The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[cuffy]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much


However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in t he eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!

[xXBADGERXx]

LOL that`s a cracker - pull it

[cuffy]

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a
light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10
inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.

'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers,


'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.


Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

[cuffy]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,

went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about

thoroughbred race horses.



When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that

the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the

other.





The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet

when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach

the urinal.





Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and

began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct

the flow away from their clothes.





As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,

'You must be in year four.'





'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding in the Gold Cup at 3pm!'

[cuffy]

My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look ****ing stupid without any ears.

[Samnooshka]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed,but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later,he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,'she said,'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs,two without.
Send extra sauce.'

[Razor]

Cuffy roools :)

[cuffy]

Cuffy roools :)
:takeabow: If only everyone thought th same :D

[cuffy]

KFC are commemorating the events of 7 years ago in true style, with a 9/11 meal combo deal. 2 tower burgers and plain wings.


I know it's wrong, but be jesus it made me chortle :D:D

[gettin2dizzy]

KFC are commemorating the events of 7 years ago in true style, with a 9/11 meal combo deal. 2 tower burgers and plain wings.


I know it's wrong, but be jesus it made me chortle :D:DThey're spicy buggers. I'd go as far to call them flaming wings!

[cuffy]

They're spicy buggers. I'd go as far to call them flaming wings!
That's because they've been laden with chilli
;)

[Razor]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing cold, could you nip up the stairs and get me
slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs, where Paddy's two stunning
19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off yer a liar!'.
'I'll prove it, so I will' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

[hovis]

Breaking news
After years of investigation on the cause of 911 its been found that it wasnt the muslims it was the irish !!.

Apparently Paddy and Mick were fitting doors on the 44th floor, and Paddy said to Mick that the doors were too big,

so Mick told him to go and get a plane and take the top off !

[xXBADGERXx]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk of the car if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with a drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk lid, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.” The man replies, “And I'll bet that lying Son of a Bitch told you I was speeding, too!”

[Davido]

^ Oldie but a goodie.

Fiver to the first person to try this and film it.

[Bluepete]

Two snowmen in a field, one said to the other

"Can you smell carrotts?"

[hang man]

:smt081 http://www.jibjab.com/view/51755

[hang man]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying

'Hello.'

I politely said,

'This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

'Get the right f***ing number!'

and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,

I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

'You're an *******!'

and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,

and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,

when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,

'You're an *******!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my theraputic '*******'

calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,

'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?'

He yelled

'NO!'

and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,

'That's because you're an *******!'

and hung up.

One day I was at the store,

getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW

cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,

but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,

so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,

right after calling the first *******

(I had his number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said,

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,

'Yes, it is.'

I ! asked,

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,

'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.

It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,

'What's your name?'

He said,

'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,

'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,

'Yes?'

I said,

'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up,

and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,

I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ******* #1.

He said,

'Hello.'

I said,

'You're an *******!'

(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,

'Are you still there?'

I said,

'Yeah!'

He screamed,

'Stop calling me,'

I said,

'Make me,'

He asked,

'Who are you?'

I said,

'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,

'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,

a yellow ranch,

I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,

'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'

and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,

'Hello?'

I said,

'Hello, *******,'

He yelled,

'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,

'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,

'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,

'Well, *******, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News

about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.

I got there just in time to watch two *******s

beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter

and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.!

[Viney]

Two snowmen in a field, one said to the other

"Can you smell carrotts?"
2 Cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny?"

[Quedos]

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you
what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so
at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered
all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you
have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management."

[Quedos]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted CRAZY then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was CRAZY and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the name of f***!ing good Lord are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said " You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

(you're gonna love this...)













She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Quedos]

A man walked into a quiet bar

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.
He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.
He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender.
The bartender was experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar.
The bartender was alone with the ducks.
There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" commented the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again!" said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie!?"

"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

[redshift]

What's the capital of Iceland?
About £3.50

[stevie]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd
think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin. :smt026

[redshift]

How do you make a small fortune on the current stock market?
Start with a large one.

