View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
Before that he owned a pub on Cathedral Road in Cardiff called "The Halfway Inn"....... but experience has allowed him to move upwards from there.
Is that where he played his first gig? heard he went down well :mrgreen:
Wideboy
16-06-07, 02:10 PM
oh god :cheers:
Is that where he played his first gig? heard he went down well :mrgreen:
It's where he first used his catchphrase "All right at the back?"
Wideboy
16-06-07, 02:19 PM
Why has Michael Barrymore not got any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool Alledgedly
Why has Michael Barrymore not got any ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool
Alledgedly [-X
This thread seems to be heading to the gutter now...
Spiderman
16-06-07, 07:13 PM
la-la-la, i'm listening to something else
http://img2.putfile.com/thumb/6/16615122940.jpg (http://www.putfile.com/pic.php?img=5701724)
:lol:
dizzyblonde
16-06-07, 07:16 PM
post that on the cats eh? thread
Spiderman
16-06-07, 07:49 PM
post that on the cats eh? thread
Ah but it was that thread that inspired me to lift the tone in here with this. So i'm now stuck in a quandry... no, a paradox inside a quandry of where to post what. :confused:
Sheesh, thanks a bunch!
;)
Wideboy
16-06-07, 08:35 PM
i know how to lift everyone up (every pun intended :mrgreen:)
Have you heard about the new Viagra eye drops? They don't do anything for your sex life, but they do make you look hard!
bo dom dom chish why thank you :takeabow:
dizzyblonde
17-06-07, 02:58 PM
reporter interviewing 104 year old woman
"and what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
she replies
"no peer pressure":smt101
A bit of acrobatics anyone? (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/628015/amazing_sports_acrobatics/)
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers
: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
:cool:
dizzyblonde
18-06-07, 12:42 PM
A bit of acrobatics anyone? (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/628015/amazing_sports_acrobatics/)
no joke mr jdubya, I was a gymnast for nearly ten years, and its a very serious training regime to get to the standards of those guys, I trained sat, sun, tues and thurs for hours, they must train permanent.
I don't envy them when they get to my age, a lot of my joints are stuffed.
Its hard to convince a gp you've got injuries when you have good flexiblity for someone squirming in agony!!
A bit of acrobatics anyone? (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/628015/amazing_sports_acrobatics/)
Holy fook! :o That's amazing!
Pedrosa
18-06-07, 05:14 PM
no joke mr jdubya, I was a gymnast for nearly ten years, and its a very serious training regime to get to the standards of those guys, I trained sat, sun, tues and thurs for hours, they must train permanent.
I don't envy them when they get to my age, a lot of my joints are stuffed.
Its hard to convince a gp you've got injuries when you have good flexiblity for someone squirming in agony!!
So does that mean you can ride your bike with your legs wrapped around the back of your head?;)
dizzyblonde
18-06-07, 05:30 PM
no mr pedrosa. I am an old lady these days. Riding like that is extremely naughty...tut tut. although on a good day I can still get a leg over my head
no mr pedrosa. I am an old lady these days. Riding like that is extremely naughty...tut tut. although on a good day I can still get a leg over my head
Would this 'leg' be one of yours?....or...or...
dizzyblonde
18-06-07, 07:23 PM
more likely to be a peg leg these days
There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????.......................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it .
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is..........
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
gettin2dizzy
19-06-07, 11:46 AM
I thought the unnecessary incest was funnier ;)
Steve W
19-06-07, 06:57 PM
Q: What's got three wheels and drives along the bottom of the riverbed? A: A motorpike and sidecarp.
Wideboy
19-06-07, 07:02 PM
lol that was crude but very funny:thumbsup:
Bluepete
20-06-07, 10:23 AM
http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t48/conker51/Any_Is_Too_Many.jpg
thebluelion
20-06-07, 10:41 AM
A bit of acrobatics anyone? (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/628015/amazing_sports_acrobatics/)
That is awesome make ur eyes water u would think something should snap
Herb and Sandy.......
Herb had decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing....
holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is" he said....
8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.
In the past, if 20 white guys were chasing a black man, it would be called Ku Klux Klan. Now, it is called Formula One.
In the past, if 20 white guys were chasing a black man, it would be called Ku Klux Klan. Now, it is called Formula One.
Tee hee hee! :D
therealvw
20-06-07, 10:46 PM
Two cannibals sat around a campfire, chomping away on a troop of Clowns.
One cannibal says to the other.
" Does this taste funny to you??"
