View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Just wrote a letter of complaint to network rail regarding an anouncement at my local station.
A voice came over the tannoy and said "Do not stand over the white line as there is a chance you'll get sucked off"
That's 4 hours of my day wasted.
punyXpress
17-03-10, 05:05 PM
Just wrote a letter of complaint to network rail regarding an anouncement at my local station.
A voice came over the tannoy and said "Do not stand over the white line as there is a chance you'll get sucked off"
That's 4 hours of my day wasted.
Waiting over that white line never worked for me either!
You're not alone.
Bluepete
17-03-10, 06:22 PM
Caught you at last Cuffy!
That's an old Jim Davidson joke!
Pete ;)
Bluepete - what's up with your profile pic!!! I feel violated, my eyes are bleeding x
Bluepete
17-03-10, 06:52 PM
Bluepete - what's up with your profile pic!!! I feel violated, my eyes are bleeding x
I'm shy and didn't want you to see my face...
Pete ;)
timwilky
18-03-10, 09:40 AM
Paddy goes to confession
Bless me father.... For the past 6 months I have been having sex twice a week with Fanny Green. Gets 6 hail mary's and sent on his way.
Next in is Murphy
Bless me father.... For the past 4 months I have been having sex three times a week with Fanny Green. Gets 9 hail mary's and sent on his way.
This leaves the priest puzzled. who is this temptress seducing his parishioners?
Next week and sunday service, in walks this stunning blond. fit as an egg and twice as runny, she is dressed in a green jacket, green micro skirt, matching green stiletto shoes and bag.
The priest is mesmerised by this beauty and whispers to his alterboy
"Is that Fanny Green?"
"No father" is the lads reply. "It is just the reflection from her shoes"
timwilky
18-03-10, 09:50 AM
Old Tom has been seeing Betty from the old folks home for some time, they are far too old for sex. But to pleasure him, Betty would sit by him everyday and hold his penis.
One day, Tom is not there in his usual place so off she trots round the home looking for him. Suddenly she spots him in the room of a new resident. The scoundrel he is sat there, the new woman is hold of Tom in the way only Betty would.
Horrified at his wandering ways. She demands to know of him.
"What has she got, that I haven't"
His reply
"Parkinsons"
squirrel_hunter
18-03-10, 10:19 AM
Men, my attention has been drawn today to a recent medical study:
Apparently if a woman drinks 2 glasses of red wine she is more likely to have a stroke.
However if you buy her the whole bottle chances are she'll suck it for you as well.
punyXpress
18-03-10, 10:32 AM
I'm shy and didn't want you to see my face...
Pete ;)
Reckon it's why some of the ladies are feeling distinctly unwell, meself! ;)
http://www.fastas****couriers.co.uk/
The F.A.F. website obviously doesn't have a swear filter.
See. Happy endings all round, apparently they let him go as he couldn't churn out enough Man Utd shirts an hour :D
How were you able to predict this so long ago? :-k
How were you able to predict this so long ago? :-k
It's a gift i have Stu, along with being a comedy genius :smt045
Caveat: Just for the record, I have never seen a suit case with £100k in it. Neither have i been to Paris or Nortern Spain....recently.
this could get deleted for not being exactly U rated....
DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the *******.
DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.
DAY 16: The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.
DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!
kieranmacdonald
19-03-10, 09:26 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those that don't...
I'll get me coat...
Dave20046
19-03-10, 09:32 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those that don't...
I'll get me coat...
I find pressing f5 refreshing...
kieranmacdonald
19-03-10, 09:39 PM
I find pressing f5 refreshing...
lol Oh dear, what have we started...
Dave20046
19-03-10, 09:43 PM
lol Oh dear, what have we started...
lol, I'm getting my coat and going home...
(after all there's no place like 127.0.0.1)
Pulled this lass in my local nightclub the other week, she had slight signs of acute eczema.
Cracking t!ts though!
punyXpress
26-03-10, 10:07 AM
An Aussie Tale
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire
life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other.
So, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What ever happened?" she asks.
"I've never had sex with a woman before" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get !!!! "
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Bluepete
26-03-10, 03:04 PM
Now I like that Jabba, a Joke that's funny, intelligent and with a punch line you don't see coming!
