go with it,lol.
xXBADGERXx
07-10-09, 09:51 PM
Pah. Screw the lot of you. :smt092 I NEARLY got the joke.
To make up, here's a ginger kid on a bicycle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEPyqxhBR1g
:smt028
that`s just mean that nobody goes to help him up and carries on filming him , it`s horrible when your knocked for 6 like that and all you can smell is Chlorine and your own Blood . Not having a jab at you Binky , just the gits that didn`t help him .
DarrenSV650S
07-10-09, 09:54 PM
lol @ badger
wyrdness
08-10-09, 09:34 AM
52 things you would love to say out loud at work:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh!t.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you.. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
45. If you have something to say raise your hand..........then place it
over your mouth.
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
47.. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
51.. Don't believe everything you think.
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
_Stretchie_
08-10-09, 09:38 AM
how do bees get to school?...........
zznq looɥɔs ǝɥʇ ɥɔʇɐɔ ʎǝɥʇ
Is that a lancashire joke??
:p
Bluepete
08-10-09, 10:52 AM
Assoted Viz letters
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John
'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product. Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely ****ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?
They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the nameof Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and ****ed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
Pete ;)
Bluepete
08-10-09, 01:05 PM
Fun with pizza shop! (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=122_1254961391)
Pete ;)
Dave20046
08-10-09, 04:32 PM
Do hope this isn't a nazi post
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
(http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html)(browse the website they're all gems - know some have been posted so far)
http://www.27bslash6.com/grubby.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/flash.html
As part of their latest advertising drive, McDonalds send an executive to the Vatican City to meet the Pope. The executive finally gets to see the Pope, and explains his proposal.
"Holy Father", says the executive. "I come to you today with a most solemn proposition. I represent McDonalds, and would like to ask that in the prayer of Our Father, if instead of saying 'Give us this day our daily bread' you could change the words to 'Give us this day our Big Mac'. In return, our organisation will donate $10 million a year to the Holy Catholic Church."
The Pope sits in silence for a few minutes, and replies, "My child, you do understand that this is the Lord's Prayer you want to alter, the most revered and widely prayed of all Catholic prayers?"
"Oh yes Father," replies the executive, "but think of all the good that can be done with the money we are offering you." The Pope says "I must discuss this first with my council of Cardinals before such a decision can be made. I will get back to you in one month."
The following week, the Pope summons all of his Cardinals to the Vatican to explain the proposition.
"Gentlemen," says the Pope. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, a most lovely gentleman from McDonalds has pledged us $10 million a year, but first we must alter some of the words of the Lord's Prayer."
The Cardinals all beam with happiness, as one replies, "Holy Father, what is the bad news?"
The Pope replies, "We'll have to cancel our sponsorship deal with Hovis."
RIP you funny bread man.
even the Pope knew you.
Pete, shocked at the pony play avatar...
Laugh at the dumb people:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZnM6FCElP8&feature=related
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news; you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "LUCKY? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'VE GOT YELLOW 24."
"Well, I never," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!"
Kate Moss
09-10-09, 02:52 PM
yep...here it comes......
the tumble weed!
skeetly
09-10-09, 09:57 PM
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
Thingus
09-10-09, 10:03 PM
That made me laugh for a good 20 seconds ^.^
:rolleyes::rolleyes:
you've got a cheek, your jokes are worse than his...
skeetly
10-10-09, 08:04 PM
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like ten million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
' NO S*** .' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
_Stretchie_
12-10-09, 08:32 AM
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary......
Scoobs post
(like a Hitler post but funny :D )
First Scoobs tasers himself. Now Blueto as well :lol:
They are both from Portsmouth. Coincidence? ;-)
xXBADGERXx
12-10-09, 06:47 PM
I am doing my first Cage Fight next week .
That Budgie won`t know what`s hit it :)
xXBADGERXx
12-10-09, 06:49 PM
Stephen Gately gets to Heaven , and as he wanders up to the pearly gates he is greeted by a disappointed Michael Jackson .
"What`s up Michael?" Stephen asks .
Michael Jackson replies ......
"TUT.......... I was told somebody from the Boys Home was dead"
xXBADGERXx
12-10-09, 06:51 PM
Ronan Keating is said to be "Gutted" about the death of his former band mate Stephen Gately .
Louis Walsh has said that it is "A Terrible loss indeed"
Michael Barrymore has been overheard to say "Not Guilty"
Kate Moss
13-10-09, 08:56 AM
I walked past a mental hospital today. All the patients were shouting 13! 13! 13! The fence was roo high to see over, but i saw a little gap inthe planks and peeked through to see what was going on.
Some ****er poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting 14! 14! 14!
sv-robo
13-10-09, 03:16 PM
I walked past a mental hospital today. All the patients were shouting 13! 13! 13! The fence was roo high to see over, but i saw a little gap inthe planks and peeked through to see what was going on.
Some ****er poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting 14! 14! 14!
Lol,but.............
1st heard that about 10yrs ago:)
:rolleyes::rolleyes:
you've got a cheek, your jokes are worse than his...