And another,
Two snowmen stood side by side, one says to the other one,
" can you smell carrots?"
gettin2dizzy
20-06-07, 11:13 PM
In the past, if 20 white guys were chasing a black man, it would be called Ku Klux Klan. Now, it is called Formula One.
In the more recent past, if 20 white guys were chasing a black man, it would be called Ku Klux Klan. Now, it is called the PGA tour
...groan ;)
therealvw
20-06-07, 11:22 PM
Trailer Trash....
You know you're Trailer Trash if you let your twelve year old daughter smoke....in front of her child!
In the more recent past, if 20 white guys were chasing a black man, it would be called Ku Klux Klan. Now, it is called the PGA tour
...groan ;)
Also, you know the worlds changing when the best rapper in the world is a white guy, the best golfer in the world is a black guy and germany doesn't want to go to war!:nemo:
You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.http://www.funnyhumor.com/viewcount.php?type=joke&id=1022&s=
Warthog
21-06-07, 11:59 AM
This is my first night at comedy club, so please go easy on me ;)
*ahem*
There once was a dog from Pirbright
Who played on his piano all night
This shrewd way of play
Kept the burglars away
Cos his Bach was much worse than his bite
:)
Bluewolf
21-06-07, 12:03 PM
:smt043
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One's white, plastic and a danger to your children, the other carries your groceries.
This is my first night at comedy club, so please go easy on me ;)
*ahem*
There once was a dog from Pirbright
Who played on his piano all night
This shrewd way of play
Kept the burglars away
Cos his Bach was much worse than his bite
:)
:rolleyes: I can hear the masses now calling for there true comedy hero :thumbsup:
:rolleyes: I can hear the masses now calling for there true comedy hero :thumbsup:
its ok cuffy,here i am
A chap who was out for a walk spotted the farmer stood in the middle of a pasture staring into space. "Are you O.K.?" he asked the farmer.
"Certainly " replied the farmer,"I'm just trying to win a Nobel Prize"
"How are you going to do that?" asked the walker
"Well" he replied,"I read the other day that to win the Nobel Prize you have to be out standing in your field"
its ok cuffy,here i am
A chap who was out for a walk spotted the farmer stood in the middle of a pasture staring into space. "Are you O.K.?" he asked the farmer.
"Certainly " replied the farmer,"I'm just trying to win a Nobel Prize"
"How are you going to do that?" asked the walker
"Well" he replied,"I read the other day that to win the Nobel Prize you have to be out standing in your field"
Its ok Cuffy, you're safe. Its not the content, cos this is bad, its the way you tell em!!:D
_Stretchie_
22-06-07, 11:03 AM
This is my first night at comedy club, so please go easy on me :wink:
*ahem*
There once was a dog from Pirbright
Who played on his piano all night
This shrewd way of play
Kept the burglars away
Cos his Bach was much worse than his bite
:smile:
:rolleyes: I can hear the masses now calling for there true comedy hero :thumbsup:
Funny you should say that mate, I was going to accuse Warthog of plagerism. That sounded like one of yours
:smt037
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to
look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her *rse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."
:drink: :smt026
Damn - Saturday morning coffee all over the place...:smt041 :grin: :grin: :thumbsup: :smt082 :smt081
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
tinpants
24-06-07, 08:04 PM
Was the chief Welsh then? :D
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and
said to his wife "Ya know sumptin', womon,we have a
wonderful new system at de Fire Station...
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
So from now on womon, when I say.......
'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
When I say... 'Bell two', jump on de bed.
When I say ' Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru
de night girl."
The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".
"WOMON... What DA hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.
She replied:
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"
Bluewolf
26-06-07, 08:43 AM
http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/6781/piratesshrekpk6.jpg
Tesla Music (http://www.hauntedfrog.com/gt/movies/2007/duckon/SingingTeslaShow.html)
One for the ladies :D
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however,
is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked,"What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"),
because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and....
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, ou find yourself spending
half your wages on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them,you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Q. What do you call a Hi-Fi system made entirely out of cake?
A. A Gateaux Blaster :D
Bluewolf
27-06-07, 07:32 AM
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~kacollin/images/HeadInHands.jpg
therealvw
27-06-07, 07:38 AM
Heres one I got via emal ages ago. Thought it was very funny., Bit long though...
Dear Audrey,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I
guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot
of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as
one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you,
but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe
19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a
childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's
dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I
thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.
It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her
better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought
of that before.
I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to
watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she
figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a
few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in
our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's
not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear
us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother' old vanity.
So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't
help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a
sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time.
She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in
general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really
is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured
you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can
do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?