[Grant66]

Fred walks into a bar and orders a beer. An old guy along the bar calls out to him.
"Hey I know your mum", slurs the old geezer. "OK", replies Fred trying to ignore the drunk.

"I know her VERY well, I've sh4gged her loads of times", continues the coffin dodger.
Fred sighs and continues to ignore the old gentleman.

"I've had her in every position, on the bed in the car over the kitchen table", the wrinkley anounces.

Fred is now getting a bit cross but keeps his temper under control.

"She loves oral, you know, she tastes soooooo sweet", the old guy says smiling.

Fred has had enough, his blood boiling he turns to the boozy fossil and shouts...





"Go home Dad, you're drunk"

[Razor]

See, much better.

[Skip]

STOP PRESS:
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK,
uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans
to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on
at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal

[Jabba]

Q. What's the difference between tottenham hotspur and a triangle?

A. Tottenham don't have three points

[rowdy]

Parked in a disabled parking bay and a traffic warden shouted "Oi, whats your disability!" so I shouted "touretts, so f**k off!"

[Skip]

Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. So that they can moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

[Kate Moss]

Three little ducks go into a Bar......


http://forums.sv650.org/cid:950BC69C9CB0428C96CA40FF692AD4AA@sn02405942050 2

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'


'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else
could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddle s
all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
'So, you must be Louie?'




'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

[Bluepete]

http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk24/conker51/fc100415.jpg

[Mr Speirs]

And don't even ask about the day i've had.

[Quedos]

Q. Whats the fastest way to a mans Heart?
A. Straight through his chest.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are either too small or disabled.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. 'Cos they cant stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. Whats the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still happy to see you.

Q. How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A When you can't get your finger between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. 'Cos they are practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in light bulb?
A. 3, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 2 to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. 'Cos not one will stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why do female Black Widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women?
A. Women want one man to satisfy their every need. Men want every woman to satisfy their one need.

Q. How do you keep you husband from reading your e-mails
A. Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"

[Quedos]

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Glasgow man who left the snow-filled streets of Glasgow for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares, they never get the house anyway!
Its been discovered that beer contains female hormones??
Drink to much and you lose the ability to drive and talk lots of crap
A man goes into chemists and asks for a bottle of cyanide. Pharmacist:'I'll have to ask you why you want a bottle of cyanide sir'
Customer: 'I'm going to use it to kill my wife'
Pharmacist:' I'm afraid I can't supply you with cyanide for that reason sir'
The customer then opens his wallet and produces a photograph of his wife which he hands to the pharmacist.
Pharmacist: 'oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise that you had a prescription'

[missyburd]

heehee quality Quedos! :smt036

[Quedos]

3 men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said " you may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink,"
The first man went down yelling "BEER!" Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second man went down the slide yelling "LEMONADE" PLOP! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third man went down the slide yelling "WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

[Quedos]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
; Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,

NFL 3.0< /SPAN>
and
Golf Clubs 4.1

.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0< /B>update.
If that application works as designed,

Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toGrumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that

Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does=2 0have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0

and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[Quedos]

However......

Dear IT Support :

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeS*x Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Any Ideas ?

you can't call me sexist

[Bluepete]

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.



Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. (brilliant!)



Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?


A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.

I forget where the sun joins in this fight.



Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.>



Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.



Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.



Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.


Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)

A: Nearby.



Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.

A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome


Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Bluepete]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.>



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.>



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.




TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.




TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Stingo]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[keithd]

An Englishman, Welshman a West Indian are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

The nurse comes out and announces they are all new fathers of baby boys. But there's one problem she says "Because they were all born at the same time and we mixed the tags up we don't know which baby is which - could you all come in to try and identify your babies please?"

The men agree and go into the delivery room. Immediately the Englishman picks up the coloured baby and says "yes - this is definately my baby".

The West Indian man says "excuse me but I think it's obvious that's my baby".

The Englishman takes him aside and says "I see where you're coming from but one of those babies is Welsh and i'm just not prepared to take the risk".

[stevie]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,

' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! :smt044

[stevie]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a
Pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.' :jocolor:


``````````````

[stevie]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
Chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' :winner:

```````````````

[stevie]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a

Suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc. :smt044

[Stingo]

Oooohhh my sides!!!!