How very dare you :smt066
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out i nto the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband..
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
punyXpress
13-10-09, 04:00 PM
Judge Judy to prostitute:
"So when did you realise you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears:
"When the cheque bounced."
wiggleit
15-10-09, 12:16 PM
3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from England a place called Newcastle. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
What did the Scottish epileptic get for Christmas?
a Wii fit
If you can't find the book you want...
then you are probably shopping at the....
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f318/tirelessboy/image0011.jpg
Some of you must have seen this:
Happy Splashing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RM3R5KPXGk)
The Police have now been informed though.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1220013/Driver-faces-prosecution-deliberately-soaking-children-puddles--posting-video-online.html
Thingus
17-10-09, 01:19 PM
I dun care how old you are, you know not to stand next to a bloody puddle... you're just asking for it!
I did it once but the kids literally DID ask for it so i obliged... not that fast though, was pretty evil and probs dangerous at that speed.
Spiderman
17-10-09, 01:33 PM
They were standing at bus top in the rain getting wet, so they got a little wetter. Big deal.
This has got to be the best comment from the driver tho.... 'If the kids weren't saying "Splash me, splash me", I certainly wouldn't have done it. I'm not a serial splasher.'
sv-robo
17-10-09, 06:09 PM
Stephen Gateley is going to be cremated in a tin foil coffin with the lid slightly open....
..........apparently thats the best way to cook faggots!!!!
There was a cow in the middle of the m1 last week. The road was closed until it was moo'ved out of the way. Meanwhile motorists were advised to take an udder route. The weather was quite cold so you could say the cow was fresian (bit like freezing). I sincerely apoligize but not that sincerely.
Thingus
17-10-09, 11:42 PM
How long were you on the toilet thinking about that joke?
I'll get your coat :D
And robo that's pretty nasty haha ^.^
speedplay
18-10-09, 06:09 PM
Paddy is doing a crossword and he turns to Mick and says "I'm stuck on one question, its a flightless bird of Iceland, 6 letters and 7 letters".
Mick says "you daft c*nt...........it's a frozen chicken"
speedplay
18-10-09, 06:13 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen
I was dressed to kill on Saturday night...
Beard, sandals, backpack, turban and long flowing robes.
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Another big flipping fail. ;)
http://www.todaysbigfail.com/view/20080831
xXBADGERXx
22-10-09, 04:42 PM
Another big flipping fail. ;)
http://www.todaysbigfail.com/view/20080831
I like the way he started the report with his hood down :shock:
Dear Grim Reaper,
You have been horrible this year. You've taken my favourite celeb Jade Goody, my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayzee and now my favourite singer Steven Gatley...............just to let you know my favourite twins are Jon and Edward.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, ?If GM had kept up with the
technology computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon.? In response to Bill?s comments, General
Motors
issued a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of
the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive?but would run on only five percent of
the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single ?This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation? warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, ?Are you sure??,
before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key,
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again,
because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
10. You?d have to press the ?Start? button to turn the
engine off.
A man goes into chemists and asks for a bottle of cyanide. Pharmacist:'I'll have to ask you why you want a bottle of cyanide sir'
Customer: 'I'm going to use it to kill my wife'
Pharmacist:' I'm afraid I can't supply you with cyanide for that reason sir'
The customer then opens his wallet and produces a photograph of his wife which he hands to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: 'oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise that you had a prescription'
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/sexline.png
wyrdness
26-10-09, 12:40 PM
Who are you calling Cupid?
http://imgrr.com/x/wyzpy.jpg
Spiderman
26-10-09, 05:40 PM
:lol: like that one.
Flamin_Squirrel
27-10-09, 08:38 AM
A man goes into chemists and asks for a bottle of cyanide. Pharmacist:'I'll have to ask you why you want a bottle of cyanide sir'
Customer: 'I'm going to use it to kill my wife'
Pharmacist:' I'm afraid I can't supply you with cyanide for that reason sir'
The customer then opens his wallet and produces a photograph of his wife in bed with the pharmacists husband which he hands to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: 'oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise that you had a prescription'
You missed a bit :cool:
xXBADGERXx
28-10-09, 06:52 PM
Makes sense now :)
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZXXKyfoT0JA/SRbTB3IhjLI/AAAAAAAAD90/HxQ2QkOViWw/s400/GARFIELD-LIFELINE.jpg
A typical bloke
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,
'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replied,
'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'F***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
smedley
01-11-09, 06:53 PM
lol
punyXpress
02-11-09, 09:44 PM
Subject: A Biology Lesson
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something
wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's havingBabies..'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced.
'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered , horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze ,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) .
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going t be okay?' my wife asked..
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ...um .**********. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its....its....teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more..
'That's enough,' I warned.. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards:$140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
Spiderman
02-11-09, 09:50 PM
Subject: A Biology Lesson
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something
wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's havingBabies..'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced.
'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered , horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze ,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) .
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going t be okay?' my wife asked..
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ...um .**********. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then
even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its....its....teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more..
'That's enough,' I warned.. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards:$140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story:
Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
i guess you have to be a yank to find this one funny?