I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
therealvw
27-06-07, 07:39 AM
and another one, long too, but funny non the less
Going away for two weeks and I must find a sitter for my cat. You would
need to take him to your apartment because my house sitters are deathly
allergic. A liitle background information for prospective babysitters...
Three years ago a friend asked me if I would adopt an orange kitten that
was found at 3 weeks old under a staircase nearly starved to death.
Being an animal lover with extensive animal rehab experience I said yes.
And so the cat was mine.
I just don't like my cat. I love my cat and I give him a wonderful
happy, safe life, but I don't like him. You get the idea. When you meet
this cat you will wonder why. You will think poorly of me and call me
cruel. Because when you meet this cat he will come to you and meow. He
will jump on your lap and put his front legs on either side of your neck
and hug. Yes. The cat hugs. It's bizarre, but true. He will follow you
around and cuddle and be the perfect cat. He will shock and amaze you at
all of the words he understands. You can tell the cat to go lay down and
he will. You can tell him to get his cat-toy and he will. He will charm
you with his personality and you will want to love him forever.
So what's the big deal?
He has ass glands that swell and tend to leak out poop scented oil. Yup.
Leaky ass glands. The vet says it's no big deal and there's not much to
do other than "milk" them from time to time. Yeah, that's fun. Squeezing
out cat ass juice is one of the most heinous things I can think of. But
it must be done. Otherwise you will find ass-juice spots all over your
bed, chairs, window sills, and any freshly cleaned clothes that happen
to be around.
The ass-juice also results in ass-juice dingle berries that tend to form
on the posterior end of the cat. The AJDB's must be plucked off with
warm paper towels and discarded. The cat does not like this process. You
will be scratched numerous times as you attempt to clean a giant
thrashing cat butt.
Because he is a rescue and most likely some inbred runt of the litter
and missing a few genes, his teeth all fell out at 7 months of age. This
means you must make him a special concoction of rice, wet cat food, and
egg whites that looks only slightly worse than it smells. Cat will gum
this slop up out of his bowl with such intensity that it causes him to
then puke it all right back up and ingest it for a second time.
Cat likes attention and is very affectionate. There is a catch. The cat
will NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. Not for a second. If you are on the
bed, the cat is on the bed. On the couch? Cat's on the couch. If you go
to take a ****, the cat will open the bathroom door(yes he figured out
doorknobs) and stare at you on the throne. When you leave it will sit at
the door and howl until you return. Neighboors will hate you.
You could pet him, but then you will end up covered in hair. A rare skin
condition (three cheers for inbreeding) causes him to shed more than
usual. One brush of the fur and you will have a wad of hair in your hand
that could easily create 4 orange toupes. Be wary when getting dressed
in the morning for one rub on the leg from this feline and you will look
as if you are wearing UGGS inside out over your dress pants.
You can't leave the cat alone for too long because he gets caught on
things. Sigh. Yet another birth defect has rendered him unable to
control his claw retraction. Cat walks on the floor and the claws pick
things up. Cat keeps walking and before you know it he's dragging some
stockings, a washcloth, dust bunnies, and some yarn behind him. One then
must pick up cat and pluck the claws out of said items without getting
snagged yourself. Never ever allow cat to jump off of your lap without
assistance or your pants just might leave as well.
So that's my lousy cat. Who wants the job?
Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent.
No other children volunteered.
Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!!"
Tollbooth... (http://s66.photobucket.com/albums/h276/davestrauss/?action=view¤t=tollboooth.flv)
Bluewolf
28-06-07, 07:26 AM
Holy crap! :o
Bluewolf
28-06-07, 12:37 PM
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.
She then walked off.
"Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length..."
Wideboy
28-06-07, 06:18 PM
Tollbooth... (http://s66.photobucket.com/albums/h276/davestrauss/?action=view¤t=tollboooth.flv)
flipping heck!
thebluelion
29-06-07, 01:15 PM
Tesla Music (http://www.hauntedfrog.com/gt/movies/2007/duckon/SingingTeslaShow.html)
Is that for real
Little Jayne walks in and asks her dad "what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one of them is on top of the other one"? Dad not wishing to lead her astray replies "well, its called sex" this satisfies Jayne and off she goes back out to play.
Five minutes later she comes back in and says to dad "its not called sex, its called bunk beds and Mrs Smith from next door would like a word with you".
