View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
What's pink & fluffy?
Pink fluff
What's blue & fluffy?
Cold pink fluff
Do I win the prize for worst joke?
Shame on you[-X
What's pink & fluffy?
Pink fluff
What's blue & fluffy?
Cold pink fluff
Do I win the prize for worst joke?
:smt067 :smt065 :smt075 :smt021 Is this the answer you're looking for?
we always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-
Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or bikes
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education
Click on http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Ferrari-Testarossa_W0QQitemZ300076657156QQihZ020QQcategory Z6212QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
And then checkout his last purchase from his feedback
http://feedback.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewFeedback&userid=antiques71&iid=300076657156&ftab=FeedbackAsSeller&ssPageName=VIP:feedback:2:us
Car is a Pennis extention... We have formal proofs... (http://londonbikers.com/forums/shwmessage.aspx?ForumID=58&MessageID=173597)
Apologies anyone already seen it on LB
Click on http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Ferrari-Testarossa_W0QQitemZ300076657156QQihZ020QQcategory Z6212QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
And then checkout his last purchase from his feedback
http://feedback.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewFeedback&userid=antiques71&iid=300076657156&ftab=FeedbackAsSeller&ssPageName=VIP:feedback:2:us
Car is a Pennis extention... We have formal proofs... (http://londonbikers.com/forums/shwmessage.aspx?ForumID=58&MessageID=173597)
Apologies anyone already seen it on LB
3RD TIME LUCKY?
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", we can beg to differ.
We not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
Shamelessly ripped off another forum but it's worth a read.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
Reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that woman are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and do not speak.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
An Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick...
I thank you! :takeabow:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady near a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"
Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick...
I thank you! :takeabow:
:smt012 :smt067 :jocolor:
:smt012 :smt067 :jocolor:
Oi, I will have you know thats first class humour that! :-P
Subject: FW: Bill gates
Bill gates dies and goes to heaven, he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and his given the keys to a very big mansion with a pool and a rolls royce.
He settles down and enjoys himself and after a few weeks goes for a walk.
He meets a nother man who is dressed in a very smart suit, and Bill passes comment about it.
The man says "that's nothing, I was given 50 of these when I arrived plus 6 mansions and 6 cars."
Bill asks whether he was a Pope or a very well known doctor or something amazing but the man replies that he was only the captain of the Titanic.
Bill rushes of the see St. Peter and complains that why has he only got 1 of each when he invented microsoft and the captain of the Titanic has 6?
St. Peter replies that they actually use Microsoft,
Bill says "so?"
St. Peter says...
wait for it.....!
The Titanic only crashed once.:-P
_Stretchie_
21-02-07, 12:19 PM
A penguin takes his car to a garage
The mechanic looks at it and says it’ll take him about an hour to check it out so the penguin goes to the shop to kill some time and orders an ice cream
The poor penguin has trouble eating the ice cream cos he has no hands and ends up getting it all over his beak
Anyway, he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal”
The penguin says “Nah, that’s just ice cream…”
BOOM BOOM
:shaking: I’ll get me coat
A penguin takes his car to a garage
The mechanic looks at it and says it’ll take him about an hour to check it out so the penguin goes to the shop to kill some time and orders an ice cream
The poor penguin has trouble eating the ice cream cos he has no hands and ends up getting it all over his beak
Anyway, he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal”
The penguin says “Nah, that’s just ice cream…”
BOOM BOOM
:shaking: I’ll get me coat
Come back Cuffy (nearly) all is forgiven ;)
Come back Cuffy (nearly) all is forgiven ;)
I knew it wouldn't be long before the masses started calling back for there true comedy hero :D
I knew it wouldn't be long before the masses started calling back for there true comedy hero :D
Now, that IS funny...:smt043 :smt044
Double Entendres
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on ****er Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off.
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old Fa*t, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster thinks a while and replies, "I tell you what, young stud, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BANG - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third ferkin GAY rooster I've bought this month."
Moral of this story? .........
Don't mess with the OLD FAR*S - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry
her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at
a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed
by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened
out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he
came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on
her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked
both sides of the river."
A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind man, 'I'm just having a look round.'
