View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or
train....
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
ok probably not a good idea....
thats just class, ****ing great :lol: :lol:
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or
train....
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
ok probably not a good idea....
thats just class, f*cking great :lol: :lol:
not working :cry:
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village
and sees a local sitting on his Yellow SV650 with his dog by his side. He figures he'll
have a little fun, so he asks the local his name..."Hovi5" came the reply
"Hovi5, mind if I talk to your dog? "
Hovi5: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "
Dog: "Doin' all right. "
Hovi5: (look of extreme shock) :shock: :shock:
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Hovi5)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play. "
Hovi5: (look of utter disbelief) :shock: :?
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Hovi5: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . I think. "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "
Horse: "Cool"
Hovi5: (absolutely dumbfounded :o :shock: :o , as most Welsh look) :wink:
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at Hovi5)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements.
Hovi5: (total look of amazement) :-s
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "
Hovi5: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. " :lol: :lol:
:takeabow:
My first joke this year :D
El Saxo
31-01-07, 10:21 AM
A Starbucks marketing manager manages to arrange a meeting with the
Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your
Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100
million to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this
day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the
word of the Lord it must not be changed."
Well," says the Starbucks man, "We anticipated your reluctance.
For this reason, we will increase our offer to $ 300 million. All
we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For
the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks
respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.
We will donate $750 million - that's three quarters a billion - to the
great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer
from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our
daily coffee'.” Please consider it."and he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news... The good news
is that the Church will come into $750 million.
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
NOW SCROLL DOWN
Further
"We're losing the Hovis Account”
_Stretchie_
31-01-07, 12:13 PM
:takeabow:
My first joke this year :D
Well mate, you've vastly improved, keep up the good work
And Saxo... I know where you got that from Papa Luigi would be proud of you my son
My first post on this thread, here it goes:
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived in a casino and bet
twenty-thousand (£20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she
jumped
up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are
men !!!!!!!!!!!!
Vista
http://upload6.postimage.org/45699/Vista.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/45699/photo_hosting.html)
from
http://www.joyoftech.com/joyoftech/joyimages/915.gif
_Stretchie_
01-02-07, 02:41 PM
How big business really works
http://upload6.postimage.org/45954/FlowProcess.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/45954/photo_hosting.html)
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on..
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
:roll:
Luckypants
02-02-07, 12:31 PM
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig up his
garden so he could plant his tomatoes but it was very hard work as the
ground was so hard. His only son Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Do your summer house cleaning stuff, but don't dig that garden. That's
where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning the police arrived and dug up the entire area.
They left without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and mouth hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from although her face looks very familiar. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No sir, I'm your son's maths teacher."
why did the irish man wear two condoms...?
to be sure to be sure
DanDare
02-02-07, 01:27 PM
why did the irish man wear two condoms...?
to be sure to be sure
keithd is a genius!
Luckypants
02-02-07, 01:42 PM
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Have a fantastic Friday.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
New Words for 2007
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking ********.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A Mc****.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mc**** with Lies.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.
Essex of Essex
02-02-07, 03:31 PM
SINBAD works very well for male cabin crew :lol:
Luckypants
02-02-07, 03:43 PM
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
Almost every Friday is like that, hence I have been on here all day! :D
A lady opens the door to her milkman.
She says to Him,
"Tomorrow please can i hace 23 pints of milk"
The milkman says
"23 pints, what are you gonna do with that"
"bath in it" she says, "its good for my Skin"
"christ" says the milk man, "thats a lot of milk, would you like it pasturised?"
She Says...
Nope just up to me tits will be fine!!
Have a fantastic Friday.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
:winner: :smt046 laught so much it hurt :lol:
Steve W
04-02-07, 11:06 AM
A lady opens the door to her milkman.
She says to Him,
"Tomorrow please can i hace 23 pints of milk"
The milkman says
"23 pints, what are you gonna do with that"
"bath in it" she says, "its good for my Skin"
"christ" says the milk man, "thats a lot of milk, would you like it pasturised?"