Loses something in the translation don't you think!!:rolleyes: :-s ;)
dizzyblonde
01-07-07, 10:05 PM
it came from france
Bluewolf
02-07-07, 01:16 PM
http://www.ctgilles.net/images/pictars/red_x_warning.gif
Bluewolf
02-07-07, 01:27 PM
A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar..."
it came from france
Yep - that'll be it for sure!!:smt005
Oh dear. Perhaps Bluewolf can come to the rescue...:smt081
slightly not U rated but very funny (needs speakers)
http://s210.photobucket.com/albums/bb188/XB12S/?action=view¤t=BannedCommercials-MastercardPricele.flv
Bluepete
05-07-07, 11:50 AM
http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t48/conker51/Bike%20cam/Letter_of_the_day.jpg
tinpants
05-07-07, 04:05 PM
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day,
whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these
parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give
them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were
females. The frog granted his wish.Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second
wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females
as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he
climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted
two
wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear
made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as
well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr.Rabbit
for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish
that..........Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could! .....
dizzyblonde
05-07-07, 08:15 PM
why a man needs his wife!!!!
http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb45/loubi650/manandwife.jpg
hope this worked this time got vista probs
Police have stopped wouldbe terrorists trying to drive a 4x4 into the Ulley resevoir in Sheffield.
A police spokesman believes it could be the start of "Ram-A-Dam"
=D>
DanDare
06-07-07, 10:49 AM
Police have stopped wouldbe terrorists trying to drive a 4x4 into the Ulley resevoir in Sheffield.
A police spokesman believes it could be the start of "Ram-A-Dam"
=D>
:smt044 =D>
plowsie
06-07-07, 03:21 PM
18 year old goes into a bar orders 8 double whiskys, barman says wat u drowning your sorrows or celebrating for, he says "a blow***", the barman turns round and says well done mate and passes him a ninth, the lad turns round and says cheers mate but if 8 dont get rid of this taste i dunno what will :lol:
18 year old goes into a bar orders 8 double whiskys, barman says wat u drowning your sorrows or celebrating for, he says "a blow***", the barman turns round and says well done mate and passes him a ninth, the lad turns round and says cheers mate but if 8 dont get rid of this taste i dunno what will :lol:
[-X :sick: :pukel: :puker: :smt118 :smt078
plowsie
06-07-07, 04:06 PM
[-X :sick: :pukel: :puker: :smt118 :smt078
i thought was pretty good lol i have another one but i'll leave it for another day
What Law School Will Do to a Christmas Poem
The Night Before Christmas - in Legal Retrospect
Whereas, on or about the night prior to
Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved
piece of real property hereinafter "the House"
a general lack of stirring by all creatures
therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stockings, socks,
etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St.
Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time
thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the
aforementioned House, were located in their
individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of
confectionery treats, including, but not limited
to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes
hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Momma"),
and said Momma had retired for a sustained
period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were
clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief
and cap).
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning,
there did occur upon the unimproved real
property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown
nature, cause, and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window
in the House to investigate the cause of such
disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did
observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
"Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight
reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in
fact, was the previously-referenced Claus. Said
Claus was providing specific directions,
instruction and guidance to the approximately
eight reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher,
Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted
that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph"
may have been involved).
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the
Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully
trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the
House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily
laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered
said House via said House's carbon particulate
matter emitter, sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "Chimney."
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was
partially covered with residue from the chimney,
and he carried a large sack containing a portion
of the aforementioned packages, toys and other
unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a
small pipe in blatant violation of local
ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to
fill the stocking of the minor children, which
hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however,
constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the
applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code).
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the
side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended
up the Chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle,
Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the
first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a
good night!" Or words to that effect, also in
violation of local environmental Noise Control
regulations.
Author unknown
fizzwheel
07-07-07, 06:25 PM
Moved to Jokes thread...
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
:geek:
phil24_7
07-07-07, 08:33 PM
Apologies if already posted but 78 pages is a little more time than I have!!
Police today have shut of Liverpool airport due to a suspicious car. The car in question had a registered keeper, was taxed and insured!!!
plowsie
09-07-07, 09:44 AM
3 women walking down the beach and see a man with no arms and no legs ,one woman says, "have you ever been hugged", he says "no i haven't" so she bends down and gives him a hug. The next lady asks "have you ever been kissed?" the man replies "no i havent" so she kisses him. The next lady says to him "have you ever been f***ed?" with a smile on his face he replies "no i haven't" she says "well you will be when the tide comes in" ;)
:lol:
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor,
you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. sometimes the bull wins.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my
brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer and was a fully scholarshipped student at the university
before I dedicated my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother ~
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud
of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?"
An old biker went to the movie theater to see a show.
The ticket agent said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
"That's my pet rooster," said the biker. "I don't go anywhere without him."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent, "but we can't allow animals in the theater."
