The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here

[tactcom7]

Ah yes more than likely, for some stupid reason I thought it would get *'d automatically.

Would be nice if they told you they'd done it just so you knew.

[Reeder]

http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Funny/bitch_stole_my_fish_funny_picture.jpg

[yorkie_chris]

Ah yes more than likely, for some stupid reason I thought it would get *'d automatically.

Would be nice if they told you they'd done it just so you knew.

It would if it was text but not as part of an image.

[carelesschucca]

Andy Carroll = £35 million :smt082

[BigBaddad]

Fernando Torres £50,000,000

[Bluefish]

Keith D £1

[Sally]

Yer maw £0.01

[davepreston]

Yer maw £0.01
sally stop trying to buy a mom
one day they'll find the evil scientist that made you
but surely the monkey or the trout which dna was used would surfice in the mean time




:smt040

[Sally]

Awwwwwww :(

[punyXpress]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king brick wall."

[Essex of Essex]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[andrewsmith]

Yer maw £0.01

Sally

£0/0/1d or a bottle of buckfast
:smt040

[Specialone]

White House bathroom:

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.


That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: 'I found out who ****ed in your
saxophone.'

[Sally]

Sally

£0/0/1d or a bottle of buckfast
:smt040

Bucky anyday!!

[Stingo]

Economic Stimulas payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[Cymraeg_Atodeg]

My weekend has just been sorted for me :-D

[punyXpress]

Courtesy of flymo, 12.01.11

[Sally]

My weekend has just been sorted for me :-D

Ditto ;)

[Owenski]

Sounds like an average weekend with Preston

[Geodude]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[andrewsmith]

:lol:

True story Geo?

[Owenski]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!? " The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire. "

[Geodude]

:lol:

True story Geo?

Now you did look nice in that dress ;)

[Reeder]

Arrrgh Owen!!!!!! That makes me cringe so badly!

[andrewsmith]

not me, would be like...

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/36000/Salma-Hayek-Bearded-Lady-36331.jpg

[Geodude]

@ andrew :smt104

[Sally]

That is so disturbing.

[andrewsmith]

well u asked, it was cringe worthy wen a found it

[Reeder]

With tits like that... I could over look the beard.

[SoulKiss]

not me, would be like...

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/36000/Salma-Hayek-Bearded-Lady-36331.jpg

Is that Osalma Bin Hayek?

[Dave20046]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!? " The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire. "

That's one for bike thieves :smt115

[andrewsmith]

Is that Osalma Bin Hayek?

Answers here

http://goremasternews.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/hayek-to-play-bearded-lady-in-vampire-film/

[xXBADGERXx]

Oh I so wish I had not seen that (Dusk til Dawn , Salma with Python ...... Dusk til Dawn , Salma with Python [-o< ...... Dusk til Dawn ..... )

[Sally]

Answers here

http://goremasternews.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/hayek-to-play-bearded-lady-in-vampire-film/

http://www.google.co.uk/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&biw=1066&bih=545&tbs=isch:1&sa=1&q=salma+hayek&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=

Best use of google image search yet :p

[xXBADGERXx]

.............. gotta go !!!!

<---- Grabs Andrex and Laptop

[andrewsmith]

Oh I so wish I had not seen that (Dusk til Dawn , Salma with Python ...... Dusk til Dawn , Salma with Python [-o< ...... Dusk til Dawn ..... )

Hahaha

Runined your dreams

http://www.google.co.uk/images?um=1&hl=en&safe=off&biw=1066&bih=545&tbs=isch:1&sa=1&q=salma+hayek&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=

Best use of google image search yet :p


+1 :mrgreen:

.............. gotta go !!!!

<---- Grabs Andrex and Laptop

I feel sick after reading that

[xXBADGERXx]

Shhhhh!!! your putting me off my stroke

[Bluepete]

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/01/30/immigration-officer-sacked-for-putting-wife-he-didn-t-like-on-terror-watch-list-115875-22884828/

Hahahahahahaha!

Pete ;)

[Bluepete]

Shhhhh!!! your putting me off my stroke


Don't say vinegar, say Sarsons!

Chips were never the same...

Pete ;)

[xXBADGERXx]

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/01/30/immigration-officer-sacked-for-putting-wife-he-didn-t-like-on-terror-watch-list-115875-22884828/

Hahahahahahaha!

Pete ;)

Aaaaah God that`s a good one :smt040

[andrewsmith]

haha

now who do I know that works at the Uk immigration service :rolleyes:

[Bluepete]

Can you tell what it is yet? (http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2011/art-of-peeling-a-tangerine-p1.php)

Pete ;)

[punyXpress]

The Bronze Rat
An Aussie bloke walks into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Pom and an Indian spin bowler.

[Sally]

Hehehehe

[andrewsmith]

I read that before and have just recovered from the laughter fit, blue but what the hell

[2hys]

My friend Neil was telling me that when spelling words, the letter "I" comes before the letter "E" except after "C"

That's weird.