Spiderman
03-11-09, 04:48 PM
:smt044:smt044:smt044
I'm curious now...is that cos of my comment or the joke itself??
it was the joke, it was funny its just you who doesnt get it!!](*,)
Not sure if this is a repost, but found it quite funny...
First of all, don’t shoot me.
Obviously this is not serious, and only banter :)
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of t1ts in there.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Milky Bar Kid
03-11-09, 07:57 PM
Brave....VERY brave Sally!! But made me chuckle!
Good, only for posted for giggles.. :)
Bluepete
04-11-09, 08:50 AM
Just to make you laugh, I love the way he appears to have been ejected from the bike!
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=dd9_1257297747
Pete ;)
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
xXBADGERXx
04-11-09, 05:26 PM
That made me Lucking Faff that did :)
Dave20046
04-11-09, 05:30 PM
love it
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
xXBADGERXx
05-11-09, 10:20 PM
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Apart from the Golf and the Scotch that is , very almost , perfection :smt047
punyXpress
05-11-09, 10:58 PM
That rang a bell!
Recognise yourself? Post #1 :
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
I did! ( apart from the fishing, hunting & golf which are all a waste of good riding time )
Copyright : A Hitler
Mr Speirs
06-11-09, 01:15 AM
Put your left leg over my shoulder....
Put your right leg over my shoulder...
Mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mm mmmmmmmm...
Put your left leg over my shoulder....
Put your right leg over my shoulder...
Mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mm mmmmmmmm...
WTF. I gave that one a pity smile. :rolleyes:
WTF. I gave that one a pity smile. :rolleyes:
you have to sing it to the tune of Side By Side...
Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money,
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we'll travel along
Singing a song
Side by side.
Spiderman
06-11-09, 05:35 PM
Put your left leg over my shoulder....
Put your right leg over my shoulder...
Mmm mmmm mmmm mmm mmm mm mmmmmmmm...
Reminds me of a comment i make about some of the hotties with great legs i see in soho....With legs like that i'd like to wear her as a scarf.
:)
DarrenSV650S
09-11-09, 06:44 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Half way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his c0ck off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
xXBADGERXx
09-11-09, 07:09 PM
Lmfao
thinone
12-11-09, 08:26 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Half way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his c0ck off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
chortle chortle
PsychoCannon
13-11-09, 12:36 PM
XD!!!!
The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"
sv-robo
17-11-09, 11:20 AM
Victor Umbongo,a little nigerian boy with no arms or legs has just become world fancy dress champion.....
......He had a piece of rope shoved up his ar$e & went as a conker!!
Hopefully this won't offend...........
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ..''British Weather..'
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'
In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.'
Hopefully this won't offend...........
'
far less offensive than the joke above IMO
Spiderman
17-11-09, 05:22 PM
far less offensive than the joke above IMO
agreed mate, that one is quite funny.
Victor Umbongo,a little nigerian boy with no arms or legs has just become world fancy dress champion.....
......He had a piece of rope shoved up his ar$e & went as a conker!!
Jayzuz robo, you know how to push my limits dont you mate :roll: I'm gonna let this one slide cos to my way of thinking a joke is a joke at the end of the day and as long as its delivered as a joke then i'll take it as one, cos you know how i feel about racist remarks on this forum.
To me your joke is simply in bad taste and not racist in its intent.
yorkie_chris
17-11-09, 05:35 PM
Bad taste jokes are the best ones!
Lets see... what have we got ... :smt033
sv-robo
17-11-09, 06:08 PM
Jayzuz robo, you know how to push my limits dont you mate :roll: I'm gonna let this one slide cos to my way of thinking a joke is a joke at the end of the day and as long as its delivered as a joke then i'll take it as one, cos you know how i feel about racist remarks on this forum.
To me your joke is simply in bad taste and not racist in its intent.
Twas only a joke bud,nothing more,nothing less(so hope thats how it's taken).......& no offence intended to anyone at all:smt017
Well, the following isn't a joke, but the news reporting style appears to be a) bad taste b) attempting to be humourous...so I guess it fits in with this thread:
http://cdn.cloudfiles.mosso.com/c54102/app14545131258454969.jpg
and, yes, apparently it *is* a real headline.
Well, the following isn't a joke, but the news reporting style appears to be a) bad taste b) attempting to be humourous...so I guess it fits in with this thread:
http://cdn.cloudfiles.mosso.com/c54102/app14545131258454969.jpg
and, yes, apparently it *is* a real headline.
i love the way under th picture it shows the guy as shafted!:p
skidmarx
18-11-09, 04:42 PM
agreed mate, that one is quite funny.
Jayzuz robo, you know how to push my limits dont you mate :roll: I'm gonna let this one slide cos to my way of thinking a joke is a joke at the end of the day and as long as its delivered as a joke then i'll take it as one, cos you know how i feel about racist remarks on this forum.
To me your joke is simply in bad taste and not racist in its intent.
To me it's beyond bad taste, you all sure you want that joke there for posterity? Just delete the joke.
vBulletin® , Copyright ©2000-2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.