View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
xXBADGERXx
12-08-10, 08:48 PM
I feel really bad about crushing up contraceptive pills into my Grandmothers food
But I don`t want to get her pregnant
Again .
Jayneflakes
13-08-10, 10:15 AM
My favourite one liner ever...
Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape!
Dave20046
13-08-10, 01:38 PM
so true!
you can say what you want about paedophiles,but at least they drive slow past schools...
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anxiety.png
I was chatting to a young lass at the bar the other night and said
"If I can prove to you that I've your name tattoo'd on my c0ck will you give me a Blowjob ?"
she agreed and I showed her this photo :0)
http://a.imageshack.us/img202/9214/pluckedcock1.jpg
I gave my missus her 1st orgasm last night, stroppy cow spat it out!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
13-08-10, 06:00 PM
Is there any bigger feeling of complete relief than when you pick your Laptop up from the Repair Shop and the police are not there waiting for you?
I gave my missus her 1st orgasm last night, stroppy cow spat it out!
Now that I did laugh at.. Cheers... :0)
http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2010-08-13.gif
xXBADGERXx
14-08-10, 03:31 PM
That`s weird , I just got a phone call from Death asking me to top some kid ?
death by badgers... so you were bringing a mate?
xXBADGERXx
14-08-10, 03:41 PM
I was just gonna spray my Dog Black
Don't forget to spray the dangley bits...
Otherwise it won't look like the Dogs Bollox
ba bum tish...
coat, taxi 4 1..
andrewsmith
14-08-10, 10:31 PM
Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa
Dad says: 'Don't worry son I'm filling mummy with Petrol!!!'
Son replies 'She doesn't do many miles to the gallon then dad. Uncle Dave filled her up this morning'
apple have cancled their plans for a new product...
apperantly "I Touch Kids" isn't a good product name!
Bluepete
15-08-10, 08:36 AM
apple have cancled their plans for a new product...
apperantly "I Touch Kids" isn't a good product name!
But they have aanounced plans for a Police specific model.
The I-Plod.
Pete ;)
andrewsmith
15-08-10, 09:03 AM
But they have aanounced plans for a Police specific model.
The I-Plod.
Pete ;)
I thought it was the I-Clod Pete
followin on from the sick jokes yesterday
Some kids were having an argument in the park about how tough their dad was. One kid said,
"My dad's so hard, he can rip a phone book in half!" Another said that,
"My dad's so hard, he can punch through the wall!"
After a few minutes, they had all had their say on how hard their dad was except little Susie. One of the kids asked her,
"So Susie, how hard is your dad?" To which she replied,
"It depends on what I'm wearin"
The I-Plod.
Reminds me of one-liner from the (much-missed) jonboy (aka Admin2) when (the much-less-missed) Richard Brunstrom started making available his sermons via the web......
The Plodcast :lol:
Spiderman
15-08-10, 01:03 PM
RIGHT YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT, YOU THINK THAT LURKING IN HERE MEANS NONE OF US MODDLY TYPE CREATURES SEE YOUR BYPASSING OF THE SWEAR FILTER......WELL WE DO!
NOW BEFORE ME OR ONE OF THE MORE SCARY STICK CARRIERS HAS TO START GIVING OUT POINTS LET ME SAY THIS..... AND LISTEN CAREFULLY AS I SHALL ONLY SAY IT ONCE....
STOP BYPASSING THE SWEAR FILTER IN ORDER TO POST RUDE(ISH) JOKES. SOME OF THE MOST CRASS JOKES DONT EVEN HAVE SWEARS IN EM SO I'M NOT GONNA CENSOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR BUT I WILL GIVE POINTS FOR CONTINUOUS BYPASSING OF THE SWEARS FILTER.
ONE WARNING, THIS IT WAS IT. ANYONE WANTS TO RISK SOME POINTS THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F AND THE NUMBER 3.
a
Spiderman
15-08-10, 01:04 PM
RIGHT YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT, YOU THINK THAT LURKING IN HERE MEANS NONE OF US MODDLY TYPE CREATURES SEE YOUR BYPASSING OF THE SWEAR FILTER......WELL WE DO!
NOW BEFORE ME OR ONE OF THE MORE SCARY STICK CARRIERS HAS TO START GIVING OUT POINTS LET ME SAY THIS..... AND LISTEN CAREFULLY AS I SHALL ONLY SAY IT ONCE....