[DarrenSV650S]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYmnP7VOyo4

[punyXpress]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $5 to $10 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $20 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $20 notes every day'.
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $5 to $10'.
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.... It reads, 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan '.

[squirrel_hunter]

Got overtaken to day by a bloke in a bright yellow AA van.

He was driving erratically waving his arms all over the place, talking to himself, and crying, balling his eyes out.

I thought to myself... He's heading toward a breakdown.

[UKPrincess]

met a chinese man today with only one leg, his name was Tai Wun Shoe

[BanannaMan]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
we'd decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my finance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me - just before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking directly toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"


So, the moral of the story is...
















Always keep some condoms in your car. ;)

[BanannaMan]

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual".

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".

What do you call someone who hardly speaks one language?
"An American".

[BanannaMan]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the

alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you

a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then

the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and

I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each

of you will buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped

his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard

on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his

genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man

stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing

to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up

in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to

hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard".


. . . And you thought it was an alligator joke

[Dicky Ticker]

Bathtub test------

How do you determine when somebody is old enough to be placed in a home?

You sit them in a bath of water and hand them a teaspoon,cup and a bucket
then ask them," How would you empty the bath "


If they reply"I would use the bucket as it is bigger and quicker"

No,wrong answer.











The correct answer is "Pull the plug out"

WOULD YOU LIKE A BED NEAR THE WINDOW NEXT TO MINE?

[2hys]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

[Stu]

Valentines Fairytale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry
me?" The Princess said "NO" And the Prince lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and hung out with skinny big titted broads and hunted and
raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and
drank whisky, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and
never paid child support or alimony and f**ked
cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was
f**kin cool as h*ll and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up ..... The end

[andrewsmith]

Thats a Jem for the day

[Quedos]

Nicked from a cage forum - just prove that no only are we better road users but we tell better jokes too..

There are 3 balloons, Mummy balloon, Daddy balloon and Baby balloon.
Baby balloon is now 4 years old and Daddy balloon tells him that it's about time he slept in his own room.
After much arguing baby balloon agrees.
All goes well on the first night Baby balloon sleeps all night in his own bed. The second night there is a thunder storm, Baby balloon decides to get up and go sleep with Mummy and Daddy balloon. But when he tries to get into bed between Mummy and Daddy he finds there isn't space.

Baby balloon goes down to Mummys knot undoes it and lets a little air out thinking she won't notice. He tries to squeeze in between Mummy and Daddy but still there isn't enough space. He goes down to Daddys knot undoes it and lets a little air out thinking he won't notice. Again he tries to squeeze in between Mummy and Daddy but still there isn't enough space.

Finally he goes down to his own knot undoes it and lets a little air out. He tries to squeeze in between Mummy and Daddy and finds there is just enough space.

In the morning when Daddy balloon wakes to find him there he is angry and gives baby balloon a telling off.

" Son I am disappointed not only have you let both me and your mother down, but you have let yourself down"

[Rai86]

On behalf of Cuffy via FB for all of you that are missing him

I asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.
He shaved my pubes off.









I hate the way everyone exploited Valentine's day by putting their prices up.
I just paid £40 for two Rohypnol.

[Bluepete]

http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/keeptryingp1.gif





http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/07ab38d7-8967-493e-9604-7dd3af4d0230.jpg



Pete ;)

[Bluefish]

On behalf of Cuffy via FB for all of you that are missing him

I asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.
He shaved my pubes off.









I hate the way everyone exploited Valentine's day by putting their prices up.
I just paid £40 for two Rohypnol.

yep, there from cuffy, :D

[tactcom7]

My girlfriend was struggling to park the car yesterday.
I said, "You need to get tested"
She said, "I'm not that bad at driving"
I said, "No ... I've got chlamydia"

[Ed]

All Seniors Aren't Senile!

An old man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young thing at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend...'

[metalangel]

Hello all,

Posting this from the emergency room. Turns out that Dyson Ball Cleaner doesn't work the way I thought it did...

[metalangel]

Stephen Hawking comes home covered in cuts and bruises.

"What happened?" ask his mates.

Hawking replies, I went on a blind date and she stood me up!

[Stingo]

Yodelling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?


Many years ago a man was travelling through the Mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could stay the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow's travelling through,” said the farmer, “needed a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn about an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain?

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....






"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

:D O I'm just loling all over the place!!

[punyXpress]

Incontinence Hotline - Can You Hold Please?

[Quedos]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and
realised she was just on standby.

[metalangel]

Saw a burglar scrambling down the wall and escaping as I got home today. Nothing was taken, though, as the wife must've put up a good fight. She was naked, drenched in sweat and could barely walk.

[Essex of Essex]

Rec'd from a female friend - thought I would share:


Something to think about when negative

people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone

who knows nothing and cares less tries to make

your life miserable.




A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her

hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who

responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to

Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got

a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..

" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,

their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always

late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on

Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.. I know that place.