She Says...
Nope just up to me t*ts will be fine!!
Reminds me (and other older forumites?) of the song 'Ernie' sung by Benny Hill - 'who drove the fastest milk cart in the west' and competed with 'Two Ton Ted from Teddington who drove the baker's van' for the affections of Sue.
'D'you want it pasteurised cos pasteurised is best?
She said, 'Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest.'
Steve W
04-02-07, 06:03 PM
Have a fantastic Friday.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
ETC
1Yours sincerely,
With a bit of judicious editing I made this look like a letter to my wife and emailed it to her and to my daughters at college, given I have been known to be a little 'disruptive' at the local ASDA.
My younger daughter thought it was funny but was a little worried it was a letter to her Mum and her Mum thought the same!
My view is if you can't have a bit of fun in supermarkets, what are they there for?
wyrdness
04-02-07, 06:41 PM
SINBAD works very well for male cabin crew :lol:
:D :D :D :D :D
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will
be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones
nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the
minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However,
this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his
sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up you're A*se!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
:lol: :lol:
This is the fairy tale that we should keep away from the fairer sex!! :shock:
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. :roll:
A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:
I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!
:smt102
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat
Uno".
A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,
" Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ..
I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night.
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spent that money.."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."
So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did
with the dead cow:
"You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251
tickets for R5 each!
I made a profit of R755! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."
"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was
happy!"
Sipho is now in parliament...
Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st: Hi, my name is Denise.
2nd: Hi, I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st: I froze to death.
2nd: How awful!
1st: Wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.
1st: So, what happened?
2nd: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched. Down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the
mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so
lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the
reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As
he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the
mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so
lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the
reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As
he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Genius :notworthy:
1st 2 were $h!te tho :wink:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two
prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called
Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,
a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is
granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of
being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored
and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the
mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.
Justin figured that the fish could change him back
into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so
lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched
for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the
reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual
pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As
he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a
shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again
Christian."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Genius :notworthy:
1st 2 were $h!te tho :wink:
:thumbsup: :notworthy: Proper minter!! I love those types of joke.. :lol: :lol:
_Stretchie_
06-02-07, 11:52 PM
:roll:
That prawn one is a proper Cuffy joke
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid
problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
http://upload6.postimage.org/135105/nigel.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/135105/photo_hosting.html)
:lol:
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
You are the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United Kingdom send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As Prime Minister, you must decide:
Do you: -
A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?
or do you: -
B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?
:smt102 :lol:
SENT TO ME VIA EMAIL
The Washcloth
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet
the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a
quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said,
"My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and
went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom,.
"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied,
"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter
and sparkles saved inside it."
There were these three guys talking. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow puffs out his chest and says, "Well, I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me crawling on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed! Their eyes are wide and they have a newfound respect for this guy. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third fellow sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"
Alan worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He confessed that he had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Alan indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Alan came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Alan?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh Alan, you didn't?" his wife asked.
"Yes, I did." replied Alan.
"My Goodness, Alan, what happened?" she asked.
"I got fired," replied Alan.
His wife said, "No, Alan. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" And, Alan replied, "Oh, she got fired too."
What do you get if you put 10 women with a yeast infection and 10 women with PMT in the same room??
Cheese and Whine party :takeabow:
A little quick topical one for you (sort of):
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
A little quick topical one for you (sort of):
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
A bod at work today thought she had bird flu, felt a little peckish.
*runs away with coat*
Amanda M
08-02-07, 08:54 AM
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a good time as it is
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I
wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin ,
The Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
Right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
Brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
" Ryan , you be Jesus !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would
you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
An englishmean,Irishman and a scotsman go for a job at the S.A.S, a bloke comes out and says to the englishman heres a gun with six bullets in, go in that room and kill whoevers in there, so he go`s in and comes straight out saying i cant do it its my wife, so he dont get the job, next its the scotsman and same thing heres a gun, 6 bullets go in that room and kill whoevers in there, he goes in and comes straight out saying i cant do it its my wife, so he dont get the job, lastly its the irishmans turn, heres a gun six bullets go in that room and kill whoevers in there so he goes in shuts the door and the next thing you hear is BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! and then some scuffling noise and all goes quiet, the irishman comes out and says all them bullets were blanks so i had to strangle the b1tch!!
