View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Micheal Owen is injured again.
While signing his new Man Utd contract it is believed his wrist shattered!!!
:confused:
:confused:
+1
AFAIK and I could be wrong, but MO is a footballer I believe maybe that helps the joke :smt102 other than that I can't help :-k
:???:
It plays on the fact Michael Owen is injury prone
simples
sv-robo
07-07-09, 05:31 PM
It plays on the fact Michael Owen is injury prone
simples
yey...well done.......that man:thumbsup:
Owenski
08-07-09, 09:41 AM
Micheal Owen is injured again.
While signing his new Man Utd contract it is believed his wrist shattered!!!
I laughed
Was gutted last night, turned the TV on and thought, bargain! "Cool Runnings" you know, with the black dudes and the bobsleigh.....but alas it was Jacko's bloody funeral.
Bluewolf
08-07-09, 03:40 PM
.
Doinitmyway
09-07-09, 10:07 PM
Women's Institute National Conference
The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb" (the crowd cheered).
The second speaker from York , stood up and said "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well" (the crowd again cheered).
The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said "Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad of mine, Geordie, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell" (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued....."Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye".
Spiderman
09-07-09, 11:26 PM
:lol: :lol:
Reminds me of this one...
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nuthin, ya told her twice already.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotopus
Spiderman
10-07-09, 12:37 PM
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
Lickalotopus
haha, i like that.
http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e3878b5375&view=att&th=12262a30df4d2f7d&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw
This on the other hand.... ????
http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i136/stu369/4356.jpg
This on the other hand.... ????
Wasn't sure you could see it so I did it again.
Yes, and... what does it represent?
Spiderman
10-07-09, 12:43 PM
Thats funny now i can see it. All your own toys? ;)
Bluewolf
10-07-09, 01:37 PM
.
right I'm bored so theres a few coming
a white horse walks into a bar, "i'll have a whiskey"
barman "we have one named after you!"
horse "what? gerald?"
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she
refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest appeal, "please give us some
wisdom before you die..."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. The barman looks at him curiously and says, "Buddy, you know you got a steering wheel shoved down your pants?"
The man answers, "Yeah, I know! It's been driving me nuts all day."
For the next GM party games
HURRICANE COCKTAIL RECIPES (http://jokemail.blogspot.com/2008/11/hurricane-cocktail-recipes.html)
Here's the Beverage list with recipes...It's New Orleans policy to follow
all instructions and report to the nearest liquor store in the event of a hurricane!
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato juice
Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with equal parts clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor whose fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV weatherman say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively. (They should change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn him. Have you ever noticed that, despite all the "cone of probability" talk, if Cantore is parked in front of your house you're doomed?) - that is my personal favorite!
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir, and drink through a straw.
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschlager
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschlager, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee butt back to New Jersey where it belongs.
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television and AC.
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh/cry deliriously as the mess spills all over the countertop.
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parki ng lot. Take a deep breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's, a shot glass (http://jokemail.blogspot.com/search/label/Alcohol#) and a can of sarsaparilla. Fill shot glass with Jack and a splash of sarsaparilla. Watch for looters. When you spot one, blast him with rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschlager, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to yourself and one to each of three other people. The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and beat the living daylights out of him.
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime juice
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
FEMA FIZZLE 1oz.
Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water
Angostura bitters
One week after the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin in a cocktail glass. Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie. Before drinking, raise the glass and say the toast, "Doing a helluva job".
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
love this one
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party!!!
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!..." Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes an apparently true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said; "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
_Stretchie_
10-07-09, 02:16 PM
My girlfriend said I'm too immature, and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.
Ha ha ha, ERECT!!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old-man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!?"
The old man replied, "Yep, and not one of us could get thet darn jar open..."
My girlfriend said I'm too immature, and if I don't grow up it's gonna erect a barrier between us.
Ha ha ha, ERECT!!
Curiously, if you take erect out of stretchie you end up with an anagram of sith...:smt003
_Stretchie_
10-07-09, 08:34 PM
Curiously, if you take erect out of stretchie you end up with an anagram of sith...:smt003
It is true, I am and erect sith
:smt003
Michael Jackson arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter doesn't recognise him so he asks, "What exactly did you do on earth?"