Two homosexual Muslims exploded whilst having sex.











Police say they were suicide bummers.





:smt044:smt044:smt044

[keithd]

One


How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb

[keithd]

WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY...

Because I'm a man... when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man... when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a man... when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man... I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man... when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man... I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man... I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man... there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, food, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man... I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay! I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man... you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man... I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it - looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man... and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

[Stu]

<snip>

Why post in the comedy thread? :confused: I thought it was just real :D

[stevie]

Keithd,I think Why? should be made into a poster and given to all our beloveds ohh yes!!

[Viney]

Not many totenham jokes!

So here are a couple

Apprently all train services have stopped going through Tottenham due to a massive points faliure.

Upon arriving back in the UK Jose Murrinio(sp?) was asked about taking over the reigns at Tottenham, he replied 'Im not that f**king special'

The council have blocked plans for Tottenhams new stadium. In thier response they said 'We dont mind having a fun fair on the bit of groud once a month, but a circus every fortnight is not on'

I met this kinky girl the other night and she said 'I want you to embraress me as it turns me on' so i put her in a Tottenham shirt

[stevie]

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking b####cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr##s on everything, and
Then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

I like testiculating!! The word I mean not the action itself! :smt044

[missyburd]

The 5 steps to happiness:

1) Find a man who loves housework...

2) Find a man who makes you laugh...

3) Find a man who has a great job...

4) Find a man who's a great lover...



























and 5) Make sure that none of these men meet each other! :D

[xXBADGERXx]

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.



Aaaah mystery solved :D

[Mr Speirs]

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

No its not a invisible device!!! I can reveal that the device is in fact the Kebab Compass.

[rowdy]

A couple were laying in bed on their wedding night and the bride turns to her husband and said "I have a confession to make darling, when I was younger I was a hooker" she proclaimed

"That's ok darling," said the husband "your past is your past and anyway I actually feel a bit turned on, tell me more."


"Well," said the bride "my name was Brian and I played for Wigan."

[stevie]

An old man totters into a chemist to buy Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets and can you cut them into quarters please?" he asks.
The Chemist replies."I could cut them for you but a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection" " I am nearly 83 " replies the old man." I don't have much use for a full erection , I just want to stick it out far enough so I don't p1s5 on my slippers". :smt044

[Quedos]

A nose walks into a bar and says to the Barman-Pint please barman.
The Barman replies sorry I can't serve you.
Why not the nose replies.
Because you're off you face!! The Barman replies!!

[Quedos]

You are in an empty room with light bulb which is turned off.
When you search for a switch you cannot find one, so you leave the room to search for the switch outside and find 3 switches.
You can only go back in the room once because of DWP legislation, so how can you find out 100% for sure which switch operates the light bulb in the room

[Quedos]

the standard lawyers/law questions

Q What is your date of birth?
A July 15th
Q What Year?
A Every Year

Q What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A Gucci sweats & Reeboks

Q This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A Yes
Q And in what way does it affect your memory?
A I forget
Q You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you?ve
forgotten?

Q How old is your son, the one living with you?
A 38 or 35, I can?t remember which
Q How long has he lived with you?
A 45years.

Q What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A He said, where am I Cathy?
Q And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.

Q Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A We both do.
Q Voodoo?
A We do.
Q You do?
A Yes, voodoo

Q Now doctor, isn?t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn?t know about it until the next morning?

Q The youngest son, the twenty- year old, how old is he?

Q Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A Yes.
Q And what were you doing at that time?

Q She had 3 children, right?
A Yes
Q How many were boys?
A None
Q Were there any girls?

Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A By death.
Q And by whose death was it terminated?

Q Can you describe the individual?
A He was about medium height and had a beard?
Q Was this a male, or a female?


Q Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice,
which I sent to your attorney?
A No this is how I dress when I go to work

Q Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q All your responses must be oral, Ok? What school did you go to?
A Oral.