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !
He became so emotional that he became a snowflake
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be all right for the garden.
9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of
the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an
electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for
the car to deter would-be thieves.
11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you
know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and
anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to
buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace
and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your
child.
15. All Pop music starts to sound crap.
16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any
pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of
house white.
17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
18. You always have enough milk in.
19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise
pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into
your parents.
20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time
Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
23. You wish you had a shed.
24. You have a shed.
25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of
courseSSin my day...."
26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 -and Jimmy Young has
some really interesting guests on.
27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,
you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging
baskets.
29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time,
and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you
are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and
have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail
and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall
forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a
swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless
steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them
separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...
31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/20_inches_snow.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/photo_hosting.html)
http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/20_inches_snow.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/photo_hosting.html)
Do I ruin the joke if I point out that the ruler is measuring centimetres? :oops:
Filipe M.
09-02-07, 03:41 PM
http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/20_inches_snow.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/photo_hosting.html)
Do I ruin the joke if I point out that the ruler is measuring centimetres? :oops:
Yes, that's why I didn't do it in the first place! :lol:
http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/20_inches_snow.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/photo_hosting.html)
Do I ruin the joke if I point out that the ruler is measuring centimetres? :oops:
Yes, that's why I didn't do it in the first place! :lol:
i too noticed that, but thought keep quite about it..................too late now
_Stretchie_
09-02-07, 07:10 PM
http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/20_inches_snow.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/172416/photo_hosting.html)
Do I ruin the joke if I point out that the ruler is measuring centimetres? :oops:
It's in bloke inches :lol:
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo's all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies "Yep ... my bike's parked over there", and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
clickhick
11-02-07, 11:18 PM
http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/4779/comics17pl8.th.jpg (http://img250.imageshack.us/my.php?image=comics17pl8.jpg)
:lol: :lol: and anuvver
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/VINTAGE-ONE-PIECE-HARRO-RACING-LEATHERS_W0QQitemZ290053399443QQihZ019QQcategoryZ9 943QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
_Stretchie_
11-02-07, 11:51 PM
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/VINTAGE-ONE-PIECE-HARRO-RACING-LEATHERS_W0QQitemZ290053399443QQihZ019QQcategoryZ9 943QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
:shock: :shock:
grh1904
11-02-07, 11:57 PM
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/VINTAGE-ONE-PIECE-HARRO-RACING-LEATHERS_W0QQitemZ290053399443QQihZ019QQcategoryZ9 943QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
:-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-#
The Basket
12-02-07, 08:46 AM
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/VINTAGE-ONE-PIECE-HARRO-RACING-LEATHERS_W0QQitemZ290053399443QQihZ019QQcategoryZ9 943QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
:-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-# :-#
what's he selling? The leathers or his self:lol:
Not many people know that Tiger Woods owns a yacht.
Ever since the golfer Greg Norman got his big yacht, people around the world
have marveled at how big it is.
Well, Tiger Woods earned a lot more money playing golf than Greg Norman, and
he invested it in all the right places so he too could have a yacht.
Recently, Tiger withdrew some of his money and bought a yacht.
He had it decked out to his specifications, with all the things he wanted on
it.
He secretly did all of this, until it was ready to set sail.
A photographer, on assignment to photograph sea turtles migrating in the
ocean, happened upon the yacht, during it's initial shakedown cruise, and
got the very first photo of Tiger Woods yacht.
Here it is.
http://upload6.postimage.org/217138/image001.jpg (http://upload6.postimage.org/217138/photo_hosting.html)
Bluewolf
12-02-07, 10:39 AM
.