"I dressed up in funny clothes and entertained people."
"And tell me, were you ever in trouble?"
"Well, I was accused of interfering with little boys, but we paid off some and won the other court case."
"I'm sorry, father, I don't see your name down here - what parish were you in?"
I’ve been told that I’ve got “frog ‘flu”. Does this mean that I'm about to croak?
Bluewolf
15-07-09, 10:46 AM
.
I've been told that I have "Undertakers' Flu".
Not much sneezing but a heck of a lot of coffin.
Bluewolf
21-07-09, 12:36 PM
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…
BUMP…....
BUMP….....
BUMP….....
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP….....
BUMP….....
BUMP….....
He froze to the spot, he could' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly…
It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP….....
BUMP….....
BUMP….....
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster…
BUMP….....BUMP…...
BUMP….....BUMP.....
BUMP….....BUMP…...
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him…
BUMP….....BUMP…BUMP…
BUMP….....BUMP…BUMP…
BUMP….....BUMP…BUMP…
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin...
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP..BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad....
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP.SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet. He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin… still it came...
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it... still it came…...
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP.SCREECH…
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it... still it came…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed some Benilyn cough mixture and threw it…
The coffin stopped.
Bluewolf
21-07-09, 12:36 PM
...I'm banned... right..?
hindle8907
21-07-09, 12:57 PM
...I'm banned... right..? :oops:
you have just wasted a minute of my life hahahaha :smt071
...I'm banned... right..? :oops:
I'm pretty certain that this is a case of "Hitler Joke" ;)
pineapple chunk
21-07-09, 07:34 PM
whats the difference between a cross country run & gordon ramsey? One is a pant in the country & the other is a c**t in the pantry
Bluewolf
22-07-09, 10:33 AM
.
Spiderman
23-07-09, 05:45 PM
...I'm banned... right..? :oops:
Cuffy used to come up with much lamer jokes than that and he was allowed to stay so you're safe ;)
Jabba's just got to the point a hellova lot quicker tho, so he wins the comedy prize for the coffin pun of the week :)
Jabba's just got to the point a hellova lot quicker tho, so he wins the comedy prize for the coffin pun of the week :)
:winner:
I've been told that I have "Undertakers' Flu".
Not much sneezing but a heck of a lot of coffin.
budgie flu is better
thats tweetable!:smt033
Bluewolf
27-07-09, 09:00 AM
.
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.
'I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high.'
I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.'
So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back.'
dunno why, but i cant stop ****ing myself at this video - has to be one of the most gutting slow speed drops ever!!..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9zNUPDmnz4&feature=related
make sure you have the volume on nice and loud...
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.
'I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high.'
I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.'
So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back.'
Number one - hitler joke. Not heard the other two before, though :-)
Number one - hitler joke. Not heard the other two before, though :-)
215 pages of "gags" i wasnt gonna start searching see if it'd been done before!! :D
Earby_Rocker
28-07-09, 08:11 AM
Great jokes. lol
Alpinestarhero
28-07-09, 08:14 AM
keefd, loved 'em
Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths In 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
Explosion in a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead
Explosion in a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead
LOL! i get it :D
http://eatliver.com/i.php?n=4573
http://eatliver.com/i.php?n=4573
oh yeah and what are you posting
URL not allowed
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eatliver.com/ matched the following banned categories:
Erotic / Sex
oh yeah and what are you posting
URL not allowed
The site you requested is not allowed in line with the EDC Internet Access and Email Policy. To view the policy click here (http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/IntranetMF?ReadForm&M=DEFAULTC=http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/LU-AllContent/MMAN-5UHJXP?OpenDocument).
eatliver.com/ matched the following banned categories:
Erotic / Sex
The particular post is clean, although the site probably does contain some dodgy material as well.
oh yeah and what are you posting
URL not allowed
The site you requested is not allowed in line with the EDC Internet Access and Email Policy. To view the policy click here (http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/IntranetMF?ReadForm&M=DEFAULTC=http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/LU-AllContent/MMAN-5UHJXP?OpenDocument).
