View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Bluepete
06-07-11, 08:26 AM
Go to
http://www.google.at/
Type
My girlfriend
And look at the long result!
Pete ;)
Go to
http://www.google.at/
Type
My girlfriend
And look at the long result!
Pete ;)
erm... what am i looking for?
Bluepete
06-07-11, 08:38 AM
Put a space after girlfriend and look at the auto suggest list.
Put a space after girlfriend and look at the auto suggest list.
lol ah i get it now, look at the suggestions yeah? the baby? hahahaha
lordy
andrewsmith
06-07-11, 08:55 AM
pete are the road of Manchester empty today :lol:
THat is baaaad
pete are the road of Manchester empty today :lol:
THat is baaaad
Yes everyone is clearing the roads to ensure Carlos Tevez can make a speedy exit
Bluepete
06-07-11, 09:43 AM
Yes everyone is clearing the roads to ensure Carlost Tevez can make a speedy exit
You forgot the t at the end of his first name!
Pete ;)
Pippa Middleton, her árse is everywhere, in the papers on the news. Cant seem to get away from it.
Its a bit like a JK Rowling film, you just know Harry is going to be in it at some point
tinpants
06-07-11, 12:09 PM
Pippa Middleton, her árse is everywhere, in the papers on the news. Cant seem to get away from it.
Its a bit like a JK Rowling film, you just know Harry is going to be in it at some point
Now, THATS funny!!
Note to self: don't drink tea and read this thread. You might choke. Or ruin your monitor, or both.
Mid_life_crisis
07-07-11, 07:19 PM
Remember to remove your disc lock, unlike me:
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2011/6/15/bike-fail-another-crash-test-2071735
Footage caught on security camera at work.
SuzukiNess
07-07-11, 07:40 PM
Walked into the pub and ordered 8 large brandies. downed them one after the other, then said to the barman "i shouldnt be drinking like this with what i've got"... barman replied, "why, what have you got?"
I said... 42p
SuzukiNess
07-07-11, 07:58 PM
hi, i am unable to answer my phone at the moment, but if you leave a message, the News of the World will email it to me later.
Remember to remove your disc lock, unlike me:
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2011/6/15/bike-fail-another-crash-test-2071735
Footage caught on security camera at work.
Gotta go get my-self a new keyboard out the store room now....
Monitor needs cleaning too.
:winner:
hindle8907
08-07-11, 01:02 PM
Disk lock vid is pricless
mynameispatrick
08-07-11, 08:59 PM
Where do funny prostitutes work?
A bROFL.
/here all week..
Chris Bird
09-07-11, 07:25 AM
Q. Whats pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluffy.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. A fsh.
Q. What's big, white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
A. A fridge.
Q. What's big, green, got six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
A. A snooker table.
Q. What's yellow, smells like banana's and sits a the bottom of a tree?
A. Monkey sick.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
A. Bob.
Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A. No idea (eye dear).
Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea
Q. What do you call a deaf gorilla?
A. Whatever you want, he can't hear you
I went to the butchers yesterday and bought 8 legs of venison, do you think thats too dear?
Have you heard? Their recycling Michael Jackson and turning him into a children's play slide.
I guess now the kids can go down on him.
My girlfriend asked me the other day if this dress made her look fat. I said of course not princess. It's your ar$e and belly that makes you look fat.
squirrel_hunter
09-07-11, 04:41 PM
The first one is incorrect. It should read:
Q. Whats pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.
And should then be followed with the following:
Q. Whats blue and fluffy?
A. Cold pink fluff.
Shawthing
09-07-11, 07:08 PM
hi, i am unable to answer my phone at the moment, but if you leave a message, the News of the World will email it to me later.
Why didn't Mystic Meg foresee that she would need a new job this Sunday!
ImplodedHamster
09-07-11, 09:32 PM
Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A. No idea (eye dear).
Q. What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea
What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs, and no privates?
still no f***ing idea
Owenski
11-07-11, 12:51 PM
My boss has fallen asleep at his desk.
There's no punch line - its the truth, just seemed too comical to post in the interresting facts section.
andrewsmith
11-07-11, 01:15 PM
Marker pens at the ready?
Dave20046
11-07-11, 01:43 PM
Take a pic!
Just incase he ever catches you in the future...
Owenski
11-07-11, 02:10 PM
Take a pic!
Just incase he ever catches you in the future...
He's awake now but if he ever does it again Im defo doing this.
Met a girl in a pub last night and she said "Lets go outside and I'll show you a good time".
We did and she ran the 100 metres in 9.8seconds.
Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na
Bluepete
13-07-11, 08:04 PM
Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na
Geek.
Geek.
moreso the geek that gets the joke
Bluepete
13-07-11, 09:06 PM
moreso the geek that gets the joke
Touché
Holy craponastick. Thats the first time in my life ive been called a geek!!! woot etc
Shawthing
14-07-11, 09:27 PM
Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na
Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.
While we're onto science jokes
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
BigBaddad
14-07-11, 10:39 PM
Q. What does a nuclear scientist have for his dinner.
A. Fission chips.
wyrdness
15-07-11, 03:34 PM
So David and Victoria Beckham have named their new child Harper Seven.
Had she been born 15 minutes later, she'd have been called Kworta Eight.
Essex of Essex
15-07-11, 08:49 PM
A native American introduced me to his wife 'This is Four Horses'
I said 'that's a beautiful name, what does it mean?'
He replied ' nag, nag, nag, nag!'
Bluefish
15-07-11, 10:21 PM
So a termite walks into a bar and says, is the bar tender here.
BanannaMan
17-07-11, 03:35 AM
Went to an employment interview and a bloke asked me how I'd like a job earning twice what I'm making now.
I told him "No thanks!"
I've got a job like that already!
wyrdness
18-07-11, 10:23 AM
I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.
"What do you need the money for sir?"
"It's for a car".
"Oh nice, what are you getting?"
"Just some unleaded".
Amplimator
18-07-11, 04:23 PM
He was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure,he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Amplimator
18-07-11, 04:24 PM
A plane is on its way to Paris , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Paris and i'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a
Blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"i told her, "first class isn't going to Paris ".
Amplimator
18-07-11, 04:28 PM
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar$e-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only got two left."
Bluepete
18-07-11, 04:43 PM
A plane is on its way to Paris , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Paris and i'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a
Blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"i told her, "first class isn't going to Paris ".
What colour hair do you have?
Pete ;)
Amplimator
18-07-11, 05:28 PM
I dont have to explain the joke do I? Well anyways, shes blonde and must think the plane goes to multiple destinations. Or she doesnt know where shes going herself, much like a blonde driver. Or, or or... ah fuk it shes blonde what else do i need to say? :p
What colour hair do you have?
Pete ;)
Yeah yeah alright im blonde too :smt116
BigBaddad
18-07-11, 08:13 PM
I dont have to explain the joke do I? Well anyways, shes blonde and must think the plane goes to multiple destinations. Or she doesnt know where shes going herself, much like a blonde driver. Or, or or... ah fuk it shes blonde what else do i need to say? :p
Yeah yeah alright im blonde too :smt116
Yeah but is she a natural blonde.
grh1904
18-07-11, 08:31 PM
Posh & Beck's baby was apparently named after her Posh's favourite magazine and his favourite number.
"I've never heard of anything more ridiculous!", as I said to Razzle 69, my youngest, over breakfast.
wyrdness
20-07-11, 09:02 AM
Wonderfully named wooden buildings from Japan:
http://www.bess.jp/products/bx/
metalangel
20-07-11, 03:20 PM
I took a dyslexic girl home last night. She ended up cooking my sock!
metalangel
20-07-11, 03:20 PM
My neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants!
Dave20046
20-07-11, 05:05 PM
My neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants!
:lol:
Noble Ox
20-07-11, 07:24 PM
Calling your vagina Leona Lewis because it keeps bleeding, keeps keeps bleeding...
wyrdness
21-07-11, 09:44 AM
I took a bird home after a night spent clubbing last night; after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs. While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and it said, "I hope that's not the fat tart from last week "
The bird said, "What the hell was that?"
I said, "That damn memory foam mattress."
andrewsmith
21-07-11, 09:46 AM
:lol:
Poor Amy, she should have gone to rehab, but she said no, No NO...
Chris Bird
23-07-11, 07:28 PM
:)I wonder just how soon is too soon...
andrewsmith
23-07-11, 07:34 PM
:)I wonder just how soon is too soon...
6 minutes
as it was with Jacko
yorkie_chris
23-07-11, 08:47 PM
I'm fairly sure corpses had not yet reached their terminal velocity before I got a world trade centre joke texted through...
MisterTommyH
23-07-11, 08:51 PM
Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time.
We all know that they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose. They'll be greatly missed.
RIP Voldemort.
Amazing how so many celebrities die age 27.
Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, now Amy Winehouse.
Too bad Justin Beiber is only 17
STRAMASHER
24-07-11, 08:14 AM
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Alex Ferguson?