Pete ;)
The Guru
26-03-10, 03:28 PM
A recent study conducted by Aberdeen University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!!
This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.
BanannaMan
27-03-10, 04:29 AM
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her.
BanannaMan
27-03-10, 04:31 AM
An American tourist was brought into an Australian hospital after a car accident.
When he regained consciousness he asked, "Was I brought here to die?"
"No," said the Australian nurse, "you were brought here yesterdie."
BanannaMan
27-03-10, 04:40 AM
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!
Bluepete
27-03-10, 02:28 PM
Not very PC, so don't get mad! (http://sps13e12.blogspot.com/)
Pete ;)
barwel1992
27-03-10, 05:48 PM
Not very PC, so don't get mad! (http://sps13e12.blogspot.com/)
Pete ;)
haha :lol:
Haha best 21 minutes of my week!
xXBADGERXx
28-03-10, 09:38 PM
As the coffin was slowly being lowered into the grave at the funeral of a Traffic Warden, a voice from inside it screamed "I`M NOT DEAD, I`M NOT DEAD" to which the Priest smugly answered "I am sorry my son, the paperwork has already been done!"
http://img.moronail.net/img/9/3/3393.jpg
David Throne is a legend...
I have another email about him on my works comp...
Can't get to it here..
http://www.geekologie.com/2009/11/28/thorne-1.jpg
David Thornes Website.
http://www.27bslash6.com/
Well worth a look, amazing!
punyXpress
29-03-10, 10:14 AM
Wot, no ' keith d ' option on the pie chart, Sally?
Doinitmyway
29-03-10, 09:39 PM
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, " Ed , that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Ed and Dorothy met while...
any more of these on the same page and it'll be invading Europe...
davepreston
30-03-10, 11:03 AM
jesus walks into a bar
puts 3 nails on the table and asks
can you put me up for the night
jesus walks into a bar
puts 3 nails on the table and asks
can you put me up for the night
spoken by the reincarnated Eric Draven, iirc :p
So things took an extra step further in the bedroom with my girlfriend last night.
We were in bed and she said mine was the biggest **** she had ever had her hands on.
I said, "Your pulling my leg"
Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins last week, cost me a sodding fortune then i decided to take her to Blackpool for a dirty weekend..... couldn't get her off the big wheel for 2 days!
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter.
Oh! She's eleven.
_Stretchie_
31-03-10, 12:24 PM
Cuffy you're a bad bad man
PsychoCannon
08-04-10, 02:28 PM
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw!
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think its ********!!
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist
"Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No!" she replies, "its just regular porn you sick *******!"
My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside' ....was definitely
the wrong answer when my girlfriend asked me, 'Where are you
taking me for my birthday?'
One day little johnny peeps into his parents room to find his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her, his dad sees johnny and winks. Afterwards dad goes to check on johnny and he finds grandma bent over the dresser and johnny going at it from behind her. Dad yells "what are you doing???" to which johnny winks and replies " not so fu**ing funny when it's your mum is it!"
I've just opened a brothel in the loft of my house, thinking of calling it "Gash in the attic"
Gene genie
08-04-10, 03:38 PM
racing tip for the grand national, creosote.
apparently its superb over fences.
I've just opened a brothel in the loft of my house, thinking of calling it "Gash in the attic"
It's not about the quantity...all about the quality 8)
Good lord did i get surprise the other day.
Went to my local Dr's only to find out my usual one had been replaced by some young, fit, Scandinavian female, drop dead gorgeous.
I was extemely embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry. I'm very professional, i've seen, heard it all before. In your own time just tell me what's wrong and i'll help you out in anyway possible"
I said "I think my kn0b tastes funny"
punyXpress
14-04-10, 02:54 PM
Ditto Post #2741
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we ' re not sure what to do with you. '
' No problem, just let me in, ' says the man.
' Well, I ' d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we ' ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '
' Really, I ' ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, ' says the MP.
' I ' m sorry, but we have our rules. '
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
' Now it ' s time to visit heaven. '
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
' Well, then, you ' ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. '
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ' Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he ' s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don ' t understand, ' stammers the MP. ' Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there ' s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.
I suggested to my friends that we should all do impersonations of Stephen Hawking.