A "smoking kills" ad can be found HERE (http://http://s73.photobucket.com/albums/i222/Shado_00/?action=view¤t=fun_031_carpet_layer.flv)
Spiderman
26-02-07, 08:13 PM
A "smoking kills" ad can be found HERE (http://http://s73.photobucket.com/albums/i222/Shado_00/?action=view¤t=fun_031_carpet_layer.flv)
Dead link or me mate, redirects to "search machine. com"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
(Wait for it)
*
(It's coming)
*
(Ya ready?)
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
Spiderman
26-02-07, 08:26 PM
i dont hate you as much as thought i would, that was pretty funny :lol:
Bluepete
27-02-07, 09:20 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMMfgWhm3g
Probably been done before, but I have just fallen off the sofa laughing!
Social Security
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. '' I’ll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said,” That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.":rolleyes:
Tony Blair is being shown around an Ayr hospital.
Towards the end of his visit, he is taken onto a ward of people with
no obvious signs of injury.
He greets the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' you honest sonsie face,
Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thaim,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next
patient and greets him.
He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some hae nane that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the
third patient who immediately begins to declaim, "Wee sleekit,
cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"
Alarmed, Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an
explanation: "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"
"No", replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
skidmarx
28-02-07, 11:08 AM
Miss is taking class and asking questions on maths,
'So class if you saw three little birds sitting on a fence, and the farmer came along and shot one, how many would be left?
Little Johnny eagerly puts his hand up.....
'None miss'
Confused, miss probes a little deeper....
'Oh right Johnny, and why do you say that?'
'Well miss one would be dead, and the other two would be frightened off by the loud bang'
'Well that's the wrong answer I'm afraid, but I like your thinking, anybody else?'
A few minutes later, Johnny puts his hand up again...
'Miss can I ask you a question?'
'Yes of course you can but is it about maths Johnny?'
'Yes miss, If you saw three girls sitting on a wall eating an ice cream, and one was licking, one was sucking and one was nibbling, which one would be married?'
Miss looks away to consider her options.....
'er well would it be the one nibbling Johnny?'
'No miss, it would be the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like your thinking!'
Bonus mark for anyone who knows where it came from....:D
Just came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy so thought that I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then
25kg potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift
a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute (I'm at this level).
3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
bags.
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A BABOOM!!!!!
Filipe M.
01-03-07, 12:12 PM
What do you call an exploding money?
My good sir, shouldn't it be "monkey"? :lol:
Paddy and Mick go for a flight in a small plane.
Paddy turns to Mick and says " If we turn upside down do you think we'll fall out?"
"I doubt it" Says Mick "We've been mates for years"
Filipe M.
01-03-07, 02:46 PM
*wonders if the rating thingy works for individual posts...*
The 14 Stone 8 pound kid was asked recently what was his favorite musical instrument, to which he replied "The Dinner Bell" !!!!
Filipe M.
01-03-07, 02:47 PM
*looks for the negative rating thingy*
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
......
There are no words to describe that joke.
Oh wait.. yes there is.. Sh**e ;)
whats black & white, & eats like a horse?
:confused:
:confused:
a ZEBRA :smt082
......
There are no words to describe that joke.
Oh wait.. yes there is.. Sh**e ;)
Is that a challenge? Come on then do your worst, come on let's hear um, I offer you a duel. :smt071
Is that a challenge? Come on then do your worst, come on let's hear um, I offer you a duel. :smt071
Worst? erm...
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate!
I will opt for my old favourite though
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.”
Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies.
Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”
Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby.
“Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel.
You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.”
Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental.
Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells
Booooooo Rubbish Booooooo
how do you know if its raining cats & dogs?
.
.
you will step in a poodle
http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r203/tatgirl_bucket/hismiley.gif
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
.....
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
Steve W
04-03-07, 04:43 PM
The Biker Bar
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A CANTERBURY farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each of them twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day ******** the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
While I was watching the NFL playoff games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the television, and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass
:rolleyes:
Worst? erm...
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate!
I will opt for my old favourite though
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”
He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.”
Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies.
Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”
Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby.
“Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel.
You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.”
Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental.
Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells
Fair do's it is a better joke but bleedin' old! I would cut out the criticism if this is the best response!!:D :smt103
Fair do's it is a better joke but bleedin' old! I would cut out the criticism if this is the best response!!:D :smt103
*chuckle*
I did say it was an old favourite. ;)
Fair criticism. If I was actually funny, I'd be a comedian. I know some other jokes but they're quite old as well (plus ruder).
Filipe M.