At least Fergie can still play Giggs.
Boom tish.
A very stoned Amy Winehouse was at an awards ceremony where she bumped into Jeremy Clarkson. He recognised her and congratulated her on winning an award, she didn't recognise him though. "What do you do?" she asked, "I do Top Gear" replied Clarkson... "Bloody great. I'll have 3 grammes, my nose is peckish"
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
BanannaMan
25-07-11, 12:17 AM
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
=D>
brilliant
PsychoCannon
25-07-11, 08:16 AM
One for the MasterChef Fans
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfeyUGZt8nk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfeyUGZt8nk)
metalangel
25-07-11, 10:53 AM
At least now Amy Winehouse can do her lines off the most shiny surface known to man... Jade Goody's head.
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke!
Not even Gavin, 29, fitter for Autoglass, could fix Amy Winehouse's crack problem.
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
News of Amy Winehouse's death has caused the Colombian economy to collapse.
News of Amy Winehosue's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up. She was a true heroin, this is such a blow. She really made a hash of things, though, and her career went to pot. Someone should have been keeping tabs on her.
Amy Winehouse was found slightly more dead than usual on Saturday.
( I am sorry )
punyXpress
25-07-11, 11:14 AM
'tis Market Day today . . .
http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket
'tis Market Day today . . .
http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket:smt119 I can see that happening on the east coast mainline :lol:
punyXpress
25-07-11, 11:43 AM
Nah: North Yorks Moors railway.
Wow, I feel sorry for people who live in places like that!
Wow, I feel sorry for people who live in places like that!Thats Croydon
punyXpress
25-07-11, 02:29 PM
Wow, I feel sorry for people who live in places like that!
And again:
I'm quite happy here thanks. :D
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
Blimey Lozzo...6 posts!
http://forums.sv650.org/showpost.php?p=2578571&postcount=4165
:lol:
Someone best tell Valerie not to bother going over......
metalangel
26-07-11, 11:13 AM
The 'cow economics' joke is familiar, but here are some variants I hadn't heard before:
Here is the hypothetical situation: Your neighbor has 3 cows, you have one cow. How do different economic systems deal with this situation?
Communism: The government takes two cows away from your neighbor and sends them into orbit to prove the communist system is better. Your neighbor is sent to Siberia for being a landowner. You are sent to Siberia for being a troublemaker. The capitalists, shocked about the orbiting cows, are spurred into action and land cows on the moon a few years later. Your economy cannot compete and dissolves into chaos.
Fascism: Your neighbor is shot for not having the proper papers for his cows. All four cows are taken away and forced to work in a slave labor camp making missiles. You are then shot for not having any cows.
Socialism: The government takes one cow from your neighbor and gives it to you. Then it takes one cow from each of you in taxes. The two cows are given to poor people, who require continuous government handouts to keep their cows from starving. The government continually raises taxes. Eventually both you and your neighbor are forced to sell your remaining cows to pay the taxes.
American capitalism: The person with 3 cows becomes rich by renting one of his cows to you. Then he takes his cow back and uses the profit to buy your cow from you, leaving him with 4 cows and you with none.
European capitalism: The government discovers that cows cause global warming and you are forced sell your cow to pay for expensive emission control devices. There is no market for cows. It is considered gauche to eat beef, and killing a cow is considered a form of genocide. Your neighbor is tried in the International Criminal Court for running a cow slavery ring. The government sets limits on the number of cows it can have, then exceeds them.
Keynesianism: The government buys your cow and hires five workers to take care of it to ensure full employment. The cows get bigger and bigger, while the currency loses its value. Soon a cow costs $1,000,000 which is only about 3 days wages. But supply and demand has made owning a cow unprofitable. The economy collapses.
Marxism: The cows revolt against exploitation and form a commune where they are all equal. Since everyone is equal, they are all managers and no one does any work. They stand in long lines to buy grass. One cow escapes to Mexico, but the other cows send an assassin after him.
Feminism: You are forced to have an equal number of cows and bulls. Instead of giving milk, your cow runs for the US Senate while your bull refuses to mate. Cows become extinct.
Agribusiness: Cows are genetically modified to produce their own corn. The cows are designed to be cube-shaped to increase stacking efficiency. Other countries pass laws prohibiting the import of self-fed beef.
Political correctness: Bovine servitude is prohibited by the 28th Amendment. It is illegal to say anything unflattering about bovinely-abled individuals or to use the word "cowed". Anyone who says the word "coward" is fired from their job. The word "cowboy" becomes synonymous with "Nazi".
