View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
thinone
22-06-10, 12:32 AM
Monday, Argentina meet Brazil in Capetown..
Tuesday, Spain meet Italy in Jo-Burg....
Wednesday, England meet France at the airport....
I had to read it twice then I smiled - but a GREATER smile came from this one
The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.
Thinone, you got beat :)
The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.
thinone
22-06-10, 08:30 AM
I hear OXO are releasing a limited edition stock cube. It's going to be white with a red cross on it and called the 'laughing stock'.
thinone
22-06-10, 08:32 AM
Thinone, you got beat :)ah dinnae hinksae
I'm from Edinburgh
Treacle
23-06-10, 12:38 PM
Breaking news: Car stops quick.
xXBADGERXx
23-06-10, 04:43 PM
Breaking news: Car stops quick.
Not if it`s a Toyota it doesn`t .
Filipe M.
23-06-10, 10:39 PM
Not if it`s a Toyota it doesn`t .
If it's a Toyota you just get the Breaking News bit.
Breaking news: Toyota's broke
At a recent England training session, Rooney collects the ball and dribbles past Ashley Cole, Shaun Wright Philips, Heskey, Rio and Micah Richards.
Fabio Cappello shakes his head and shouts out....
"Cones Wayne, i said go round the fookin cones"
Cuffy, you dodne that one a while back dude! Come on, get with it ;)
Cuffy, you dodne that one a while back dude! Come on, get with it ;)
That was via PM ;)
Thought it too risque for public viewing. :D
Treacle
24-06-10, 11:19 AM
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
Treacle
24-06-10, 11:20 AM
Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my tall skinny latte.
Want to know the reason why Scandinavian women are so attractive?
A few centuries ago they threw all their ugly women into the sea.
The strong ones made it to Scotland.............
punyXpress
24-06-10, 02:39 PM
This may, or may not produce a picture:
http://thumbp2.mail.vip.ukl.yahoo.com/tn?sid=3704678822&mid=AAywktkAAKhgTCNXLQQNPVhfnE0&midoffset=1_258069&partid=2&f=263&fid=Inbox
This may, or may not produce a picture:
http://thumbp2.mail.vip.ukl.yahoo.com/tn?sid=3704678822&mid=AAywktkAAKhgTCNXLQQNPVhfnE0&midoffset=1_258069&partid=2&f=263&fid=Inbox
Says it's 'Forbidden.'
What are you forcing on us now Puny?
Want to know the reason why Scandinavian women are so attractive?
A few centuries ago they threw all their ugly women into the sea.
The strong ones made it to Scotland.............
the week and very ugly ones made it to England.....
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight! Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
gruntygiggles
24-06-10, 10:22 PM
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight! Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
That's awesome :-)
What is the difference between Emile Heskey and Jordan's son Harvey Price?
No seriously. What is the difference? :smt017
gettin2dizzy
25-06-10, 02:42 PM
What is the difference between Emile Heskey and Jordan's son Harvey Price?
No seriously. What is the difference? :smt017
:lol:
It is a little-known fact that Apple can trace its roots back to ancient Rome. Evidence is provided by the company's first product....... the iClaudius.
One for the older orgers ;-)
punyXpress
26-06-10, 08:15 PM
Second attempt at earlier post!
xXBADGERXx
26-06-10, 08:24 PM
<---- Sidles further away from Puny
punyXpress
26-06-10, 08:30 PM
Wise move, el Presidente!
btw: Still waiting for my S.P.A.S , SNOW PLOUGH APPRECIATION SOCIETY membership card
punyXpress
27-06-10, 09:01 AM
Stella Awards:
This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
. . . and you thought cage drivers were bad!
David Blaine is gutted because his record for doing fack all in a box for 42 days has been broken...... by Wayne Rooney
In the jungle, the South African jungle, 3 lions sleep tonight ....
....coz in the morning, the early morning,
they have to catch a flight.
No win away no win away no win away no win away
The met office have issued a severe weather warning as there is a shower of **** coming over from South Africa.
The weather forecast...
Northern England to expect severe flooding over the next 48 hours....
as Scotland pi$$es itself laughing
A man has been found in the river Thames this morning wearing an England shirt, fishnet stockings, suspenders, crotchless panties and thigh high latex boots, in conjunction with this he was also found with a cucumber up his ar$e whilst cuddling a blow up sheep.
Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embarrassment.
why did the chicken cross the road?........