05-03-07, 10:37 PM
Fluctuations? :lol:
Fluctuations? :lol:
nah, older than that. Wonder Woman on a roof top, Superman flying by..... blah blah.
nah, older than that. Wonder Woman on a roof top, Superman flying by..... blah blah.
Didn't see that one coming :lol:
What did the slug say to the snail......."big issue" :lol:
5 rules for men........
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very very important that these four women do not know each other!
This was allegedly actually on sale at one point:-
http://by124w.bay124.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=c55d90cd-f033-44c0-a4c1-3b63de2db4e3
:D
scorpion
06-03-07, 09:28 PM
You know that 15 stone 9 year old that's been in the news recently?
Well, at a recent interview he was asked what his favourite musical instrument was.
He said "The dinner bell" :smt081 :smt081 :smt081
He said "The dinner bell"
Wasn't funny when Swiss topically posted it last week.
Matt Can't see the picture :?
Bluewolf
07-03-07, 08:28 AM
.
Didn't see that one coming :lol:
Nor did Superman! ;)
Wasn't funny when Swiss topically posted it last week.
Matt Can't see the picture :?
Oh I think it was. :takeabow:
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to findthe button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
What's the matter?" They all asked,
"Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his
old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They
have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH`1T! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE F**K UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH!T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
They lived happily ever after.....
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him
and during her questions about his life ,she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot
Hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground."Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed " What did you do
that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " check for squirrel"
Marshall
08-03-07, 10:39 AM
Beckham's Horse Accident
Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounted the
Horse and appeared in complete command of the situation as the horse
galloped along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watched her husband.
After a short time David became a little casual and he began to
Lose his grip in the saddle, he panicked and grabbed the horse around the
neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria started to scream and shout for someone to help her
husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and was
only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip
on the horses neck.
David decided that his best chance was to leap away from the horse,
But his foot had become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse galloped along David's head was banging on the ground
and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria was frantic and screamed and screamed for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard came out of the
Store and unplugged the horse.
Bluewolf
09-03-07, 09:53 AM
.
Bluewolf
09-03-07, 09:58 AM
.
Woman is in the shower when her husband says "don't turn it off I'll jump in straight after you". She steps out of the shower and as her husband gets in the door bell rings.
The woman puts a towel around her and answers the door. It's Bill from next door.
Bill looks her up and down then says "I'll give you £800 if you drop the towel".
The woman thinks for minute then drops the towel. Bils gives her the £800 then leaves.
Her husband gets out of the shower as asks who the caller was. "It was bill from next door" she answers.
"Oh good" says her husband" did he bring that £800 that he owes me?"
New twist on old joke..
Newfoundland has a new twist when you get gas - free sex with fill-up
A gas station in Newfoundland was trying to increase its sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying "Free sex with fill-up ."
Soon, a local Newfoundlander pulled in, filled his tank,
then asked for his free sex .
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, & if he guessed
correctly
he would get his free sex .
The buyer picked the number 8.
The proprietor told him he was close , the number was 7, better luck
next
time.
No free sex this time.
A week later, the same Newfie , along with a friend , pulled in for
a fill-up again & he asked again for his free sex.
The proprietor told him to pick a number .
This time the Newfie picked the number 2 and this time he was wrong
again.
The number was 3.
As he & his friend were driving away, the Newfie said to his buddy,
"I think this game is rigged, & he doesn't give away free sex."
His friend replied , "No , it ain't Jarge , it's not rigged.
My wife won twice last week."
:safe: :D
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous teacher:
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is one that I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few session with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to schoo and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luck, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom & Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He at for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going 'oh Oh OH OH!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'oh Oh OH OH!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
"My Dad then called the Middle Wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in a bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, POP! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like, psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
"Then the Middle Wife starts saying 'push, push' and then 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but they never got past ten. Then, all of a suddne, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never
satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer
complaints received by the firm in recent years:
1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
2 The beach was too sandy.
3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he
was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.
4 It rained on my birthday.
5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.
6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store
does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
7 It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be
banned.
8 We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a
street trader, only to find out they were fake.
9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the
same as at home.
10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort.
It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees, a Ham Bush"
Bluewolf
13-03-07, 03:58 PM
.
A woman called a local hospital --...
..."Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me anything in
here"............
:( :| *groan*:|
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The Lawyer asked, “What is the 3 kick rule.”
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Cornwall."
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted CRAZY then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was CRAZY and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What in the name of f***!ing good Lord are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said " You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
(you're gonna love this...)