They just sat there in silence with stupid looks on their faces.
gettin2dizzy
15-04-10, 12:43 PM
I suggested to my friends that we should all do impersonations of Stephen Hawking.
They just sat there in silence with stupid looks on their faces.
:laughat:
A hardware store has hit times of trouble and decides to make a tv advert to promote his business. He goes to an Ad company who come up with an advert. The advert is screened on prime time tv, it shows Jesus on the cross, and zooms into a close up of his hand with a voice over: "Arkwright Nails, When only the best will do". The store owner is distraught, fearing his customers will revolt so calls the ad company up - instructs them to remake the advert. A few weeks later the ad company tell him the new advert is ready, and it will once again be screened on prime time. This time the advert show a blank cross, with Jesus being lifted down and carried away. The voice over says "If only they'd used Arkwright Nails, this wouldn't have happened..."
Not sure if I'll get away with this. Apologies to mods if not:
Q. What's the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?
A. The volcano is still blowing ash.
Had a couple of Polish fella's working for me the other day.
Done a cracking job on the kitchen and bathroom, crap at landings though.
Following the sad death of the Polish Primeminister in the air crash, an official day of mourning has been declared for the Polish nationals.
Therefore all hand car washes will be closed on Monday.
phi-dan
20-04-10, 02:48 PM
I've just been outside and got hit in the head by a black forest gateaux and a box of pizza slices. Must be the fallout from Iceland.
Not only is the UK in turmoil with the ash fall out, but geologists are saying that with all the molten lava spewing out on to the glaciers that volcanic slag from Iceland will soon be a problem........Don't you just hate that Kerry Katona :takeabow:
Mr Speirs
20-04-10, 03:27 PM
What the difference between the Volcano in Iceland and the General Election?
Ones a cloud of dispairity and gloom spreading slowly engulfing the nation...the other is a Volcano.
What comes from Iceland and causes chaos at Airports?
Bjork
Mr Speirs
20-04-10, 04:18 PM
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes were spread all over Europe.
Cymraeg_Atodeg
20-04-10, 05:47 PM
The only cow in a small village in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, it produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy.
They then bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise,
tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
"If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said.
"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
"If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you, by any chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had
brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from
Wales ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "....
hindle8907
21-04-10, 03:56 PM
^^ Hitler ;)
"Waiter, there is volcanic ash in my soup"
"I know, its a no fly zone"
Gentle comedy to start the day :)
I recently joined one of those dating sites. They asked me to describe my idea woman, so i put "I love Page 3 girls". At first I wondered why I didnt get any responses then realised my P button is broken
barwel1992
22-04-10, 11:59 AM
^ :lol:
The Dr approached the expectant father in the waiting room and asked him to take a seat.
"Were there any complications during the cesearian" asked the father.
"None at all, i just wanted to let you know that your wife gave birth to a hermaphrodite" replied the Dr.
The father had a perplexed look on his face.
So the Dr explained a bit further "It means that your baby has both male and female parts"
"Oh my god" the man exclaimed, "You mean it has a vagina AND a brain"
barwel1992
22-04-10, 02:37 PM
hahahahah :lol:
Bluepete
23-04-10, 07:50 AM
SoulKiss's toilet?
http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk24/conker51/Appleloo.jpg
Pete ;)
Dawn French is so upset about her pending divorce with Lenny Henry that she has gone on hunger strike.
Dr's have given her 12 years to live.
I used to go out with this lovely girl. Not at all shy in the bedroom.
Anyway, i recieved a text from her earlier saying that she had been "experimenting in a sexual nature" with various fruit n veg' and that she had managed to misplace a lemon.
Big deal you might think......but she's dyslexic :takeabow:
Shouldnt that be SHES?
Cracking joke
Shouldnt that be SHES?
Cracking joke
Also got a lisp ;)
punyXpress
28-04-10, 01:21 PM
Shouldn't that be " lithp " ?
With apologies to any who suffer that affliction.
Shouldn't that be " lithp " ?
With apologies to any who suffer that affliction.
What with lemons and lisps, surely you gotta be taking the pith ;)
BigBaddad
28-04-10, 04:07 PM
Don't you just hate it when you poke your finger through the toilet paper as you're wiping. Apart from that I'm quite enjoying my new job at the old folks home.
