The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[missyburd]

These were actually sold in the shops before someone noticed the label and recalled the products :D

http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z41/cuffy44/untitled.jpg

called back because they've spelt his name wrong right? :smt043

[DanDare]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the
> > Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is the glorious winner:
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
> > victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber
> > James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
> > the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
> >
> >
> >
> > And now, the honourable mentions:
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
> > meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a
> > claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent
> > out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and
> > he also lost a finger.
> > The chef's claim was approved.
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
> > car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> > woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
> > driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
> > transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
> > his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
> > everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
> > the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
> > excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
> > The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
> > serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
> > received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
> > see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
> > counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
> > the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
> > the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
> > fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
> > got from the drawer . . .
> > $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
> > crime committed?)
> >
> >
> >
> > 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
> > decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
> > window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
> > heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and
> > hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor
> > store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
> > videotape.
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a
> > man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
> > woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
> > Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
> > car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
> > and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
> > officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
> >
> >
> >
> > 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
> > into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun,
> > and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
> > open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
> > rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
> > frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
> >
> >
> >
> > 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
> > parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
> > Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
> > motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
> > admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
> > the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
> > declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
> > had.

[DanDare]

Feeling Old???????

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, t he old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[cuffy]

Subject: UK v USA v OZ Police

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?



Answer:

Pose the following question:



You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?'



UK Police Officer's Answer:

1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

2) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

3)Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

4)Could we run away?

5)Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

6)What does the law say about this situation?

7)Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

8)Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

9)Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

12) Should I call 9-9-9?

13) Why is this street so deserted?

14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?

15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Australian Officer's Answer:





1)BANG!





----------------------------------------------------------------------



American Officer's Answer:



1)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!



Click....(sounds of reloading)



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!



Click.



Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

[yorkie_chris]

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

Lmao!

[Stingo]

Christmas cake recipe.

Ingredients: 1 cup water; 1 tsp baking soda; 1 cup sugar; 1 tsp salt; 1 cup brown sugar; lemon juice; 4 large eggs; nuts; 1 bottle vodka; 2 cups of dried fruit.

1. Sample vodka to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl.
3. Check the vodka again to be sure it’s the highest quality; pour 1 level cup and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat it again. At this point it’s besht to make sure the vodka is shtill ok.
7. Try another cup just in case.
8. Turn off the mixerer.
9. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
10. Pick fruit off the floor.
11. Mix on the turner.
12. If the fried druit get stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
13. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
14. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who givshz a sh*t anyway?
15. Check the vodka.
16. Now shift the luicey jemon and strain your nuts.
17. Add one table.
18. Add a spoon of sugar or somefink. Whatever you can find.
19. Greash the oven and pi$$ in the fridge.
20. Turn the cake tin 360° and try not to fall over.
21. Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer.
22. Finally, throw the bool throught the wondow.
23. Finish the vodka and kick the cat.
24. Fall into bed, if you get that far!

:drink:

[wyrdness]

The 2007 Darwin Awards (the real ones, not the fake ones posted yesterday)

Announcing the new, the beloved, the 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS!

" Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution,
the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool
by accidentally removing themselves from it. "

This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE
independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports
from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof.
In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named
supports. Duh! This year brought us 16 jaw-droppping nominees,
not counting new nominees for previous years and Near Misses
(AKA Honorable Mentions) which I will cover in the next ish.

Enjoy the stories of the winners... and be glad you're not one!

~ Wendy

THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS WERE SELECTED FROM 17 NOMINEES:
========================================
What Goes Up Must Come Down (8976 votes) 80%
The Enema Within (4252 votes) 80%
Support Group (3728 votes) 78%
Weight Lift (2191 votes) 78%
Stop. Look. Listen. (1763 votes) 77%
Beer for Bears (2225 votes) 76%
Mole Hunt (5366 votes) 75%
A Prop-er Job (4431 votes) 74%
Oil Tank Trampoline (5737 votes) 74%
Cow-ard (38 votes) 72%
Barn Demolition (3336 votes) 71%
Superior Momentum (2112 votes) 71%
Elephants Press Back (1249 votes) 71%
Electronic Fireworks (3620 votes) 70%
Fatal a-Traction (52 votes) 68%
The Laptop Still Works! (1172 votes) 57%
Fatal Foaming Action (1443 votes) 49%
========================================
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2007.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,"
remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old
computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California
while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and
was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer
still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-12.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by
playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail
the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of
midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named
Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on,
as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # THREE:

BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle
a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of
bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped
through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full
barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between
the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun
and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull
of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a
consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at
demolishing the barn.