eatliver.com/ matched the following banned categories:
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The actual page posted does not break the U rating
oh yeah and what are you posting
URL not allowed
The site you requested is not allowed in line with the EDC Internet Access and Email Policy. To view the policy click here (http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/IntranetMF?ReadForm&M=DEFAULTC=http://intranet.eastdunbarton.gov.uk/Web+Site/Live/EDWebLive.nsf/LU-AllContent/MMAN-5UHJXP?OpenDocument).
eatliver.com/ matched the following banned categories:
Erotic / Sex
Um, drunken russians in various poses.....it's all good, clean fun I promise!
you'll just have to wait till you gt home to view it, I guess....
Perfect Life!
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG *****NG HOUSE???
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.?
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.?
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.?
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'?
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.?
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.?
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.?
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'?
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.?
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'?
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'?
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'?
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'?
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
A
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
If it wasn't for the swear filter I bet this would be a great punchline! As it is I'm wondering about a 4-letter sweary word to do with emus & I'm puzzled!?
Bluewolf
30-07-09, 03:42 PM
.
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.
This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel"
Spiderman
04-08-09, 05:58 PM
....
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'?
If it wasn't for the swear filter I bet this would be a great punchline! As it is I'm wondering about a 4-letter sweary word to do with emus & I'm puzzled!?
Similar joke goes that the fella shows up to a bar with a Crane (the animal, not the machinery) and a Cat. The Crane is just like the guy and goes up to buy rounds for them all but the Cat only ever goes and gets a drink for hiself, every time.
So the waitress asks the same question, "whats going on" and the guy replies "well i wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy and this is what i ended up with!"
Maybe that will helpss you figure out the ***s in Hovis' one now Kinvig ;)
Similar joke goes that the fella shows up to a bar with a Crane (the animal, not the machinery) and a Cat. The Crane is just like the guy and goes up to buy rounds for them all but the Cat only ever goes and gets a drink for hiself, every time.
So the waitress asks the same question, "whats going on" and the guy replies "well i wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy and this is what i ended up with!"
Maybe that will helpss you figure out the ***s in Hovis' one now Kinvig ;)
Are emus renowned for having big bottoms?
Bluewolf
05-08-09, 08:09 AM
.
Bluewolf
05-08-09, 03:20 PM
.
slark01
08-08-09, 10:35 AM
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Red Herring
09-08-09, 10:22 AM
Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths In 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من
I thought this thread was supposed to be for jokes. If i want the news I'll read The Sun thank you.
DarrenSV650S
09-08-09, 08:23 PM
Probably a hitler joke but I hadn't heard it anyway
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ar5e."
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/spiderdrawing.gif
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yes please.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Attached <spider.gif>
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/spiderdrawing.gif
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.
David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response
Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/spiderdrawing2.gif
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding.
We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/clear.gif
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Attached <spider2.gif>
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/spiderdrawing2.gif
www.27bslash6.com (http://www.27bslash6.com)
Mate of mine was found drowned in a half empty bath tub
and he was usually so optimistic too
Bluewolf
11-08-09, 01:25 PM
.
Spiderman
11-08-09, 01:31 PM
http://www.27bslash6.com/images/spiderdrawing.gif
2 things...firstly i friggin love that spider, he's so cool. I'd have him as my avatar in a heartbeat but i'm scared that David might send me a bill for use of his creation or something.
Secondly...this was on Qi of all things would you believe?!
:lol:
I wish my bank staff were so courteous, humerous and easy going :lol:
Spiderman
11-08-09, 01:32 PM
Geez its happening everywhere you guys. A friend of mine was attacked by a take away curry. He didnt die thankfully but he was in a korma for a while.
Owenski
11-08-09, 01:40 PM
LOL! i get it :D
:( i dont
Bluewolf
11-08-09, 02:01 PM
.
Spiderman
11-08-09, 02:49 PM
oh dear, lol.
I used to be an ice cream man (no really) and one day i saw some feet sticking out of another of our vans.
I went in and found one of the boys was dead, there were hundereds and thousands everywhere as well as red sauce and flakes etc.