.............acording to FIFA he didn't
Cymraeg_Atodeg
28-06-10, 05:32 PM
I got 21 jokes to post on here, but, I can't yet as they haven't got back from South Africa yet
I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock
Police are asking for winesses after reports that an elderly black man had several shots fired at him from close range which left him badly shaken. Police are describing it as a race related incedent. Several Germans were thought to be responsible.
The victim, Mr D James from Portsmouth was taken to hospital with severe shock.
It is also alleged that at the time of the shootings ten by standers in red shirts looked on and did nothing to help Mr James.
davepreston
29-06-10, 11:33 AM
i enjoy spoiling my mrs
i bring here flowers every day
its hand living next to a accident black spot
got lucky today
message said i never got to say i love you
came with a free teddybear too
davepreston
29-06-10, 11:56 AM
not suitable for work or with kids about
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roVw9CJWhc0
xXBADGERXx
29-06-10, 11:57 AM
I still have that on VHS lol
squirrel_hunter
29-06-10, 01:35 PM
Dave, that reminds me of my favorite monologue of his. There is just something about the way he delivers it that really fits...
9UbqZ_oN5do
_Stretchie_
29-06-10, 04:40 PM
One for the sweaty socks
Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.
The first one said he was going to **** him off.
He walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."
"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.
"I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."
The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the
shoulder.
"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"
"Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He is unshakeable!"
The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really **** him off. You
just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"
"Aye! So yer mates were sayin’...."
Bluepete
29-06-10, 04:57 PM
England are planning a friendly agains Iceland.
Then one against Lidl and finally, Netto..
Pete ;)
Traders
30-06-10, 10:34 AM
Saw a geordie fall in the river this morning, so being responsible i informed the emergency services. they still havnt responded! what a waste of a 2nd class stamp.
Traders
30-06-10, 10:39 AM
A football match between India and Pakistan had to be abandoned after the ref showed the red card to a pakistani player.
55,000 people invaded the pitch thinking it was a British Passport !!!
punyXpress
30-06-10, 08:47 PM
This one rings a bell - hope it isn't Adolf's.
xXBADGERXx
30-06-10, 08:49 PM
I have that pinned on my wall in work lol
Noble Ox
30-06-10, 09:49 PM
In the jungle,
South African jungle,
Three lions sleep tonight.
Cos in the morning,
The early morning,
They have to catch a flight.
A win no way,
A win no way,
A win no way,
A win no way...
In the jungle,
South African jungle,
Three lions sleep tonight.
Cos in the morning,
The early morning,
They have to catch a flight.
A win no way,
A win no way,
A win no way,
A win no way...
too slow (http://forums.sv650.org/showpost.php?p=2306711&postcount=2928)
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Vr8Xl0cbUZA/SRG05OdI6dI/AAAAAAAAD9Q/Ux1FVcXrpL0/s400/Image+%3D+Holy+Repost+Batman.jpg
Noble Ox
01-07-10, 08:03 AM
Argh, balls.
I read every one of these jokes almost religiously. How I missed it I will never know!
Doh.
metalangel
02-07-10, 04:26 PM
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit and am now only five minutes away from owning the England squad :(
punyXpress
02-07-10, 08:29 PM
Shame that - a month ago they were worth over £40 million. :(
You've got to admire Emile Heskey, does absolutely bugger all during the world cup, comes home, puts on a white dress and wins Wimbledon.
Noble Ox
05-07-10, 07:18 PM
Hehehe! ^ My new FB status!
Fabio Cappello has now joined in the manhunt for Raoul Moat, he was ecstatic when he heard a Geordie had had 3 shots on target.
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"AND..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"
Cuffy, topical as ever :-)
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"AND..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"
Thats the 5th time that joke has been posted... i know, i just did a search!! :lol:
Thats the 5th time that joke has been posted... i know, i just did a search!! :lol:
d'oh
Mr Speirs
06-07-10, 09:45 PM
Thats the 5th time that joke has been posted... i know, i just did a search!! :lol:
Its a serious business this joke thread you know. :)
punyXpress
06-07-10, 10:21 PM
Lighten up, Mr Speirs!
Sorry, you did that last year didn't you ;)
Cuffy, topical as ever :-)
I do try to keep up with all the latest current affairs :D
Dear Mr Moat.
It has come to my attention that Mr John Terry has also been sh4gging your other half whilst you were serving time at her Majesty's leisure.
Yours sincerely,
Wayne Bridge.
Its a serious business this joke thread you know. :):lol: Very
Jamesy D
07-07-10, 10:35 PM
Its a serious business this joke thread you know. :)
http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/270911970_db35fdd4ca.jpg
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/y_so_srs.jpg
http://trollcats.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/I-see-what-you-did-there_trollcat.jpg
Jamesy D
08-07-10, 03:06 PM
http://reprog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/orly_owl.jpg
http://raktamrittika.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/excellent-frog.jpg
Took a deaf lass home the other night, not the worlds best looker, but i sealed the deal anyway.
However, I did have a slight guilt complex after i super glued mittens on her hands so she wouldn't tell anyone.
Drugs are for mugs!
Except rohypnol..............that's for wine glasses.
_Stretchie_
09-07-10, 09:54 AM
What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute in a bath?
The nun has a soul full of hope...
-----------------------
A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”
“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”
-----------------------
Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
-----------------------
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-----------------------
Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist, insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog
-----------------------
And me old favorite....
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Serious note now.
With the way things are escalating in Rothbury i will not be posting any jokes about this situation.
It's not even rauolmoatly funny
:takeabow:
xXBADGERXx
09-07-10, 10:12 AM
I shot my TV last night , bloody RaulMoat control !!!
Broke my record on Saturday night for continual sex.
1 hour and 2 minutes, then I realized the clocks had gone forward.
They reckon that if the 10k reward doenst bring him out this week, then it will increase to 20k, making it the 1st manhunt with a Raoulover!
gruntygiggles
09-07-10, 11:26 AM
They reckon that if the 10k reward doenst bring him out this week, then it will increase to 20k, making it the 1st manhunt with a Raoulover!
:smt040
CheGuevara
09-07-10, 11:47 AM
I'm Raouling On The Floor Laughing My A$$ Off :D
...Coat please!
http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm308/mad-fish-willy/o_rly.jpg
Biker Biggles
09-07-10, 12:00 PM
I'm Raouling On The Floor Laughing My A$$ Off :D
...Coat please!
It wont last long so make the Moat of it.:rolleyes:
Hi Raoul.
If you really don't want to be found then try Portugal.
Love Maddie xx
Women! They just don't have the same sense of humour as us men.
My missus didn't find it as funny as i did when i switched her tampon for a party popper.
Just got thrown out of my local Mosque.
There i was stood their minding my own business during prayer...and...well....couldn't help myself, i fookin love leap frog.
Latest update, I've just seen Raoul Moats black lexus on Ebay. "Bargain" he only wants a few coppers for it.
Bluepete
09-07-10, 07:05 PM
A new low Cuffy.
I laughed a little bit.... Sorry
England announce new shirt sponsors:
http://www.twitpic.com/23gh47
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
SoulKiss
13-07-10, 08:42 AM
Some Cartoons for you all, so please enjoy, Calvin and Jobs :)
http://onceuponageek.com/images/calvin_jobs1.jpg
http://onceuponageek.com/images/calvin_jobs2.jpg
metalangel
13-07-10, 11:26 AM
10/10!
http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/7221/moativational.jpg
http://knowyourmeme.com/i/000/058/505/original/1278773777563.jpg?1278774817
Italy 1990, Wembley 1996, Rothbury 2010..anytime Gazza's involved in a shootout it ends in tears
Bluepete
14-07-10, 09:01 AM
Headline fail!
http://www.getreading.co.uk/sport/football/goalpost/s/2065435_gp_gold_butler_handjob_gives_wheatley_semi
Pete ;)
wyrdness
14-07-10, 09:03 AM
Headline fail!
http://www.getreading.co.uk/sport/football/goalpost/s/2065435_gp_gold_butler_handjob_gives_wheatley_semi
Pete ;)
Why 'fail'? It's obviously deliberate. More like 'Headline win!'.
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, What can
I do for you? The man says, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish,
the doctor says, There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple
return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit
puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out? The old man
says, We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go
to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn
charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and I get £43
back from BUPA!
:D
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 ducks. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first duck. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the duck actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next duck. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd duck answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last duck. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last duck. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!"
:D
CheGuevara
15-07-10, 07:24 AM
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
CheGuevara
15-07-10, 07:49 AM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day
strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be
cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut
was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs,
(B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its
members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the
teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities
of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace".
"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension
benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't
be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland,
Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would
not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas
anyway".
A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide
bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the
emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims
know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to
paradise.
Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.
Fook off says Mick,
Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?
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