(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have
come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html

Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from
beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases,
the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to
eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the
mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to
a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man
stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the
Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before
venturing onto the property.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old
deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise.
Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of
clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators
eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building:
two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new
meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped
metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the
roof," Sgt. McCants said.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...

THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often
used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces,
right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed
out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be
absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove
himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication
of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be
described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said
they were surprised to learn of the incident.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html

[Stig]

A very unusual way to crash a bike:
http://www.break.com/index/driver-loses-bike-on-highway.html

If I'm not mistaken, it was the driver of the car that was shooting that video. There did not seem to be anyone else in the car. WFT was HE doing :?: :shock:

[tigersaw]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property , and you are not coming
over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said,

'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. we settle
small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first,

I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old
fart. now it's my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the
duck.'

[yorkie_chris]

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of
Afghans,Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans,
Albanians,Bosnians,Turks and Scousers were asked if they thought Britain
should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

[TOY40]

Chinese baby story


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The


nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,


white baby boy.


"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.


"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled


father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make


a white, so I think we will name him...



are you ready for this???



are you sure you are ready??



Well....here it comes...













Sum Ting Wonghttp://www.biker.ie/forum/images/smilies/lbhbh.gif http://www.biker.ie/forum/images/smilies/lbhbh.gif

[morillo]

how do you turn a fox into an elephant..... marry it:)
whats the difference between a battery and a woman.... a battery has a positive side.;)
how do you make 5 pound of fat look good...... put a nipple on it.:D
what should you give a woman who has everything...... a man to show her how to work it.:smt045

[dizzyblonde]

HEALTH ALERT- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS

there is a dangerous new virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

this virus is called wearily-overload-recreational-killer(work)If you recieve WORK, from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else by any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT> this virus will wipe out your private life completely


If you should come into contact with work, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest supermarket.Purchase the antidote known as WORK-ISOLATING-NEUTRALISING-EXTRACT(wine) or bothersome-employer-eliminator-rebooter(BEER).Take the antidote repeatedly until all WORK is completely eliminated from your system

[Defender]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the pi$$!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"

[Defender]

Newcastle Utd chairman Mike Ashley was coming out of Eldon Square shopping mall when he noticed an elderly lady struggling with five or six large shopping bags.

"Can you manage love" he called out

Push off I don't want the job" she replied

:D

[Defender]

http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/7616/techsupin2.jpg

[cuffy]

Old but funny, one too keep the ladies amused.


Eight Words with Two Meanings1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.He said . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have timeHe said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.He said . .. . Why aremarried women heavier thansingle women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Pedro68]

Keegan signs Wright-Phillips SHOCKER!

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii224/pedro68_photos/6tzpwf9.gif

[Swiss]

Keegan signs Wright-Phillips SHOCKER!

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii224/pedro68_photos/6tzpwf9.gif

Very Good lol

[Richie]

SMART ARSED ANSWERS


6th PlaceIt was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:


'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in


the front row.


'What are my choices?' the man asked.


'Yes or no,' she replied.



5th Place


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.


As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened


his trench coat and flashed her.


Without blinking an eyelid she said,


'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



4th Place


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's


store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.


She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'


The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



3rd Place


The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped


for speeding.


'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.


The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'


When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way


without a ticket.



2nd Place


A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.


A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'


Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck


under it.


Cars are backed up for miles.


Finally, a police car comes up.


The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said


to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'


The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of


petrol!'



SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's


final exam.


'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here


tomorrow.


I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,


or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses


whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and


utter sexual exhaustion?'


The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.


When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,


shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write


with your other hand'.

[embee]

Words of wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[Stingo]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,

"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[Jabba]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

[colinsv25]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."

haha quality like that:smt045

[Stu]

That was helpful, bringing together a load of jokes all randomly dispersed in different posts above in one handy bite sized post :thumbsup: ;)

[Swiss]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it..... Its a f**king ar5sh0le!!!

[Kinvig]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone
bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll
answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[Kinvig]

"Two tourists were driving through Wales.....

At llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, they stopped
for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where
we are... very slowly?"
.
The blonde waitress leaned over and said,

"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

[Kinvig]

Man walks into the doctors and says, 'Doctor, last night I dreamt I wrote "The Hobbit". And the night before that I dreamt that I wrote "Lord of the Rings"'.
"Hmmmmm," said the doctor. "I think the problem is you're Tolkien in your sleep."

[Kinvig]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Kinvig]

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop

[Bluepete]

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking B******x.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually nothin in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in
your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

[Bluepete]

I'm one of the 55. Are You?Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in th e rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt !

[grh1904]

I'm one of the 55. Are You?Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in th e rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt !

Hooray I am one of the 55 - stops to think,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,




















:confused::confused: Is that good or bad:confused::confused:

[grh1904]

Post appeared twice for some daft reason, so removed the second one.

[DanDare]

Toilet Humour
The Perfect Dump.

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (a.k.a. the Japanese Flag).
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the bowl look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor,
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ba***rd just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump.
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Encore Dump.
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing?
Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

[Bluepete]

Blonde's Year in Review:
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, bac k into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[Stingo]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals passing by:

King Kong, Ape, Orangutanand aMonkey
They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the banana. Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 10 seconds Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.



























....






If your answer is ....

Orangutan = Dumb
Ape = Foolish
Monkey = Idiotic
King Kong = Stupid


Why ?????


A Coconut tree ........ doesn't have bananas!!

It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!

[Swiss]

http://www.headgear.org/~cloyce/moto-motivation/

[flibble]

Generally I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I must admit that this one is important:


If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.
I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

[vixis]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
http://by108w.bay108.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.162.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d4976f0c7-9f90-455a-9870-4e182d3b80b8.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDIyLmpwZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d 0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aB96759B6F0D24 D5D873B867322834D19%2540Wacome&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.206&d=d3821&mf=0 You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
http://by108w.bay108.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.162.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d4f52f7ab-5eb0-4659-b2e3-3119f826d074.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDMzLmpwZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d 0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aE8579E654E164 5AB84AF277C64AE6AB3%2540Wacome&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.206&d=d3821&mf=0
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is
'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
http://by108w.bay108.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.162.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d9af7ac41-6609-41d4-bd00-cb4e3d73ad0e.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDQ0LmpwZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d 0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a436F52327E894 DB491CB2DF88A79EAC8%2540Wacome&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.206&d=d3821&mf=0
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not ' BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case
of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8.He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED'.

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

[Stig]

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?












Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.








2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?









Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

[Stingo]

Jeremy Beadle is being cremated next week, it will be the subject of a documentary called “you’ve been flamed” After the funeral there will be a finger buffet, his wife will need a hand though!!

:cheers:

[Pedrosa]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50..............











"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Pedrosa]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace this call.

If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no-one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.

[Viper]

I OWE MY MOTHER






1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.


"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."






2. My mother taught me RELIGION.


"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."






3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.


"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"






4. My mother taught me LOGIC.


" Because I said so, ! that's why."






5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .


"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."






6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.


"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."






7. My mother taught me IRONY


"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."






8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.


"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."






9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.


"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"






10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.


"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."






11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.


"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."






12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.


"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"






13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.


"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."






14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.


"Stop acting like your father!"






15. My mother taught me about ENVY.


"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."






16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.


"Just wait until we get home."






17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.


"You are going to get it when you get home!"






18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.


"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."






19. My mother taught me ESP.


"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"






20. My mother taught me HUMOR.


"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."






21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.


"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."






22. My mother taught me GENETICS.


"You're just like your father."






23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.


"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"






24. My mother taught me WISDOM.


"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."






25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.


"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Pedrosa]

A guy driving through the New Forrest one evening knocks down and kills a deer. He gets out and inspects it and decides he will take it home and the family can enjoy the meat.

He arrives home and tells his wife what has happened and she agrees that it would be a shame to waste such good meat.

The day arrives when they are having the first meal including their venison. The parents decide not to tell the kids what animal it is off,but if they guess then they will admit it.

The family are all sat at the table beginning to tuck in when one of the kids asks what is this meat as he doesnt think he has tried it before. "I will give you a clue." says his father..."It's something that mummy sometimes calls me."
















"Uuurgh,don't eat it ,"screams out the boy....."!it's a f*cking a+sehole!"