Q Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A The autopsy started around 8.30pm
Q And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A No
Q Did you check for blood pressure?
A No
Q Did you check for breathing?
A No
Q So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A No.
Q How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q But could the patient have still been alive, never the less.
A Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

[Jayneflakes]

You are in an empty room with light bulb which is turned off.
When you search for a switch you cannot find one, so you leave the room to search for the switch outside and find 3 switches.
You can only go back in the room once because of DWP legislation, so how can you find out 100% for sure which switch operates the light bulb in the room



I don't know... leave the door open?

[Quedos]

Darwin Awards nominees

A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6?2? tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman?s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl?s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12? long and 3? in diameter. The tube?s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital ? the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

[Quedos]

now i must do some work

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.

What do you call a brunette stood between 2 blondes?
An interperator

a man is invited to join his friends in a round of golf.he says he'll be there the next morning - but he might be 10 mins late. he turns up on time, and thrashes them, playing right handed. the next time he's invited, he accepts and explains once again that he might be 10 mins late. he turns up on time again, thrashes them, this time playing left handed. when they ask him why the left and right handed business, he explains "if my wife is lying on her left side in the morning, i play left handed. if she is lying on her right side, i play right handed." "what if she's lying on her back?" asks a friend, " ah, now thats when i'm 10 minutes late" replies the man

Little boy blue
Hey he needed the money

A blonde is at the doctor's:
DOCTOR: Congratulations, you are pregnant.
BLONDE: Are you sure it's mine?

question asked to blonde: 'if you were in a vacuum and someone called your name, would you be able to hear them'
blonde's reply: ' it depends whether it is switched on or not'

Q/ How Do You Change A Blonde's Mind?
A/ Blow In Her Ear.

[Quedos]

I don't know... leave the door open?

nope but good answer! ( well its not the answer i got)

[Jayneflakes]

Darwin Awards nominees

The tube?s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.

Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.



Oh gross... Some people are really very strange... :laughat:

[Jayneflakes]

You are in an empty room with light bulb which is turned off.
When you search for a switch you cannot find one, so you leave the room to search for the switch outside and find 3 switches.
You can only go back in the room once because of DWP legislation, so how can you find out 100% for sure which switch operates the light bulb in the room


You do realise that this is going to bug me all afternoon and then when you reveal the answer I am going to feel like an idiot?

DWP= Department for Work and Pensions?

I am at a loss... I could always use my compact and see when the light comes on or I could just look through the windows of the room, if it had any....:confused:

[Quedos]

You do realise that this is going to bug me all afternoon and then when you reveal the answer I am going to feel like an idiot?

DWP= Department for Work and Pensions?

I am at a loss... I could always use my compact and see when the light comes on or I could just look through the windows of the room, if it had any....:confused:

DWP - correct - i managed to amass over 145 pages of joke and funnies over my years there and saved them all - SAD ain't i

[Quedos]

Being A Bloke Is Great Because:
Your bum is never a factor in a job interview.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend his leg over.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you
tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with So, notice anything
different??
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don?t rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger?s seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching the footy with your mate for hours
without ever thinking 'He must be mad at me.'
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in 45 minutes.

[jambo]

You are in an empty room with light bulb which is turned off.
When you search for a switch you cannot find one, so you leave the room to search for the switch outside and find 3 switches.
You can only go back in the room once because of DWP legislation, so how can you find out 100% for sure which switch operates the light bulb in the room

Light switch 1 on for a minute, then off
Light switch 2 on, and immediately walk into the room.

If the light's on, it's switch 2
If the light's off but the bulb's warm, it's switch 1
If the light's off and the bulb is cold, it's switch 3, or the bulb's blown :D

Jambo

[Skip]

Light switch 1 on for a minute, then off
Light switch 2 on, and immediately walk into the room.

If the light's on, it's switch 2
If the light's off but the bulb's warm, it's switch 1
If the light's off and the bulb is cold, it's switch 3, or the bulb's blown :D

Jambo
:notworthy:

[wyrdness]

Light switch 1 on for a minute, then off
Light switch 2 on, and immediately walk into the room.

If the light's on, it's switch 2
If the light's off but the bulb's warm, it's switch 1
If the light's off and the bulb is cold, it's switch 3, or the bulb's blown :D

Jambo

Clever, but now you know which switch it is, if you go out again to switch it on, then you won't be allowed back in the room.