Everybody thinks its gonna' be something special

and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe

get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a

million other people trying to see him. He'll look

the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're

going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a

hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip

to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not

only were we on time in one of Continental's brand

new planes, but it was overbooked, and they

bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine

were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old

steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a

$5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel,

the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were

overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their

owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well

and good, but I know you didn't get to see the

Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we

toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on

the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to

meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as

to step into his private room and wait, the Pope

would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked

through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down

and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the Hell did your hair?"

[Viney]

:lol: I didnt see that coming, excellent

[andrewsmith]

Quality, made me snigger

[davepreston]

p0rn cant be evil, not with that many nuns in it

[Jordy]

Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea - 'Jack Russell Howard' is expected to be the favourite.

[Dave20046]

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2011/02/11

[toxic]

A young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house bloke is thinking mmm! I bet her daughter is hot. When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a 'Sportsman's Double'? "Wots that?" he asks. "It's a Mother & daughter threesome!" he says. "WOW YES PLEASE" So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on & shouts "Mum put your teeth in, he's up for it"!!

[andrewsmith]

:puker:

[pudsey]

"I really need some advice for a serious problem.....I suspect for sometime now that the misses has been cheating!. The usual signs; phone rings, if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot...I try to stay up to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind my motorbike. When she comes home she got out of some blokes car and was buttoning her blouse up. Next she took her panties out of her bag and but them on. It was at that moment I noticed it, a hairline crack in the engine mount bracket.....is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?"

[Bluepete]

We saw this on the way home from Manchester. The lad driving appeared very confused why everyone was pointing and laughing!

http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk24/conker51/P1030481.jpg

Pete ;)

[Binky]

We saw this on the way home from Manchester. The lad driving appeared very confused why everyone was pointing and laughing!

Pete ;)

That is getting done to many a friends car now. :)

[andrewsmith]

haha thats quality

[Pedrosa]

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' OH SH*T!"

[The Guru]

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.


Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.


Pat: - 'Scuse me. No offence mate, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - I've got a bloody big house. Five bedrooms... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - Yeah I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.


Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a ******!

:mrgreen:

[squirrel_hunter]

Is it better to have loved and lost a Midget, then to never to have loved a tall?

[toxic]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JBWQhHobN8

[punyXpress]

Always wondered which charm school BP went to?
and a 9 year old UK registered car for NYPD ?

[Stingo]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favorite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

[squirrel_hunter]

I'm sad to announce the inventor of the estimate has passed away.

His funeral will be sometime next week.

[squirrel_hunter]

What do you call a man made from 4 different body parts?


Tony Hancock.

[punyXpress]

Remember your driving test?
Here is a traffic law question. If you miss it you may be too old to drive.

http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f631487%5fABCwktkAAUwhTWztMwgOY0gI y%2fk&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Traffic Question :

Most men will get this right!

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:

(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles , or


(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?









http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f631487%5fABCwktkAAUwhTWztMwgOY0gI y%2fk&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1




Scroll down...






http://f263.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f631487%5fABCwktkAAUwhTWztMwgOY0gI y%2fk&pid=4&fid=Inbox&inline=1

A: Why take unnecessary risks?

[Luckypants]

One assumes there is a missing photo in the above joke? :D


EDIT: Ha! Ha! Googled the joke and I was right. Sorry Puny, that would not pass u-rating (at least the one I saw wouldn't!)

[xXBADGERXx]

One assumes there is a missing JOKE in the above joke :D

Corrected for you ;)

[xXBADGERXx]

Last Sunday, I was sitting on my deckchair, drinking a beer and watching my wife mowing the lawn.
Margaret , my ‘Nosey cow’ neighbour saw us and was so upset that she came over and said to me “You lazy b***ard!! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that bloody ancient lawn mower around. Get off your ar$e and give her a break.” She yelled.
I thought “Here we bloody go” and took another swig from my can , licked the froth from my lips, belch loudly, stared directly at this nosey cow and said “Sod off and mind your own husband . My wife has green fingers right … she enjoys gardening what has it got to do with you ?”

After a few days, I felt really bad so I went out and picked up a really good deal on a ‘ride-on mower’ which I bought her…just to show how much I love her. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

Yes, guys. Afterall, we should really take good care of our missus….that way, they’ll take good care of us.

I have attached a picture below…
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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v605/xXBADGERXx/bike.jpg


I do worry though that maybe I’m getting too soft on her, next thing she’ll be demanding are 10-speed gears on it!

[Quedos]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[Owenski]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

[2hys]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick"

:D

[punyXpress]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.


St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. "I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?"
God says "We are over quota on Gypos. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in."
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. "They've gone", he tells God.
"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"
"No, the gates"

[toxic]

Not the Cleveland Show. (http://www.clevescene.com/scene-and-heard/archives/2010/08/26/colondra-hamilton-charged-for-************-watching-porn-while-driving)

[Bluepete]

Clever helmets;

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?viral_id=28842

Pete ;)

[Dave20046]

Clever helmets;

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?viral_id=28842

Pete ;)

I just actually googled it to buy one of those , pretty disappointed now.