Cops thought it was a competitor trying to kill off the competiotion but i knew better....
....
he'd topped himself.
Bluewolf
11-08-09, 04:07 PM
.
xXBADGERXx
11-08-09, 05:58 PM
A scruffy bit of string tied into a Clove Hitch walks into a bar .
The barman says "Oi , we don`t serve string in here , are you a bit of string?"
To which the string replies "Nope sorry I`m a frayed Knot"
I`ll get me coat
Here we go :)
A pair of jump leads walks into a bar, barman says, look, you can come in but dont start anything
An Englishman, Irishman and Scottsman walk into a bar, barman says, Is this some kind of joke?
A blonde walks into a bar - ouch
Bluewolf
13-08-09, 08:30 AM
.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...
Sometimes the bull wins.'
I wonder what Hitler's cojones would have tasted like? ;-)
I wonder what Hitler's cojones would have tasted like? ;-)
singular if you please...
xXBADGERXx
13-08-09, 04:39 PM
I wonder what Hitler's cojones would have tasted like? ;-)
singular if you please...
The timing of that made me chuckle
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck..."
singular if you please...
:notworthy:
The people of Dubai do not find The Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi do
Sorry for the bump but
OMG i cannot stop laughing :winner:
singular if you please...
propaganda, I always thought?
DarrenSV650S
16-08-09, 06:20 PM
two old drunk men after the end of a nights drinking decided that they would go to a brothel for some fun
on aproatching the brothel one of the ladies spotted them stagering up and cried ohhh ffs here they come , she came up with the idea that if they put blow up dolls in their rooms they would never notice , and this was duly done
the following morning the two men were walking home and one said to the other i thought last night was a bit weired , i thought my woman was dead she dident move , his m8t replied strange that as i thought mine was a witch!
hwy did you think that his m8t asked , well ! hes said i bit her @ss and she farted in my face and took of out the window
A Scotsman and a Jewish bloke were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest, most expensive, restaurants in London.
At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said, "that's awright laddie jist gae the check tae me".
The newspaper headlines next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A duck walks into a bar...
Got any bread?
Barman says no..
Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
Ask me that again and I'll nail your *******beak to the bar you irritating little ****!!....
Got any nails?
No!!
Got any bread?
:D
DarrenSV650S
17-08-09, 10:34 PM
A rabbit walks into a bar...
Got any carrots?
Barman says no..
Got any carrots?
No..
Got any carrots?
No..
Got any carrots?
Ask me that again and I'll nail your ******* nose to the bar you irritating little ****!!....
Got any nails?
No!!
Got any carrots?
DarrenSV650S
17-08-09, 10:36 PM
An elephant walks into a bar...
Got any peanuts?
Barman says no..
Got any peanuts?
No..
Got any peanuts?
No..
Got any peanuts?
Ask me that again and I'll nail your ******* trunk to the bar you irritating ****!!....
Got any nails?
No!!
Got any peanuts?
Spiderman
17-08-09, 10:39 PM
mouse walk into a bar..
got any cheese?
Barman says yes and offers a platter of the finest cheeses know to man.
I'm not doing this right am i?
DarrenSV650S and Spiderman walk into a bar...
Got any good jokes we can use?
Barman says no...
They leave dissapointed.
DarrenSV650S
17-08-09, 10:46 PM
Binky walks into a bar......
....and never walks out
Binky walks into a bar......
....and never walks out
I'm too popular and funny, the staff and customers alike won't let me leave. :D
Spiderman
17-08-09, 10:51 PM
touche.
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
> stomach.
>
> One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
>
> The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
>
> Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
>
> A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
>
> There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
>
> Women blink twice as often as men.
>
> The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
>
> Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
> still.
>
> If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
>
> Women reading this will be finished now.
>
> Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
DarrenSV650S
21-08-09, 10:15 PM
Wideboy
Bluewolf
24-08-09, 10:49 AM
.
wyrdness
24-08-09, 11:00 AM
Only if you're German... ;) :lol:
A man walks into a bar. He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, drinks them and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.
A German joke is no laughing matter.
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