The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here [Archive] - SV650.org

fizzwheel

08-11-06, 11:50 PM

just think i could have started 23 threads

If you don't laugh at one of these there's something wrong.

t

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?

Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

tommy cooper clasics

the white rabbit

09-11-06, 07:35 AM

St. Lukes Hospital for Paranoid Schizophrenics' Christmas panto ended in chaos last night when someone in the audience shouted "He's behind you!"

Oldie but goodie :lol:

fizzwheel

09-11-06, 10:00 AM

probaby an old one, but it made me smile this morning:

Dear Deirdre,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner.
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, that I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle, that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Dave

Beenz

09-11-06, 11:14 AM

Some daft answer to questions. Lots of them, enjoy
:takeabow:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

hovis

09-11-06, 01:12 PM

:laughat: :shock: :thumbsup:

fizzwheel

09-11-06, 01:16 PM

Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back:

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back:

10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.

Top 10 Reasons Sportbikers Don't Wave:

10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
4. Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on.

Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back:

10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM, or talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!.
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.

Razor

09-11-06, 02:19 PM

For all things Klaus related...

Forklift Driver Klaus - The First Day on the Job

It's been posted before but I did a little poking around and found some links, so I'd know the truth more than the urban legends that have sprung up about this seminal Splatter-Comedy-Work Safety film.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9065294514717353885

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forklift_Driver_Klaus_-_The_First_Day_On_the_Job

http://www.staplerfahrerklaus.de/

http://www.worldcinemaonline.com/films/115/0/Forklift-Driver-Klaus.html

Razor

09-11-06, 02:29 PM

Cold callers?

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

Beenz

09-11-06, 02:31 PM

Words women use (allegedly :oops: )

FINE -- This is the word women use at the end of any argument in which women feel they are right but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES -- This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING -- If you ask her what is wrong and she says "nothing", this means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) -- This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) -- This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine" and she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH -- This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing".

SOFT SIGH -- Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO -- This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "that's okay."

THANKS -- A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT -- This is much different from "thanks." A woman will say, "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "loud sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing."

YoungMan

09-11-06, 02:59 PM

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count

that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum

Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done

Razor

09-11-06, 03:14 PM

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their **** to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

fizzwheel

09-11-06, 06:46 PM

An English guy is having breakfast in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. ?The English guy ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English eat the whole bread?"

English guy (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the UK." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The English guy listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

English guy: "Of course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the UK."

After a moment of silence, The English guy then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

English guy: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

English guy: "We don't - in the UK we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
:lol:

UlsterSV

09-11-06, 08:30 PM

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people

Those had me laughing out loud :lol:

keithd

09-11-06, 08:33 PM

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people

Those had me laughing out loud :lol:

dunno about you but i read them all in the voice of billy himself! :D

Moo

09-11-06, 09:48 PM

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes

about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his

wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be

distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said

in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm

really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she

will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk

out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever

consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if

we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a prenuptial agreement was signed prior to the

marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if

an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to

stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may

have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to

get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the

cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get

home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present

that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic

leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate

"I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she

has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill

her shoe.

hovis

09-11-06, 10:07 PM

A man's lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and heavily sedated following a lengthy operation. A pretty young nurse arrives at his bedside to wash his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mutters behind the mask,"Are my testicles black?"
The nurse turns red faced and embarrassed replies,"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and face." Again the man struggles to speak"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Reluctantly the nurse pulls back the covers and lifts his gown, for a thorough inspection.
"Everything looks fine to me, I can't see anything wrong"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and speaks very slowly, panting,"That was very nice nurse, but listen very, very closely - are...my...test...reults...back?"

hovis

09-11-06, 10:22 PM

a dog walks into a builders merchants,and asks the fella behind the counter for a job,
f*ck me sez the fella ,a talking dog,well i never.
never mind that sez the dog,ave you got a job for me.
fella behind the counter tells the dog to try the circus ,just down the road.
the dog starts to **** its self laughin and howling.
afer a few minutes the dog stops laughin and sez to the fella.
what the f*cks a circus goin t do with a brick layer.