STOP BYPASSING THE SWEAR FILTER IN ORDER TO POST RUDE(ISH) JOKES. SOME OF THE MOST CRASS JOKES DONT EVEN HAVE SWEARS IN EM SO I'M NOT GONNA CENSOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR BUT I WILL GIVE POINTS FOR CONTINUOUS BYPASSING OF THE SWEARS FILTER.
ONE WARNING, THIS IT WAS IT. ANYONE WANTS TO RISK SOME POINTS THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F AND THE NUMBER 3.
a
Spiderman
15-08-10, 01:05 PM
RIGHT YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT, YOU THINK THAT LURKING IN HERE MEANS NONE OF US MODDLY TYPE CREATURES SEE YOUR BYPASSING OF THE SWEAR FILTER......WELL WE DO!
NOW BEFORE ME OR ONE OF THE MORE SCARY STICK CARRIERS HAS TO START GIVING OUT POINTS LET ME SAY THIS..... AND LISTEN CAREFULLY AS I SHALL ONLY SAY IT ONCE....
STOP BYPASSING THE SWEAR FILTER IN ORDER TO POST RUDE(ISH) JOKES. SOME OF THE MOST CRASS JOKES DONT EVEN HAVE SWEARS IN EM SO I'M NOT GONNA CENSOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR BUT I WILL GIVE POINTS FOR CONTINUOUS BYPASSING OF THE SWEARS FILTER.
ONE WARNING, THIS IT WAS IT. ANYONE WANTS TO RISK SOME POINTS THEN GO RIGHT AHEAD.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER F AND THE NUMBER 3.
a
davepreston
15-08-10, 01:20 PM
one warning i read 2 ;)
Spiderman
15-08-10, 01:24 PM
theres actually 3 dave, its for the hard of remembering ;)
you many points before you win a prize?
'toon checked for swearage...
http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2010-08-14.gif
andrewsmith
15-08-10, 08:23 PM
Close to the line and may result in 5 points
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting Zoo
http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2010-08-15.gif
andrewsmith
16-08-10, 01:37 PM
haha nice 1 razor.
where u gettin them frm?
_Stretchie_
16-08-10, 01:58 PM
Jesus only had three fingers.....
Must be from the west country!
west country is 6 fingers amirite?
What does a penis and a bible have in common?
Both get rammed down your throat by a Catholic priest.
when i was in basic trainning my troop SGT said 'I didn't see you in camoflage trainning today smudge'
Reply: 'thanks sarg'
this has to be filed under "joke" (admittedly its american...):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbAeBm7d-BM&feature=player_embedded
yes officer, we will drive carefully....
andrewsmith
19-08-10, 05:20 PM
Meanwhile In Yorkshire...
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my dog.
Meanwhile In Yorkshire...
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
See it's already wrong. Dust? in Yorkshire? Splatters of mud perhaps... :p
yorkie_chris
20-08-10, 08:50 AM
It wouldn't even get halfway across field!
Say what you wat about David Cameron, but when it comes to fighting terrorism he doesn't fook about.
Last month he said he was going to "Flush the Taliban out of Pakistan"
He stood by his word.
McDonalds will soon be issuing a burger for the Pakistani monsoon victims.
With every burger sold they will send a raincoat to each victim of the disaster.
The new "Paki Mac" will be on sale as of Monday.
punyXpress
20-08-10, 10:53 AM
Not sure if this should be in " For Sale " . . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!
andrewsmith
20-08-10, 11:29 AM
See it's already wrong. Dust? in Yorkshire? Splatters of mud perhaps... :p
It wouldn't even get halfway across field!
what like this!!!1 :smt044
Xgl4bGNU1dE
Tom_the_great
20-08-10, 11:32 AM
From my fav app(sickipedia) :
They say exposure to the sun casuses aging of the skin , but i think its ********.
ive just come back from africa, it was sunny as **** and none of the locals look a day over 25.
I got asked yesterday by a good friend
"Why do you keep beating your wife up ??"
I pondered on his question for a while then replied.
"I put it down to my height and weight advantage,longer reach and fancy footwork"
Well it's A-Level result time this week.
The government have released a statement that they are extremely disappointed with the Pakistani results this year, with the majority of them below C level.
xXBADGERXx
21-08-10, 08:30 AM
There l was ! being polite and asked the pretty girl at the bar if she'd like to dance ? Ok the music was loud ! she looked at me and said ''It wasn't her taste in music'' and why would she want to dance with me ?
Slighty shocked by her reply , l looked at her and said ''sorry love ! you must have mis-heard me , l said you look fat in those pants'' .
hindle8907
21-08-10, 06:56 PM
Three men died and stood in front of God. *
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven. *
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car. *
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car. *
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. *‘What's the matter?’ *‘I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!’*
From the fringe
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
Q. Who's the number 1 soul Iraqi soul singer?
A. Kurdish Mayfield
Q. Who's the number 1 soul Iraqi soul singer?
A. Kurdish Mayfield:D
Q. What do you call a girl with 2 dicks?
A. N-Dubz
xXBADGERXx
23-08-10, 05:29 PM
Q. What do you call a girl with 2 dicks?
A. N-Dubz
Amen to THAT , runts of the litter ...... the lot of them
Q. What do you call a girl with 2 dicks?
A. N-DubzClassic :lol:
Some Tim Vine jokes (Some of them look a little like Tommy C jokes)
THE QUICKFIRE GENIUS OF TIM VINE
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....
"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!
"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"
"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"
"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"
"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "
"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "
"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'
"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'
"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."
"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"
"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'
"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "
"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."
"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."
"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"
"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."
"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"
"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"
"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"
"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"
"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
DarrenSV650S
23-08-10, 06:16 PM
:lol:
Yeh some of those are definitely Tommy Cooper
There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ...
The police believe they're still at large.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
23-08-10, 09:04 PM
Weak
Cymraeg_Atodeg
23-08-10, 09:08 PM
I hate people who say they're "bending the truth" when they're lying.
That's like me saying I'm "bending the age of consent" on weekends.
hindle8907
23-08-10, 10:39 PM
Lol I like that 1 ^^
two drunk men visit a brothel..The madam takes one look at them and says:
"put inflatable dolls in the bedrooms, they're two old and drunk to notice"
During the walk home, the first man says:
"do you know what, i think mygirl was dead.
she didn't move or say owt."
the second guy says: " could be worse, i think mine was a witch."
" A witch? why do you think that?"
"well, i gave her a little bite on the ****, she farted in my face,
and flew out the window."
As told to me by my 13 year old son.
Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
And if he’s on holiday, who’s the next coolest person in the hospital?
The hip replacement guy.
Why did the blonde jump off the cliff!?!?
She thought her maxi-pad had wings....
Jamesy D
24-08-10, 04:34 PM
As told to me by my 13 year old son.
Who’s the coolest person in a hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
And if he’s on holiday, who’s the next coolest person in the hospital?
The hip replacement guy.
That took me some time to get, but it's pretty good!
DarrenSV650S
24-08-10, 10:12 PM
She slowly stroked the p*ssy, lifted the flap, and threw the f***er in the bin.
I was walking past the shops today when I saw an advert in the window
"Brand new HD TV £5 due to volume being stuck on full"
I thought: I can't turn that down
BanannaMan
25-08-10, 02:09 AM
Somewhat in bad taste but....
What do call the string on a tampon?
bloody yank
She slowly stroked the p*ssy, lifted the flap, and threw the f***er in the bin.
I was walking past the shops today when I saw an advert in the window
"Brand new HD TV £5 due to volume being stuck on full"
I thought: I can't turn that downStop with the Tim Vine jokes. I posted a shed load :lol:
Local businesses in Pakistan are reporting an upturn in fortunes
Bar owners are saying their regulars are drifting back in
punyXpress
25-08-10, 10:22 AM
Yeah, but they're odds on favourites for a clean sweep of the swimming medals in 2012
minimorecambe
25-08-10, 09:32 PM
Birdwatching - The acceptable way to shout thrush, ****, swallow and great tits in public!
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?There's only one Bender in Futurama.
I hate the sob stories that the X Factor judges have to endure."My wife's left me, nobody likes me."
"Ashley, I'm working!"
Lady Ga Ga has been asked why she uses that name instead of her own.
Apparently, 'Geoff' doesn't have the same ring
During her company's periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password:
GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix
When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital."
Whats the problem with that lady putting the cat in the bin??.........Top Cat lived in a bin for years
andrewsmith
25-08-10, 09:43 PM
A lad comes home from school with two black eyes.His dad says:"What the f**k have you been doing!?"Lad - "A boy hit me with a piece of wood"Dad - "You should have stood up for yourself son, did you not have anything in your hands?Lad - "Yeah... his girlfriends t*ts"
The dead MI6 agent found dead in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Sheppard.
He is thought to have been stabbed 1st, zipped into a bag and placed into a hot bath.
Police are treating it as a boil in the bag sheppards spy.
Cornish
26-08-10, 04:12 PM
this may not suit everyone.. dont mean offend anyone..
there is a film being made about jade goody..
its called 1 wedding, four weeks and a funeral.
Apparently Gary Glitter is on his way to Chile.
When he heard that 33 miners were helpless and trapped it was too good an oppurtunity to miss.
Cuffy, you crack me up mate.
Cant see what all the fuss is about myself. Top Cat lived in a feckin' bin for years and nobody said anything....
Dicky Ticker
27-08-10, 12:31 PM
Countries are sending aid to Pakistan but as normal the Irish have to be different
Sending Michael Flatley to teach them to River Dance
Dicky Ticker
27-08-10, 12:36 PM
There's something I need to tell you all but it is really hard to say
"Ken Dodd's dad's dog is dead"
There's something I need to tell you all but it is really hard to say
"Ken Dodd's dad's dog is dead"
there's a variation on that joke
"did you know Ken Dodds Dads dog's died"
"did he?"
"no, Doddy"
Mighty Boosh
27-08-10, 06:13 PM
Black prostitute, Manchester United fan, gets tatoo of Rooney and Ranaldo on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her punter Paddy "if you can guess who they are you get a free shag".
Paddy looks left and right and says "i dunno who those ugly buggers are but the one in da middle wit da fat lips and curly hair is Rio Ferdinand".
Mighty Boosh
27-08-10, 06:30 PM
Gay Paddy, big boxing fan, gets tatoo of Mike Tyson on his left butt cheak and Frank Bruno on his right butt cheak.
Paddy's gay lover Mick arrives home and Paddy says "suprise" whilst pulling his pants down and bending over the kitchen table.
Mick bursts into tears and wails "oh dear god no..no..NOOO."
Paddy says "whats wrong Mick"
Mick says "if you think i'm getting in da ring between those two, you're crazy".
metalhead19
27-08-10, 09:37 PM
Bit harsh but still.....
Have you heard the rumors or a giant shuttlecock running round sainsburies?!
Turns out it was just jade goody in her wedding dress
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!
Joke
:D Very good my friend, do you remeber the joke below. ;)
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'****ing get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the ****ing manager of this pig **** middle class wankhole please...
you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your poxy advert in the ****ting window and I'm here to audition.....******.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just ****ed your daughter, and now the bitch is blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'You're a ****..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the **** you get **** on your bell-end.'
I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice tits".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'**** it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently:
'I ****ing wrote it!!!'
**** fill with your own expletives :D Oh and blame Cap'n Stingo for this, he sent it to me.
andrewsmith
29-08-10, 10:10 AM
are you trying to shift blame cuffy
those jokes are both epicly funny
Indeed I do Cuffy - my all time fave...:D
xXBADGERXx
29-08-10, 10:28 PM
Oh Cuffy , I read that and the bit that stuck in my head was in the first line "One Unemployed Afternoon" ..... that tickled me for some reason
Newsflash...Somerset have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets at Taunton next Thursday!
Cymraeg_Atodeg
01-09-10, 08:33 PM
I wonder what the carbon footprint is of a suicide bomber who is holding hostages and having taken over a building, thus causing the police to bring along loads of vehicles, all the news services being there and of course the helicopters hovering around now.
Someone should tell the guy in Maryland it is probably bad for the environment
DarrenSV650S
01-09-10, 09:56 PM
My teenage son tried to kill himself today. I got to the hospital to find him in bed and said "Why?"
He said "Because I failed all of my exams last week."
"And now attempted suicide." I said, shaking my head. "Is there anything you're good at?"
DarrenSV650S
01-09-10, 09:58 PM
There once was a man called Hawking.
Who got very bored of walking.
He got on a scooter, attached a computer.
And now it does all of the talking.
DarrenSV650S
01-09-10, 10:11 PM
I gave my pet bird a haircut. Now he thinks he's James Bond
He's certainly a shorn canary....
DarrenSV650S
01-09-10, 10:13 PM
I recently got a job at the local park cleaning up leaves.
I'm raking it in
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:26 AM
For sale £30
Virgin
2 Years Old
Never really been touched
How gutted was i when i realised this was a mobile phone ......
Owenski
02-09-10, 09:34 AM
boooooo
andrewsmith
02-09-10, 09:41 AM
booo u may be spider'ed 4 tht 1
gruntygiggles
02-09-10, 09:43 AM
Oooh, that's a risky one Hindle!
Can't see why, no swearing in it ;)
hindle8907
02-09-10, 09:28 PM
bahh..... seen worse on here ....
have we gone past the stage of sick jokes ? lol
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