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Will. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Will 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks
Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Will. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Will 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks
Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'
Oh that's sooo bad ](*,)
Bluewolf
12-02-07, 02:13 PM
.
Swiss that is so bad, its almost funny!
Why has Bernard Mathews got all his dead turkeys in trucks... ?
Cos his Bootisful :roll:
:smt118
Bluewolf
13-02-07, 08:51 AM
.
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake.
Both are in intensive care...............
One has a dodgy Tikka, the other is in a Korma.
grh1904
13-02-07, 12:02 PM
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle'
Oh that's sooo bad ](*,)
Please no more, okay I'll tell you the top secret information just don't tell any more jokes like that.
:smt062
THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new .
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend
Good : Your daughter got a new job
Bad : As a hoooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
Condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
Pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
Pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
For. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
Suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
New shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and It fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
About some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I've got you there; I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
Press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
Bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
Condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
Pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
Pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
For. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new
Suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
New shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and It fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
About some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I've got you there; I've worn a size 34 since I was
18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
Press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (easier if we had some emoticions to post) edit - found em :D
Bluewolf
14-02-07, 08:55 AM
.
What, like these....
:) :( :confused: ;)
...etc, etc...
Go the the "Go Advanced" option mate, they're all there.
Sorry - whereabouts?
Bluewolf
14-02-07, 09:02 AM
.
Top left corner, click on User CP, then Edit Options and right at the bottom of the page there's the options for your pages. Go to the WYSIWYG option and the smilies should appear at the right hand side. :)
Aha!! :D :D :rolleyes: yippee!! (Limited to 4 images - bum!)
Thank's Bluewolf
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.
When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the **** course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on September 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver **** club rammed up his ****, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> The Little Old Lady And The Biker...
>
> A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They
> couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and he would
> walk home.
>
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
> an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
> chickens
> and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem
> -- how to carry all his purchases home.
>
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
> who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16
> Mockingbird
> Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 22 Mockingbird
> Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry all this stuff."
>
> The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry
> the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
> in your other hand?"
>
> "Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl
> home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
> We'll be there in no time."
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and said, "I am a lonely
> widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
> alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
> way with me?"
>
> The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
> chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against
> a wall and do that?"
>
> The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
> anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Why did my motorcycle fall over?
Because she was two tyred!!
:lol: :smt082 :smt043 :smt044 :smt005
Filipe M.
15-02-07, 11:21 AM
Why did my motorcycle fall over?
Because she was two tyred!!
:lol: :smt082 :smt043 :smt044 :smt005
Law, not you too! #-o
For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!
wyrdness
15-02-07, 11:34 PM
For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!
Excellent :D:D:D:D funny and original.
Excellent :D:D:D:D funny and original.
Not if you'd already read it on LB
Not if you'd already read it on LB
:smt045
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered.
Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!"
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
tinpants
16-02-07, 07:20 PM
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
I haven't laughed so much in ages.
Class. Utter class.:smt046
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the m an turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything
for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
For Valentines Day I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. The hoover works a treat now!!
Excellent :D:D:D:D funny and original.
Not if you'd already read it on LB
:smt045
LB ???????????:smt102
LB ???????????:smt102
I'm guessing it means London Bikers forum
Here is my stolen joke:
A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider.He takes it out
for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing
an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"The young man replies, "A 2001
Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems
to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on
earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes
by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old
man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun
a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear
end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,
"You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"The old man looks up and replies,
"OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you gotit.Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Still laughing at the last one, brilliant!:D
WordPerfect... how old is that!
grh1904
19-02-07, 03:27 PM
Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
AWESOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:smt038 :smt038 :smt038 :smt038 :smt038 :smt038 :smt038
Bluewolf
19-02-07, 03:39 PM
.
What's pink & fluffy?
Pink fluff
What's blue & fluffy?
Cold pink fluff
Do I win the prize for worst joke?
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