The old biker goes around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his coveralls. He returns to the booth, buys a ticket, enters the theater, and sits down next to, two old ladies named Mildred and Marge.
When the movie starts, the rooster begins to squirm, so the old biker unzips the fly of his coveralls so he can stick his head out.
Mildred, who was sitting closest to the biker leans over and whispers to Marge, "I think the guy sitting next to me is a pervert!"
"What makes you say that?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too, said Mildred, "But this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
French Beatbox Championship 2006 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P7sdo_Aj0o&mode=related&search=//url)
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired and fell asleep quickly....him in the upper bunk and she in the
lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just pretend
that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed!
"Good" she replied... "Get your own 'f'*** blanket."
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
Gordon B
10-07-07, 09:15 AM
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up ,putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
After the recent Glasgow airport attack by wouldbe bombers (Sinja Majeep and Mustafa Skingraft)
There will be a charity event held for failed suicide bombers.
For more information go to:
www.friends-reignited.com (http://www.friends-reignited.com)
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
DanDare
11-07-07, 11:23 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."
"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."
timwilky
11-07-07, 02:01 PM
file:///D:/DOCUME%7E1/tjw/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-1.jpgfile:///D:/DOCUME%7E1/tjw/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-2.jpgIn the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it"
After the recent Glasgow airport attack by wouldbe bombers (Sinja Majeep and Mustafa Skingraft)
There will be a charity event held for failed suicide bombers.
For more information go to:
www.friends-reignited.com (http://www.friends-reignited.com)
Now thats funny. If you click the link, its sends you to a website for Uk highschools!!
Received this email today...
WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...
but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning
I received from a friend today to everyone on your e-mail list.
'If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up.
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!......They only want to see you naked.'
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
think this probably belongs here...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eddingtons-56BG-Banana-Guard/dp/B000ICHPU8/ref=sr_1_47/202-7277507-2710213?ie=UTF8&s=sports&qid=1184609105&sr=1-47
proof you can buy anything...
think this probably belongs here...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eddingtons-56BG-Banana-Guard/dp/B000ICHPU8/ref=sr_1_47/202-7277507-2710213?ie=UTF8&s=sports&qid=1184609105&sr=1-47
proof you can buy anything...
You may laugh, but I'm pretty sure that won product of the year in some cycling magazine a year or so back.
John 675
17-07-07, 08:06 AM
(clean version) :D
Ok. . Two men are playing golf on an irish golf course, one of them belts the ball and it goes into some woods, so he goes running in to find it,
But low and behold the ball had hit a leprichaun square in the face and knocked him clean out.
The gent eventually comes across his golf ball and the leprichaun with a bloody nose, "Ye hit me Widure bloody ball ye dam fool, But ye caught me so ye get yur tree wishes, wat can i do fer ye?
The gent looks sumwhat confused and replies "well i dont really want anything thank you im quite content living the life i live, but thanks anyway"
the gent picks up his ball and walks off
The little leprichaun was staggered no one had ever turned down the wishes, what an amazing man he thought, and just for that he decided he would give him his three wishes anyway,
he would
1, make him the best golfer in all of ireland
2, make him the richest man in ireland
and 3, make him have the best secs life of any man in ireland
so a year passes and the gent is once again on the golf course about to get his 18th hole in one when he hears a little voice behind him
"psst"
so he turns, and there was the little leprichaun
"hello te ye, how are tings at de moment?"
the gent replies,
"its unbelievable! i just seem to get a hole in one every time i play golf ! ! my pockets just grow money ! ! and i get Secs twice a week!!!!!"
the lepichaun looks at the gent " twice a week? TWICE A WEEK!!!?"
the gent looks away and lines up his next hole in one and says -
"last time i checked that wasnt too bad for a Catholic Preist"
think this probably belongs here...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eddingtons-56BG-Banana-Guard/dp/B000ICHPU8/ref=sr_1_47/202-7277507-2710213?ie=UTF8&s=sports&qid=1184609105&sr=1-47
proof you can buy anything...
Is that to protect against the other type of tank slapping? :smt119 :D
A Little girl goes into a pet shop and asks "excuth me, do you have any
widdle wabbits?"
The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so he's on her level, and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers.....
"I Don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a f*ck, do you?"
Next
2 Dyslexic men in a car, 1 said to the other "Can you smell petrol?"
The other replies "Don't be f**kin stupid I can't even smell my name....!"
(A joke stolen from BBD)
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The Drunk replied, "Cause you're an ugly cow."
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show it who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Monkey House, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions’ cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the resident lions and says "What's the food like here?"
Scroll down …
(Wait for it!!)....
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
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