>
>
>
>
>
>
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." :rolleyes:
COWS
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
The Royal wedding:
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter
around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were
finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge."Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let me guess..................... Smallcox?"
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and
a Ham and Cheese Toastie."
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese
toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves. The
following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham
and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra
drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman." The crowd is hushed as the barman
gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the
rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid
on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one
week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the
tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old
mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties."
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the
barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and
Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will
like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with
a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best
friends, I know you'll love it."
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and
guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO
RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only
served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When heis cleaning
down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The
barman says, "Who are you?"
To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent
your public house."
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every
night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see
you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, "Yes I know."
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and
Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead."
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night. What happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Damn" said the barman, "what from?". ..........
>
>
>
>
>
>
After a short pause. The rabbit said... "Mixing Me Toasties."
Hovis...most of them city type folk wont get that...:smt082 :smt082 :smt082 :smt082 :twisted:
Ah, a jim davidson classic that one Mr H :)
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whi skey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
A couple attending the National Art Gallery came across a painting depicting three naked black men sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises and the one in the middle had a pink one. The curator of the art gallery seeing the puzzlement on their faces went over to them and he went on and on explaining to them that this painting represented African American black men in a predominately white patriarchal society and in fact he went on to say ‘that some critics seems to think that the white penis represents the social and cultural suppression of black gay men’.
After the curator had left a Welshman walked over to them and asked if they really want to know what the painting is all about. The couple said ‘and how do you claim to know what is all about?’ ‘Because I am the guy who painted it” he replied ‘in fact’ he said ‘there is no African American representation or anything to do with gays. It is three Welsh coal miners sitting on a park bench and the one in the middle went home for lunch’.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before
she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the
£800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed
his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving
at the convent, the nun went on her
way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be
in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts
on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t
is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t,
it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/badgrin.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/badgrin.gif http://www.kittylitter.co.za/phpBB2/images/smiles/badgrin.gif
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DID YOU KNOW...
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Hi Doctor,
Before I ask you about my problem I just wanted to say I was treated for an ailment some time ago by your famous brother in Harley Street, Doctor James Hookinell.
OK on to my problem, I feel I may be starting to get overweight, it is not anything sudden, but lots of little things that have made me concerned about this. People in the chat room I go to drop subtle hints like referring to me as "You Fat Fooker", I'm sure it is all in jest, but has made me start to worry.
I have already tried to do something about this problem, I am on 6 diets, as could not get enough food on one, and have cut my pie intake to a maximum of 4 per day. I have also given up eating lettuce having seen how fat rabbits can get.
Trips to Mcdonalds have also been stopped as I have found that Burger King sell bigger burgers.
In order to increase my daily exercise I have removed the batteries from the TV remote so now I at least have to poke the wife to get up and turn the station over and this takes far more effort than pressing a button.
So tell me good doctor, don't pull any punches, I really gotta know, is this something that may worsen in years to come, am I really anorexic ??
Dear *********
There is a medical name for your condition which match your prognosis exactly, it is Mostlardicus Fatarsicum, or in layman's terms, 'You is one Monster Porker'
The best advice I can give now is to abandon your diet and progress your subconscious dream of becoming a circus freak. Also you should forget about both McD's and BK and concentrate on Kebab tray scrapings concentrate and deep fried battered lard butties ie The Elvis Diet.
One other piece of advice, regularly check your folds and crevices for things such as television remote controls, pets,young children, and small cars. Objects like these are generally attracted to you by the additional gravitational field created by your gynormous mass and sticky lard based residue that you ooze.
I hope this advice will give you some comfort Fat Boy.
SoulKiss
22-03-07, 08:58 PM
Hi Doctor,
Before I ask you about my problem I just wanted to say I was treated for an ailment some time ago by your famous brother in Harley Street, Doctor James Hookinell......................................... *CUT*
I thought this was the joke thread????
Funnies only was my understanding :)
Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show
You won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, now just rest and let the poison work
wyrdness
23-03-07, 12:24 PM
Metal genres
HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fks the princess.
POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fks her.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.
VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fks the princess, kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he s0d0mizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fks the princess and kills her.Then he fks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fks it for the last time.
GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me; a faithful wife and the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied :
"Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began -
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued -
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?""
Nicked off another forum.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
------------------- ------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as h e stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; And patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
_________________
I hear the Pakistani cricket team have all resigned......
They've taken up Bob slaying!! :smt040
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