Beenz

10-11-06, 09:33 AM

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what ****ing star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "This is for the custard, you ****."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first. "He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought; that's Abbariginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted
even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

fizzwheel

10-11-06, 09:36 AM

Beenz, where did you get those from.. I saw a comedian in a comedy club a while back who's whole routine was one liners like that, its was absoloutly hilarious. :lol:

linco

10-11-06, 09:53 AM

Beenz, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fantastic! I'm still crying with laughter

Alpinestarhero

10-11-06, 11:25 AM

All good stuff :lol: even hovi5 :D :lol:

Matt

Samnooshka

10-11-06, 11:35 AM

A little girl is in her back yard diggin a hole. The little girl is balling her eyes out and
the neighbor lady comes over to see what is wrong. "What is wrong dear child,"
"my Canary died," she responds.
"I'm sorry. but why such a big hole?"
"Your damn cat ate him."

Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and
yelled "God almighty" and the techer told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher her asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
Then the teacher faints.

hovis

10-11-06, 12:04 PM

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

DanDare

10-11-06, 01:22 PM

Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired
at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at
8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says
to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood
the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

hovis

10-11-06, 01:31 PM

:lol: http://upload4.postimage.org/1613840/1161803109_137_FT0_scouser3.jpg (http://upload4.postimage.org/1613840/photo_hosting.html)

Moo

10-11-06, 06:32 PM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through,
so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their
lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid
the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to
do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my w ife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son,
I feel You have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night ."

Stingo

10-11-06, 09:36 PM

joke about bubble gum and the french :lol:

:lol: :lol: pass me another ribcage - this one's split!!

Steve W

11-11-06, 08:43 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little b@st@rds!"

hovis

11-11-06, 03:41 PM

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little ****ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

:roll: :lol:

fizzwheel

13-11-06, 02:14 PM

I got this sent to me per email today & haven't heard it before.

If you know it already then tough luck.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad to hear his son praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was terrified. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

:lol:

hovis

13-11-06, 05:40 PM

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their
> parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>> The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
> stories.
>> Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
> hens.
> One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front
> seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs
got
> broken.
> "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
> "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the
teacher.
>> Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers
> too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen
> eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral
> to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."
>> "That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you
have
a
> story to share?" asked the teacher.
> "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty
Sharon
> was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit.
>> She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle
> of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on
the
way
> down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of
> 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until
> she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the
machete
> until
> the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands."
>> "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did
> your
> daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>> "Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

SpankyHam

14-11-06, 08:35 AM

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Hornchurch.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

16p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£6 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it anyway.

skint

14-11-06, 08:37 AM

Hi
> With fall upon us, and the days getting shorter,
> I thought you all would appreciate this superb, evocative,
> masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season.
>
> So, grab a coffee (with some Baileys, of course), a comfortable
chair,
> relax and scroll down to enjoy the warm feelings
> and pleasure that this wonderful poem will bring...
>
>

> " ODE TO WINTER "
>
> A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
>
>

>
> "**** It's Cold!" :roll: :wink:
>
> The End

Beenz

14-11-06, 11:05 AM

Like my new Advent Calendar?
http://upload4.postimage.org/1648962/AdventCalendar.jpg (http://upload4.postimage.org/1648962/photo_hosting.html)

:shock: 8)

Ping

14-11-06, 11:21 AM

Awsome. :D

... Do they do crates for litre bottles?....

:lol:

keithd

14-11-06, 11:51 AM

husband: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

wife: OK your wedding tackle is bigger than your brothers.

peanut

14-11-06, 01:28 PM

Teacher: Johnny, can you give me a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?

Johnny: Yes Miss. Our next door neigbour is painting the outside of his house with a toothbrush, and our Dad says it'll take the contagious.

keithd

14-11-06, 01:45 PM

husband: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

wife: OK your wedding tackle is bigger than your brothers.

diluted! booooooooooo

Baph

14-11-06, 02:31 PM

husband: tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time

wife: OK your wedding tackle is bigger than your brothers.

diluted! booooooooooo
I saw it in full glory, and just kept quiet. (quietly giggling to myself that was)

EDIT: & You know what, it never dawned on me what the original wording was.... but I won't open that can of worms again as there's a thread already dedicated to it.

Moo

14-11-06, 03:02 PM

Like my new Advent Calendar?
http://upload4.postimage.org/1648962/AdventCalendar.jpg (http://upload4.postimage.org/1648962/photo_hosting.html)

:shock: 8)
Like it :lol:

hovis

14-11-06, 03:04 PM

nice one SPANKY-HAM :wink:

skint

15-11-06, 08:53 AM

The M25 and M1 were in the pub and the M25 was boasting 8) , "I am the hardest road in the country....." :wink:

The A1 walks in and the M25 walks over to it, and just one look makes the A1 run to the toilet in fear. :(

The B1507 comes in next and the M25 doesn't even have to move to make it hide in the corner. :cry:

Then a dusty red track walks in to the pub and the M25 shakes with fear and hides under the pool table.

"What's up?" says the M1, "I thought you were the hardest road in the country." :wink:

"I know," says the M25, "but he's a cycle-path!"
:twisted:

fizzwheel

15-11-06, 02:01 PM

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the

Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch it.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go
to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease.

And he's the b*s*ard who ran over my FROG!

Beenz

15-11-06, 02:45 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Clever kid.

hovis

15-11-06, 05:05 PM

cheeky monkey

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage84_1.html

:lol:

skint

16-11-06, 08:41 AM

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?

Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Spiderman

16-11-06, 10:30 AM

cheeky monkey

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/footage84_1.html

:lol:

Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:

Caddy2000

16-11-06, 02:39 PM

Dear Agony Aunt,

I've never written to you before, but I need some advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been seeing someone else. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi, but she always walks down the drive. I can usually hear a car driving off, as if she has just got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked up her mobile just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to spy on her. I decided I was going to park my 2006 R1 next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind bike, that I noticed that the rocker covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a bit. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

etc.

fizzwheel

16-11-06, 03:30 PM

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

:lol: :lol:
You've got to admit it's better than CUFFY'S :D

hovis

16-11-06, 03:33 PM

you should do a double act :lol:

hovis

16-11-06, 11:15 PM

a very loud overweight un attractive and hard faced woman walks into sainsburys with her two children in tow screaming obscenities at them.
The door greeter says "good morning madam and welcome to sainsburys-nice children youve got there,are they twins"
the fat ugly woman stops screaming at them long enough to snarl"of course they bloody arent,the oldest hes 9 and the younger one shes 7.why the hell would you think they're twins?...do you really think they look alike d**khead"
"absolutely not" says the greeter "i just can't believe anyone would **** you twice"

fizzwheel

17-11-06, 11:51 AM

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires

:lol:

krazykim

17-11-06, 11:53 AM

Thanks Fizz.

Stingo

17-11-06, 09:42 PM

WHAT A WOMAN SAYS.....

"This place is a mess! C’mon,you and I need to clean up, your stuff is laying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do the laundry right now"

WHAT MEN HEAR.......

"Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah, C’mon
Blah,Blah,Blah, You and I
Blah,Blah,On the floor
Blah,Blah,Blah,No clothes
Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Right now!!!!" :lol:

Moo

18-11-06, 08:56 AM

Razor

19-11-06, 02:26 PM

Drunk again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soWbvSY7NmQ

Richie

19-11-06, 06:42 PM

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/5610/traileryj7.jpg (http://img230.imageshack.us/my.php?image=traileryj7.jpg)

TEL

20-11-06, 02:24 PM

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Warren

20-11-06, 06:17 PM

he he/

hovis

22-11-06, 01:13 PM

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d**k goes underneath the horse, not on top."

tinpants

23-11-06, 10:18 AM

SoulKiss

23-11-06, 10:40 AM

Just spat tea all over the monitor screen :lol: :lol: Now thats funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Shhhhh dont feed the trolls :P

Richie

23-11-06, 08:32 PM

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.
- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10

Stingo

23-11-06, 08:37 PM

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that
we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top 'O the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the
war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness,
and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners..." :lol:

mattSV

23-11-06, 08:44 PM

RC car delivers justice (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ucymVssjb8)

This made me chuckle :lol:

Razor

23-11-06, 10:31 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smJl5qwaso

Dunno why this was banned.

hovis

23-11-06, 10:33 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smJl5qwaso

Dunno why this was banned.

cos its crap?

Stu

23-11-06, 11:48 PM

Yes it would be crap if you didn't get it :lol:

fizzwheel

24-11-06, 02:19 PM

The SAS, The Paras and The Police

The SAS, the Paras and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced double-tap. They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, still holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises with one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the [wee]!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f#ckin' rabbit!"

SoulKiss

24-11-06, 02:33 PM

joke about bubble gum and the french :lol:

:lol: :lol: pass me another ribcage - this one's split!!

Shouldn't there be an "Elf" and a "Sergent" in there Stingy ???

Ping

24-11-06, 04:26 PM

Don't mess with Putin

http://www.private-eye.co.uk/pictures/captions/bush_putin.jpg

keithd

24-11-06, 04:36 PM

was kinda hoping that may have been a kick start to a thread about the recent "poisoning double agent" shinanegans.....

but i bow to your modding :D

Razor

24-11-06, 05:22 PM

http://jimbuie.blogs.com/journal/files/PsychiatricAnsweringMachine.mp3

the white rabbit

24-11-06, 05:39 PM

was kinda hoping that may have been a kick start to a thread about the recent "poisoning double agent" shinanegans.....

I nominate Admin2 as forum member most likely to have been poisoned by the Russians 8-[

Beenz

24-11-06, 11:42 PM

http://jimbuie.blogs.com/journal/files/PsychiatricAnsweringMachine.mp3

Not the first time I've heared this but still got me laughing after a few beers.

21QUEST

27-11-06, 09:21 AM

..... and again :wink:

Passing the time on a long flight

A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air
Jamaica when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman,
turned it down, and said to the stranger,

"Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"

"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus".

"Go ahead, said the stranger".

"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun
out flat patties, 'an donkey produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't
even know sh*t?

Cheers
Ben

fizzwheel

27-11-06, 03:19 PM

GOVERNMENT JOB

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I
was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you
extra points toward employment."

He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a
mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer
tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M.
to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we stand around scratching our b*lls. no point in you coming in for that.

PsychoCannon

27-11-06, 03:32 PM

My 2 best jokes are pretty long so bare with them :)

Chinese Torture:

A guy is out camping in the woods to get back in touch with nature.
On day he is trecking around in the woods when he gets caught out in a sudden and violent storm.

Desperate for shelter he thanks his lucky stars when a flash of lightning lights up a house nestled amoungst the trees in the middle of no-where.

He runs up and knocks on the front door, after what seems like an eternity, a small, frail chinese man answers the door.

Ushering the poor man in and taking his wet coat off him he is invited to sit in front of a warm fire and stay until the morning.

"There is just one condition" says the little old man.
"I live out here in the middle of no-where to keep my beautiful young daughter safe from men, if you so much as lay a finger on her, I will inflict upon you the 3 worst chinese tortures known to man!"

Well...he thinks, how hard can that be? I'm cold, wet, miserable and need the shelter, how hard can it be to behave for a night?, so he agrees.

Once he is dry the chinese man invites Tom to dinner and as he heads towards the smell of food the most amazing girl he has ever seen in his life comes floating down the stairs, he is dumb struck.

As soon as she lays eyes on the man she lights up and practically smoulders having not seen a man in the flesh as long as she can remember.

All through dinner she is eyeing him up and giving him signs and playing with his legs under the table making it hard for him to concentrate but the old man doesn't seem to notice.

as they retire that night the girl whispers to the man
"My room is at the end of the hall opposite to the end where you and my dad sleep, come see me!"

All night he can't sleep just thinking about it and decides that the man is old and frail, he won't hear a thing and besides, what's the worst he could do!

he sneaks down the hall and the girl opens her door at the first knock dressed in the most stunning lingere he's ever seen.

They spend the entire night together in the most amazing night of the mans life and he crawls exhausted back to his room just as dawn breaks where he collapses onto his bed certain that he has not made a noise.

He wakes some hours later to feel a weight on his chest.
He opens his eyes and sees a large rock on his chest with a label stuck to it.
Confused he lifts up the rock and reads the note:

"Chinese Torture 1: Heavy Rock on Chest"

The guy has to clamp his mouth shut to stop himself laughing, if this is the best the old man can do it was easily worth it!

Walking over to the open window he hurls the stupid rock out and notices a 2nd note stuck to the window.

"Chinese Torture 2: Left Testicle tied to rock"

Eyes wide he looks down and sure enough horror dawns as he sees a rapidly dissapearing spool of wire leaving the window after the rock.

Deciding a few broken bones would be better than castration he leaps out the window after the rock.
As he decends he sees a large message painted across the lawn below.

"Chinese Torture 3: Right Testicle tied to bed post"

PsychoCannon

27-11-06, 05:37 PM

http://www.dailymotion.com/tag/joke/video/xo90i_italiantime

Warren

27-11-06, 06:08 PM

Spiderman

27-11-06, 06:23 PM

http://www.dailymotion.com/tag/joke/video/xo90i_italiantime

Wow :shock: first time ive seen a film version of a joke that ive heard a million times. How wierd. Even if the version i heard was of a Mexican but the rest was all the same.
Freaky!

Tara

28-11-06, 09:56 AM

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. ****y Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Jdubya

28-11-06, 12:13 PM

Some things to ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

tricky

28-11-06, 02:35 PM

Q: Whats the difference between BSE and PMT ?
A: One is mad cow disease the other is an agricultural problem.

I thank you, TAXI !

Richie

28-11-06, 10:38 PM

http://www.nuts.co.uk/howsmyparking/

hovis

28-11-06, 10:41 PM

http://www.nuts.co.uk/howsmyparking/

:winner:

Essex of Essex

29-11-06, 12:16 AM

Work safe and in better taste than my cat post.

http://www.b2.is/?sida=tengill&id=201138

tricky

29-11-06, 01:59 PM

http://www.nuts.co.uk/howsmyparking/

:smt043

Laughed so much I nearly barfed !

peanut

29-11-06, 03:27 PM

Just got this email from a former work colleague:

ATTENTION!

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Well, it made me chuckle anyway.

21QUEST

30-11-06, 01:25 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off,
and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then
clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires,

Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Cheers
Ben

21QUEST

30-11-06, 03:09 AM

:shock: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4409486138711912043

:lol:

Cheers
Ben

21QUEST

30-11-06, 03:15 AM

Bone head :lol:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3922799754228450837

Cheers
Ben

skint

30-11-06, 09:41 AM

Like most jokes you have to read em first before you see how bad they are. I have had inflicted on me here so I thought you lot deserved the same punishment. Some of them are repeats but have to be included otherwise the last one don't work (probably doesn't anyway) err, I think i'll log off again now... :oops:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's Not Unusual."

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

10. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

12. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam"!

13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

15. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

17. And finally, there was the person who sent 17 different puns to friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.