_Stretchie_
28-04-10, 04:13 PM
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
davepreston
30-04-10, 03:59 PM
have my first gamblers annonymus meeting tomorrow, i phone up to get the time, 10 to 1 ,what are the odds on that
Bluepete
30-04-10, 04:38 PM
I'd planned on going to a psychic night last night. Got there to find the hall was shut with a sign saying
"Cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances"
Pete ;)
Whats the difference between Madeline McCanne and the Icelandic volcano?
Madeline McCanne only ruined one holiday.
BigBaddad
02-05-10, 08:48 PM
Whats the difference between Madeline McCanne and the Icelandic volcano?
Madeline McCanne only ruined one holiday.
Just as her family released new family video footage.:smt046
I'd planned on going to a psychic night last night. Got there to find the hall was shut with a sign saying
"Cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances"
Pete ;)
I actully remember seeing a poster for exact same thing in a Croydon Cab office window with that on it :lol:
I really don't understand these Ethiopians and Kenyans, They have no problems in running 26 miles in record breaking times yet ask them to walk 5 miles for water...moan, moan, f*****g moan!
Bluepete
05-05-10, 10:03 AM
Getting back at the bouncers! (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/chokito-no-to-bouncers-p1.php)
Pete ;)
Getting back at the bouncers! (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/chokito-no-to-bouncers-p1.php)
Pete ;)
Sounds about right!
Missed out, 'you aren't right for the club'
Come back when you have had something to eat!
I dislike most bouncers, shower of 'power has went to my head' c*nts.
Dave20046
05-05-10, 06:45 PM
Getting back at the bouncers! (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/chokito-no-to-bouncers-p1.php)
Pete ;)
lol!
I hope that's real.
punyXpress
09-05-10, 11:00 AM
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON
I was at a rather posh wedding at the weekend which was ok but i thought it needed livening a bit, so i had a word with the DJ and asked him to play something everybody could dance along too.
So he put on "Sit down" by James, and sure enough everyone sat down, next came "Jump around" by House of Pain, yup you guessed it, evryone started jumping around.
It was when he played "Come on Eileen" was the point i got arrested.
I ended up having a terrible row with my missus last night, things were said that shouldn't have been said by both parties and i ended up giving her a right hander.
But within half hour we were having the best make up sex ever...
Well i was, she was still unconcious on the floor!
Just had a policeman knocking at my door, as i opened it and i was greeted by a sullen looking face.
"Mr Turner. It looks like your wife has been in an accident" said the copper.
I replied "Yeah I know, but she has a cracking personallity"
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What's the eggs for?" Asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" he asks. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them" replied his wife.
Anyone fancy going to a charity event next weekend?
Tickets are a fiver each,it's in aid of women who have lost both their legs........
the dancefloor will be crawling with f*nny.
Bluepete
11-05-10, 04:12 PM
Cuffy, that is sooooo bad, I feel dirty laughing so much!
You are a baaaad man,
Pete ;)
_Stretchie_
11-05-10, 05:04 PM
Cuffy every time I see your avatar in here I just know what follows is wrong
SOOOOOO WRONG
But always a cracker
; )
Miss_Undaztood
12-05-10, 04:02 PM
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Many a person is going to get linked to that above P.Niss/V.Gina joke.
Top notch. :salut:
_Stretchie_
13-05-10, 12:43 PM
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
punyXpress
14-05-10, 09:54 AM
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
Them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******** and a briefcase.
Mighty Boosh
16-05-10, 09:12 PM
Went for a job with the police today.
The Inspector says, "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen,
just one test before you get the job".
I says, "Certainly I'll give it me best shot".
Inspector says, "Put this uniform on, take out a squad car and arrest 3 people who look like thier motorbike is unrestricted when it should be restricted. Then arrest 2 people for having no ID on them. Then run over a rabbit".
I says, "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector replies.......
"Excellent attitude! When can you start".
;) :-dd:-dd:-dd
Dave20046
16-05-10, 09:14 PM
lol!
Can't believe your quite blatantly home made joke drew a laugh, nice work boosh.
Mighty Boosh
16-05-10, 09:19 PM
A kid came up to me today and asked, "What's your favorite telly tubby?"
I replied, "Probably the samsung 42 inch you cheeky little fecker !"
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