View Full Version : The Comedy Club - Post Your Jokes Here
what's pink and covered in cobwebs?
madeline mccanns bike.
I shouldn't but i am.
You naughty boy Mr D
Speedy Claire
27-05-08, 04:01 PM
http://uploads.bikechat.net/Speedy Claire/funny.jpg
YoungMan
27-05-08, 05:37 PM
Him "Look! I was in chemists today and bought some of these novelty flavoured condoms".
Her "Oh fantastic! Always wanted try them - but don't tell me what flavour. Let me guess!"
Her "Mmmm, glurk, gurgle, slurp, slurp (etc.). I know! It's Cheese and onion!!!"
Him "Errr hang on. I haven't got it on yet ..."
Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not ********** very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a ******.
missyburd
27-05-08, 07:44 PM
Speedy Claire those road signs are soo funny, especially after having revised for that theory :lol:
INFAMOUS ASDA MURDER
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was ?5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local ASDA wherehe surprised her in the fruit & vegetable department. There he proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, but as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the fruit & vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper...
...the headline declared............
(....and you're going to love this).......
'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA!'
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL CO SGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
SoulKiss
05-06-08, 03:27 PM
FAMOUS PAINTING STOLEN
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image001.jpg
After careful planning, he stole the paintings, got past security, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image002.jpg
I had no Monet
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image003.jpg
to buy Degas
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image004.jpg
to make the Van Gogh'
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image006.jpg
I posted this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse
http://www.chaoscrypt.com/joke/image005.jpg
And I had De Gaulle to.
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back
The woman replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that someone is sitting in First Class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The woman again replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman that won't listen to reason
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the woman, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea."
She immediately gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
Defender
07-06-08, 08:07 AM
http://drewk.org/misc/beachBalls.jpg
gettin2dizzy
08-06-08, 01:29 PM
What do you call a group of Curvy riders?
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
A Thicket! :lol:
markmoto
09-06-08, 09:05 PM
2 Dwarfs pull 2 girls and take them back to there place,
1st Dwarf cant get it up and worse still hears the 2nd Dwarf saying all night, "hear i come again 1,2,3 Ugh"
Next morning the 1st Dwarf says " How embarrassing i coulnt get an erection last night" 2nd Dwarf says "thats nothing i couldnt get on the ****ing bed.....
markmoto
09-06-08, 09:11 PM
3 Parrots for sale
?100, ?200 and ?15, the woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies " because it use to live in a brothel" The woman thinks this is funny and buys the parrot.
When she gets home the parrot says F#%k me a new brothel the woman laughs.
Her 2 daughters come home, parrot says "F#%k me to new prossies" the girls laugh.
The husband comes home and the parrot says " F#%k me Keith i havent seen you for weeks!"..........
THIS IS AN ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- >CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst
out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint
Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a
sign that said, "Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I
had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident"... I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!":D
Orpheus
11-06-08, 10:40 PM
Paddy and Sean are invited to a fancy dress party, and they are told to come as 'emotions' for instance red for anger or green for envy. When they arrive at the party they are both stark b0llock naked, Paddy with a pear on the end of his ****, and Sean with his knob in a bowl of Custard. The host of the party asks, "what the hell have you two done, i thought i said 'emotions'". The Irish fellows explain, "Ahhh yes we've been very clever you see". "Well how is that?" asks the host. "Well I'm deep in despair" replies Paddy, "And I'm f*cking disgusted" says Sean.
Jack in his half drunken state leans on the front of the fairground shooting gallery and mumbles that he will have 10 shots and pays his money. He wobbles a bit and takes aim. Ten Shots - Ten Bulls. The stall owner is amazed and says, "Well mate that's great shooting - you get a 1st prize". He gives Jack a tortoise! Later Jack comes back again and repeats his performance much to the amazement of the stall owner. He says, "Well mate you've done it again, what do you want this time?". Jack looks around at the prizes and says, "Tell you what, I'll have another one of them crusty pies"
There really is no pleasing some women.
I recently put up a bird table. My wife went feckin mad...
I don't know why... i gave her 6 out of 10 which is more than fair..
What's the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?
A cheaper Christmas
Filipe M.
13-06-08, 04:22 PM
What's the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?
A cheaper Christmas
:-k
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F::ck off, you won't bring it back."
:-k
you worked it out yet phillis?
I'm sure he's not confused by the 'joke' just whether it passes the taste filter. ;)
I am confused by the bird table one though :???:
replace the word bird with girlfriend/girl/women i've had the secks with and that may make it clearer.....
