View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
gruntygiggles
05-11-10, 09:33 AM
The Republicans in the US have just announced that they will be making it harder for people to claim benefits
They will now only be printing the forms in English!
The Republicans in the US have just announced that they will be making it harder for people to claim benefits
They will now only be printing the forms in English!
Heard this, but UK version with david cameron yesterday.
Was most amusing!
Owenski
05-11-10, 02:53 PM
The mafia needed a new collector of fees from all the local businesses they were "protecting". Feeling a rise in heat from the police they decided to use a deaf guy to make the collections, knowing if he were to get caught they'd never be able to communicate with him. A few weeks into his job the deaf collector has picked up over 50k but is getting greedy and decides to keep some money for himself.
Quickly the mafia figure out he's skimming off the top and bring him in for a little chat, questioning the deaf collector prooves useless as they're hired heavy cant communitcate with the deaf guy so they bring in an interpreter.
Ask him where the money is, says the heavy to the interpreter.
The deaf man replies through the interpreter "I have no idea what you're talking about"
Pulling out a large handgun and pointing it at the deaf guy the heavy repeats his question, so again the interpreter signs "where is the money?"
The deaf guy signs to his interpreter. "Its all safely hidden inside the 3rd tree from the 48th street entrance to the park"
The interpreter says to the heavy "He still says he doesnt know what you're talking about, and he also thinks you dont have the balls to pull the trigger"
davepreston
05-11-10, 02:55 PM
lol
im nicking that one mate clasic
Owenski
05-11-10, 03:01 PM
A man hadn't been feeling too great to goes to visit the doctor. He gets a full check up including some fairly invasive attention, and awaits the results. Finally the doctor comes in, looking quite somber. "Im afraid I have some very bad news" "you're dying and dont have much time left".
"OH NO! Thats terrible news, how long have I got?" Pleads the man.
"Ten" Replies the doctor
"Ten, Ten what? Years, Months, weeks...."
"Nine"
"WHAT? "
"Eight"
"Seven"
"Six"...
storm rider
06-11-10, 10:55 AM
What do donkeys get for there dinner at Blackpool ?
The same as the donkeys at Morecombe...... half hour!!
minimorecambe
06-11-10, 11:01 AM
#-o
A lady in a library wanted a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
minimorecambe
06-11-10, 11:02 PM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent
for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the undertaker pulled back the
sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better
roll him over.'
The undertaker rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't
Bubba..'
The undertaker thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt
up
Roll him over.'
The undertaker rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't
Bubba..'
The undertaker asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two *******s...
'What? He had two ass holes?' asked the undertaker.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Bubba with them two ass holes
minimorecambe
06-11-10, 11:09 PM
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes like Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
andrewsmith
07-11-10, 10:41 AM
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes like Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
Haha Soo true
How many screws are there in a lesbian's bed?
None!
It's all tongue and groove!
DarrenSV650S
07-11-10, 01:41 PM
:lol:
andrewsmith
07-11-10, 02:16 PM
http://forums.sv650.org/images/smilies/icon_lol.gif
tactcom7
09-11-10, 07:42 AM
Anyone got that call of duty african-american ops yet?
I don't get the Ethiopians and Kenyans.
Running a 26 mile marathon... piece of p***! But ask them to walk 5 miles for water... winge, winge, f***ing winge.
-frankie boyle-
Bluepete
09-11-10, 12:08 PM
The Irish arm of Al Qeada have claimed resposibility for driving a cement truck off a bridge onto a commuter train in Surrey.
Police believe it was a suicide mortar attack!
Pete ;)
gruntygiggles
09-11-10, 12:27 PM
Two blondes are stood on either side of a lake. The frist blonde shouts to the second blonde, "how do I get to the other side of the lake?"
The second blonde shouts back, "You ARE on the other side of the lake" :-)
Bluepete
09-11-10, 12:32 PM
Apple have announced a new product, just for women. The I-Tit will be a breast implant that plays MP3's.
Women's groups are said to be very pleased as they are sick of men looking at their chests and not listening to them.
Pete ;)
davepreston
09-11-10, 05:21 PM
The Irish arm of Al Qeada have claimed resposibility for driving a cement truck off a bridge onto a commuter train in Surrey.
Police believe it was a suicide mortar attack!
Pete ;)
lmao
davepreston
09-11-10, 05:21 PM
The Irish arm of Al Qeada have claimed resposibility for driving a cement truck off a bridge onto a commuter train in Surrey.
Police believe it was a suicide mortar attack!
Pete ;)
lmao
Biker Biggles
09-11-10, 05:25 PM
The Irish arm of Al Qeada have claimed resposibility for driving a cement truck off a bridge onto a commuter train in Surrey.
Police believe it was a suicide mortar attack!
Pete ;)
You got any concrete evidence?
davepreston
09-11-10, 05:38 PM
the driver had burnt lips from the exaust,
but the defence will show he used a satnav to mitagate
Why do women get married in white?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So they match all the other kitchen appliances!
.................................Taxi for B1k3R :smt039
What do you call a Mexican peeping tom?
Senor Minge
:lol: Keith you are still a legend
:lol: Keith you are still a legend
you doubted me?! :o
gruntygiggles
11-11-10, 02:26 PM
Grammar is everything. Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse!
andrewsmith
11-11-10, 02:29 PM
:lol:
metalangel
11-11-10, 03:35 PM
Grammar is everything. Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse!
You and your mate Oliver are walking down the street when (insert porn star/actress/hot girl's name here) jumps out in front of you and tears her clothes off.
Do you take the top half, the bottom half, or all of her?
Being British, we'd probably form an orderly queue...
barwel1992
11-11-10, 04:23 PM
^ that
You and your mate Oliver are walking down the street when (insert porn star/actress/hot girl's name here) jumps out in front of you and tears her clothes off.
Do you take the top half, the bottom half, or all of her?
All of her, esp if it's holly willoughby!
Dave20046
11-11-10, 09:28 PM
eSSLaLKgSek
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSSLaLKgSek
As just featured on have I got news..
andrewsmith
11-11-10, 09:33 PM
lol just seen it :lol:
well they normally get away with it
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
barwel1992
12-11-10, 09:01 PM
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
pure class
The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
Bitch.
Pedrosa
13-11-10, 03:05 PM
What do you call a Mexican peeping tom?
Senor Minge
Living in Spain listening to spiccos all day long. That had me chuckling in a right old schoolboyish way. Nice one Keith.
I just got off the phone to the rape advice line, apparently it's just for victims.
xXBADGERXx
14-11-10, 11:27 AM
I just got off the phone to the rape advice line, apparently it's just for victims.
Bwahahahahaaa
I just spent the last half an hour laughing my 'arris off watching a classic episode of 'The Goodies', it was the one where Jade tells her mum that she's dying.
xXBADGERXx
14-11-10, 04:36 PM
Too far
Too far
Not just that one in my view.
U-rating chaps and chapettes ;-)
My wife thinks our son is at that age when he's going to start asking for expensive designer clothes.
Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, Fred Perry, Tommy Hilfiger.
Luckily, I know he's gullible and buy him clothes from 'Mat Alan'.
Not just that one in my view.
U-rating chaps and chapettes ;-)
Seriously?
It's only as rude as your imagination makes it. No swear words, or profanity. Just the seeds of explicitness.
gruntygiggles
14-11-10, 11:32 PM
Seriously?
It's only as rude as your imagination makes it. No swear words, or profanity. Just the seeds of explicitness.
U- rating covers offensive material as well. Thing is, different things can be offensive to different people :confused:
It appears that women are actually turned on by us men driving badly.
I was tailgating a young lady on the M25 the other day and when she eventually pulled into the middle lane to allow me to go past, she intimated by her hand gesture that she really wanted to w**k me off.
Dirty girl!
gruntygiggles
15-11-10, 09:25 AM
It appears that women are actually turned on by us men driving badly.
I was tailgating a young lady on the M25 the other day and when she eventually pulled into the middle lane to allow me to go past, she intimated by her hand gesture that she really wanted to w**k me off.
Dirty girl!
:cool:
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 10:14 AM
U- rating covers offensive material as well. Thing is, different things can be offensive to different people :confused:
well they can't get as bad as it did a while ago!
Guys n girls.
Yes agreed what is offensive to someone may not be to others. What you do have to think of, is that yes, we still have some members younger people looking on here. So just be mindful of the level of humour as it may be repeated in a school playground. Thats is all :) It doesnt need any more discusion.
So as you were
For the record, i laughed, sick as it was...but im wrong when it comes to humor
gruntygiggles
15-11-10, 10:56 AM
Guys n girls.
Yes agreed what is offensive to someone may not be to others. What you do have to think of, is that yes, we still have some members younger people looking on here. So just be mindful of the level of humour as it may be repeated in a school playground. Thats is all :) It doesnt need any more discusion.
So as you were
For the record, i laughed, sick as it was...but im wrong when it comes to humor
+1 and yes, I giggled a bit too...and grunted!
fizzwheel
15-11-10, 10:56 AM
Just been reading back through the last page.
I have to agree, lines been crossed there so no more of that style of joke or I'll pull the whole thread.
tactcom7
15-11-10, 11:04 AM
Not really a joke just something that happened to me the other day.
Got overtaken by a young lady who obviously disapproved of my driving style, rather than give me the classic 'you're a w@nker' hand gesture, she used her thumb and index finger, as if to suggest i was some kind of 'tiny w@nker'. I'm still boggled as to how she knew??
Biker Biggles
15-11-10, 11:32 AM
Did I miss something?
metalangel
15-11-10, 11:55 AM
All of her, esp if it's holly willoughby!
Apart from her giant, malformed head.
(also, read the joke aloud)
"Now that doesn't look like a foot"
Thought the sock.
fizzwheel
15-11-10, 06:25 PM
Just a quick warning, I will shortly be locking this thread. It'll be purged and then a new one started.
Which is a good excuse for you to recycle all of Cuffys jokes ;-)
After discussion amongst the mods any future jokes which are a bit close to the bone, or in no way shape or form U rated, will get pulled. You have been warned.
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 07:06 PM
I promise to behave next time round
gruntygiggles
15-11-10, 07:24 PM
Just a quick warning, I will shortly be locking this thread. It'll be purged and then a new one started.
Which is a good excuse for you to recycle all of Cuffys jokes ;-)
After discussion amongst the mods any future jokes which are a bit close to the bone, or in no way shape or form U rated, will get pulled. You have been warned.
Coolio :-)
Time to get in the really sick jokes than before it gets pulled...:lol:
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 07:59 PM
V start us will you please
No way. My jokes are evn more sick than whats been poseted. One of which actually got my mate into trouble!
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 08:03 PM
I'm going to hell in a hand cart as it is.
Could always link to one of Hovis's threads
No way. My jokes are evn more sick than whats been poseted. One of which actually got my mate into trouble!
Do enlighten us... :D
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 09:38 PM
:lol:
http://www.nochucknorris.com/
andrewsmith
15-11-10, 09:39 PM
When Chuck Norris jumps from a building, the concrete commits suicide.
When Chuck Norris jumps from a building, the concrete commits suicide.
Reminded me of seeing/reading this...
http://colt-rane.com/wp-content/uploads/4657053554_ccf901edb5_o-1024x682.jpg
Sifting through a design and photography site i stumbled across this http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/7QOfDs/colt-rane.com/the-gates-of-hell-have-officially-opened/ :rolleyes:.
Where did you get that pic of my ex wife?
After his poor display Saturday the World Boxing Council are thinking about witholding Audley Harrisons purse.
And his handbag
And his make-up
I just saw Audley Harrison down at the local off licence and he ordered two bottles of rum, a bottle of brandy, three bottles of Martini, a bottle of whisky and some fruit juice.
I think he was trying to learn how to make a punch.
I braked really hard, but still hit the car in front.
A cute girl got out and shouted ''Ram me up the a*$e why don't you?''
This your Honour is where the confusion began . . . .
andrewsmith
16-11-10, 08:37 PM
:lol:
squirrel_hunter
22-11-10, 10:36 PM
I'm trying to arrange going out with Bonnie Tyler for a coffee.
I've suggested we go to Starbucks or Costa, but she keeps turning the offers down.
I think she's holding out for a Nero...
gruntygiggles
22-11-10, 10:38 PM
I'm trying to arrange going out with Bonnie Tyler for a coffee.
I've suggested we go to Starbucks or Costa, but she keeps turning the offers down.
I think she's holding out for a Nero...
3 minutes and I'm still giggling!
Worst thing is, I'm two sofa cusions away from you, but you told me to read it on here...lol
xXBADGERXx
23-11-10, 05:11 PM
A Horny and Fat housewife in stockings and high heels puts on a cape . She bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "SUPERPUSSY!!!!" . He takes one look at her and says "I`ll have the soup!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw1Sg6Fz1MI&feature=related
hindle8907
24-11-10, 02:29 PM
Call of Duty.
C.O.D
Cause Of Divorce
Lets be honest though Ant - Lads nowadays should be choosing their partners on the fact of whether or not they like C.O.D :D
andrewsmith
24-11-10, 03:35 PM
Lets be honest though Ant - Lads nowadays should be choosing their partners on the fact of whether or not they like C.O.D :D
your on your own there mate. I pick on different things
Owenski
26-11-10, 03:10 PM
How does every ethnic joke start?
By you looking over your shoulder.
Bluepete
26-11-10, 07:55 PM
http://chzupnextinsports.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/funny-sports-pictures-tokyo-sandblaster.jpg
andrewsmith
26-11-10, 07:57 PM
:lol:
That looks wrong any way you try to cut it
tactcom7
27-11-10, 10:45 AM
I love the word 'frequently', I try to use it as often as I can...
Bloke walks up to a chubby woman in a bar, gives her a wink, and says "Hi love, have you got a pen?"
She blushes and answers, "yes!"
The guy smiles and says, "well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realises you've got out".
punyXpress
29-11-10, 10:50 PM
Schiklgruber Post ? :
FITNESS FOR MEN
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week
andrewsmith
29-11-10, 10:52 PM
:lol:
That makes me chuckle no end
metalangel
01-12-10, 09:35 PM
Heard it before. The guy's a moron. He could at least keep going with each program until he catches each girl :p
A chicken & an egg are in bed. The chicken is smoking a fag & looking very pleased with herself, just like the she'd won something in her life.
The egg is sulking.
Well on that Bomb Shell ... Then that question answered then!
Bluepete
02-12-10, 04:13 PM
Go to this Google
http://www.google.at/
Type
can I
results 3 and 6!
Pete ;)
wyrdness
02-12-10, 04:20 PM
Go to this Google
http://www.google.at/
Type
can I
results 3 and 6!
Pete ;)
Results 3 and 6....
When can I use... Support tables for HTML5, CSS3, etc (http://caniuse.com/)
Songtext: The Corrs - What can I do Lyrics (http://www.magistrix.de/lyrics/The%20Corrs/What-Can-I-Do-3813.html)
Hilarious one, Pete. Keep 'em coming.
Results 3 and 6....
When can I use... Support tables for HTML5, CSS3, etc (http://caniuse.com/)
Songtext: The Corrs - What can I do Lyrics (http://www.magistrix.de/lyrics/The%20Corrs/What-Can-I-Do-3813.html)
Hilarious one, Pete. Keep 'em coming.
I did that initially - he means from the suggestion box that drops down...
Also try putting
"Is it wrong"
as well :)
Pete - just wrong! :smt103
wyrdness
02-12-10, 04:35 PM
I did that initially - he means from the suggestion box that drops down...
Also try putting
"Is it wrong"
as well :)
Pete - just wrong! :smt103
Ah, he didnt' say that. He said "results".
And the answer to both is obviously yes :wink:
andrewsmith
02-12-10, 05:15 PM
That is just wrong!
Grant66
02-12-10, 07:31 PM
If every body selects the pregnant dog option, can we get it to number one :-/
daveangel
02-12-10, 09:29 PM
I bought an advent calendar off a Jehova's Witness the other day, Yesterday I opened the first door on it, there was 3 of them stood there. . .
I'll get me coat. .
Funny that, when I opened the door on my Jehova's advent calendar all I found behind it was a bloke telling me to **** off!
punyXpress
06-12-10, 10:44 AM
I'm having Bernard Matthews' turkey for Christmas - he won't be needing it.
store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS
"That's nice" she thinks, "but I want more".
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING.
"Wow," she thinks but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.
Please Note: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
andrewsmith
06-12-10, 12:34 PM
Please Note: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
:smt044
thats a gem Keith!!
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