I'd simply leave the door open so I can see when the light comes on :D

[Skip]

But if the room is empty why do you need to be in there anyway?! :???:

[jambo]

Clever, but now you know which switch it is, if you go out again to switch it on, then you won't be allowed back in the room.

I'd simply leave the door open so I can see when the light comes on :D

I'd probably just flick all 3 light switches over, wait for about 10 seconds to listen for shouting from a person plunged into darkness in a nearby loo or similar and leave it at that :D

[Stingo]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths In 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[yorkie_chris]

I can't decide whether that's funny or just depressing...

[keithd]

Teaching Maths


i laughed like a demented owl!

ABOWCO no less

[Stingo]

i laughed like a demented owl!

ABOWCO no less


This is indeed high praise from the mighty KeithD.

ithangyu

:takeabow:

Would you like a tissue for er that other thing?..:D

[cuffy]

Well as it's my 2000th post i thought i'd better mark this historical occasion with what i do best and make people groan......



There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked?

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange
panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey,
dey always look for da black box first."

[Viney]

Groan :lol:

[Stu]

:cheers: 2000 quality loca... I mean posts! ;)

[Richie]

knock knock...
































oh, don't bother...

[Stu]

Who let you back in?








:lol:

[cuffy]

So Lewis Hamilton is world champion, pipping Massa at the end.
The last time a Brazillian got f****d by a Brit this badly was at Stockwell tube station.

[stevie]

LMFAO Ohhhh yes.

[hovis]

Little johnny's mum says that next door have just had a new born, though he was born with no ears.

They are going next door for dinner and little johnny's mum said to little johnny to not make any comments or jokes about hearing or not having any ears.

They go next door and little johnny has been sat patiently not saying anything. Itching to say something he finally plucks up the courage.

"if he has no ears, whats his eye sight like?" little johnny asks

The baby's mother replies "perfectly fine!"

"Good job replies little johnny, where would he put his glasses????"

[Mr Speirs]

After everyday of training a recruit Paratrooper used to phone his proud dad and tell him about his day and how well he'd done.

He phoned him the first time he packed his own parachute, and the first time he practised his landings and he was getting on very well making his father even more proud.

The day finally comes round where the Paratrooper does his first real jump from a plane and the Paratrooper calls his dad afterwards:

'How did the jump go?' Asks the dad
'Well we got up to 10,000ft and I checked the person infronts Parachute then then first 10 guys jumped' Replied the Son
'Did you jump' Dad asks
'Hang on I'm getting to that, My turn came and I went up to the door'
'Did you jump then?' Dad asks again
'Hang on dad im getting to that' Replies the Son 'Well I got all scared and I couldn't do it, the CO then whipped out his **** and it was massive like 14inches long and he said to me 'if you don't Jump I am going to shove this up your ****'
'Did you jump then?' Asks the dad.
'A bit at first'

[wyrdness]

One sunny day in February, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.


The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.


The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love the sound of it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

[Gazza77]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year … namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

“Hellloooo!” (I told him) “It’s been a year”!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up…. He hasn’t called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won’t underestimate a blonde anymore!

[Gazza77]

Terrorists are reported to have hidden bombs in tins of 'Alphabetti Spagetti'

The authorities say that if they go off it could spell disaster.

[RichT]

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[Viney]

:lol: Havent seen that one in ages

[RichT]

:lol: Havent seen that one in ages

Old ones are the best ones... :D

[Gazza77]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend.. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[DarrenSV650S]

The body of a man has been found in the Thames. He was found wearing high heels, women's knickers, fishnet stockings and a Honda shirt. He was also wearing lipstick and had a dildo up his ****.

Before recovering his body, the police removed the Honda shirt to spare any embarrassment to his family:smt003

[cuffy]

My wife was telling her friend that obesity is in her genes.

I had to point out to her that that wasn't true and she looked a fat cnut in a skirt as well.

[Wideboy]

This cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him Whats the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?
The missionary said, To tell you the truth, I'm a friar

[Gene genie]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend.. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
:D:D