[sv-robo]

Jeremy Beadle has requested his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back in early autumn with 'Watch out Beadles a Sprout'

[Mike2165]

Americans - You had it your own way too long

In view of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It
will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[Pedrosa]

Newly married couple enter in to the bridal suite at their hotel. He quickly tears his trousers off and throws them to his wife saying.."Put those on."

Thinking this a little bit odd but willing to comply she sets about pulling the trousers on. But they are way too big for her.

"I can't wear your trousers,they are way too big for me." she tells him.

"Exactly!" he anounces,"and for the record it will be me who will wear the trousers in this marriage and not you!"

With that she removed her knickers and throws them to him...."Ok, put those on she says." Playing her along he tries to put them on but finds that they will not even go past his calves.

"There is no way I can get in to your panties." he says.


"No,and that is how it will remain until your attitude changes!"

[DanDare]

Russian Customs Officials take a break

http://webmail.ntlworld.com/agent/mobmain/image012.jpg?msgvw=AFQAHgACADIAAwBvABUAKAAHAHYAYQA WAHIAOAA6AAoAAABOAEMAfQA1AHwAUgAIAHoANgAVAD8AGgB4A AYAXw

[ooger]

A tramp walks into a jewellers, drops his trousers, bends over and starts touching his rear exit.

Shop assistants are instantly horrified and ask him to leave immediately.

Tramp shouts "MAKE UP YOUR MIND!" and points to a sign in the window

.........

"Come inside and pick your ring in comfort"




;-) (Thankyou, goodnight)

[Stingo]

Wife FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....



'Only when he's been drinking.'

[magicrat]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended.
Officer: May I see the owner's documents for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too

[Stu]

– Why do you call it a kilt?

– Because we kilt the last bloke who called it a skirt - the Scotsman replied...

[magicrat]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
















A carrot!

I'll get my coat...

[Stingo]

AUNTY SHARON


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.


The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to
market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'


'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'



'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'



'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then
she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'



'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'



'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the pi$$.

:thumbsup:

[Stingo]

The Ferrari team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme to employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. This move would give Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However - Ferrari got more than they bargained for!


At the new crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse crew able to change all four wheels in under six seconds, but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for ten cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of David Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[skint]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
> They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
> He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
> They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's
> Jesus!"
>
> Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
> Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
> pint of bitter.
> Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
> pints slowly, one after another.
> After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
> He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
> Guinness.
> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
>
> "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
>
> Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
> go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
>
> "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
> Miracle."
>
> Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
> disability benefit."
>
> ``````````````
>
> A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
> counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
>
> The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing.
> We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
> chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
> You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
> provided.
> The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.
> You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
> The Basic Salary is ?500,000 a year".
>
> The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!?!"
>
> The man behind the counter said "Well, sir, you started it!"
>
> ```````````````
>
> Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
> object was discovered inside a parked car.
>
> It later turned out to be a valid tax disc.

[cuffy]

NEWSFLASH:

Gazza been sectioned under the mental health act and sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery.




















"We're glad to see him back" Said Keegan :D

[Blue_SV650S]

Q: Why don't women fart??

A: Coz they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the pressure!!

:takeabow: :D

[Mike2165]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

[tinpants]

Words of love

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he
whispered,eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck, f*** off.'

[tinpants]

WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS
Part Ihttp://uk.f860.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/uk/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3270_10220355_29071_1709_163597_0_38233_2169 36_546513635&bodyPart=5&YY=78480&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=7
Part IIhttp://uk.f860.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/uk/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3270_10220355_29071_1709_163597_0_38233_2169 36_546513635&bodyPart=3&YY=78480&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=7

Part IIIhttp://uk.f860.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/uk/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3270_10220355_29071_1709_163597_0_38233_2169 36_546513635&bodyPart=6&YY=78480&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=7

Part IV http://uk.f860.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/uk/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3270_10220355_29071_1709_163597_0_38233_2169 36_546513635&bodyPart=4&YY=78480&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=7< FONT face='Courier New' size=7>

Part V http://uk.f860.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download/uk/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=3270_10220355_29071_1709_163597_0_38233_2169 36_546513635&bodyPart=2&YY=78480&y5beta=yes&y5beta=yes&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&Idx=7

[grh1904]

" One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

[cuffy]

Subject: Pope Benedict in America

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope , "the vatican never let me drive when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.