SoulKiss
16-06-08, 04:18 PM
replace the word bird with girlfriend/girl/women i've had the secks with and that may make it clearer.....
He means a table as in a chart, or league table.
HTH
Bluepete
17-06-08, 07:45 PM
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer
peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple
of sentences.
'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU
(Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the
type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer
of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off
method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel
in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.'
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to
reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna,
places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt
swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed
by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
gettin2dizzy
18-06-08, 06:44 AM
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
chemist.
....The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
:lol:
The scots would have a witty retort, but they don't want to wear their keyboards out by typing ;)
for sale super van great runner
http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j8/tez711/car.gif
markmoto
18-06-08, 01:49 PM
Man teases ex-wifes new husband:
"How's the second hand pussy?"
New husband:
"Great after the first two inches it's like brand new....!"
I needed to pay a visit, so I went into a public toilet - there were two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, i didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short while I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick poo... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some díckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say.'
gettin2dizzy
19-06-08, 03:45 PM
:lol:
aaaaaaawwww you guys are cracking me up!
more - give me more! :D
:cat:
Shellywoozle
19-06-08, 04:55 PM
The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, some how swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b******d. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ****, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.
A junior Cabinet Office official has been suspended, while home secretary Jacqui Smith has been told to hand back her keys to the Tower of London.
HMS Vengeance was discovered by Julian Cook, a trainee solicitor, during his 45 minute journey from Luton to Kings Cross on a ThamesLink service. Mr Cook immediately handed the vessel, and its 135 crew, to the BBC.
He said: "I was actually going to the toilet when I noticed the aisle was blocked by 16,000 tonnes of ocean-going holocaust machine.
"The moment we arrived at Kings Cross I dragged it onto the tube and headed straight for Shepherd's Bush."
After confirming it was a genuine submarine the BBC immediately contacted the Press Association who in turn passed it on to the editor of The Spectator.
The submarine was eventually handed back to the Royal Navy by the assistant features editor of Grazia.
The latest security breach comes just 48 hours after the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible was hijacked by a pack of dogs.
Meanwhile Al Qaeda has released a statement via Al Jazeera TV, outlining plans to shift its international HQ to the 7.45 from Croydon to Victoria.
an oldy...
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information.
In Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs) I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
:takeabow:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
> the
> Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the
> distance.
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to
> find
> a little old Jew at a small stand selling neckties.
> The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
> The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to
> buy a tie?
> They are only $5.'
> The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an
> overpriced tie. I need
> water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'
> 'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter
> that you don't want to buy
> a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
> bigger than
> that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
> two miles,
> you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
> water you
> need. Shalom.'
> Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
> Several hours later he staggered back.
>
> 'Your f......ing brother won't let me in without a
> tie.'
GLENN650
22-06-08, 06:25 PM
Ok, so I thought I'd have a go at this joke lark.
A robbery was recently committed at Ipswich Town Football Club and the entire contents of their trophy room were stolen.
Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.
Ho HO HO!!!!!!
A man owned a small farm in Georgia. The Georgia State Wage & HourDepartment claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent anagent out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded theagent. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has beenhere for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his ownroom and board, and I buy him a pizza every Saturday night. He also sleepswith my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' said the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer
YoungMan
24-06-08, 07:32 PM
The silent fart -
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she
leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Dave The Rave
25-06-08, 09:26 PM
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
' OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
“ Ahhh....” she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
markmoto
26-06-08, 11:15 AM
LMFAO lol
markmoto
26-06-08, 11:15 AM
STATE OF THE ARK TECHNOLOGY
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me...........They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.' – or dare I say the EU?
Sideshow#36
27-06-08, 09:46 PM
Subject: Bob
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
xXBADGERXx
01-07-08, 04:22 PM
Lmfao
GLENN650
01-07-08, 06:39 PM
Please laugh at this or else I'll think it's only me who thought it funny!!!!
Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'
And if you can't laugh at least groan.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
courtesy of Miss Hall aged 7:
Why was the banana sick?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
Sideshow#36
01-07-08, 09:17 PM
courtesy of Miss Hall aged 7:
Why was the banana sick?
Because it wasn't feeling well.
Haha, I love the way kids think of jokes, my nephew is exactly the same....
And they are still funnier than the Mighty Boosh! :D
BernardBikerchick
02-07-08, 09:30 AM
i am sooo telling the wide mouth frog joke on the AR !!! :D:D AGAIN
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete pr1ck
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
Little billy asks his dad for a telly in his room, after much considerate thought he reluctantly gives in to Billy continuous moaning.
Next day billy comes down stairs and asks "Dad whats love juice" ?
Dad looks horrified, he then proceeds to sit little Billy down and tell him all about the "birds n the bee's"
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement, blushing and in total bewliderment.
His dad then said to Billy " I hope this has cleared this little matter up, just out of interest what on earth were you watching upstairs son?"
You ready????
You'll love it.....
I'm back to my old best
"Wimbledon" Came the reply.
:D
BernardBikerchick
07-07-08, 11:55 AM
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
Kate Moss
07-07-08, 12:25 PM
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
hehe! oh dear!
Pedrosa
07-07-08, 12:56 PM
Skynews reports today that 2 drug addicts have been admitted to hospital after mistakenly injecting curry powder instead of heroin.
A hospital spokesman has made a statement telling that 1 patient is presently in a korma and the other is suffering from a dodgy tikka.:p
xXBADGERXx
07-07-08, 04:18 PM
Q. When does a Blind Skydiver know it is too late to open the parachute ?
A. When the Lead goes slack .
CoolGirl
07-07-08, 04:23 PM
Q. When does a Blind Skydiver know it is too late to open the parachute ?
A. When the Lead goes slack .
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
brilliant - I'm saving these up!:cool:
BTW - does anyone else think Verna's got too much time on her hands and needs to go back to work?
Jayneflakes
07-07-08, 04:41 PM
A man goes to bed with his girlfriend for the first time .
They are going at it in bed and he looks over and spots a picture of a man next to her bed .
He`s quite alarmed at this and says "Is that your Boyfriend?"
She replies "Nope"
He then says "Is it your Husband?"
She replies "Nope"
He carries on nudging away and then says "Is it your Father then?"
She replies "Nope"
A few more minutes of nudging carries on and he then says "Is it your Brother then?"
She rolls her eyes and huffs and then says "Nope"
"Well then just who is it then ?" he exclaims
She replies ............................................
"That was me , 6 months ago"
You and I really need to have a chat...:smt042
xXBADGERXx
07-07-08, 04:42 PM
Ummmm about what Jayney LOL
xXBADGERXx
07-07-08, 05:45 PM
"Joke" withdrawn with apologies
"Joke" withdrawn with apologies
Why? It was bloody funny!
Now back to the jokes...
A sweet young newly-married couple moved to an affluent part of town and went along to join their local Catholic Church...
Well, the priest, he looked them up and down and said "We're a picky lot here at St. Sabinas and we don't take just any old riff-raff. You'll have to prove you'll be good Catholics by passing a Test."
"Of course, Father, what should we do?" asked the young Husband.
"Well", said the priest, "I realise you're newly married, but I'll need you to abstain from the delights of married love for one whole month."
"We'll do our best Father", blushed the bride.
30 days later, they go back to St. Sabinas and the priest enquires as to how things went...
"Well" said the young man, shifting from foot to foot, "Everything was going dandy until about the 29th day. Then I caught sight of my beautiful darling leaning over to get some bread, was overcome with passion and immediately swept her up and made love to her..."
"That's unfortunate", said the priest, "I'm afraid you're no longer welcome in this church..."
"Feck That!" Said the husband "We're no longer welcome at Tescos!!"
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,'The Lord said. ''Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.The Lord replied;'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
...stuff...
I would have posted the same,
But I couldn't choose which joke to repost :lol:
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the
supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment
suit
against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin
bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a
while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the
car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks
his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!'
'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the infamous 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'
The man answered, 'Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my **** and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!
A duck walks into the bar and ask's the barman for a beer and a counter lunch.said "i'm in town for a few weeks and will be working at the building site opposite."
Bar man looks dumfounded at the duck.
Duck ask's "what the hell you looking at "
Barman replys "your a duck and you can talk".
"look dont hassle me ,just give me a beer and a lunch ok " said the duck.
" but ,but ,but " said the bar man "you can talk ".
"do you want me to go elsewhere "
"no mate " said the bar.
Each day the duck came over for his lunch as promised.
later that week the Circus set up in town and the Ringmaster came in for a drink.
The barman fronted the Ringmaster "look mate i know where theres a duck that can talk,would it be worth anything ? "
"MILLIONS" said the Ringmaster "but they dont exist"
"theres one comes in here every day for his lunch, i,ll see if i can get him for you if you want " Barman said
Next day duck comes in a usual "listen duck,if i can get you a job that pays millions you interested"
"who for" asked the duck.
"The Circus "replyed the Barman
"is that like a big tent with a pole in the middle" said duck
"Yep thats it"
"Made outoff canvas"
"yes said the barman" excited
"what the hell would they want with a BRICKLAYER" replyed the Duck.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin
bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a
while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the
car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks
his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!'
'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag
"That's the people that don't pay!
Boom Boom
Can't leave them in suspense JW ;)
Gazza77
08-07-08, 03:05 PM
A duck walks into the bar and ask's the barman for a beer and a counter lunch.said "i'm in town for a few weeks and will be working at the building site opposite."
Bar man looks dumfounded at the duck.
Duck ask's "what the hell you looking at "
Barman replys "your a duck and you can talk".
"look dont hassle me ,just give me a beer and a lunch ok " said the duck.
" but ,but ,but " said the bar man "you can talk ".
"do you want me to go elsewhere "
"no mate " said the bar.
Each day the duck came over for his lunch as promised.
later that week the Circus set up in town and the Ringmaster came in for a drink.
The barman fronted the Ringmaster "look mate i know where theres a duck that can talk,would it be worth anything ? "
"MILLIONS" said the Ringmaster "but they dont exist"
"theres one comes in here every day for his lunch, i,ll see if i can get him for you if you want " Barman said
Next day duck comes in a usual "listen duck,if i can get you a job that pays millions you interested"
"who for" asked the duck.
"The Circus "replyed the Barman
"is that like a big tent with a pole in the middle" said duck
"Yep thats it"
"Made outoff canvas"
"yes said the barman" excited
"what the hell would they want with a BRICKLAYER" replyed the Duck.
You stealing all these from T595.net Jdubya? ;)
Can't leave them in suspense JW ;)
Why not...we're mostly adults here...;)
You stealing all these from T595.net Jdubya? ;)
How'd you know that...???:D
BUSTED:(:(:(
Gazza77
09-07-08, 08:12 AM
How'd you know that...???:D
BUSTED:(:(:([/quote]
I won't tell if you don't. ;)
Apologies to any Taliban who may stumble across this post!
You know you're Taliban if........
..You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $700 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
...You've felt the urge to "rub one out" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
Apologies in advance to all Geordies who may stumble across this thread
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle,"
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?
"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said.........
'Well, since ya weekend's up the spout, you might as well gan fishin."
i called my extremely over weight neighbour morbidly obese the other day.
i think that was a bit harsh. he's got enough on his plate
Mrs Blue Pete
09-07-08, 08:39 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted... :smt043
Bluepete
10-07-08, 08:49 AM
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first yearschoolchildren,using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, andasked them to identifythem by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green.........lime,'
' Orange ........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them fora few moments noneof the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother maysometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're ****-holes!!'
was going to put up a seperate post for this joke, as i thought it might provoke a debate....but jokes section it is for now...
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
UK POLICE OFFICER'S ANSWER
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed days and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
markmoto
11-07-08, 01:24 PM
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
~~~~
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'
~~~~
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love, juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
~~~~
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'
~~~~
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
'Your sense of humour!'
Shellywoozle
14-07-08, 09:53 PM
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold"
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."
***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
******************
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their 1st wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Jayneflakes
15-07-08, 05:36 PM
[quote=mototech;1565731]A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'/quote]
This made me cry with laughter, it's just so funny!
:smt081 :laughat: :thumright:
Paddy's driving down the road swerving all over the place,left,right, left..
PC plod suspects the driver has been drinking ,pulls him over and asks him what the problem is?
Paddy says ''The bloody trees man,they just pop out from nowhere right before my eyes''.
The P.C. replies ''Paddy that's just your airfreshener !''
Irishman goes for a job on a building site, foreman asks him whats your name, Paddy Mulligan he says, the foreman says how do you spell it, Paddy says "Stick your ****ing job up ya a***"
An Irish man goes for a job on a building site, the gaffer asks him
- can you sweep up?
=yes
-can you make cups of tea?
=yes
-can you drive a forklift truck?
=why, how big’s your ****ing kettle!!!
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.
He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.
He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his willy in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f***ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
DarrenSV650S
18-07-08, 08:48 PM
A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, services each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sh...ging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'
Wizard610
19-07-08, 09:09 PM
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'
His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.'
'A witch??.... why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'
:)
Wizard610
19-07-08, 09:15 PM
100 men were surveyed and asked what they liked best about oral sex.
10% said they liked the blowing
15% said they liked the sucking
and 75%......
said they liked the peace and quiet.....
:D:smt025
This was worth a giggle - involves medical malpractice. Subject may make you squemish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81v6DjPJhPo
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
'Now. Tell him you have a headache.'
Shamelessly cut and pasted....
> Economic Models Explained with cows:
>
> > SOCIALISM
> > You have 2 cows.
> > You give one to your neighbour.
> >
> > COMMUNISM
> > You have 2 cows.
> > The State takes both and gives you some milk.
> >
> > FASCISM
> > You have 2 cows.
> > The State takes both and sells you some milk.
> >
> > NAZISM
> > You have 2 cows.
> > The State takes both and shoots you.
> >
> > BUREAUCRATISM
> > You have 2 cows.
> > The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
> then throws the
>
> > milk away...
> >
> > TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> > You sell them and retire on the income.
> >
> > SURREALISM
> > You have two giraffes.
> > The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
> >
> > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
> of four cows.
> > Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
> has dropped dead.
> >
> > ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell three of them to your publicly listed
> company, using letters
> > of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
> then execute a
> > debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
> that you get all
> > four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> > The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
> intermediary to
>
> > a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
> shareholder who
>
> > sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
> company.
> > The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
> with an option on
> > one more.
> > You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
> States, leaving
> > you with nine cows.
> > No balance sheet provided with the release.
> > The public then buys your bull.
> >
> > A FRENCH CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the
> roads, because you
> > want three cows.
> >
> > A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
> ordinary cow
> > and produce twenty times the milk.
> > You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
> 'Cowkimon' and
> > market it worldwide.
> >
> > A GERMAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
> once a month, and
>
> > milk themselves.
> >
> > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows, but you don't know where they
> are.
> > You decide to have lunch.
> >
> > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
> > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
> vodka.
> >
> > A SWISS CORPORATION
> > You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
> > You charge the owners for storing them.
> >
> > A CHINESE CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You have 300 people milking them.
> > You claim that you have full employment, and high
> bovine productivity.
> > You arrest the newsman who reported the real
> situation.
> >
> > AN INDIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > You worship them.
> >
> > A BRITISH CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > Both are mad.
> >
> > AN IRAQI CORPORATION
> > Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
> > You tell them that you have none.
> > No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
> and invade your
> > country.
> > You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
> of Democracy....
> >
> > AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > Business seems pretty good.
> > You close the office and go for a few beers to
> celebrate.
> >
> > A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> > You have two cows.
> > The one on the left looks very attractive
Mr Speirs
23-07-08, 03:40 PM
At the vatican the pope is lead down a line of people to greet.
Each person he meet he shakes their hand and smiles then moves onto the next person.
About 5 people into the line their is a man who is dressed like a tramp, dirty clothes, smells of ****, matted hair.
The pope looks at the fella and gives him a massive hug and moves on.
The rest of the line are amazed and one rich texan runs down the the tramp and gives the him his rolex and expensive suit and $10,000 for his clothes. He does this so that instead of the usual hand shake he too will be embraced by the pope.
The pope then comes across the texan dressed in the tramps clothes looks at him and gives him a massive hug and whispers into his ear
'I thought I told you to **** off'
Now the McCann's have been cleared of any wrong doing in the abduction of their daughter by Portugese police they have decided to celebrate with a slap up meal, if anyones interested the twins will be on the 3rd floor, 1st door on the left....keys under the flowerpot next to the front door.
I'm volunteering at nights in an abortion clinic. It's great. Not only do I get to meet loads of girls who are a bit slutty, but I know in advance that they're not looking for anything too serious.
I'm volunteering at nights in an abortion clinic. It's great. Not only do I get to meet loads of girls who are a bit slutty, but I know in advance that they're not looking for anything too serious.
I know i shouldn't but.....LOL :smt042
Bluepete
25-07-08, 08:28 AM
I'm volunteering at nights in an abortion clinic. It's great. Not only do I get to meet loads of girls who are a bit slutty, but I know in advance that they're not looking for anything too serious.
Sounds like something Jimmy Carr would say! LOL!
Sounds like something Jimmy Carr would say! LOL!
obviously
Was sitting in the airport pub last week, and nearly s**t myself when this muslim came running in shouting 'allah! allah! allah! allah! allah! allah! allah have a pint and a packet of crisps'
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Shamelessly pinched from elsewhere on t'internet...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just
p!ss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's' milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you f@rt.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
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