Military: The military builds a secret underground facility, protected by 35-ton blast doors, to house the cows in the event of a national cow emergency. It has its own underground power station, TV station, and hospital. No cows are actually stored there. Anyone who finds out about the facility mysteriously disappears. There are rumors that it stores cows from outer space.
Paul the 6th
26-07-11, 01:49 PM
I've just had a beaver curry... Bit like a normal curry but just a little otter...
I though it was a Chicken Tarka? :D
Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people. St. Peter sees her and beckons her to the front. "Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks. St. Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot!"
Amy Winehouse approaches the gates of Heaven and is at the back of a massive queue of people. St. Peter sees her and beckons her to the front. "Am I getting special treatment because of my fame?" she asks. St. Peter replies, "No, we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator for this lot!"
is that a joke? im not worried about content or anything like that, i just dont really get it!! you'd have thought god and st pete were multi lingual
ho hum
is that a joke? im not worried about content or anything like that, i just dont really get it!! you'd have thought god and st pete were multi lingual
ho hum
Well his first language is probably Hebrew, a Hebrew to English translator has to be easier to find than a Norwegian to Hebrew one.
andrewsmith
26-07-11, 03:48 PM
Well his first language is probably Hebrew, a Hebrew to English translator has to be easier to find than a Norwegian to Hebrew one.
Very witty Lenny!
Well his first language is probably Hebrew, a Hebrew to English translator has to be easier to find than a Norwegian to Hebrew one.
thumbs up Lenny :D
Biker Biggles
26-07-11, 04:11 PM
Its amazing how these old defunct languages find new uses.I hear they now use Aromaic as an octane booster in petrol.
Hebrew
Thought that was a male tea-bag? :-k
Thought that was a male tea-bag? :-kIts what a Caveman says when he maks tea
Its what a Caveman says when he maks tea
:p
They're selling off Amy Winehouse's ashes. £1000 a gram.
Is that meant to be funny?
Is that meant to be funny?
I know, I was a few days too late and the all these others had posted theirs they heard. It's more of a groan 'oh god' chuckle at how bad taste the joke is than funny funny but I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon, it's better than falling off the wagon.
Poor Amy, she should have gone to rehab, but she said no, No NO...
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Alex Ferguson?
At least Fergie can still play Giggs.
Boom tish.
A very stoned Amy Winehouse was at an awards ceremony where she bumped into Jeremy Clarkson. He recognised her and congratulated her on winning an award, she didn't recognise him though. "What do you do?" she asked, "I do Top Gear" replied Clarkson... "Bloody great. I'll have 3 grammes, my nose is peckish"
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
At least now Amy Winehouse can do her lines off the most shiny surface known to man... Jade Goody's head.
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke!
Not even Gavin, 29, fitter for Autoglass, could fix Amy Winehouse's crack problem.
What a ripoff. I bought Amy Winehouse's greatest hits from Amazon and they've sent me a box of used syringes.
News of Amy Winehouse's death has caused the Colombian economy to collapse.
News of Amy Winehosue's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up. She was a true heroin, this is such a blow. She really made a hash of things, though, and her career went to pot. Someone should have been keeping tabs on her.
Amy Winehouse was found slightly more dead than usual on Saturday.
( I am sorry )
Dave20046
28-07-11, 07:22 AM
Venom ,did you just tell on everyone? :lol:
andrewsmith
28-07-11, 08:19 AM
I resisted putting one on the list
Left that to the Wino thread
Camping trip in Norway: cancelled.
Amy Winehouse tickets: cancelled.
Now I'm in hospital in Stockport because of the stress.
Still, at least the nurse is nice, shes called Rebecca and she's just changing my drip
My senile grandad keeps knocking on his own front door then goes round the back to answer his own knocks.....I don't think he knows what he is letting himself in for.
Paul the 6th
28-07-11, 10:08 AM
Me either Viney...
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schitzophrenic,
and so am I......
wyrdness
28-07-11, 10:46 AM
Rupert Murdoch today was said to be very touched by all the lovely messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone.
Me either Viney...
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schitzophrenic,
and so am I......
ah reminds me of one of my all time favorite gags
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I've got Alzheimers
Cheese on toast
christian1000
28-07-11, 01:37 PM
What do we want?
"A cure for Tourettes!"
When do we want it?
"B*****D!!"
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently...
Never again!
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently...
Never again!
Oh Come one D, recyling Tim Vine jokes now are we! Blimey
I have just been to Sootys BBQ. I had a Sweep steak
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
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