I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exitingthe airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going one hundred and five.

"So bust him." says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"










Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope."

[hovis]

40 scousers turn up at Heaven's Gates. When St Peter comes out he tells them that theres only room for half of them so they'll have to go away and discuss who's coming in and who's not. After coming back out minutes later to see what they've decided, he runs back into God and says "They're gone!!!!" God replies "What?? All 40 of them??" St Peter "NO, THE ****ing GATES!!!!"

[Luckypants]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Sunderland, parts of
Bradford and also in Guernsey in the Channel Islands.

[Speedy Claire]

WHAT`S WITH ALL THE SCOUSE JOKES?????



http://uploads.bikechat.net/Speedy Claire/j0433821.png

[Stingo]

WHAT`S WITH ALL THE SCOUSE JOKES...

Ay? Ay? Ay?




Corrected for you Speedy....:D;)

[Speedy Claire]

lol.. tis ok i`ve "calmed down" now... have slipped into my shell suit and am sipping my cherry B and cider :D

[hovis]

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

--------------------

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

[cb5_keith]

What do you call a cow with no legs??








Ground beef...
:jocolor:

[steve.s]

DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[steve.s]

Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."

[wyrdness]

A pregnant Irish girl phones home,

"Mam oi tink me waters hav broke"

"Oh holy jaysus, where are ya ringin from?"

"Oim ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles!"

[hovis]

The Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.


Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.

The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media they all love me".

"Wonderful", says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day.Your father got shot in the street and robbed,your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has been kidnapped, all while you were having such a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?"

"Sorry?!!!" says his Mum."It's your fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place"!!

[mister c]

Bloke says to his Wife "Why dont you ever tell me when you have an Orgasm"
Wife replies "I don't like ringing you at work!"

[wyrdness]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!


What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw*t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

[Razor]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor,but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See, I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, Darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Jabba]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London .. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

[wyrdness]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[missyburd]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
lol! although I resent the use of my name :smt017 :lol:

[Viney]

lol! although I resent the use of my name :smt017 :lol:What? Tony????

[missyburd]

What? Tony????

er no, guess again! :p

[Viney]

er no, guess again! :pMama? Virgin?

[missyburd]

Mama? Virgin?
Nope, neither of those! You're stumped aren't you :lol:

[gettin2dizzy]

hairy-chest?

[missyburd]

hairy-chest?
no, hairy legs would be more likely but not at the moment! :smt101

[Stu]

I thought the joke was about MissAlpinestarshero myself:smt102

[missyburd]

it might be, two Marias you see :-D

[yorkie_chris]

it might be, two Marias you see :-D

Two of you, you say?

[missyburd]

Two of you, you say?
No hun, you wouldn't want two of me I think one is bad enough :p

[cuffy]

An England rugby training session was stopped earlier today after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the training field.

Head coach Brian Ashton immediately suspended practice and called in the police to investigate.

Forensic experts determined the white trail unknown to the players was indeed the try line.

[cuffy]

In the Inverness job centre a man see's a vacancy for a gynaecologists assistant, he asks for the details and is thrilled to learn that his duties are to prepare the ladies as follows.
1) Remove patients underwear.
2) Wash and shave the ladies nether regions if required.
3) Massage oil onto shaved area.
Salary £55k per annum. Company car, 25 days holiday a year.

He applies and the clerk in the job centre told him to go to Plymouth.

"Is this where the vacancy is based?" asks the bloke.

No came the reply, "thats where the f*****g queue ends"

[cuffy]

David Blaine was gutted yesterday on hearing his record for doing sod all in a box for 44 days was smashed by Newcastles Michael Owen.

[_Stretchie_]

Ahhh, the Cuffy ones are the best ones..

[hovis]

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.


Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.


'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.


The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'


'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'


So the driver went off to the nearby farm.


A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.


'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.


'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.'


'Just what the hell did you say to them?'


'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow

[cuffy]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking
around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It
had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner
replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.' The tourist gave
the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of
blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing
and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the Bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were
all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah,
you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a poof, a Chelsea supporter and anything French!'

[blue curvy jester]

due to their poor perfomance in this yrs 6 nations the english team have to find a new sponser

unfortunatley their favorite choice had to pull out

the company chair sir Rchard Branson said :-

" you can't have VIRGIN across your shirt when you go out and get ****ed every weekend":cool: